EvenIfItKillsMe

My father was a maintaining alcoholic since wayyyyy before I was born. He dried up when I was 18 after his Dr. basically told him it was quit or die. He relapsed 6 months later and he just now dried up again a few weeks ago (I'm 21) I was living with him at the time due to my mother's drinking (which has since also stopped to the most of my knowledge) The thing is-I signed a 3 year modeling contract in December with one of the top ten agencies in the world. I was in NYC for a couple months for New York Fashion Week and was sent home while the rest of the girls went to Europe because I didn't have a passport. My agency told me a month ago that they wanted me back in NY but I had to find my own place and they would pay a certain amount. Well I found one within budget that will accept my three pets. Finally. I talked to the guy offering the room in depth, etc. But I'm afraid to leave him. I'm currently back with my mom (who lives like 10 minutes away from Dad) and I fear he could possibly be drinking again. He is forgetful and such, but that *might* be chalked up to the stress he's under-but I'm unsure. I asked my stepmother point blank and she said he's dry...but she didn't tell me when he relapsed before (well I was there when he initially relapsed but she let me think it was an isolated incident) He said when I was there that I was a better source of support than his wife. I was the one who got him to eat when he looked downright anorexic. I was the one who was able to talk to him without him shutting down. I believe I was a pretty large factor in him getting sober again seeing as he went for it shortly after I moved in and started trying to help him after discovering the problem. I was basically the only one he turned to. If I leave I'll be an 8 hour drive away, and won't be able to take any other quicker transportation due to the fact that I'm taking my pets (two of whom are very old and medically fragile and don't have the neccessary documentation to fly) I have to take them as my mother neglected them almost to the point of death while I was away before. If I don't leave it'll devastate him at me throwing my golden chance away. Plus I won't have the money to stop asking him for help and won't be able to turn the tables and help him, which I desperately want to do. I'm just so confused and don't really know what to do. I don't care how it is for me-I just want to make the right choice by him. I have a fantastic relationship with him in spite of his addiction problems and wouldn't trade him for the world. Any advice?

OhBoy

Simply put, YOU are not responsible for HIS recovery. HE is responsible for HIS recovery. YOU are responsible for YOUR health. I know it seems like you are abandoning him, but you are not. If he is going to drink, neglect his health or write on the walls with crayons, he's gonna do it whether your there or not! It's good to support him but be careful not to do it in a codependent way. Remember your 3 C's. You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, & you can't CURE it. If you really think about those three things, I think you will find your answer.

Alanon has helped me break a lot of my codependent bad habits & has given me a healthy approach to dealing with the alcoholics in my life. I no longer spiral out of control over things out of my control. Give it a try if you haven't yet. keep posting, it helps more the more ya do it!

PS Congrats on the modeling gig! Enjoy every minute of it, you deserve it!

aasharon90

It's easy to become a caretaker for someone
who is sick, esp., a family member providing
if you have a close relationship with them.

I suppose since im not close to my own family,
it's easy for me to say, go and live your life
because your family did their job already by
raising you, now it's time for you to fly off
and live your own life as you want.

Having a modeling career ahead of you
sounds totally awesome and rewarding.
Follow your dreams and enjoy your life
is what id tell my own 2 adult kids, in
which they have and still are.

You are sooo young and it sounds like
you have a good heart and head on ur
shoulders.

If it will put ur mind at ease, have someone
you trust to keep an eye on ur parents so
you can fullfill your own dreams.

Much luck and guidance from Above in ur
endevers.

Kialua

Absolutely get out on your own. You are not his cure. And if you are it's not a real cure.

dollydo

You cannot save him, it is all up to him.

Go on with your life, it's time.

Spes

I'm a Dad to my daughter who is just a bit older than you. We have a wonderful relationship and I wouldn't trade her for the world.

The right choice I would want my daughter to make is that she lives life to the fullest. I would want her to follow her hopes and dreams. It would break my heart to think that I held her back.

I'd like to think your Dad wants the same for you.