AdrenalineJunki

I grew up with a alcoholic father. He was never abusive or anything, however it was really unpleasant to live with him.
His favorite thing in the world to do? Just sit in front of tv and drink. He love doing it so much that he's willing to make his family suffer just so he can do this everyday. He rarely work and if he do, it is just until he qualify for unemployment payment.
When he's home, everybody know it is going to be a unpleasant day. He spend most of his free time watching tv and drinking. He only give his family attention if and when he want to. If anybody interrupt him at any time, things get really bad. He'd yell, freak out, intimidate everybody, and list goes on.

Eventually my parents divorce when I was in early teenage. When I was in late teen, he got hit by a car. About 5 years later he died due to health problem from drinking.


I'm 28 years old now. I've always have a tough time around people. It seems like everybody love alcohol. So I hold onto those who don't drink very closely and tightly!
I cannot even stand being in bar or club at all. I don't even go to party at all. I also am quick to cut people out of my life if I suspect they drink too much.
I also am very good at switch my feeling off when I need to. I can treat someone as my most dear friend ever then next minute tell them to get lost and walk away without looking back.
This always end up eat away at me so much that I start to go out and seek adrenaline rush because it is what erase the pain. It has got much worse over years. I am at the point where I could be in situation that most would freak out in and my pulse wouldn't even rise at all. Like one time I was in car with few friends when it crash... The car eventually caught on fire, I just calmly sat and make sure everybody get out then I walk out and laughed about it while everybody else was shaken up badly.

Few weeks ago I met this girl but I didn't paid much attention to her until she told me she don't drink much and don't like to be around others who drink. This was almost like a god sent gift to me.
That's when we start to really talk which was bit more than a week ago. Last Friday, she went out to bar and got drunk. I was rather annoyed but decide to let it slip.
Two days later she did the same thing again! So I confronted her about it and she claim that she just need to let herself go because of stresses in her life. I thought "ok... I'll just watch her closely"
Four out of five weekdays this week, she have at least a can of beer. I again confronted her about it. She claim that she just need to relax because she's off school for a while. I start to think this isn't good.
Yesterday she went out and party until 4 in the am then drunk text me. I was really pissed but I kept my cool. She eventually asked me to come to her place so I did. I got to her place, not 10 minutes later, she got a text and totally freaked out and ran into her room for a few minutes. She did this repeatedly then she finally hustled me out of her place and locked door and refuse to talk to me.
This morning I saw she was on FB so I confornted her about this. She tried to avoid answering questions and claim nothing happened. So I tear her a new one and told her I'm done with her and deleted her.

Now this make me wonder... Am I the one who actually have a problem? I really DON'T like it when people drink at all! I can meet someone 10 years ago and see the person only two or three times then not see them for years and still remember exactly how much they had drink and how they act.
I also quickly cut guys out of my life if I think they enjoy their alcohol too much or spend too much times in bar, because of this I have almost no male friends. I tend to get along with females better but I have cut many of them out of my life for the very same reason.

This even affect my dating life because I have tell girls to get lost when I find out they drink.

Irony? I smoke hookah, cigar, and tobacco pipe! But I have never had any problem cut them out if asked to.

So... do I have a problem? Or was I right that this girl is actually heading down path to become a alcoholic?

scrambled2012

Hi AJ,

considering you are looking carefully at those you would have close relationships with, I wouldn't call that a problem, I would call that smart. We have a right to be selective in our intimate relationships, ya know?

I would also consider your reactions to being raised in an alcoholic home not only understandable, but perhaps on the postive side...better then repeating the habit, anyway.

There are plenty of individuals, end even entire religious organizations, that hold to the notion of zero drinking. There are a lot of people, places, and activites where you would feel right at home.

The only thing I would suggest to you, my two cents, is that you understand that in this big crazy world of ours not everybody is going to hold to these same beliefs, but that doesn't make them bad people or unacceptable citizens. It might make them unacceptable intimate friends or partners, which is OK, but not unacceptable citizens or neighbors. Its important, I think, to prevent yourself from seeing the world in a black&white way
(overly judgemental). I"m not saying you currently are this way, not at all, but as you navigate the social circles of those who don't accept drinking at all, be advised that some of them, just like some in every social circle, are out of thier freaking minds and a little too quick to paint simplistic pictures of reality.

