I relapsed. But I am determined never to do it again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
Right now I am reading a book called "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans. It is one of the most eye-opening books I've ever read and I see my sister so clearly in what she describes.
One of the things mentioned is that a very controlling person will usually stalk someone who tries to escape, so I am shutting down my facebook (just not posting anymore) and I am going to set up my mail to only accept e-mail from specified people.
I will probably at some point have to stop posting here too, because they might be able to figure out it's me by the details. (They know I use this as a recovery resource.)
By closing down every avenue with which they can control me or even keep track of me, I will help lessen their obsession to control me over time.
I went through h### on earth with my abusive ex-husband, including physical abuse and the police coming when I was screaming for help.
He didn't believe I would ever leave him. But I did. And he tested the boundaries, quite a few times, especially over the first six months or so. But I remained resolute, and I will remain resolute this time. And now he is out of my life, and except for a few times when I remember my past, out of my head, as well. That is what I hope to accomplish with my abusive FOO.
One of the things mentioned is that a very controlling person will usually stalk someone who tries to escape, so I am shutting down my facebook (just not posting anymore) and I am going to set up my mail to only accept e-mail from specified people.
I will probably at some point have to stop posting here too, because they might be able to figure out it's me by the details. (They know I use this as a recovery resource.)
By closing down every avenue with which they can control me or even keep track of me, I will help lessen their obsession to control me over time.
I went through h### on earth with my abusive ex-husband, including physical abuse and the police coming when I was screaming for help.
He didn't believe I would ever leave him. But I did. And he tested the boundaries, quite a few times, especially over the first six months or so. But I remained resolute, and I will remain resolute this time. And now he is out of my life, and except for a few times when I remember my past, out of my head, as well. That is what I hope to accomplish with my abusive FOO.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
P.S. I feel like I'm out of jail, too. 
And I know about those great rewards - I've been living life with authentic relationships. I've tried to have minimal contact with my family of origin but I am getting a lot of pressure to come visit, etc. and plus I feel so lousy even after just reading e-mails from them, that I have decided it's time to take care of myself and my own feelings and shut them out. In other words I've been living this relatively healthy life but keeping a toe in the water with them out of obligation but every time I step back into their world in any way I just find myself feeling sick inside and I want to escape more than anything else in the world.
And I know about those great rewards - I've been living life with authentic relationships. I've tried to have minimal contact with my family of origin but I am getting a lot of pressure to come visit, etc. and plus I feel so lousy even after just reading e-mails from them, that I have decided it's time to take care of myself and my own feelings and shut them out. In other words I've been living this relatively healthy life but keeping a toe in the water with them out of obligation but every time I step back into their world in any way I just find myself feeling sick inside and I want to escape more than anything else in the world.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,826
Rock on and be happy ACOA!
I get it that you wouldn't have enjoyed one minute of your sister's company because she is toxic.
One of the ACOA mods here, his name is Mike. He's like our Big Brother, only nice. I bet he'll be along sooner than later to say, "Yep. You post as much as you like. We get you. We understand."
One of the coolest ACOA Recovery things for me is being able to "Figure Things Out", like you did with the AOL account. NICE GOING! For me, being a victim included not having the skills to help myself. That kept me small, right? Well, I'm learning I can Figure Stuff Out and come up with Creative Solutions I Never Thought Of Before.
I get it that you wouldn't have enjoyed one minute of your sister's company because she is toxic.
One of the ACOA mods here, his name is Mike. He's like our Big Brother, only nice. I bet he'll be along sooner than later to say, "Yep. You post as much as you like. We get you. We understand."
One of the coolest ACOA Recovery things for me is being able to "Figure Things Out", like you did with the AOL account. NICE GOING! For me, being a victim included not having the skills to help myself. That kept me small, right? Well, I'm learning I can Figure Stuff Out and come up with Creative Solutions I Never Thought Of Before.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by frances2011 
.... One of the ACOA mods here, his name is Mike. He's like our Big Brother, only nice. ...
Originally Posted by frances2011
.... "Yep. You post as much as you like. We get you. We understand." ...
Yup, Frances is right. Post all you want, that's the whole reason SR is here, so that people like us have a place to share and learn from each other.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
Thanks you guys! You've been way more supportive and helpful than the toxic members of my FOO ever were! This is what REAL family is!
