Kialua

49er_fan I think that your honoring her wishes was very nice. Not many people now a days would do that. I think it takes a lot of pride in yourself to do that. I say Good for you! It would have been much harder to break up if you had been physical with her and you would have left a big part of your heart with her forever. There is nothing wrong with waiting for marriage. Maybe you should have moved to marriage sooner. But that was just not written in the stars for her and you.

DefofLov

Hi Everyone,

As an ACOA my *intimate* life mirrors the whole boundary issue. I have not read up on being an ACOA in a while, but I believe a lot of us have boundary issues. I let a lot of things happen to me. *Intimate* things that I regret. I am working on forgiving myself for letting men who did not care about me use me. I let *intimate* things happen when I was not ready for it and when I did not really want it.

I grew up doing everything I could to get my family to love me. This was mirrored in my relationships with men. I let men hurt me. I let them hurt my body. My temple. I didn't know what I was doing at the time. I didn't know what real love was. I thought it was a requirement. Allowing these...*things* to happen.

I am better with boundaries now. I am better at seeing when someone is just trying to take advantage of me. I am also celibate for the time being until I am totally sure that being intimate with someone is truly something I want. In my last relationship, I am proud to say that getting physical was not something I did to earn his love like I did in the past. He didn't hurt me physically and I didn't just allow things to happen that I was not comfortable with.

Thank you everyone for sharing such personal stories. It helps to share my story too.

Love,

~Lily

tromboneliness

Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! We have a winner!!!

The best decision my wife and I ever made -- starting from the moment we became a household unit, about 2-1/2 years before we got married -- was that we would always KEEP OUR MONEY SEPARATE.

We may join forces to buy things -- big-ticket items, invest in our business, cover this or that cost for each other, etc. -- but that's always downstream. On the "upstream" side -- where the funds are stored -- those are always separate, and never the twain shall meet.

Result? We basically never argue about money.

Contrast that with most couples (e.g., my and my wife's parents), who spend their entire lives constantly fighting about money -- I want this, we can't afford that, you always buy what you want, you never let me buy anything, why didn't you tell me you wrote that check, now we're overdrawn, etc., etc., etc. ad infinitum.

We're always trying to convince our younger friends, when they're setting up a new household, that separate checking accounts are the way to go. They never get it -- there's this idea that you have to have joint bank accounts, because that's just how you do it when you're married, etc. Result: they constantly fight about money. Lather, rinse, repeat....

T

DavidG

I am with you on this one tromboneless... we fought and agonised about a whole heap of things- but not about money... it works a treat!

Kialua

Then there's my way, I keep MY money and we share his! Works for us.

DesertEyes

OMG !!! That one needed a coffee spew alert. I _love_ it !!!

Mike

EvenIfItKillsMe

Well-i don't know if the fact that my parents (actually entire extended family) are alcoholics caused my weirdness, but I'm asexual. Totally and completely. I have never had nor desired a romantic relationship and don't want kids. None of my family has been sexually inappropriate to me in any way, although funny enough-there are a few sex addicts in the bunch lol

Kialua

Welcome EvenIfItKillsMe. If that works for you I guess it's fine. I think I would be too lonely, but if you have enough friends and family then it would help. Are you a young adult or have you lived a whole life like this? You don't have answer by the way, I don't meant pry.

DesertEyes

Hello EvenIfItKillsMe, and welcome to our corner of SR

If you take a little time to browse around the posts here you will see that we all have some kind of "weirdness". Which means that around here you are perfectly "normal"

Hope you find something useful here, and welcome again

Mike

zorah

i don't know why but this subject always sends waves of panic and shame over me. nothing bad happened in my past. my dad was severely alcoholic and treated me as his real partner, though not physically. he is touch-averse; my mother a kind but non-hugger type parent. being touched is something to be endured, never enjoyed. everything in me recoils, though i am better than i used to be. i feel like such a freak and i keep my horror of closeness and sexual contact a well guarded secret. i don't know why i feel so much pain around this....

zorah

DesertEyes

Hello zorah, and welcome to our corner of recovery

No worries, as you can see from just this thread, it takes only a little bit of dysfunction in a family to create a serious mess in the way a child understands sexuality, physical intimacy, hugging, and sometimes even something as common as a handshake. If you come from a culture that has additional issues about physical touch and sex it only makes it worse.

You are not a freak _here_.

well, that is what recovery is all about. Figuring out why we have these feelings that affect our lives, finding ways to overcome them and building a life that we can enjoy instead of endure.

What I did was find a good therapist. I had to do a little shopping around, there were not many that had a good background in ACA. I started with small things, like the horror I had about having ice cubes in anything I drank. Not quite paranoia, but it was heading that way. Once I got that one figured out the next was much easier, and then the next.

