kudzujean

I did. I decided a long time ago I wasn't going to do to somebody else what had been done to me.

My father was an active alcoholic who died from drinking when I was a little kid. Even after he died, the dynamics of a family where there is alcoholism were still going on.

In fact, it was a very long time before I realized that having a family could be a good thing, not something to be dreaded. One of my siblings said something similar. We got the covert message, Don't have children. Only one out of three siblings had a child. She had just one and that was unintentional.

Can anyone identify with this?

BadCompany

Yep. Too old to have kids now and I regret the decision.

DesertEyes

Yup. Me.

A long time ago I read a book from Claudia Black titled "It will never happen to me." What struck me about that book is how most of us kids of "toxic" families have _exactly_ the same feelings and attitudes about life. I clearly remember, as a child, saying _exactly_ those words "I wasn't going to do to somebody else what had been done to me."

One of the "emotional injuries" that my alcoholic parents left me is the lack of options in life. I simply had no idea that there was any other way to live. As a result of the social isolation they imposed in order to maintain their secrets I never had the chance to see any other family, never mind a healthy one.

I grew up believing there was no other way to live.

Then I found recovery, and boy was I wrong. There are a million ways to live.

In the end I married a charming young lady who already had a child of her own, so I got to be a step-dad. I took some classes, found some mentors, got a good therapist and did what my parents never did. I _learned_ how to be a parent, instead of just faking it.

Worked out good. Our step-daughter and her kids are doing just fine. They're as healthy and normal as can be.

Today I know that anything I learned before recovery is wrong. No need to examine or analyze. It's just wrong. In recovery I have learned how the world really is outside the walls of a toxic "prison".

Mike

frances2011

Yes I relate and it's a painful truth. Parenting my dog in the last 5 years has been a joyous discovery and affirmation of my true abilities and gifts to nurture, teach, and care for living beings.

I dont know if others can relate, but my childhood gerbils died from neglect. I carried intense searing shame about this until a few years ago.

I was under cared for, I undercared for my pets due to lack of adult guidance. I took from this that I was incapable for caring for living beings.

I share these truths today in the light of truth. Sharing and healing wounds makes us strong.

EveningRose

Interesting question to ponder among my siblings.

I recall thinking I didn't want to have children, although I remember that as having to do with the onslaught of propaganda about how the world was in such terrible shape, and my fears about society, and thinking if anything I would adopt children. Instead, I had a large family.

One of my siblings, however, talked about never having children. She has two, but made sure there were no more. Another siblings has let it be known that both children were not planned or expected, but a result of birth control failure. (I wonder how those kids will feel if anyone relates that information to them some day--but the point remains, no children were intended, apparently.) Another sibling has no children.

It does make me wonder what went through their minds.

tromboneliness

Never had 'em, never wanted 'em, don't regret it. Nothing to do with my FoO, though. Just not my thing. My wife's the same way... and now, she's too old to change her mind anyway!

T

geijin

My father was an out-and-out alcoholic. My mother liked a drink but never to the point of drunkeness. They had 6 children together, 4 of whom are girls - 2 of whom are alcoholics and one of whom SOMETIMES drinks to excess [gladly, when in the company of others who are doing the same] but I'd say is in control of that decision. The boys have no problem; they drink only occasionally and very little. I'm the fourth daughter and also not an alcoholic. When I was younger I would sometimes drink to excess [as would my brothers and most other kids here in their student days] but that's normal in my culture to the point of being *expected* [i.e. your abnormal is you DON'T do this] and we grew out of it by our early twenties.

The only ones who had children out of all 6 of us: The two sisters who are alcoholics. The rest of us didn't have kids and are now either too old to do so [my 3 not alcoholic siblings] or getting very close to that point [me.... also not alcoholic].

Off topic but maybe of interest: I read in a psychology book that alcoholism tends to switch gender with each new generation....so the daughters of an alcoholic Father will be more likely/prone to become alcoholics than the sons. How true that is in the general population, I don't know.....but certainly in my family, it applies.

farfaraway

What is FoO?

My father is an alcoholic who stopped drinking when I was 5. After that, he lost his outlet and was either absentee or abusive to us 3 kids and my mother. My mother became deeply depressed. My brother, sister and I were neglected. A decade later at age 14 my sister started drinking before moving on to hard drugs. She used to scare me waaay more than my father. My parents didn't stop her from stealing our money and beating us. She's 28 and still an addict. And now 7 months pregnant! The reason why I joined SR was to get help how to deal with her becoming a mother. I panic every time I start to think too much about the baby.

I swore for many years I'd never have kids because of my upbringing. I didn't even want to get married. I'm 31 now and married, but still unsure about kids....

I used to neglect my pets too as a kid. I have a cat now and I've noticed my husband is more responsive to the cat's needs than I am, although I don't neglect her... I know I'm much more "unfeeling" than most women, and I attribute that to surviving my youth.

kudzujean

FoO is family of origin.

My mother was more "unfeeling" than most women (though you'd never think that if you were outside the family--she was all sweetness and light then) and so was her mother before her.
My sisters and I, same thing. One sister and I have gotten into recovery and overcome some of that.

I know just what you mean, we aren't/weren't nearly as huggy and so on as most women.
Thanks for sharing.

dbh

I had children later in life. Didn't get married until I was 35 and had my two children when I was in my late thirties.

I think I got married late because I had so many ACA issues to work through. I had a hard time trusting people and always went after the emotionally unavailable men that needed fixing.

Falling in love with my husband made me feel so vulnerable. I finally decided to see a therapist before we were married.