Funny thing, as soon as I deactivated facebook and did the AOL thing (limiting access to me) my Aunt called. Now, I love her very much and she was one of the few sources of kindness in my childhood. But she's a big supporter of my sister and my sister seems to have put on such a good act around her, that she'd never believe that my sister could ever be abusive. At least that's what I think. (For instance, my sister isn't doing too well as a pastor, because...well, because she's mean to people and they leave her church. So my Aunt suggested I go out and get a job to send the money I make to my sister. Like a codependent thing, you know?)
So I don't know for sure but if I had to guess, I would think the timing of the phone call meant it was my sister trying to use that avenue to retain control of me.
I wrote to my husband and we agreed, we aren't going to pick up any calls that have phone numbers originating in Montana. Just let the answering machine get it. That's part of the rules for getting away from abusive people when they are trying to retain control over you and keep you in their clutches.
Anyway, I figure, it's going to be a big drama here in my life for awhile as various avenues to retain control of me are tried, and as I insist on my freedom.
Thanks Mike and Frances for saying it's okay to post. Thanks so much Mike too for being a moderator and keeping this place safe!
Right now I'm really desperate to have a safe place to come to vent, to receive encouragement, to have my reality validated, etc. My husband is also serving that purpose (as is his family, who also know about the abuse and are saying they are so proud of me for having the strength to break away) but it's nice to have this place too because right now I just about feel like I need 24/7 support.
I'm honestly a bit frightened for my safety right now. My sister has been violent with me when I was a child, so I know she has no respect for the boundary of not harming me physically. In other words, in her mind, any measures or any harm to me, are just fine as long as she gets what she wants - control of me and to prevent me from leaving the family system.
She's obviously not respecting my request to be left alone, and is violating my boundaries that way. I'm hoping she will eventually give up but right now, things are pretty scary and I'm feeling very threatened.
This is what REAL family is! Funny thing, as soon as I deactivated facebook and did the AOL thing (limiting access to me) my Aunt called. Now, I love her very much and she was one of the few sources of kindness in my childhood. But she's a big supporter of my sister and my sister seems to have put on such a good act around her, that she'd never believe that my sister could ever be abusive. At least that's what I think. (For instance, my sister isn't doing too well as a pastor, because...well, because she's mean to people and they leave her church. So my Aunt suggested I go out and get a job to send the money I make to my sister. Like a codependent thing, you know?)
So I don't know for sure but if I had to guess, I would think the timing of the phone call meant it was my sister trying to use that avenue to retain control of me.
I wrote to my husband and we agreed, we aren't going to pick up any calls that have phone numbers originating in Montana. Just let the answering machine get it. That's part of the rules for getting away from abusive people when they are trying to retain control over you and keep you in their clutches.
Anyway, I figure, it's going to be a big drama here in my life for awhile as various avenues to retain control of me are tried, and as I insist on my freedom.
Thanks Mike and Frances for saying it's okay to post. Thanks so much Mike too for being a moderator and keeping this place safe!
Right now I'm really desperate to have a safe place to come to vent, to receive encouragement, to have my reality validated, etc. My husband is also serving that purpose (as is his family, who also know about the abuse and are saying they are so proud of me for having the strength to break away) but it's nice to have this place too because right now I just about feel like I need 24/7 support.
I'm honestly a bit frightened for my safety right now. My sister has been violent with me when I was a child, so I know she has no respect for the boundary of not harming me physically. In other words, in her mind, any measures or any harm to me, are just fine as long as she gets what she wants - control of me and to prevent me from leaving the family system.
She's obviously not respecting my request to be left alone, and is violating my boundaries that way. I'm hoping she will eventually give up but right now, things are pretty scary and I'm feeling very threatened.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
So my Aunt suggested I go out and get a job to send the money I make to my sister. Like a codependent thing, you know
This goes beyond co-dependent, the only thing left is to just shave your head, put on a white robe and give all your worldly goods to someone who will torture you to keep you in line.
I'm hoping she will eventually give up but right now, things are pretty scary and I'm feeling very threatened.
No more calls from Montana. On my Comcast telephone, I can block calls. Maybe talk to your provider to see if you can do this. Say Montana area code is (111) you could put in
the block calls (111) * the asterisk means all numbers. Maybe you have to use 7 asterisks, but it can be done.
I am wishing a serene and peaceful time for you. Thank the HP for your supportive and wonderful husband and family.
this is for you :ghug3
Beth
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I would go so far as to change my number and have in the past. It's best thing ever. Give it to those you need to and tell them to NOT pass it on to anyone without your explicit permission. If they do change it again.
