cherylxxx2

Hi..

I have just been sitting here thinking about my life and how my future will be..
Im 22, living at home and Im the daughter of an alcoholic mother.

Anyway my question is to all Adult children of alcoholic parents, how did your life play out for you's? Did any of you become an addict to alcohol or drugs?

Do you have behaviour issues?
Relationship problems?
Trust problems?
Any problem due to the fact that you are the adult child of an alcoholic..

dollydo

Overall, I think I turned out ok. I would be even better if my mother were not still alive and drinking at age 86.

I am not an alcoholic
I am not a drug addict

I am codependent

I have made bad relationship decisions
I have had anger issues

My codependency is pretty well overcome. My anger only flairs at my mother, she is so mean and nasty that I still find myself reacting...trying to defend myself. Rationally I know that it is a waste of time, still need to overcome this fault.

Relationships? Now live alone and am so very happy and at peace, I have a bad picker, never had any good role models.

langkah

I couldn't put a finger on my problems for a very long time, and would get drunk and wonder who it was that had injured me emotionally so deeply. In therapy solutions were talked about to heal my sensitivities and I'd get drunk and think about them sometimes. While getting drunk I'd often become sure the problem was likely that I'd not been rolled in the crib often by my alcoholic mother.

In my mid 20s it got hard to drink often because the authorities were involved by then, but I did what I could get away with, knowing this too was none of my doing or choosing.

I got sober at 28 and came to a different understanding regarding who was actually responsible for how things were and how I was to that point in my life. And exactly who needed to do things to alter that course. 30 years later I'm certain about the answers to those questions.

If you're creating problems for yourself that are having damaging effects on your life then there's one individual who can alter that by finding and adopting a way to meet life differently. It's a little late to hope our mamas will ever come through and make things better for us, and doing the same things to continually damage ourselves will only extend our unhappiness, even if we shift the blame for our current actions to the long dead, and find people to buy that as so. Cheap, easy, but useless as an answer because until we change ourselves we'll produce new harms and dissatisfactions continually, and there may not always be people available to tell us those things should be blamed on people who have nothing to do with our actions.

DavidG

Hello Cheryl,

My name is David, grateful ACA... I am 61 years young... I have learned to laugh and to enjoy life... I had access to alcohol and drugs but they did not hook me.

The last four questions- yes... I grew up with hopes and dreams... no-one else to share them with. Because of my situation I found it hard to realise my dreams...

...by mixing with other adult children I can do both- share my ESH [experience strength and hope] and also realise some of my dreams.

I have lovely children and marvelous grandchildren. I also have a good marriage now because i stepped out and made a difference...

take care,
odat,

DavidG.
New Zealand.

Kialua

how did your life play out for you's?

Did any of you become an addict to alcohol or drugs?

I was a serious drinker through high school, see my blog. Quit in 12th grade. Odd though because I hated what drinking did to my Dad. But it is said you become one, or marry one. I became one for 4 years. Haven't had a drink since 12th grade. No drugs.

Do you have behaviour issues?

I have a fear of authority so it lead me to start my own business which did pretty well.

Relationship problems?

I do find it hard to make friends but have several life long friends. One husband of many years.

Trust problems?

While I am leery of people I pretty much take them at their word and leave it up to God if they are not honest with me.

Any problem due to the fact that you are the adult child of an alcoholic..

I seemed to be easy prey for my male bosses which again led me to start my own business.

I really relied on church and God to help shape my beliefs and trusts that I didn't learn at home. It helped a lot. I still have tendencies or leftovers that pop up now and then. Nothing that derails my life but just things to be aware of. Like normal noises that startle me to no end.

KuanYin

Hi Cheryl: When I was about your age I happen upon a book quite by accident, I think the name of it is "Making Peace with your Past", that helped me gain insight probably more than all the years of counseling I eventually went to and everything else. To answer your questions, No I never became addicted to either alcohol or drugs. I was the firstborn female, and way too responsible I suppose. Needed to be in control, so codependency, yes, which of course let to relationship problems. I didn't exactly have trust issues because I figured I could "fix" everyone around around me And then one of my children turned out to be an addict, even though neither his father or myself ever drank or used. I think that gene skipped a generation from my father to my son. Don't know for sure if it works that way or not, but during my AS's years of addiction - while I remained under the same roof - it was just like being a little kid again myself and living at home with my addict father.

As far as problems due to the fact that I was the child of an addict/alcoholic, I think all lives are affected by various sorts of difficulties and challenges, and we can use these hardships that we survived to make us stronger, not cripple us.

Kialua

That is really so true, I agree with that. It does makes us stronger so hang in there Cheryl.