I always wanted children and never even thought twice about having them. The family I'm creating makes me feel like I've been given a second chance. There is absolutely nothing I can do about my FOO, but I can try to create the healthiest nuclear family that I can.

I also think that you can create a healthy nuclear family without children.

For me, having children has actually helped in my recovery. They challenge me in ways that can bring up old memories or unhealed parts of myself. This is especially true now that my daughter is on the threshold of being a teen.

They're still young - 12 and 9. I'm often frighten that they'll end up having addiction problems because of their genes. That falls into an area of things I can't control, but I think it's why I continue to hang out in 12-step groups.

Thanks for letting me share.

db

Achara

Yes actually I can I would of loved to have children, but i was so involved in caregiving with my father with Alzheimers for 7 years of my life that it just did not happen for me! But I am not dead yet!! Just past my childbearing years and sad that I missed out on the joy but i am a teacher and get my kid fill with them and my nieces and nephews. I really do not want to repeat what I grew up with and also my mother died 6months after I was born, so I have had other reasons as well. I think because of fear I was afraid to get married and have children. I thought i would be powerless in this situation and always tried to take care of myself and be self sufficient. Now I realize that this too is not the answer. We are meant to live in community with others and hope that I might meet someone who has children of their own. I am very careful not to date anyone with addictions sometimes they are good ar hiding it.

cb12

At the moment, I don't want children. I haven't wanted them for at least 5 years now, but that makes me sound like I'm old enough to know anything about what I want.
I'm not sure of the reason I don't want children, it's just not "appealing" to me, I guess. I will admit that I get very irritated when people tell me, "Oh, CB, you'll change your mind." part of me just wants to be stubborn and not have kids just to "show them". Dumb idea, I know.

Mo S

Ive never wanted kids. I want raised in a home where feeling "wanted".....it was more like I was an inconvenience or a pain in the ass. Mom was not a nurturer. I didnt learn any sort of maternal behaviors and certainly dont have the instinct.
My partner of 8 years and I have 3 dogs to spoil.
I see parenting as THE BIGGEST responsiblity someone could take on in their life. I'm not up for it. Besides that we are tooo selfish. I know your whole life changes and you cant think of yourself first after you have kids (at least thats the way it should be)....and then for the next ???? years.
Happy Parenting to those who feel the urge. Breed on.

rdlesstraveled

I do not have kids. It took me so long to get over my own issues (depression, ACOA stuff) that I felt like I couldn't handle a child. I did not want to bring a child into this world if I couldn't be ALL THERE.

Now, I am considering it. I am 35 years old. I do not want this disease to dictate my life anymore. There are more tools available now to help out. Nothing is guaranteed in life, ya know. So my fears of passing on the disease are justified, but should not rule me.

Devushka25

I've decided not to have children because of my FoO. I can barely take care of myself because of the amount of stuff that goes on inside my head on a regular basis and I also have an obsession with finishing school and having a highly involved career as a way of making up for my past and making myself feel "good enough" since i spent so long being ashamed of what i came from. a child doesn't fit into any of this.

tromboneliness

The other ones are:

1. "You don't have children, so you can't possibly understand how much more wonderful parenthood is than anything else you'll ever do." Uh, no. But hey, they've never played trombone, either -- and that totally rocks the house, compared to changing diapers, paying college bills, and bailing your kid out of jail.

2. "You don't have children because you're too selfish." Excuse me? I pay thousands of dollars a year in extra taxes to pay for their kids (property taxes for schools, plus they get $1000/year tax refund for each kid, straight off the top, for the Child Tax Credit), yet I'm the selfish one? Not how it works.

Why can't they just get the fact that "to each, his own," and let it go at that?

T

Kialua

When I was growing up I always told myself I would never treat a child the way I was treated. I remember looking at my baby sister in her crib when I was 4 thinking that.

I didn't want to have kids for the longest time. Partly because I had to take care of everyone else's all the time. Weekends at one siblings home summer weeks at another's and off to other siblings whenever they asked. I wasn't allowed to say no and I didn't care because I was escaping beatings from my alcoholic dad.

That pattern lasted well into my twenties. It wasn't until I was in my late 30's I had my one and only. I'm very happy I did have a child. It was an eye opener. Having "grown up" with my nephews and nieces bonding with them, I did and still do feel I love them the same as my own child. I wonder what they says about me... All their parents, my sibs, kept telling how much more I would love my own child. I do love my child, but I do love my nieces and nephews and I will drop anything to help them.

Jur123

I didn't want a child until I was over 30. My friend had babies in their mid 20s and I hated them. I'm in my mid 30s now and would love to have a child, however I'm sooo codependant that I feel guilty even thinking about that ("how can I have a child when my sister is unhappy and I'm the only one who can save her blah blah"). I hope I'll get over the codependence and have a baby one day.

emeraldsea

I'm struggling with this issue now. Do I want kids? I thought I would have clarity about that by 33. I also thought that I would have a home and a partner. Without those in place, I cant imagine having a child.

My mom has told me as an adult that the reason she never had a second child was that she didn't want to bring another child into such an abusive, crazy home. And my thought was, and remains, Well, aren't I lucky to have snuck in before she had that realization?

If I truly came to feel that my ongoing depression was a lie, and that life was really meaningful, if I had that kind of core faith in life, then maybe I would feel that anything else could be overcome. But given that I have such deep despair, on such a regular basis, the question is why would I want a child. Not just whether I could do it well, which I think I would in many ways, but what's the point at all. A mother who regularly feels life is not really worth living doesnt seem like a great bet. And it doesnt seem fair to ask your kids to become your reason to live.

That is my current struggle. But the clock is ticking...