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-   -   Dad has Dementia, won't Stop Drinking, Kids Need Help (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/258237-dad-has-dementia-wont-stop-drinking-kids-need-help.html)

LaLaLoveLiz 05-31-2012 09:27 AM

Dad has Dementia, won't Stop Drinking, Kids Need Help
 
Hello out there,

It's been a while since I've been in the recovery community, but after growing up in Alateen, I'm hoping that this is the right place to turn.

I'll try to make this brief- it's a long story (what story involving an alcoholic parent isn't long...), but my brother and I really need some help.

Our dad is a 65 year old alcoholic with Werneke Korsakoff-based Dementia. A year ago, we brought him back to the states after it became clear that he could no longer live abroad on his own. (He had been gone for 4 years, but his quality of life was suffering, he was attacked, robbed, and it was time to come home.)

We found an independent living facility for him, did all the paperwork, Doctor's visits, etc... and by the first evening he was in trouble with the powers that be. After a few weeks of us going back and forth on his independence level, and a few weeks of stocking up on booze, Dad landed himself in the hospital and got evicted from the community.

There was ONE local senior living community that would take him from the hospital. He's been there since October 2011, but things have come to a breaking point, once again, as dad refuses to stop drinking, refuses to admit he has dementia (much less alcoholism) and the community wants us to hire someone for 24hr care, ON TOP of their high monthly fees.

So, here's my question: Are there communities for alcoholics with dementia? My dad is in great physical shape, charming, extremely independent and doesn't need much physical care. What he does need, however, is a place where he can walk around outside, be a part of a community, and NOT have access to alcohol...

Does this place only exist in my mind?

My brother and I have spent thousands on special care managers, geriatric lawyers, etc.., trying to find the right place... and our experience has been so negative.

Oh, I should also mention that my dad doesn't think he needs ANY help, and is continuously threatening to just pack his bags and leave.

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. My brother and I are both in our mid-twenties, with hectic full-time jobs, trying to make our own ends meet. We're at the end of our rope here...

Thank you all.

Kialua 05-31-2012 02:11 PM

Welcome, yes I think this is the right place for you. My alcoholic Dad had Alzheimer's, not exactly the same physical illness but the same challenges. He finally broke the law, took the shotgun and wanted to shoot my (enabling martyr) Mom and she called the police on him. He then went out driving around threatening others and the police caught him, incarcerated him, locked him up and he had AA treatment at the VA. He was 80, it took and he descended into Alzheimer's at about 84, died in the VA.

Is your Dad a Vet? Maybe that could help. But in any case, get a record going of any illegal activity like driving while intoxicated, etc. Then maybe you can get some court help. The only place he could be living at that has no alcohol possibilities is if he is committed. Otherwise he can come and go and get liquor.

It's pretty hard to get someone committed against their will and useless to have them sign in because they can then sign out and do. We did finally commit my sister and it worked. But the best way is to document a history of activities. Good luck, hang in there.

tromboneliness 05-31-2012 02:23 PM

It's hard -- alcoholics get to be experts at charming doctors, social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, lawyers, and anyone else they talk to, into believing that they do not have a problem with alcohol. They're pros at turning it around so everyone they talk to ends up convinced that, in fact, they do not have a problem with alcohol and that it's their family members who have the problem. They portray us as intolerant bluenosed control freaks who constantly make a big deal out of nothing. Sure, they relax with a cold one in the evening -- who doesn't? But their crazy spouse/kids/parents/in-laws keep acting like they're some big alcoholic -- which any fool can plainly see is not the case!

I certainly didn't find any way of preventing my Dad from drinking, or my Mom or my wife for that matter. There's really no way to do it, or if there is, I haven't found it yet!

T

Willybluedog 05-31-2012 02:39 PM

Hello LalaLoveLiz,

I am so very sorry for your situation, I don't have any advice that will help, I just wanted you to know that we are here and available to listen.

I am lucky in that my parents have a Irrevocable Living Trust and it has provisions for stripping my parents of control of their Trust and commitment proceedures built in, my mom has been an alcoholic for over 40 years and my dad had the Trust Attorney build in some safeguards.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

dbh 05-31-2012 04:14 PM

I'm so sorry for what you and your brother are going through.

