Ms.TimmyV

Sorry for another post, but I feel like this is the only place that I can come and people can understand my struggles.

Over the years I have a bunch of friends. Some stuck around, and some not. Lately, though, I've been looking around at my few friends and I say to myself, "OMG why am I even friends with you?!" In fact, I was speaking to a old friend earlier this evening and never once did she ask me one question about my life. It's been about 8 years since we last spoke. She didn't ask if I had kids, if I was married, if I had both legs, NOTHING. She just went on about the father of her kids, how she can't stand her sister, how unlucky in love she was...I just wondered to myself how I even ended up being friends with this person, and we were pretty tight, too!

But the problem I have is another friend of mine. Since I've learned about triggers, thanks to this forum, I have figured out she triggers me a lot. The controlling behavior she subjects her family to, her arrogant way of speaking to people, blaming the victim when her terror of a son wacks another child. All of it reminds me of my childhood. I find myself yelling at her, telling her that's she's controlling and she is dead wrong in her parenting; I mean, I get really upset. Once I hang up the phone and pull myself together I feel bad. Not for getting upset, but because of how I let her life affect me. Actually, I feel embarrassed.

I don't know what's happening. It has to be me. I stopped speaking to a cousin because she kept lying to me over and over again about the stupidest things and it got to the point that I had to muddle through the lies to figure out the truth. I just get fed up so easily. When I talk to my husband about it he doesn't understand why I get so worked up about it.

Ugh, I can't figure out if it's me being overly sensitive or if the last of my weird friendships haven't flushed out yet. I've made some bew acquaintances I run with, and we don't have these sorts of conversations. I mean, everyone has their problems, but they are normal and not so over the top...to me.

So what do you think? Am I being intolerant or have I just changed?

Kialua

Sounds familiar. I think we have a low threshold for bs. and can see through people easily. I have often walked away from many friends that have caused me angst. But with age I have also noticed that most people are imperfect and no one lives up to my desired standard. It is a fine line we walk trying to stay away from triggers and yet retain friends.

Plath

I've also experienced this a lot within the past few years.

I've gradually started to notice that many of my "friendships" (even the ones that have lasted for many years, people I met in 12 step meetings, etc.) were not really all that healthy.

I've never had friendships where I got involved in their personal lives or got into yelling matches with them, but I started to notice that some people were simply not as emotionally available to me as I was for them, or that there was too much codependency, or that by comparing my life to theirs they seemed to derive a kind of smugness.

So I've cut a lot of people out of my life. I have held on to a few select friends who are not overly dysfunctional (like Kialua said, none of us are going to be perfect), and who genuinely express a desire to continue our friendship and are willing to go out of their way for it. Those are the people I've held onto so far, and I can count three off the top of my head.

My best friend (I say "best friend" because she has literally been like a sister to me for 32 years) is a bit of an exception.
She has major addiction issues, too many kids by different low-life guys, and lives with an abusive j@ck@ass. Her parents have raised all of her kids except for her youngest son, who has had Mr. J@ck@ass as a male role model.

I have tried many times to get her to go to treatment, explaining to her that she can find clean and sober housing in the city, go to college, get her life together, and be there for her kids. But, to no avail.

She is a very dedicated friend, and we have a lot of very spiritual talks when her jerk boyfriend allows her to use the cellphone her mom pays for (which is a rare occurrence). We're both well into our thirties, mind you.

So, I make an exception for her, but I don't give her too much advice, since she rarely (if ever) acts on it. It can be infuriating to watch her destructive/self-destructive behavior and lifestyle, but I know that she would do anything for me if she could. She's simply not in a space to be there right now.

But yes, I think that getting rid of toxic/codependent/emotionally unavailable friendships is a part of healing ourselves. We deserve to have healthy friendships, and although I only have two at the moment, I believe that when we're ready for them they just sort of come to us at the right time.

I'm also overly sensitive. Not usually with my friends, but with pretty much everyone else, so I understand the fine line of distancing myself from people who trigger me, and taking responsibility for my reactions.
I say *understand*, but that doesn't mean that I've learned how to put that understanding into action in the areas of my life that I would like to right now!

AndreTT

Sounds so familiar. Recently I've found that I have no one that I can really call friend.
Every people that I've ever called friends seems to be a deja-vu of my family

Ms.TimmyV

Oh my goodness. The last sentence hit me like a TON of bricks. I think that is exactly what's happening. Then I replicate my family role by acting like a crazy person.