EveningRose

I mentioned in another post getting some bad reviews online. I know one of them was from a former friend who is being vindictive (no, I didn't do anything to her; rather I caught her up to no good, and the friendship ended, with no ugly words or scenes, but ended.) Most of my reviews are very, very good. But the few bad ones are absolutely debilitating me right now, and I'm not sure if it's the last straw on top of all the other stress of the last 7 years and especially of the last month when my child has been in the hospital--especially knowing one of the reviews is pure vindictiveness and a personal attack, and wondering if any of the other bad ones are also her or my xh.

Or if this is pretty much to be expected as an ACOA, that I would react so badly to anything less than positive.

Up until about 5 days ago, I was coping fine, reminding myself not everyone loves everything and that's okay. But lately, it's gotten nearly debilitating, worrying about it, to the point I'm considering going back to therapy or to al-anon, but I'm dreading the time that would take, as I'm usually busy with home, kids, errands, and 2 jobs about 16 hours a day as it is.

So I would love any words of wisdom here on coping with this and overcoming these two issues in particular, quoted above.

kudzujean

What really helped me, especially with "Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy," was Al Anon. I had been to Al Anon for years, and I finally got to where I could stop talking to myself in my head so judgmentally and critically.

I used to think of something I did or said that was silly, inappropriate, unwise, whatever, and I'd think, "What a fool I was." Nowadays I think, "I was doing the best I could." Which I usually was, with the lack of tools, resources, and supportive people that I had at the time.

Sometimes I think it like this: "You.were.doing.the.best.you.could." (That's if I need the emphasis. :-)

It didn't come easy, but with practice it becomes easier. I realize you said your time was quite limited, and you didn't know if you had time for Al Anon, but anyway, that was my experience.

frances2011

EveningRose--I'm glad you posted and I hope your child is doing better. (Sorry if I missed an update on another thread.)

Here is a tool that helps me out of the relentless Black & White Merciless Judging.

It is called: Even Though/Nevertheless/My Intention:

Here is an example:

Even though....[the "bad" thing that happened or that I did]
Nevertheless...[a positive objective factual truth]
My intention is...[a positive action I can take to move forward]

Even though....I forgot to call in to the client conference call because I was on Facebook and didn't check my appointment book {lazy! disorganized! career-ending!}

Nevertheless....I dialed in the second I remembered and gave the rest of the presentation my full attention. No one noticed I missed the first 10 minutes.

My intention is....to look at my appointment book every morning and use a kitchen timer to remind me of when appointments are about to start

****

For Constant Approval Seeking, a tool that helps me is to cultivate and visualize my Inner Grownup Who Loves and Supports Me. Before I begin, I notice my Inner Critic and Mean Inner Judge and *BANISH THEM* so no one can talk except my Inner Grownup.

I write out positive thoughts to myself that helps me practice a inner positive cycle of self-worth and self-approval. For example, today I could write: "You went to the gym at 5:30 this morning! I'm so proud of you. I noticed how you put out your clothes the night before so you would be ready. You really gave it your all and it helped you start the day off right. GOOD JOB. I think you are terrific."

Thank you for letting me share.

DesertEyes

What has helped me the most in ACA is to examine each of those traits and realized that I was not born with them. Those are learned behaviors. I took some time to figure out _where_ I learned them, and then slowly worked on replacing them with better behaviors. My sponsor taught me to personalize each of the traits, which gave me lots of clarity.

Children don't do that, so I need to re-word it to fit my personal experience.

"As an adult child of alcoholics I judge myself without mercy".

and then I add in where I learned that behavior.

"As an adult child of alcoholics I judge myself without mercy just like my parents judged me".

Now I can choose to change that behavior, just once. I cannot change myself in just one day, I have to do it in small increments with lots of practice.

"As a recovering adult child of alcoholics I will judge myself with compassion and set the alarm one hour later on Saturday mornings".

Yeah, I used to _never_ take time for me. I was 100% over-achiever 100% of the time. That one hour once a week was a huge step for me.