By same token, you probably realize that good citizens, such as police officers, doctors, shrinks, teachers, etc., some of them will be users of alcohol. Its important to see the complexities of the individual, even as you rightly recognize those traits that would make a person unsutable to you for a deeper personal relationship.

regards,

AdrenalineJunki

Thanks Scrambled! I cannot really pinpoint who exactly I have in my life beside my mom and sister who I'm very close to. I do have my kickboxing/MMA team but... it is a very competitive sport, so people tend to stay in for only a year or two then get out because they cannot take it. I have been in for 10 years and am seriously starting to think about planning a exit strategy for next two or three years and my coach even have to lighten my training load because I am just so torn up. So yeah... People basically come and go in my life and I am quick to cut them off for almost any reasons.

Yes I do have a very serious fear of repeating the habit. It is so bad that I cannot even stand to keep any alcohol in my home and even made it clear to anybody who come over that if they bring ANY alcohol, they would be ask to leave right away!

I'm rather weird about social I try to be around people and even desire it, but like as I say... I'm quick to cut people out of my life. I also always make sure I'm more than self sufficient to point where I don't even really ask anybody for help and would rarely take any help offered.

I know not all drinkers are bad... But I just feel like they can suddenly change who they are in a split second. I just feel like those people cannot be reasoned with at all. I'd even leave even closest friend to die if they're drunk at the time.
So I just never really trust anybody who drink and always have very serious doubt about them no matter how good of a person they are.
I hate it! But I just feel like if someone drink and something go wrong then it is all their fault. They could be drunk and step out of a bar and get mugged or raped or whatever and I'd put whole blame on them and their drinking. I don't like it at all, but... I just grew up living in fear that my dad would just snap if I walk up to him and try to hug him or tell him I love him or whatever. So when he went through horrible time, I just think "you put whole family through years of horrible time. So now you can reap what you sow" even when he's totally heart broke, lonely, really sick, and dying.

It really pain me, but that's how I am. It bothers me to great deal.

scrambled2012

I think I can identify with quite a bit of what your saying.

I'm rather weird about social I try to be around people and even desire it, but like as I say... I'm quick to cut people out of my life. I also always make sure I'm more than self sufficient to point where I don't even really ask anybody for help and would rarely take any help offered.

Big time. It's interesting to consider the training of childhood on this tendency.

I wonder if internalized anger at the generalized anxiety your pop produced contributes to your approach towards the world. The data fits.

You yourself recognize the irrationality of, say, blaiming a rape or murder victim if that person had just stepped out of a bar. It is good you recognize it. You are aware of your emotional responce, probably coming from the behavioral conditioning of your upbringing, verses the rational responce, which knows the murderer or rapist is the one who is evil.

Hope I don't make things worse for you with this thought--don't trust people in general, drinkers or not--without sufficent data. Any person, or way too many anyway, can change on a dime. Its a big world and a lot of people are no more then preditors. A flip side is that there are a lot of innocent folks who need protection from this jungle. You sound like a good man. I think you're going to end up OK in this life.

micealc

AdrenalineJunki ,you seem to be like I was when I was young.
I swore I would never drink like my father did...it lasted until I was 25.
Then....I started to drink....and Boy did I give out to myself for leaving
it till now.
I could not believe how it made me feel.....I could be like Everyone else,Happy.


To make a Long story Short....This lasted 25 years...Hospitalisations,Broken relationships,Loss of Jobs.....My life was a waste.

Moving on....my story is Printed in the Story section.

Im Sober and Clean now 25 years....Married 25 years..." children...Growen up.

I wish I had found ACA when I was younger...But Im grateful for what I have today.


A paragraph from the Problem of ACA, Reads...............



These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us ‘co-victims’, those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults.


Make up your own mind about your situation....be honest with yourself.
You May Be Para Alcoholic.... ie,take on the characteristics of the Disease
without nessarally ever taking a drink.
Good Luck to you>

Kialua

I don't socialize with drinker either. Don't go to bars or nightclubs, can't handle it at all. I've had a fine life without it. I too, cut people out and have a tight reign on my emotions. It's just how I have navigated life.

I think it's wise to not date someone that drinks if you don't want to. It's not much fun to be around if one isn't imbibing.

That said, forgiving our guilty parents is essential to our emotional health. Did my best to make sure my parents were ok when I could.