Beauteous1980

...the helpless, uncomfortable and guilty feeling you feel whenever anyone makes a nice gesture of support or empathy?

I can't stand it when someone is nice to me or acts like a friend. It makes me REALLY uncomfortable and I have to make myself respond appropriately instead of running away. I have to make it an effort to allow anyone to help me in anything.

Lately I've been having more health issues that have been affecting me at work. I work 12hr shifts as a private nurse. One of the other nurses that I consider a friend is always willing to come in if I need to leave but the help makes me so uncomfortable that I try not to let her know I don't feel well so that she can't help. Case in point: I suffered heat exhaustion for the past 2 days. I SHOULD have stayed in bed yesterday and rested but I didn't want any help so I worked the 12hr shift and ended up in the ER last night needing IV fluids and meds. I was too embarrassed to admit to being ill because I didn't want her to help me yet again.

I also am uncomfortable with ANY friendships except for one and she is someone with almost the exact same issues as me.

Any other ACoAs experience this or is it just me?

Has anyone found a way to address this?

JustAYak

I get this feeling about any compliments I receive. I either feel uncomfortable or suspicious that this person is only telling me these things because they want to manipulate me into doing something for them. I haven't overcome it yet, but wanted to say I'm with you on this!

Beauteous1980

I do the exact thing! I hate compliments!! Everyone notices it, too

tromboneliness

I generally just say "thanks" and try to move on as quickly as possible -- that's the easiest way....

T

DefofLov

I have learned to accept and even expect compliments. Not that I expect everyone to bow down before me but, I know when I look nice and I am not surprised when others notice it too. I fully appreciate and enjoy compliments. I used to explain them away. ex. "What a beautiful dress you are wearing." My reply: "Oh, this cheap old thing? I have had it for years." Now, I beam, smile and say something like, "Thank you so much! I got it from such a such store."

Accepting help is *extremely* hard for me to do. I am getting better at that too. Now asking for help...yikes!! I have to really force myself to ask for help. And prepare myself in case they say no and in case they say yes. It is a process. And the more I ask, the better it gets. It helps to remind myself that I don't have to do everything alone and also to not take things personally when people say no.

I think growing up in an alcoholic household makes it difficult to trust and accept help because it always came with a price. It certainly did for me. It always came with some kind of obligation. Nothing was ever done out of the kindness of someone's heart. So, I am used to doing things for myself. Now, I have more healthy people in my life and I can rely on them. They help me and just do it because they love me. What a foreign yet awesome feeling.

Breaking the pattern I have grown up with has been difficult and scary, but totally worth it. I am tired of carrying the pain I have carried for so long and I am ready for change. So, I am giving up my old ways and learning some new behaviors. I am working on Lily 2.0 if you will.



Love and Light,

Lily

utopia

it comes back in a cycle, it was a precursor to abuse and rape as a child, no wonder i mistrust love and affection.

but with recovery, i sometimes experience enough self worth where i just say thanks and the moment passes

OhBoy

I wouldn't say I have overcome it, but on occasion I can actually feel OK with a compliment. Of course only if I feel I truly deserve it which is a hard & rare thing. I have been getting better, but I still fell like running away as fast as I can. Receiving presents used to make me squirm, but now if I know it was given with genuine love I actually like getting them! Giving presents is still much more rewarding & easier.

Mo S

Yes, I relate. For me; it comes under the catagory of low self esteem. I too would put mself in harm's way because I couldnt accept help from anyone ("oh - I can do it myself thank you") at the time. I went to individual therapy and thru the years it has helped trememndously. I am now capable of accepting friendship and being a good friend. I am also, more importantly, a friend to myself. I hope you feel better. I wish you the best.