EveningRose

Hi, Cheryl,

Like Dolly, I'd say I turned out okay but could be doing better if...

I have never been a drinker. I've never touched drugs, not so much as a puff of marijuana. I've never smoked a cigarette.

Relationships--well, I'm now divorced due to xh's infidelity, lies, mind games, and emotional abuse. I wonder, had I grown up with a different father, would I have seen through his charm before I married him? I think I might have, but I'll never know. I can easily see how he looked really, really good compared to what I grew up with. I can see how I was too quick to give him the benefit of the doubt and too quick to blame myself, and how that was a direct result of years of growing up with hearing that kind of stuff from my parents--'well, look at yourself, what did you do to make so and so do that?'

I feel very strongly that my dysfunctional upbringing all but groomed me for marrying a guy like him.

Like Kialua, I have a fear of authority. My insides still curl up every time my boss calls, even though I've been working for her for almost 8 years now and she not only never calls to complain, she calls to offer me better jobs and the students nobody else can handle because she believes I can. She raves about me to people all the time. Yet this is how I react when my kids tell me she's on the phone. It was a few years ago I learned that was typical of adult children.

Many parts of my life have been good. I credit that to having a talent/passion that carried me through, gave me a goal, gave me some sense of self worth and accomplishment. I also credit it to reading many, many self help books throughout my high school, college, and young adult years that showed me better ways of dealing with people, better ways of seeing things, etc. So, in short, I've been working on myself for decades, taking charge of my life.

I credit my faith and my decisions to live with integrity and honesty and take the high road, no matter what anyone around me is doing.

Willybluedog

Hi Cheryl,

I just turned 50 about a month ago and I am back in long term therapy for the second time, my mother has been drinking between 3 & 6 bottles of wine a day for 40+ years, my father has enabled her the whole time, to call her a shrew be an insult to shrews.

I have a hard time breaking out the ACOA issues from the rest of the pie, I was severely physically and verbally abused by both my parents, I was sexually abused by a stranger at 8 and groomed for abuse by an older cousin for many many years, I was bullied terribly in school, walked around thinking about committing suicide daily for many years.

I found some relief in college through drugs and binge drinking but walked away from alcohol and drugs and never looked back, just decided to stop one day and did.

I have had massive anger problems all my life, the first relief I ever had was when my psychiatrist put me on Prozac fro depression at 33.

OMG, it was like walking into the sunshine for the first time ever! I finally found some relief from the oppression, fear and anger.

Five years ago I nearly died in a car accident, I believe with all my heart that God intervened to save me, I should have bled to death but did not. I have swore an oath to live a better life, even though I am busted up I do everything I can to make the most of each day and help others.

ACOA issues have ruled my life, mainly because I never knew where to go for help, my first therapist did not recognize the problem in the 80's or I might have solved it back then.

You are young, you have found us, you are asking questions, you are seeking support, I am so very proud of you!

This is a wonderful place, the people here have been through so much, yet they come here to help, to share, to grow.

I can say things here that people don't understand anywhere else, when I first stumbled in here I knew I was home for the first time in my life, I was finally with my own kind.

My wife is an angel of epic proportions, she is a nurse, a mother, a mentor for nursing students, an excellent friend to so many, when I talk about ACOA issues she is empathetic but just cannot relate, her parents never drank, never beat her, never raised their voices, how could she even begin to fathom my life. Everyone understands here.

I have been rambling along, I hope you can get something from all of my babble, once again, I am glad you are here!

Big hugs,

Bill

tromboneliness

I have most of the Laundry List traits -- afraid of authority figures, seek approval, low self-esteem, etc. I married an alcoholic (when we met, she was very ill, but she went to treatment, got sober and healthy, and has been doing well since then, by which I mean 1996). I have a lot of trust issues -- basically, my default setting is not to trust people.

I've been going through the ACA Workbook (highly recommended!) with a sponsor. When I did my 4/5th step, he identified two major traits: (1) I tend to abandon my own success -- when I get good at something, I do it for awhile, then give it up and move on to something else; (2) I feel that I don't count -- my feelings don't count, my wants/needs don't count, my opinions don't count, my achievements don't count. I don't count.

Just being aware of these two basic traits has been very helpful -- I see myself doing them, and am starting to... catch myself and not do it anymore. This takes time.