My version:

"As an adult child of alcoholics I constantly seek approval and affirmation just like I did with my parents in order to avoid being injured."

I chose a healthier behavior

"As a recovering adult child of alcoholics I will seek approval and affirmation from myself by allowing myself to feel proud when I get a good grade in a class"

My recovery from ACA stuff began while I was still in college. I had a hard time accepting anything good I did and always invalidated success with one excuse or another. This was also a big step for me.

Whadya think?

Mike

tromboneliness

You're in good company. Beethoven got some terrible reviews, when some of his greatest works were premiered!

At the risk of lapsing into cliché, keep calm and carry on. There are always knuckleheads online who will heckle you -- my business got a stupid review on Yelp from some idiot who had probably never been into our shop. We complained, and Yelp was gracious enough to take it down. But those people are everywhere. They don't deserve space in your head!

T

Mo S

this was a great forum postfor me to read this morning: I had to cancel on the art therapy group i run (volunteer job) due to sleep deprivation. I sat and realized all the messeages in my head floating around were from those very old tapes: "you should be resonsible and never miss work, unrealistic fear of being let go (it s a volunter job for cristmas sake- not to mention i am getting supplies I aniciated getting a grant for.)" , approval seeking. blah blah. It was great to see the characteristics of ACOAs listed again....needed to see that this morning. Waiting patiently for exhaustion to set in so i can go back to bed!

incitingsilence

I went and found your other post about the review for your business…

Maybe asking yourself the following can help you.

When you know something is done because of vindictiveness, does it deserve any power?
Others you suspect might have been done in the same way, again is the power given away deserved?
Are you good at what you do? Do you feel you work to your potential in the moment? And if you do then what are you getting out of driving yourself nuts over this?

Constructive criticism, are any of the bad reviews constructive, or at least based on a persons feelings with no hidden agenda‘s? If so, then concentrate there learn and move on.

I write and open myself up to the thoughts of others … that was so hard for me, it wasn‘t at all what I would have considered at the time safe….all that training of not to speak, and if you were you better not at all speak of …

Am I self conscious about what is said, about what I write? YES at times! My issue is more the shock, anything constructive relating to style, structure, my at times horrid spelling, that I welcome…the view of subject matter I am still working on and it is about approval but not in an I need to be liked way, or need anyone to like what I write, it is the reaction of twisted, OMG how could you write of this, or where did that come from, shocked stuff that trips me up as if there is something wrong with me??? Which is so bizarre since all I ever wanted was to be just me…not anyone else’s perception of me, or assignments of good and or bad or what anyone thought I should be like…

I really don’t know how I got past the way I judge myself, but it is ongoing at times and usually triggered by something I am giving too much power to outside of where I am beating myself up at…does that make sense.

EveningRose

No. The one I know was the former friend doesn't bother me except for the fact that no one else will know it's not a legitimate review. I know her review is no reflection on my talent or skill.

Sigh. I know the correct answer here is supposed to be no. Thing is, apart from one, I don't know which of the others are legitimate. I'm a little suspicious when the only 1 star reviews, in 2-1/2 years, come within 24 hours of each other, one being from the former friend, and the other having only six reviews all posted on the same day. But then am I paranoid?

MO S, yes, I have those same voices, to the point I think if I'd just been in a car accident and a limb was lying on the highway, I'd probably be trying to get out of the ambulance to get to work. It's ridiculous.

Thank you for the additional reminder. So did Stravinsky (riots, anyone, lol!) And many others, of course. I have so far done quite well handling the few poor reviews by reading 1 star reviews of books I loved or of musicians I think are geniuses. This time, it's not helping.

Mike, yes, I'm struggling with exactly that, discounting all the good reviews, all the people stopping by my site and telling me it's wonderful and they loved it, etc. I'm reminding myself every day that not everybody has to like everything and I can keep producing for those who DO like, even love, it.

