The personalized, extended "Feelings Check In"

Old 03-18-2012, 12:55 PM
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The personalized, extended "Feelings Check In"

I was going to post this in the "Feelings Check In" thread, but this is a bit lengthy for that, so I figured it would be more considerate to just start my own thread.

Today (for right now), I'm feeling irritable and frustrated, and a little bit of guilt and compassion, and definitely some judgement.

Irritable and frustrated: We are being asked more and more to babysit our four year-old niece, as my BIL has moved in with my MIL, and she is now watching our niece every weekend, all weekend. It's my opinion that my MIL has been overextending herself for a long time when it comes to babysitting my niece, and with her codependent friend who has such severe PTSD that she is afraid to get on a bus and go to the store by herself.

Frustrated because it is a real inconvenience to always be asked to watch a four year-old right around the time that our son is trying to lay down for his nap (he never takes his nap when we're babysitting, and he's always a little overstimulated after his cousin leaves).

Also a lot of frustration because my husband does not ever want to talk about these things or look at them realistically. God forbid he acknowledge that his mom has overextended herself and is asking us to take on some of that responsibility.

Compassionate because I know MIL and her codependent friend with severe PTSD need to go to the grocery store, and my niece might need the stability that my MIL offers, as her parents have recently separated.

Guilty because my MIL and her friend watch our son occasionally (maybe once a week for an afternoon/evening so that we can get our cleaning done, have some time to ourselves, or during emergencies, like when our freezer became unplugged and we had to clean out a freezer full of rancid meat, etc.), and I really do enjoy watching my niece and playing dress-up with her, etc.

Annoyed by the whole situation, as we watched our niece for about three hours yesterday during my son's nap time; he did not take his nap because there's just too much going on even when a four year-old is trying to be quiet, and today...

We got a call asking again to babysit our niece, because my BIL left for work with her the seat in his truck. Sorry, not our problem.

Guilty because of the whole "we're family, we help each other, that's just what we do" mantra that my husband's family likes to chant regularly.

They do help us, but I feel that my MIL's codependency is not my problem. Also, I have the personal feeling that my MIL's motives for dedicating so much time with my niece aren't always the healthiest. I don't know how to describe that feeling right now, because I've had too much coffee and my blood sugar is about to crash...

Guilty because I don't mind watching my niece, but it needs to be something that is not going to intrude on our weekend--our only time to relax and have our own family time, etc.

Frustrated because my MIL goes on endlessly about how her grandchildren are her WORLD, but it seems like more of a bartering system going on than just a "hey, you could have some time with your grandson once or twice a week, and we could get some things done...if you need a babysitter for our niece once in a while, after our son has had his nap, that would be fun..." and more like a "I watched the baby last week and am going to watch him tonight, so could you please disrupt your entire weekend so that I can continue overextending myself", or "since I watched the baby for the evening, could you go ahead and wash my car for me tomorrow?" type of dynamic.

I would possibly be more receptive to the bartering system if it wasn't such a big "Oh, it's a PRIVILEGE for me to spend time with my grandchildren, I LIVE for it!" declaration, and if she watched him for days at a time like she does our niece. But we don't ask her to watch him for more than an afternoon/evening, probably once a week, sometimes twice a week.

Anyway, there's not much I can do about it, except to set boundaries with my husband, which he generally agrees with, about what time of day and when/how often we can babysit.
So that's the best I can do, but I am feeling frustrated, annoyed, and guilty today.

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Old 03-18-2012, 02:28 PM
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My MIL was the only one in both sides of our family that ever watched my girl. And she kept her up all night so it was NEVER worth it. I didn't have a break from my kid till she had her first sleepover in 3rd grade. Hang in there it will go quicker than it feels like at this stage. Everyone told me that and doggone if it wasn't true.
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Old 03-18-2012, 03:22 PM
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Oh wow, Kialua. That's a long time without a break!
We don't ever ask anyone to watch our son overnight, as he's very close to us and we like to be right there when he wakes up...
But I do appreciate the breaks I get from my MIL and even my own mom, when we just need to get things done around the house, have some time to ourselves, etc.

But I know what you mean about it sometimes just not being worth the hassle.
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Old 03-18-2012, 04:14 PM
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Hey Plath,

Been away all week, wish I would have been here to give you some support!

Can they shop some other time than naptime?

When are kids were little we were pretty loose with them except in two areas naptime and bedtime, they needed that routine and we were very vigilant about it.

What is your BIL doing through all this, is he working, or is he dumping her on his mom and she is passing her on to you?