Getting a second line is something I've done too. Then don't give out that number.
Blocking is a good answer too if it is available.
Also just saying "I'm sorry I'm not going to discuss this any further, goodbye." and then hang up on them works great. Then leave the phone off and don't allow them to even get to messaging.
Can you tell I've had a lot of experience with phone nuisances?
On what planet does you Aunt live that she expects you to give money to anyone let alone your sister. Odd. I hope you can see just how bizarre that is.
Get a restraining order if you have to for your sister. Sounds like she is in Montanna you are in another state so how would she get to you?
I was on staff at a large metropolitan church for many years and I understand how the pastors can be mean when people leave. Some are very controlling. But it's not right and it's certainly not God...
Getting a second line is something I've done too. Then don't give out that number.
Blocking is a good answer too if it is available.
Also just saying "I'm sorry I'm not going to discuss this any further, goodbye." and then hang up on them works great. Then leave the phone off and don't allow them to even get to messaging.
Can you tell I've had a lot of experience with phone nuisances?
On what planet does you Aunt live that she expects you to give money to anyone let alone your sister. Odd. I hope you can see just how bizarre that is.
Get a restraining order if you have to for your sister. Sounds like she is in Montanna you are in another state so how would she get to you?
I was on staff at a large metropolitan church for many years and I understand how the pastors can be mean when people leave. Some are very controlling. But it's not right and it's certainly not God...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by ACOAHappyNow
(For instance, my sister isn't doing too well as a pastor, because...well, because she's mean to people and they leave her church. So my Aunt suggested I go out and get a job to send the money I make to my sister. Like a codependent thing, you know?)
I'm in the don't-answer-the-phone, block-their-number, change-your-number camp. If a piece of mail arrives from them, straight in the shredder.
When my Dad used to try to pull me in, I figured out that he couldn't do it if I let go of the rope. There really is no reasoning with these people.
But really, now -- you are expected to go out and get a job and send the paycheck to your sister? That is in the "we can't make this stuff up" category!
T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
Thank you, Kialua! Well, I think I'm just being overly paranoid. She's 2,000 miles away and it's probably not a realistic fear that she would drive here to try to do harm to me. It's just leftover fears from my childhood when she used to physically abuse me. It's just my inner child being afraid. Thanks for talking me down from my fears! It really isn't realistic to think she would go to that much effort to harm me.
I'm figuring it will be limited to turning others against me and trying to use them as pawns, and perhaps letters or phone calls. And the letters and phone calls - easy enough to avoid. I have to stay resolute. Even if it ends up my entire bio family, extended family I mean, seeing me as the bad guy, I'm still better off than if I allow my sister back into my life.
Boy is she ever in the wrong field, absolutely. They wouldn't let her in the seminary at first but she learned what answers she needed to give to look right and she got in. Right now she is at the stage where no other churches want her (she's tried to go to dozens of them to take over and she's been rejected every time), her bosses think badly of her (church heirarchy), and her own church is cutting her pay and benefits. Right now she is down to 1/2 and hanging on by her fingernails and fighting for her life. And getting into fights with other church leaders she feels are stealing her congregation from her. Nothing is ever her fault though. In her mind she is the perfect pastor. She would make a good totalitarian dictator, but that personality type isn't a good fit for the work of a pastor.
Well, abusive people have a lot of troubles in their lives with relationships with people, that's the truth of the matter.
I'm figuring it will be limited to turning others against me and trying to use them as pawns, and perhaps letters or phone calls. And the letters and phone calls - easy enough to avoid. I have to stay resolute. Even if it ends up my entire bio family, extended family I mean, seeing me as the bad guy, I'm still better off than if I allow my sister back into my life.
Boy is she ever in the wrong field, absolutely. They wouldn't let her in the seminary at first but she learned what answers she needed to give to look right and she got in. Right now she is at the stage where no other churches want her (she's tried to go to dozens of them to take over and she's been rejected every time), her bosses think badly of her (church heirarchy), and her own church is cutting her pay and benefits. Right now she is down to 1/2 and hanging on by her fingernails and fighting for her life. And getting into fights with other church leaders she feels are stealing her congregation from her. Nothing is ever her fault though. In her mind she is the perfect pastor. She would make a good totalitarian dictator, but that personality type isn't a good fit for the work of a pastor.