I'm debating whether to spend my time going back to counseling and EMDR therapy, al-anon which has helped me in the past also, or volunteering somewhere to get my mind off my own worries. A friend says do the counseling. The really good counselor I found has something like a 6 week waiting list to get in, so I'm still thinking about it. I suppose I can go to al-anon until I can see her, but I'm feeling a little bit better--still not brave enough to go back to that page, though, even though I know for a fact a couple more people have posted good reviews.

EveningRose

I keep thinking/ hoping that some of my stress, anxiety and possibly pending depression has a lot to do with all the crises that have hit at once--fresh from divorce, child in the hospital, and finding my entire family will STILL ignore me and not so much as ask if I'm doing okay. It's quite a few blows, on top of working 2 jobs. I'm hoping with spring break and a few good nights' sleep, things will start to look better, too, but still would welcome thoughts on whether to put my available time toward counseling, al-anon, or volunteering.

Kialua

When I go to sites and read reviews if the majority are overwhelming favorable and only a couple are really low, I consider them spam or intentionally suspect. Some crank that would never be satisfied. There is usually a consensus of opinion on reviews. I don't think most people will take a couple negatives reviews seriously.

If this is your own site and your own review windows you can find the ips numbers of the computers used. Then you would know if it's the same person. Course they could use one at work and one at home.

But overall I'd say try to ignore it. Go do something fun for yourself.

dollydo

When I over stress and get down on myself I attempt to reprogram my concious mind by feeding my subconcious mind positive thoughts about myself. Right before I conk out at night I feed myself a positive affrimation, I keep repeating the same one nightly until my concious mind believes it, once that happens my negative mindset is gone.

The subconcious mind is the controller of your entire body, that is why your heart is beating, and the concious mind only believes what it is fed by the subconcious mind.

Works for me, might help you!

EveningRose

Thank you. This is reassuring. Actually, it's a major online site. Your words are reassuring and others have said the same thing, that a few negative reviews aren't going to ruin anyone if most reviews are good. I went and looked again today and was able to focus on the majority of reviews being 5 stars instead of the few negative ones.

frances2011

Hi Eveningrose--I care about you and wanted to tell you that I don't have any advice to offer on whether to put your time towards counseling, alanon or volunteering.

The only thought I have would be, "What would nurture you and give you energy?"

geijin

I'm not sure if you;re talking about reviews of posts you've written here ...or reviews on an unrelated topic on a different site.

What strikes me is this: You're writing your opinion on something. And whether your opinion is correct or not, you're entitled to have it.

Further, if you are receiving hyper-critical comments in response to your relating something personal in your life, with regard to your feelings on it and/or how it has affected you, then you need to understand that these people are not critics, they are invalidators - invalidation is a form of abuse. It is when someone else denigrates/denies your very right to feel what you feel - your personal feelings based on your own subjective experience - by using put downs, dismissals....also *I was only joking* type remarks - when you react to something nasty they've said. Google "invalidation". Understand it. Don't fall prey to it.

Workin

Similar to Kialua, I look at reviews on sites kind of like Olympic judging where the highest and lowest scores are thrown out, then average what's left. Most of the time, the overall average comes out most accurately reflecting reality - in your case, that clearly there are lots of folks out there who think you do far more than just good work!

You might want to do the same when you do get those onesies and twosies. At least that way, you will have a single focal point that best represents all the individual assessments instead of agonizing over each individual rating. This trick has worked for me is so many different ways, and over time, I have finally gotten past that awful place of accepting almost anyone's negative assessment of me - still working on the SO part of this - no matter where it was coming from. This way, where it is coming from is taken completely out of the equation... my way of finding a logical, rational way of letting go. Hope either this trick/tool works for you or you find one that does, soon!

Sending you warm thoughts and positive energy! :ghug3

EveningRose

Hi, geijin,

The reviews are on a product I make and sell mostly online.

Those are great comments about invalidating. This is what I and I suspect most of us, have experienced growing up in alcoholic dynamics.