Overall, I sort of feel that I'm not as "far along" as I expected to be by this age (48). I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

T

bskeys1404

I became an alcoholic and a drug addict. I really don't like seperating the two . Alcohol kills more people thanALL OTHER DRUGS COMBINED. ALCOHOL IS A DRUG. I also became a grateful so far 6 year recovered alcoholic. I am also a three time world record holder bench presser and currently ranked second in the world. My father is a 70 something year old binge drinker and my mother...I don't know I think she's just freaking crazy. I have a beautiful home . I married the woman of my dreams. I have a crazy Labradoodle named Rory who's our little boy. I came to Florida six years ago homeless penniless and everything I owned in a backpack and one friend. I also arrived with a 104.5 temperature on a 28 hour bus ride and spent my first 6 days in a hospital with dysentery. So I've came a long way after 17 years of drug addiction.

Chris1000101

Hello Cheryl,

Funny thing this comes up . . . I’ve been reviewing portions of my life for a couple of months now. By the time I was 11, I was in my fifth or sixth foster home. Doesn’t sound like a big deal for today but in the late 70’s foster homes was not that well known. So I’m viewing this from what was and what is.

Do you have behavior issues?

I use to have some serious issues, I won’t go into detail but I’ll share my first police report was at 10 1/2 for stealing the foster families car and running away. Today, after many years of therapy and 12 step programs, behavior issues are managed.

Relationship problems?

I know I use to, I had no idea how to act within a semi healthy home. Chaos was normal for me and I had to create it just to feel comfortable. It’s been many years and apparently I still do, just not as severe. I’ve been divorced for a year and a half now after a 13 year marriage.

Trust problems?

I use to big time; don’t talk, don’t trust and I’ll be darn if I’m going to feel. As long as I stuck with therapy and the 12 step programs, things appeared to be going well. I got complacent and thought I could do it on my own; it didn’t work out to well. Though my divorce has been some time ago it did resurface old memories. One of the first, and strongest, was of my biological alcoholic parents divorce; I can remember my mother pointing her finger at me and shouting, “I Hate Men.” I know that not all women are like that but I’m cautious of female relationships; friends are okay but let’s leave it there.

Any problem due to the fact that you are the adult child of an alcoholic.

Maybe a couple For me therapy, 12 step programs and self-help books have been a blessing.

LotusBlossom

Did any of you become an addict to alcohol or drugs?

I have been sober from alcohol for going on 15 months here soon. I started drinking every day at the age of 16. My mother and I drank together. I have been sober now for nearly 15 months. I'm very happy and I am so glad to be free of addiction but know that without continued reminder of how bad my addiction was from others, there is always danger that it will bite me again.

Relationship problems?
Only in that my marriage failed. We were both enabling each other's alcohol addiction.

Trust problems?
I trust too easily. I am naive. I still somehow believe that everyone is good at heart and there is good in the world. After all I've been through...I'm still this innocent at times.

Any problem due to the fact that you are the adult child of an alcoholic?

I still somehow hobbled my way through high school and finished 8th out of 208 in one of the top public schools in Kentucky. I was on full scholarship in college and got a Chemistry and Psychology degree. I worked through college too and managed to finish (lol it censored this...xD) Laude. Well you know what I'm referring to. This entire time I was drinking every night anywhere from 6-12 beers. I'd go to class still drunk or hungover. I don't know how I did it. I don't know how I didn't kill myself in labs or other students...it really was a miracle.

However, all of this was to overcompensate for the fact that deep down...I ended up a very insecure person who didn't know where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do or up from down. So, I just overdid EVERYTHING. Anything I did I had to excel at and be the best at. I had to pick the hard road. Of course, alcohol ruled my life. I just went through the motions. I shut off contact from my mom. I knew deep down what she enabled me to do with alcohol was wrong and I didn't like it and separated myself from her because of it.

Now that I am sober, I know that she is sick herself. She grew up in not an alcoholic family where people were alcoholics but an alcoholic family where feelings weren't talked about, etc. that sort of thing. My mom had an older sister die shortly after she was born and as a result she was always treated poorly. Now I try and treat her with as much compassion as I can and when I know my patience is wearing thin, I separate myself just temporarily. I explained to her why and she understands and respects this.

The real problems I have are with authority figures. I was severely abused by my father growing up and as a result I have problems standing up for myself with authority figures now (bosses, etc). You shut up and tell them what they want to hear even if it means lying. I got to the point that I was lying about nearly everything to everyone just to make anyone happy. Granted, this was also fueled by the alcoholism as well. I have to consciously think now when I get the lie forming in my head (it's an automatic defensive mechanism) "Stop. Why are you doing that? There's no need." So it's a work in progress, but there is progress.

cherylxxx2

Thank yo everyone that has shared their experience with me.
I can relate to some of you in the feelings you have went through and still go through.
Im so happy i have found this website and know that i am NOT the only one is going through this and these feelings.

Thanks again.
Big Hugs to all