Moms can you help me with this?
 

As an ACA I struggle as a husband and father, I work my butt off to do the right things, maintain my temper, not let my ACA issues flow onto my family, but I am having an issue in my marraige that I need some advice on.

My wife, the mother of my two children is a wonderful woman, she is the main breadwinner due to my disability, she works long days as a nurse in a highly stressful job, I stay home, do the cooking, cleaning, carpool etc.

The problem, my wife has lost her sense of self. She is a mother, a wife, a nurse, she has lost the I am ______ a real person separate from all my other duties.

This is affecting me greatly, I don't know how to help her, it makes me sad to see the woman that I love struggle with her identity.

Can anyone suggest books on this subject, is this a common problem, as a man I still see myself first and foremost as me, yes I am a dad, and a husband, and housekeeper, and carpool person, but I am still Bill.

Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks all,

Bill

Has she said she feels she has lost her "self" or is this your surmising? Just wondering before I get into it. Not that either is right or wrong it will just reflect which books I recommend.

Are your kids young? That is a hard time. It's just such a busy time. People always say "find time to do thus and such" but that is the main problem. There is no time! Not till the kids grow up and leave home. Then it's empty nest that hits and hurts.

Maybe she just needs a break/vacation of some sort. Take some time off for her. I'm not sure it's attainable, but sometimes even if she does little things for herself here and there--it makes a huge difference. Also, maybe she is worried about everyone else all the time that she forgets herself. It can be easy to do--and then it all bottles up and then a meltdown happens and u realize u haven't had a haircut in over 2 years. (Surely not speaking from experience, eh hem...sarcasm). Not sure what her situation is like...but it's something she is going to need to do for herself...find ways to care and nurture herself thru time. Just a guess. Perhaps it's been a while--esp if the disability has been fairly recent...ie within the last couple years or so. Perhaps she's just now realizing how she is feeling after the aftermath of everything that's happened and changed in the family? Best wishes to u!

Well here are a couple I like don't know if it's what you are looking for or not. I hope the links ork

Amazon.com: Shopping for Time: Books

Amazon.com: The 500 Hats of a Modern-Day Woman: Strength for Today's Demanding Roles (Women of Confidence) (9781569550649): Joyce K. Ellis: Books

I am a single mom of 4 kids. I have my oldest every day. My 3 younger ones I have Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and every other Saturday.

I work 45 hours a week. I go to two meetings a week. I also have 3 kids in sports right now. I am busy, but wouldn't change a minute of it.

Is she saying this?

Bill, I want to chime in here, too, because I might be able to offer a little bit of insight into the situation. Your posts have really helped me figure out this ACA stuff, and I'd like to ease your burden if I can. I'm in pretty much the same position as your wife, except we don't have little kids at home any more, and I work 2 jobs 7 days a week. My husband and I are both adult children of alcoholics, and we have active alcoholics in our families currently. In addition, he suffers from PTSD from active combat in Vietnam.

Most days, I feel like it's me against the world and the only place I feel safe is at home. I also feel like I'm just barely hanging on by a thread most of the time. When I am at home, I appear numb to my husband, because I'm worn out from contact with the "outside" and need down time to prepare myself to do the same thing tomorrow. It's a matter of survival for me. And I don't have any extra time or energy to waste. I can't take one more thing to deal with, without totally losing my mind.

In my case, and probably in the case of your wife, we feel responsible for the well-being of our husbands, in addition to our children. I'm not sure that's the way most women are wired. We're happy to do it, and we don't complain. We know this is how it has to be. But it would be very uplifting to me if my husband surprised me by releasing some of the emotional burden that I feel.

My husband also does most of the housework, errands, etc., which is a lifesaver for me. I know your wife appreciates all that you do, too. But if there is one thing that my husband could do that would give me a little bit of myself back, it would be for him to take charge of one thing, any one thing, so I feel like he's taking care of me, instead of vice-versa. As it is now, I feel like I'm responsible for our success financially, emotionally, and in most every other way.

Okay, I'm not sure now anything I've said is helpful to you. I've re-read what I've typed, and it sounds like I'm the one who needs advice. Darn! At least it may encourage others to speak up.

Thank you all so much.

Her exact word were "I am a wife, a mother, a nurse, which is just like being someone else's mother, and I don't know if there is a me in there"

She struggles to see herself as a good mom, she does not miss a school play or anything where the kids are getting an award, she does not make all their practices and games because there are just too many, but she schedules in as many as she can.

I found out she had been emailing and was planning to meet man she met somewhere online, that did not go over well at all and the fur flew all over the house, she has agreed not to talk to him anymore and allow me access to her computer and phone anytime I want.

Now she says maybe she wants to go to grad school. IMHO she does not need more things on her plate, but I told her to do what made her happy.

