TonyUK

Hi All,

This is long but, I have never told anyone this story. Even my wife only know the one sentence version.

My mum was an alcoholic for all of my chid life after my dad left when I was about 3 years old. I lived a lot at my grandmas when I was young and I have many a memory of suicide, drunken states, watching her cry, drunken ramblings etc. I gained a step father when I was about 10. My mum carried on drinking and they would argue terribly. I also was subject to mental abuse from both of them, that continued until I left home when I was early twenties.

From a really young age I disassociated myself from both of them so I would stay out every evening until bed time and at weekends (with my friends though I never told them anything). I did not want to be in the house especially when they were drinking. I felt they never made an effort to engage me, support me or just be nice. There are no family pictures of us having a good time together. I was always told I am rubbish. I would never come to any good. I would depend my life living on my wits. I am a con-man and would need to make a living that way. I don't deserve anything nice.

These comments would be told to me daily along with aggressive mind games.

The issue is I have now left home and my parents think I am weird and strange. I still speak to them but i cannot find it in me to be happy around them , like I can't tell them a joke or how my day went, kinda thing. Conversation is awkward and I am sure they think I am the one with the problem.

Truth is; they were abusers and just can't see it.

When I cast my mind back I have no memory of being a child. I have wiped it all away. I also feel they (parents) are the most abusive people ever and have been subject me to a real ordeal.

After I left school I actually became successful and now have more than my parents, who are a little surprised. I got all of this without their help. Help that I really needed and was refused.

I did have lots of friends and now at the age of 37, I prefer to not see anyone as I really can't do with another situation, I defo have trust issues. I do see a select few people and am married with child. I am fit and well and stable in the mind.

I just get very frustrated that these people now come to my house and treat me like I am this personality-less weirdo- which it is what it looks like as I am just replying ' yes and no'. And thats because they mentally beat the **** out of me. I look at my own little boy and question the situations I was put through. How could someone do those things,

I won't confront this with them - as this is not up to me to apologise. Why should the victim as the aggressor for forgiveness? Thats exactly what it feels like.

I have been though the mill and am in a position to help other people with advice. And gladly will.

Thanks for reading.

Kialua

Welcome. No they don't deserve your forgiveness...but you do. We don't forgive so they can feel better we forgive for our own sanity. There is a great post about it here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ve-her-no.html
Basically just because we are forgiving doesn't mean we are saying they never did anything wrong. They are still responsible for what they did. But it helps you get on with life. It's the hardest thing I ever did and did with feet dragging and crying all the way. But surprisingly it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, as it did to me. You didn't deserve it and they were wrong. We had the similar attitudes from our parents, will be no good, you are bad, messages. But we mostly have all turned out overachieving probably just to show them! ha ha. When my alcoholic Dad was in lock up treatment at 80, the counselor said he had never seen a family grow up so well from all the abuse we endured. But he was also used to treating much younger men and not knowing the full result of such a life.

TonyUK

Thanks so much.....


I have only found out what an adult child of alcoholic is - tonight.
I have all the characteristics. Kinda glad this has a names as before today I just thought I am damaged.



Thanks

Kialua

You're welcome. It is a relief to realize you aren't alone isn't it? You aren't damaged, you have been put through hell against your will. You can recover and excel emotionally. No one is perfect. Don't be hard on yourself. Others may not have gone through what we have but they have their own foibles. I'm glad you found us. Please read as much as you can, especially the sticky messages above.

dollydo

I do understand, my mother is an abusive alcoholic, 86 and still thown em down the old hatch. My childhood was a nightmare and my adult life with her has been constant turmoil..I don't like the woman....it's real difficult to play nicey, nice with her...she says my brother and I are just no fun...we don't party enough...ahh...no, we have responsibilities and life is not all ha, ha and booze.

Sounds like you have carved a good life out for yourself, don't let your parents pull you down, go about your business, if they have a problem with your personality...it is their problem...not yours.

My best...