Can you all work out a schedule for trips to the market and such.
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Old 03-18-2012, 05:01 PM
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What happens if the phone rings and you don't answer? (My standard method for establishing some space between myself and relatives.) Or maybe you call back several hours later, instead of as soon as you can?

T
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Old 03-19-2012, 12:10 AM
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Thanks, everyone.

Bill, my BIL works during the weekends and has Mondays and Tuesdays off. I'm not entirely sure why they don't bring my niece over on Saturday evenings after he's off work, or even Sunday mornings so that my MIL might have more time to run errands and decompress, but I try to just shrug it off as not being any of my concern.

Honestly, I have no interest whatsoever in scheduling a regular time for them to go grocery shopping and babysit for them. I don't consider it my responsibility, even if that sounds harsh.

I'm happy to help on an occasional basis, as I enjoy my niece and I have fun with her, but my MIL is the one who has signed up to watch my niece all weekend long, not me or my husband.

I do feel guilt about it, but we really don't ask my MIL to watch our son even half as much as she has always watched my niece, and as I mentioned, she has been the one who has practically shouted and waved a sign about how much she LIVES for spending time with her grandchildren.

As for my husband and I, we love our niece and enjoy having her over, but we're not trying to sign up for a regular babysitting position for her.

For the moment, we live in a very small, cramped one bedroom apartment (there is a second office room that we've had to use for storage), and our living room literally serves the dual purpose of living room and nursery.

We're also pretty stressed right now, trying to buy a home and dealing with investors and banks, and my husband's job is really stressing him out.
So, not really the best time or place to have a four year-old jumping around while my son is crawling around on the floor or trying to sleep...

Tromboneliness, the problem with not answering the phone is that, while I generally try to keep my distance from my MIL (although we do exchange some very simple, basic favors and help with each other when needed), my husband talks to her literally every day on the phone, so there's never any way of knowing if she's going to hit us up to babysit on the spur of the moment.

Thankfully, my husband has as little interest in being a regular babysitter as I do, so he doesn't mind saying "No" when we've had too much, or just need our personal family time.

At any rate, I think it's worked itself out for this weekend, which is nice. Like I said, I feel a lot of guilt for sounding so callous, but really...
Once in a while, when a need comes up, I'm happy to help. On a regular basis, it starts to get annoying.

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Old 03-19-2012, 03:47 PM
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I know where you are coming from Kiddo, I thought maybe pre-emptive scheduling would be a way to head them off at the pass and not interrupt naptime for your son.

Too bad your BIL and his wife cannot work out a better system.

Sorry you guys are under so much stress, I remember when we were buying our first house, man I ,

thought my head would blow off before it would be done.

Try and remember that you will get through it, your banker and realtor should be making things easier for you, they are being paid alot of money, be demanding of them.

Hang in there,

Big hugs,

Bill
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Old 03-19-2012, 08:44 PM
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Thanks, Bill.

I always end up feeling as though I need to eat my words after I post something about my in-laws.

Today, I was actually having a panic attack (something that hardly ever happens anymore), due to the fact that my new PCP has been really hassling me about refilling my anxiety medication (which I've been taking for six years, besides the one time I got off it while I was pregnant, and hardly ever left my house as a result), and making me jump through a lot of hoops that I've already jumped through in order to settle on a medication that works for me.


So I had to schedule an impromptu visit to my clinic, ask to be set up with a different doctor, and prescribed Ativan in addition to my regular anxiety medication, my anxiety level was so through the roof.

My MIL's friend stepped right up to babysit at a moment's notice, and my BIL even came over for a while with my niece to help.

But still, I think I'm shaming myself a bit much when I say that I feel like I should eat my words. I do my part when they need help with my niece, as long as it's not day after day, etc.

The funny thing is that I feel much more inclined to help my BIL when he needs someone to sit with her for a while, because he is much more easy going about it than my MIL, and for him it's not a choice to overextend himself. It's his daughter, and he's just trying to do his best as a dad to share custody of her.

My MIL's friend came over again later in order to get some things she left behind at our place, and just kind of sat down and hung out with me, although I had designs to take a nap while my son was napping.
We talked quite a bit about some fairly personal things, and now I'm just kind of wishing I wouldn't allow her to "grow" on me, as I have developed a healthy wariness of extremely codependent people...ehhhh...and she appears to be an *extremely* codependent person.