I was in a somewhat similar situation with my alcoholic father a couple of years ago. I can relate to how stressful and frustrating it can be and I was much older than you when I had to deal with it.

I commend you and your brother for all that you are doing.

My dad had dementia and also emphysema. He was in pretty bad shape and also scared when we finally convinced him to leave his apartment.

His situation was different in that he was knew he couldn't live alone, however, I had to find him a place that would accept his minimal income.

I got a lot of advice from eldercare agencies in his state. I think most states have a Department of Aging. I think that's a good place to start.

I kept making calls and telling his story over and over again until I luckily found a place that would accept him. Even then, he was in and out of hospitals and even spent some time in a mental hospital because he became violent after taking certain meds.

During this extremely stressful period of my life, I kept my serenity by realizing that there was just so much I could do. I wasn't going to be able to erase the years of abuse he put his body through and I still couldn't change him (This I tried for almost my entire life).

I made sure that I continued with my own self-care - went to ACA meetings, posted on on-line forums, and met with my therapist & priest. The rector of my church is also an ACA and I got a lot of support from him.

I had to give so much up to my HP.

Thank you for sharing and for letting me share.

Best Wishes,

db

LaLaLoveLiz 06-01-2012 08:59 AM

Thank you all for your kind words. It's extremely helpful to know that I'm not the only one out there in this kind of situation.

:)

Mo S 06-01-2012 09:18 AM

Based on my personal experiece; there are plenty of nursing homes which accept alcoholics with dementia. Considering the cost of 24 hour care; it might be a good option. Ive had plenty of residents where i worked in a similar situation. I wish you the best.

Kialua 06-02-2012 08:25 PM


Originally Posted by Mo S (Post 3425492)
Based on my personal experiece; there are plenty of nursing homes which accept alcoholics with dementia. Considering the cost of 24 hour care; it might be a good option. Ive had plenty of residents where i worked in a similar situation. I wish you the best.

Then would that be a lock up situation? I think that is what is needed. But how to get the father in there when he can be charming and not show it yet is the hard part. If he doesn't submit to an exam of some kind then how can she move forward?

Mo S 06-03-2012 02:20 AM

Yes; based on the level of care he needs - it would be a lockdown situation. It all starts with you and his doctor. He will be evaluated for dementia and his doctor will establish that he needs that level of care AS well as the fact that he can't stop drinking. I would think it would be a safety issue. If the senior community he was at wanted you to hire 24 hour care then he is probably at the level to qualify. Hopefully' he has a good doctor who is not only aware of all you have been going thru with him and, understands you've reached a point where someone is telling you he needs 24 hour supervision. I wish you the best.

rosiev 06-04-2012 06:04 PM

Mother-in-law with dementia and alcoholism
 
These situations are so hard. I, too have a similar situation. My mother-in-law is an alcoholic with moderate dementia, which might be a direct result of many years of heavy drinking. She insists she does not need help and even gets angry at us when we try to help her, but it is clear to us, her friends, and her doctors that she is not OK.

We agonize every day about what to do with her. When we know what we should do and she refuses to cooperate, it ends up in an awful scene. Her dementia isn't so bad that we can trick her into doing what we need her to do very often and she is very uncooperative.

No matter what we do or say, mother-in-law won't stop drinking and it is killing her slowly. Her doctors have talked to her and we even were able to keep her away from alcohol for an extended period of time, but one day she just decided to do anything it took to drink again. She has been drinking every day since. It really seems there is nothing anyone can do about it.

LaLaLoveLiz, I absolutely feel for you. I think you have found a great support community here. You will certainly get lots of good help here.

Kialua 06-04-2012 06:26 PM

Hi rosiev, you found us! I'm sorry you are going through this, it's hard I know. The only thing you can do is wait until her doctor recommends a facility. Sounds like it won't be too long, sad.

Jackiz 05-31-2013 04:37 AM

These are so sad moment. Near about one year ago i have also faced this kind of situation. My father also an alcoholic with moderate dementia. They not need help and even gets angry at us when we try to help them, but it is clear to us, their friends, and doctors that they was not OK.


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