I don't see how adding grad school will improve her struggles with her view of her mothering skills.

I believe individual and joint counseling is what is needed but she is dragging her feet on going.

Thanks again all of you for the help.

Bill

Wow. Yeah problems. I think the best thing you can do is work on yourself. Give her the best you that you can be. The rest is up to her. You take care of yourself, work on your healing to thebest of yoour ability. Saying a prayer for you and your family.

(((Bill)) - I don't know that what happened to me has any effect on what your wife is going through. I was neither the spouse or a parent, but when I was a nurse? It was what I lived, breathed and slep.

It took me going deep into addiction, finding SR and finding out I was okay, just as I am. I didn't need the RN after my name.

It sounds as if she has lots how she is, other than mom, spouse, nurse and I do get that. SR was enough for me, but maybe you're wife needs more than that? When I was still nurse, I was eligible for EAP and that helped a lot. Just something to think about.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

I'm sorry that you are going through this difficult time.

Since having children there have been times when I felt like I have lost touch with who I am outside of being a mother and wife. I have been married for 14 years. My husband and I tend to focus so much on the kids that we forget who we are as a couple. Sometimes we go out on dates and promise each other that we won't talk about the children!

I personally don't think that someone else can help you "find yourself". I also think that when you're married you owe it to yourself and spouse to work on the marriage before getting involved with someone else.

I would keep the focus on me and my own recovery. Something like this would bring out my fear of abandonment and trust issues big time.

I would be supportive, but also set boundaries and be clear about what I needed, wanted, and was willing to do.

Sending you strength.

db

Thank you all, I know all I can do is work on me.

I learned the hard way with my mother and my ex-wife that pushing someone only pushes them away.

I told her I would not tolerate her having an affair of any kind (emotional, virtual, actual, whatever) and if it did not stop that I would ask her to leave our home.

I truly believe she knows this is not the answer to her problems, she may not know what the right answer is but she knows it is not an affair.

I was thinking a retreat or a spa, somewhere for her to just concentrate on herself for a few days.

Okay, well, the affair changes everything. I admire the fact that you are seeking help for your wife after she betrayed you like that.

It sounds ideal, I can agree with that. Right now though may not be the best time to count on my thinking. When reading, “having an affair of any kind”, I felt a shift in my thinking. I wasn’t aware of it until our divorce but my ex had been having affairs and I was dumb enough to give her the benefit of doubt. I know my issue of trust is my problem and I have no control over another, and if I try to control I will lose them for sure. All I can do is make suggestions and hope for the best. I hope your wife is open to suggestions.

Bill, like your wife, I am a spouse of an acoa and the main breadwinner.

"I am a wife, a mother, a nurse, which is just like being someone else's mother, and I don't know if there is a me in there"

I think what she meant is this : as a wife, mother, nurse, she is always putting another person's (you, the children, her patients) needs before her own.

She has to be strong all the time. It will be nice if once in a while, she can rely on someone else for a change ie, someone else looking after her for a change.

Perhaps, what she need most right now, is to find 'ME' time to focus on herself, do something that she enjoys away from work, work, work or family obligation so that she can find some 'balance' in her life.

It might be a good idea to also pencil in dates with your wife, so that you can enjoy time together as a 'couple'

I admit it is kind of worrying that she is looking outside her marriage for something missing in her life.