What a weird situation, all in all. I really don't know where my boundaries should be with it sometimes.
But I think that I'm still being realistic in setting boundaries about watching my niece for my MIL, as there is something a bit "off" that I can't quite put my finger on about it...maybe the whole "bartering system" thing, or the sense that she's doing us a favor by babysitting our son for a few hours, but she's somehow obligated to watch my niece for the entire weekend, even though my BIL is at work all day on Saturdays and Sundays.

Meh...I suppose I'll stop worrying about it for now, and just move on with going in to work tomorrow, scheduling an appointment with a psychiatrist so that I can stop being hassled by PCPs who don't want to prescribe anxiety medications, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I got a one month prescription for my medication today, with instructions that I must see a psychiatrist for any additional prescriptions...so I'm still feeling pretty anxious.

Thanks as always to all of you for being here, and for being my support.
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Old 03-20-2012, 04:15 AM
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It will be ok!

You will get through this because you are stronger and smarter that you let yourself believe you are!

I always try to remember a baby duck when I get like this. If you spend anytime around animals you gain a new perspective.

If you get between a baby duck and his mama he will go over, under, around, through, whatever he has to do to get to mama. So when I get down and frustrated I think of myself as the baby duck. I will get there, I will go over, under, around or through any obstacle to get to where I need to be.

it also makes me smile, who can resist the thought of a little yellow quacker and then make him a tough guy or girl on top of that!

Have a great day, I will be rooting for you!
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Old 03-20-2012, 07:41 AM
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Aw, thanks Bill, that made me smile. It's a great analogy, too!
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Old 03-24-2012, 11:54 AM
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Update...

Again, as the weekend approaches, we have asked my MIL to sit with our son for a few hours this afternoon/evening while we clean house and decompress.

As per usual, she is babysitting my niece. Today, when my husband asked if she was planning to babysit our son this afternoon, she said that she isn't feeling well, and has asked her friend to come over and watch our niece while my MIL takes a nap.

To me, this is crazy making. We need help, my MIL lives two floors below us in the same apartment complex, and can watch my niece all weekend but balks at watching our son for a few hours.

It might be easier if she just came out and said "I choose to spend my time and energy watching my granddaughter, so I don't have much time or energy for my grandson", instead of making big claims about how much she just LIVES to spend time with both of them.

I asked my husband to plan in advance a couple of days per week that she could sit with our son...that way, she gets some time with him, and we have a bit of peace and quiet for a few hours to get things done, meditate, or whatever we need to do.
She agreed to this, and my husband is under the impression that Wednesdays and Saturdays were the days agreed upon, with reasonable flexibility as things come up for her.

And yet, every time we ask her to babysit, it feels like some sort of huge production because she is drained from working all week and watching my niece every weekend. That's how I see it, anyway.

I am looking for solutions...
Clearly, I cannot depend on my MIL as much as she would like to claim for simple babysitting efforts with her grandson, but I still need that personal time for myself, and I am sure that my husband needs it too.

I don't want to pay someone to watch my son, and I don't trust him with just anyone. I know that at least my MIL takes good care of him while she's babysitting.

I may be seeing this from a skewed perspective, I'm not really sure. What I'm experiencing right now is a knee-jerk reaction to what seems like a weird, unhealthy imbalance with how my MIL approaches spending time with her grandchildren, and it's affecting me directly.

Like I said, I'm brainstorming for solutions for how my husband and I can have some quiet time together in our home a couple of times a week (I don't think that's an unreasonable desire), but not pay a fortune for babysitting, or resort to leaving our son with people we don't know.

Sorry for the rant, but I'm really experiencing the affects of a trigger.

I can't place my finger on what the trigger is, exactly...maybe the hypocrisy that I am judging my MIL as having, or the feeling (right or wrong) that she is showing significantly more concern for spending time with my niece than with my son, and for helping my BIL and his wife whenever they need it, as opposed to helping my husband and I on what seems like the few occasions that we ask her for help.

Today, as usual, she has my niece for the entire weekend while my BIL is at work and his wife is doing whatever it is that she does with her weekends to herself.

I need to clean, meditate, think about my upcoming therapy appointment and what I want to talk about, etc., and it would be so nice if my MIL were as helpful to us as she is to my BIL and his wife (who, as far as I am aware, spends her weekends to herself getting wasted with her friends).

Yes, I'm feeling a lot of anger and judgment right now, and self-righteous indignation.
I will work on trying to find that place of acceptance that this is just how it is, it's not acceptable to me, but I can't change it, and try to find ways that I can take care of my own needs, my son's needs, and the needs of my home and marriage without help from my MIL.

