Why did I used to pick fights with my boyfriends?
 

When I was a young adult, I would often pick fights (verbal, that is) with my boyfriends. I stopped doing that later on, but I have often wondered why I did it in the first place. I have come up with two ideas about it:

--That’s how I was used to relating to other people; it’s what I learned in my family of origin.

--I was “paying back” the boyfriend for how my family had treated me.

Has anyone else had that experience?

Oh yeah. My poor husband has felt the brunt of many of my verbal jousts. I have calmed down long ago. I guess it's learned behavior sort of survival mode. That and being hyper vigilant, just looking for 'what that really meant" and beating them to the punch before they yelled at me. Glad you have found your way out of it too.

I have to say for me it is both. Though my fighting was not with girlfriends alone, it was directed towards everyone in my life. I was so use to chaos that I had to create it every chance I had once I was introduced to foster homes. I would not even have to be mad at anyone to start it. As early as 4th grade, I remember putting thumbtacks on the teachers chair and playing dumb when they sat on them. I was never caught for that one but it would have been one heck of a fight. By the time I was in high school, I stopped being physically aggressive towards everyone, almost. I found mental games to be more appealing, I know I did it out of anger and wanting to control. Many years and a lot of work, thank god I am not that jerk any more.

--That’s how I was used to relating to other people; it’s what I learned in my family of origin.

I can really relate to this. But I can also see where your 2nd line could be easy to do. We learn from our parents...

Chris - your comment about "creating chaos" is SO true: I was very comfortable in chaos, so why shouldn't I create it when it's not there?... :-)

Yeesh. I'm still working on this one. I do attribute it to the way I was taught to communicate as a kid and teenager.
As Kialua mentioned, beating someone to the punch, so to speak. I do it a bit with other people, but mostly with my husband.
I'm learning, slowly...not everything has to be brought up and addressed or pointed out.
I want to confront everything...the possibilities of anything that *could* go wrong, etc., and my husband wants to avoid thinking about those things.
So I bring up something that he doesn't want to think about, and he reacts by ignoring me, which is a really big trigger for me.

I create more chaos in my head than I do in actual real life these days, but it's still a process.

OMG LMAO I remember wanting to confront everything even if it was the losing side of the battle. There was no better rush than watching everyone around me getting all worked up. :kickbutt Once I got them going I would just start laughing. I never understood why I got my butt kicked . . . :buttkick:

I still watch myself today. I have learned to keep quiet and review my feelings before I speak. I do not want to be aggressive today. Assertive, yes but only after I take into consideration the feelings/mentality/disposition of others and is it even worth discussing. If I am on the other side I have to judge myself as to, is it a healthy and fair discussion or is the jerk making itself known? I love a good adrenaline rush but for me, it is not worth the heartache.

And now that I think about it . . . I just realized there is one on SR, in a different group, that I tossed a spark at not too long ago. I am glad they never bit, I hate adding to my amends list. LOL They keep telling me it is progress not perfection . . . Darn it . . . I want to be healthy and I want it now!! :cry2

Chris & Plath: LMAO... confrontation was great! :-) To top it off, my family, especially my mother's brothers & sisters, knew "everything" and they loved to argue all the time, so I also learned the confrontational behavior from them.

I can't think of the phrase right now, but the comment about using "sugar" with people is so true. I'm amazed at how much further I get when I'm kind rather than confrontational (& my blood pressure is a lot lower). :-)

You can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Is that the one? ha ha

Yes I was always the one to say things and confront. My role. Had to learn to stop doing that.

I think sometimes about testing how able the other person is to handle our worse.

I grew up in a home where fighting was everyday. I do think it is learned. When I moved away, I thought "life does not have to be like that". I really can't stand to be around arguing now. It's a waste of time to me. Discussions are good, arguing is ridiculous. I'm glad you got over it too. I know a young lady who is having this problem now. I'm trying to influence her to quit too.

Even my first boyfriend I would threaten to commit suicide. Well, I had no intention whatever of doing that. I had learned that behavoir from my mother. She would rant and rave and say she was gonna commit suicide. I can't even believe I did it now. My boyfriend also learned crazy behavior from his family. When I left him, he layed down in the middle of the road as if to get run over. When the cops came, he jumped up and ran away. Then he did it again and again. I know he learned it from his irrational family too. We have got to think for ourselves.