Well, abusive people have a lot of troubles in their lives with relationships with people, that's the truth of the matter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
Thank you Tromboneliness for validating my reality. I thought it was kind of odd too, and to me it felt like she was saying I didn't matter, only my sister mattered, which was hurtful to me.
It helps so much to see these things through your eyes. It really makes me believe more in my own perceptions instead of doubting myself and second-guessing.
Thanks you guys! I plan on having a wonderful weekend, enjoying the sunshine, some yummy food, and my kitties. And trying to not let my FOO take up any space in my mind, at least not for a few hours here or there!
It helps so much to see these things through your eyes. It really makes me believe more in my own perceptions instead of doubting myself and second-guessing.
Thanks you guys! I plan on having a wonderful weekend, enjoying the sunshine, some yummy food, and my kitties. And trying to not let my FOO take up any space in my mind, at least not for a few hours here or there!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: -
Posts: 118
I'm the youngest scapegoat too.
You are not alone. ((hugs))
My Dad wanted me to pick out something for my abusive sister from ebay because he feels guilty that she has health problems. I finally stood up for myself and told him no. He's abusive too and likes to play that triangle thing where he plays one of us against the other.
I really empathize with the no contact as it seems contact brings me nothing but pain.
Thank you for sharing and thanks for letting me share!
You are not alone. ((hugs))
My Dad wanted me to pick out something for my abusive sister from ebay because he feels guilty that she has health problems. I finally stood up for myself and told him no. He's abusive too and likes to play that triangle thing where he plays one of us against the other.
I really empathize with the no contact as it seems contact brings me nothing but pain.
Thank you for sharing and thanks for letting me share!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
Thank you Cymbal. Good for you for being brave and strong enough to stand up for yourself, and for being able to see the reality of the situation when others tried so hard to control and confuse you! You did good! I hope I can stay strong and stay on a healthy path for me, like the other people all helping me on this thread! I sure do appreciate everyone posting, I read and re-read every post so many times and it's like a life line for me right now.
I hope I can stay strong and stay on a healthy path for me, like the other people all helping me on this thread! I sure do appreciate everyone posting, I read and re-read every post so many times and it's like a life line for me right now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,826
Smiling here at how we can validate "That's Just Not Right" stuff for each other. I know I "Guess at what normal is" so it's a lovely thing when we can safely share things and have sane reflection from people who understand where we're coming from.
ACOA, wanted to chime in about you being scared and feeling threatened nervous for your personal physical safety even though these people are far away and can't hurt you. I understand that fear. I think it's brave and smart and healing to get those fears out in the light of day. As kids, we didn't have anybody to protect us.
For me, it's sounds natural that my Inner Child would still be worried about being attacked. For me, it's healing when I "tell"/share these fears, so my Adult Self and people I trust can help me come up with adult, sane, real conclusions and solutions. If I don't share, then the kid inside me doesn't get help.
I might also practice in my mind what I would do if someone showed up on my doorstep, so that I'm prepared and practiced to say, "No. You can't come in. Go away." That is completely reasonable in my opinion and a valid adult choice. We don't have to open our doors if we don't want to. Period.
When I was a kid, I was ruled by confusion and "shoulds." Now I'm an adult and I can do what feels best for me at that moment and for my ongoing continuing health and happiness.
Just because someone else is drowning/failing/upset/drove a long way doesn't mean I have to throw myself in with them or open my home to them, _even if they are bio family_.
Great practical ideas on this thread.
ACOA, wanted to chime in about you being scared and feeling threatened nervous for your personal physical safety even though these people are far away and can't hurt you. I understand that fear. I think it's brave and smart and healing to get those fears out in the light of day. As kids, we didn't have anybody to protect us.
For me, it's sounds natural that my Inner Child would still be worried about being attacked. For me, it's healing when I "tell"/share these fears, so my Adult Self and people I trust can help me come up with adult, sane, real conclusions and solutions. If I don't share, then the kid inside me doesn't get help.
I might also practice in my mind what I would do if someone showed up on my doorstep, so that I'm prepared and practiced to say, "No. You can't come in. Go away." That is completely reasonable in my opinion and a valid adult choice. We don't have to open our doors if we don't want to. Period.
When I was a kid, I was ruled by confusion and "shoulds." Now I'm an adult and I can do what feels best for me at that moment and for my ongoing continuing health and happiness.
Just because someone else is drowning/failing/upset/drove a long way doesn't mean I have to throw myself in with them or open my home to them, _even if they are bio family_.
Great practical ideas on this thread.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