If you look around this forum you will see that we all get well. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but we do heal.

Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to post.

Mike
Moderator, SR

tromboneliness

I think the thing we tend to forget/ignore/dismiss is the idea that it's perfectly possible to be a "successful" human being without ever having had sex. It may not be typical, usual, or statistically "normal" -- but it's one of those things. Sir Isaac Newton -- who's going to say he wasn't one of the all-time greats, in the Homo Sapiens Hall of Fame? Celibate his entire life (I think -- could be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure I remember reading that). My favorite composer, Anton Bruckner, was another one -- it is documented that when his doctor made one of his last housecalls before Bruckner died, he lamented to the doctor that he was going to go to his grave never having slept with a woman. Yet he created musical masterworks that dwarf almost anything else created during his time and that still move and inspire people all over the world. An unsuccessful person? Not in my book.

My mom was one of those kind-yet-not-huggy types, and my Dad was even more reserved -- I didn't hug him 'til I was 41! He seemed not quite to know what to do with a hug from his son, but I think he liked it in the end. I never had a date 'til I was 30 -- and although I did manage to meet a woman and end up married, that was more through dumb luck than any initiative of my own. Sure, I was not happy with my lot in life, up until then, but that certainly didn't mean I couldn't accomplish anything or enjoy life, at least some of the time....

T

zorah

thank you tromboneliness for your kind comments. the pain i have is a common one with adult children, i think. this desire to be close but also terror of it once offered. it is ironic that i, a child of a tormented alcoholic, should be someone who can only be romantically intimate when i'm drinking!

in the end, it's about being accepting and compassionate towards myself....not an easy achievement!

zorah

tromboneliness

That is totally me -- I would like to say "was," but I don't think it has really changed, despite the ring on my finger... which, as I say, was acquired through a lucky coincidence I don't really understand to this day. I was always a loner, and although I didn't like it and wanted a relationship, I'd get incredibly shy and would bolt whenever any kind of prospect appeared. Although I'm married now (almost 15 years), I have a nagging fear of abandonment, because as far as I'm concerned, this is my one shot, and if I lose it, there won't be another one. (I think that's also why I stayed with my wife during the "bad old days" when she was drinking heavily and very ill as a result -- I figured at least I had company, which I was not going to have again, so I held onto it.) Despite many years of recovery work, I don't think I'd be much better at finding/cultivating a relationship now than before.

Bottom line: it's all about accepting yourself, as you say. I'm not really there yet, and who knows if I'll ever really get there -- but at least I have a better idea of what's going on between my ears than I used to. Meanwhile... Keep Coming Back!

T

painfully

This was such an interesting thread for me to read. I find that my intimacy issues are almost overwhelming. I find hugging to be incredibly uncomfortable, although I have managed to break that with my children.
My father used intimacy to manipulate us, or so it felt, I love you so much, blah blah blah. My mother has told me she loves me 3 times that I can remember. For some reason, I always feel as though I am being manipulated with emotional intimacy. Sex is certainly an all or nothing thing with me. As far as any other physical intimacy, gentle touching, holding hands anything that is non sexual, it makes me feel very uncomfortable and slightly nauseous.

Kialua

Ooooh I HATE hugging people. Except for my kids. Even my best friend of decades, I just hate it. I think adults are threatening.

Chris1000101

Kialua, I hated any type of touch by others, I would jump out of my skin every time if I did not know it was coming. I can remember my first couple of years with counseling and ACoA, especially being touched by a female; I would disappear for at least a couple of weeks. It has been a long time and a lot of work but I have gotten to the point that I look forward to a hug or two at every meeting. I know today that if I am uncomfortable with it I need to look at it. I also know today, if I leave a meeting without any hugs, I am isolating and have a big issue to deal with. I do respect the boundaries of others. If it is someone new, I will ask first, “Are you huggable?”

Kialua

That's a good way to deal with it, asking. For me, I mean I do hug and let people hug me but I just HATE it, except for my kids. My best friend knows it too but she thinks I need a hug. eh.

I had a boss that would get a kick out of sneaking up behind me and just touch me with one finger, scare me to death and I'd let out a scream. He was lecherous though, and it was proved. Then there was the boss who actually did molest me against my will, then there was the male friend who kept trying to give me massages, and a few more...

I guess I've just had some bad circumstances. Whatever happened to shaking hands? :rotfxko

Workin

Thank you, Tunie, for your insight in beginning to question this and your courage to share it! I have wondered about my own intimate desires/responses over the years and just thought that was what everyone experienced, but now... with all of these responses, I see this may be just another aspect of the fallout from my family. It really does help knowing others experience the same things I do.

Payne

Reading this was awesome, I've had the same exact issue with many relationships. I often relate to telling people I act like the man in a relationship. My off and on style has driven me nuts...wish I knew why.