Workin

Putting this out there for any/all who have experience and can provide some guidance.

My daughter is in the custody of her father and as of a week or so ago, will likely remain there for the rest of her childhood (she is now 10). This morning I had a teleconf with the former GAL in our case - it was so bad several years ago that I requested and received one for her - and my atty. The GAL said her father is obstructionist and malicious, and... he will never get better (no surprise there), and... the best place for her to be, ideally, is with me, and... she chooses to stay with him because she knows I will always work at a relationship with her, and... she knows that if she leaves him, he will lose interest and she will lose the relationship with him, and... she is worried about her little sisters well-being (what child should be allowed to and supported in feeling the burden of caring for younger siblings when there is an alternative?!?) so chooses to stay for their sake, and... none of this is enough to change the court's mind, with which my atty agrees.

A bit of background on her dad: he has both Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (wish I'd known that before I married him. Narcissism is a beast in that regard.). His wife, remarried in 2007, also has NPD. I am already starting to see ACoA traits in my daughter, some of which you see mentioned above.

My question: what can I do as a parent, largely in name only, to help minimize the effects of her situation? It is heart-wrenching to me knowing what is already happening, seeing the effects that is having on her now and knowing where this will lead, with little I am able to do in 11.5 weeks/year spread out over the course of a year. (Recognizing that I cannot take her to therapy without his consent which, obviously, he won't give.)

DesertEyes

Hello Workin,

I see that nobody in this forum has experience relevant to your question. If you like, you can post your question over in this forum:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

A lot of those folks there are dealing with the exact same parenting issues you mention; i.e.: "Toxic" adults raising their children at a distance.

Mike
Moderator, SR

Kialua

I guess the only thing you can do right now is be a safe place for her to turn to when she needs to. Get along with her Dad as well as you can so she isn't in the middle. I know it's probably easier said than done but a needed sacrifice. Feed her self worth. And of course pray a lot. I hope you can find some help to get through these rough times.

dbh

While I don't have any ESH to offer on this specific topic, I do have two children (ages 9 and 12) that I often worry about.

Both my husband and I are ACA's. I've been in recovery for almost 5 years and I also have seen a therapist on and off for over 15 years.

My goal is to become the healthiest mentally that I can for my children. Since there is alcoholism on both sides of our family I'm terrified that they might have an addition problem later in life. It was awful enough having an alcoholic father.

I've already talked with them about alcoholism and how it run in our family. I hope that I'm modeling setting healthy boundaries and how to take care of yourself.

Keep coming back!

db

Workin

If there were any kind of communication at all between us, this might be possible. As it stands, he is utterly unresponsive not only to me but to others who contact him on her behalf up to and including the GAL! The only person he responds to is his atty who is also now frustrated with him (his last atty basically said "Good riddance" after the last trial at which he represented her father). He has even gone so far as to disavow any responsibility for contact between my daughter and me (she is 10 and still needs to be reminded about visitation which he has explicitly denied as his responsibility).

I know how he talked about me to her in front of me before we divorced (disparaging). I can only guess how he (and his wife given her behavior towards me in public) talks to her about me now. She tells me she won't tell them when she misses me, giving the impression she is afraid to.

So very frustrating and worrisome.

Kialua

If he misses your visitation times then you can establish a record with the GAL so that might work out in your favor in the long run.

No I don't mean with communication between you and the Dad, I mean communication between you and your child. Don't tell her things about her Dad that makes her be in the middle. Keep your communication with her about her. Read her stories that parallel your lives with hopeful endings. Like the daughter growing up and having a beautiful future. When I lived as a child with my alcoholic abusive dad and enabling father I looked to the future for my freedom.

dbh

I agree that putting a child in the middle can be damaging. My parents divorced when I was 15 and my mother spent decades telling us how awful our father was. He wasn't a good father by any stretch of the imagination and we knew that. However, I found that staying angry at him affected me negatively. When she would go on and on about how worthless he was, I remember thinking that half of me must be worthless too.

I eventually accepted who he was, learned how to protect myself when I was around him, and was able to forgive him. This really helped me put many of the hurts from my childhood behind me.

Back to your original question. I'm sorry for your current situation. I can only imagine how frustrating this must be. When I was growing up, I remember how much I valued the time I spent with some of my friend's families. Our family felt so broken. I had a drunk dad and an emotionally unavailable mom. Spending time with "normal" families help me see how things could be. Seeing healthy relationships and parents that were genuinely interested and available for their children helped me see how it could be.

So, I think providing a healthy environment for your daughter when she is with you can truly go a long way.

db

Workin

Whole-heartedly agreed on keeping my daughter out of the loop re: whatever is going on between her father and I. As far as I know, she isn't even aware of the custody hearing coming up in a few weeks.

As to building a record for the GAL, there is one that goes back four years with a failure rate of about 50%... And it has gotten worse since he acquired custody... And, according to the GAL under whom this all occurred and my attorney, due to the new GAL's position and the court's rulings, it will not change the outcome that he will retain custody.