Sometimes, when us women/mom's/wives do so much and are sooo strong all the time b/c often, in many cases, we HAVE to be....sometimes it can get to a point where there is such an imbalance and we find things that are 'unhealthy' and damaging in the long-run appealling to us--or 'sound good' for the moment, but in reality are not good. There was a point in time where another fellow I grew up w/ in school got in touch with me again via the INTERNET (of course--how else does this stuff start half the time lol)--we started talking--and out of nowhere he tried convincing me to try to be with him--despite not knowing anything about my husband, marriage--whether I was in a good or bad marriage--AND despite that he had nothing to bring to the table. Because of my depression at the time, and loneliness, a part of the idea of being with him/someone else appealed to me. After several months of talking, he wanted to meet with me in person w/out my husband and that's when I said no. I couldn't bring myself to do it b/c I just knew it would be wrong. I told my husband about what had happened and apologized. I stopped talking to the guy on my own accord. Still took me a while to get past the idea of being with him. In retrospect....I completely realize my error in thinking at the time and WHY he appealed to me at that time. I was encountering and facing my own intimacy issues for the first time, my husband and I rarely saw each other and when we did--we were both mad at each other about something--or having difficutly getting along, I had MAJOR trust issues--constantly thought he was going to cheat on me or lie to me (b/c that's just what guys do...they either abuse, lie, or cheat--or all of the above--that's the model of thinking I grew up with), we were stressed financially so I was working a lot as well as he was, etc...the list goes on. I had no balance...no inkling of how to take care of myself or recognize my own needs so as to NOT burn out and freak out, so I was looking for an escape. In reality...sometimes we feel a certain way in a moment--and sometimes other people come along and try to convince us that we'd be happier with them, but in reality...we'd STILL be dealing with the same issues with someone else. the grass is not always greener...no matter how often we make the mistake of sometimes thinking so. We'll always have a problem to overcome in any relationship--I may have an issue in my marriage in a certain area...then come to find I have an issue in a different area with the other person I moved onto. Everyone's got stuff they have to overcome...and I KNOW I was NOT in my right mind when I was talkng to that guy. Also, what's interesting...is this guy reminded me A LOT of my own husband lol....which is also kind of ironic in a way.
In regards to your wife, it could be an issue of this guy feeding her lines that 'she needs something more' in her life and/or it could just be her needing to find a balance and slow down. But these are all things she'll have to figure out for herself. Truly, it will be more rewarding for her to continue investing in the family she has started with you--even if there are times when she may feel like she wants to run away from it all. But she will need to realize that. There's nothing u can do but love her and be there for her the best you can. Hopefully this is just a temporary bump in the road that she needs to get passed until she figures things out for herself.
My husband has said to me...when we've had difficulties in our relationship, there's been times where he's thought...gee it'd be a lot easier to find someone else b/c then I wouldn't have to deal w/ this issue b/c this is tiring. But then he said...if it's not this issue, it will be a different issue/hurdle w/ someone else. There will always be something to overcome and at the end of the day, you'll be happy you made the choice to face it and overcome it, and get passed it and see what's waiting for you on the other side. I think a deeper love for one another often is what is found waiting there....after the storms, trials, and tests have passed. Hang in there buddy.

Hi Bill,

Every human being is a separate child of God and each one of us has to find out own peace and place on this earth and recovery.

Your wife has the same rights and choices anyone else does. She can begin her own program of human recovery an 12-step fellowship anytime she chooses.

It's so simple, she can just go to the meeting. But a human being usually has to be in a lot of pain before they are willing to go.

She must fit in somewhere - Alanon, AA, ACA, EA, OA...there's somewhere for everyone.

Our family members are not without need for help, and she probably has had her own issues before you even met her. As people age their own symptoms usually get worse.

We can never, ever give another human being willingness, and it is not a good thing to save someone. She will have to find her own path.

Best of luck.

Thank you all, I find all of this so complicated and frustrating.

One of the things that drives me crazy with my current spouse and drove me crazy with my former spouse is that when I tell/told either of them that they were pretty, beautiful, sexy (whatever), it's always discounted, as in well you have to tell me that because you are married to me, so it carries little or no weight, but if a stranger says it to them, well damn, all of a sudden it's a huge deal, so some stranger is scoring brownie points.

Maybe it's me but I want to hear that I am handsome and sexy from my wife, she is the only person that counts in my eyes, I don't need or look for affirmation from anyone else, now I don't know whthere that's a man/woman thing or it's something just between me and my current and former spouses.

The other thing that I really do not get is my wifes first husband cheated on her, I never, ever thought she would cheat with a man who had a wife and four kids, it is just unfathomable to me, after being cheated on by my first wife I would never cheat let alone cheat with someone where I could be the reason for a marriage breaking up.

Anyway, we spent the weekend talking, really talking, we are working on finding our way back, we have agreed that we have to have total honesty in all things, she has offered me all her passwords for phone, email, etc. she has agreed to see a therapist and promised me that she will do whatever is necessary to regain my trust. I feel like she is really making an effort.


Also we found some books on Amazon that she is going to read.

The Balanced Mom by Bria Simpson

The Mothers of Reinvention by Jennifer Pate and Barbara Machen

Mojo Momby Amy Tiemann

Thanks you all again for your great ideas and your support, it is so much easier to go through this when you don't feel alone.

Big hugs to all of you,

Bill

Make a date night and keep it. Even if its a one hour picnic on the floor in the dark with a candle. ;) It takes less to make a woman smile than most men think, it's the simple things in life. Think small first.

There are lots of great ideas here already.

The time I felt this way (as if I no longer knew who I was) was in the wake of finding out about my (ex) husband's affairs (emotional? physical? I still don't know.) Apart from al-anon, what helped me most was starting a list at 42things.com and starting to do the things on it.

Thank you all,

I just want to say that things are much better, we have both been going to counseling and we have been talking more.

We have talked a lot about how and what pushed her to that point and how we can create excitement between us, we have made a consious effort to be more affectionate with each other, even something as small as making sure we hold hands when we go out makes a big difference.

I made an appointment for a full day at a local spa and she got to relax and be spoiled, that seemed to really have helped her rest and recharge.