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Old 03-24-2012, 01:49 PM
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Her actions are speaking louder than her words. Hear it. I have no creative solution for you to get free time, as I had none for me either. Hang in there.
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Old 03-24-2012, 02:20 PM
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Thanks, Kilaua.

My husband and I just had a big blowout over this, and his perspective is that, because my BIL and his wife are separating, my niece requires more attention and time with my MIL, as my BIL is living with her.

This does make sense to a degree, but I have my doubts about the nature of *why* my MIL feels the need to step up so exhaustingly with the care of my niece. I don't know what the actual dynamics are in my niece's home with her mother, but it doesn't seem so unhealthy that it requires my MIL to put herself in such a martyr position with my niece and BIL.

It's a judgment on my part, and really none of my business when it comes down to it, but it seems logical that it would be healthier for everyone if my MIL only watched my niece on Sundays, and my BIL could stay home with her on Mondays and Tuesdays.

MIL's absurdly codependent behavior and willingness to mainly only help those who are in catastrophic situations can be infuriating to me, as someone who is not constantly in the midst of a crisis.
Again, it's a judgement on my part, but it has always seemed to me that my MIL might almost feel threatened by people who aren't living their lives at some sort of rock bottom, and thus those of us who are not living that way don't get the same level of acceptance or help.

There is no doubt in my mind that if my husband and I were having some sort of major catastrophe, my MIL would help us. But that has been raising red flags for me for a while now, as "family" shouldn't have to meet a requirement of being at rock bottom in order to receive basic help like babysitting once in a while.

Anyway, I'm sure there are two sides to be looked at, and unhealthy behavior all across the board, but I wish I could talk to my husband about my frustrations without causing an argument and dealing with him defending his mother as if she's some sort of flawless saint.

I don't know how you did it without any help raising your daughter! I suppose if we lived in a bigger space, things like cleaning and taking personal time would be a lot easier, as my son would have his own room to take naps in, etc., but until we find a house his crib is in the living room, and it makes getting things done really difficult!

Thanks for responding, and for being here for me. I really need to vent about this, and come to a level of sanity and acceptance with it.

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Old 03-24-2012, 07:46 PM
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Plath,

I know how you feel, my mom always had time to watch my niece and go to every game, school event, everything, but when we asked it was like pulling teeth.

I would get so pissed, I was the one who did everything for my parents and my sister and her husband were always a drain, always needed help, always borrowing money, etc.

I could never get an answer from my parents about why this was the case, they pooh-poohed it every time I brought it up, I was imagining things.

IMHO there is not a damn thing you can do with this except drive yourself crazy.

Are there any other moms in your building or nearby, is there a mothers club in the area you could join?

Wish I had some good ideas for you, we just had to adjust to the reality that our parents talked a good game but could not follow through.

It has really cost my parents a relationship with my kids as they have grown up and realized how unimportant they really were.

Hang in there,
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Old 03-24-2012, 09:30 PM
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Honestly the only thing I ever did was attend a bible study that had child care once a week. It was my only reprieve. It was a MOPs (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) I don't know if they have them now, but it was a whole morning. Coffee and visiting first, then crafts and then a quick parenting teaching. I went for the whole five years of her preschool and really cherish it now. I didn't attend that church either, it wasn't a requirement.

My girlfriend has her 2 children go to a Wednesday Awana's class at a church and they tell the parents to go have a date night. So she does that and loves it. She has no one to help her either.

I don't remember how old your child is, but maybe you could find something like that.

But really, don't count on your MIL, like Bill said, it's only going to drive you crazy -and cause marital problems. Who knows what buttons the bil is pushing to get her to watch his.

I really didn't trust anyone with my kid, so I just grinned and bore it.
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Old 03-24-2012, 09:30 PM
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By the way for naps, can't you put him in your bedroom so you can clean or then nap on the sofa yourself?
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Old 03-25-2012, 01:26 AM
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Thanks, Kialua and Bill.

Unfortunately, I am not seeing any immediate solutions to any of it until we find a house.
Our apartment is so absurdly cramped that our bedroom basically fits our bed and a couple of very small coffee tables (one for the small television we have in there), and that's about it. My son is only 10 months old, so I can't run the risk of letting him take his nap on the bed and falling off or something, so it's always in the crib.
We have a play pen for him, but I think if I put him in it to sleep during the day in the bedroom he would wake up a little bit freaked out...he likes his routines, and he's really accustomed to having me right there whenever he wakes up. Sometimes I go into the bedroom and take a really good nap when he lays down for his; that's helpful for me, but not so much for my husband or the housework...

I usually take a nap or just relax while he's taking his nap, as even our washing machine is so obnoxiously loud and squeaky that I can't do laundry while he's napping. We're getting a new one on Monday, thankfully.

I suppose it's just time to accept reality for what it is, and that there is some talk being talked but not walked, so to speak. For whatever reasons.

Today, I just said "forget it, I don't want to ask your mom to babysit, pick up anything from the store for us if she's there, etc. for at least a good month".

So today I went ahead and did all of my cleaning, and let my son play in his crib while I vacuumed and cleaned the carpet, etc. (he was actually kind of fascinated by it), put on some music, and went about my business. He didn't seem to mind, so I guess I'll just have to muddle through until I get a routine down.

My husband went to Costco for groceries, and then I went to Safeway for the rest of the stuff we needed, and we were still able to play a couple of games of scrabble with each other (online, hahah) before getting ready for bed tonight.

So, all in all, we were fine without a babysitter this evening. It would be nice if we could just have some time to ourselves once in a while, but I guess we'll have to make that for ourselves and not depend on anyone else for it (regardless of their claims of availability).
I mean, jeeze...my own crazy mother is by far more willing to go the extra mile to spend time with my son and our family than my MIL is, or so it seems to me. Maybe that's because I'm her only child and he's her only grandchild...

But yes, you're both right. The key is to stop with the expectations regarding my MIL in general, babysitting included, regardless of what she is saying.

I don't know if my BIL even tries to put her up to taking my niece for the entire weekend, I think she just does it for her own reasons, whatever those might be (my guesses for her true reasons aren't all that generous, so I'll just keep them to myself for now).

But yes, he's too young for preschool or Awanas, so I suppose we'll just have to deal with what we have to work with, which isn't so bad when I let go of the expectations.

Thanks, all of you, for continuing to be my support and "sounding board" when I'm going through these nasty feelings.

:ghug3
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Old 03-25-2012, 08:53 AM
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That's the spirit! Good for you. I have vivid memories of trying to paint the one wall 10 feet wide, at the top of the steps with my under 2 year old literally hanging on my knee. It took all day and was one of my proudest moments.

Oh did I mention that my kid was the original "No-Sleep" model? Never had a nap, no matter what I did, and I was used to kids had tons of nephews and nieces that I lived with and took care of so I wasn't green. She only slept from midnight to 6 am from the day she was born till now. Never had a night feeding which the nurses couldn't believe for the first 10 days in the hospital (I had an infected cesarean for three months!) They would try to wake her twice during the night and frightened that they couldn't. Oh and my MIL? She had surgery the same day and was out of kilter for a couple of months herself. So no help there.

Be grateful for the naps, they may not last, they don't for all kids.
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Old 03-25-2012, 10:31 AM
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Oh, jeeze.

My son is the opposite; he takes one long nap during the day, one short one in the evening, and still wakes up at least twice in the night for a sip on his bottle.

So, even though my sleep is slightly disrupted during the night, I do get some down time for myself...my husband, on the other hand, really doesn't.

Bill, thanks for the suggestions about finding mom groups. I had a friend who tried to introduce me to a group of like-minded women who get together at a cafe once a week with their kids, but I get really bad social anxiety in situations like that.
I can't even do yoga, I just can't stand the thought of being in a small, personal space with a group of people I don't know.
I'm fine in big, crowded areas like walking around downtown, or even at parties where I don't know very many people, as long as I'm not the only person who doesn't know everybody.
Not that I go to a lot of parties anymore, hahah.

We've had friends and family over for visits, gone to visit my dad, etc., and I have a cousin who lives nearby who has two wonderful adopted children, and I should really focus on spending more time with her. We get along really well, as the two "oddballs" of our seemingly Norman Rockwell family, so I think I'll make a point to call her sometime this week.

I once met up with her at the Science Center with her kids and my son, but I think he's just too young for that sort of thing, and he started to get restless and really cranky so I had to take him home after about a half hour.

But, it's getting warmer (at least for today...where I live, it's generally raining), so I'm hoping to be able to get him out for walks at the park or along the water, etc., and see how he likes it.
Last summer he was too young to really appreciate being outside much, and it was really hot where we were living, so I only had the chance to get him out to the park for about a half hour in the mornings in his stroller before it got sweltering outside.

I'm really looking forward to being able to take him to some neat places now that it's getting warmer...and, when we go to visit my family, it's always warmer over there, and they live in the country, so at least we won't be quite so "boxed in" if/when the weather starts to get nicer.

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