GingerM

Hi all,

I"m sorry I haven't been around much. My dad was sentenced a week ago to 10 years in state prison. I guess we got "lucky" in that all other jurisdictions have declined to press charges.

Dad is UNdrunk, but by no means sober. Even his lawyer seemed disappointed in dad's behavior, particularly towards me. I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. I refuse to let his behavior dictate my own. I will continue to live in a manner that I can feel good about. He can be the world's biggest donkey's behind, that does not make ME being a donkey's behind right or good or something I can be proud of.

Met with my dad's atty a few days ago to discuss the tail ends of this (getting back stuff taken during the search, how to pay court fees etc). His own atty said he had never witnessed someone handle a similar situation as well as I have. He said I was handed an EXTRAordinary situation and that I handled it admirably and with grace, the likes of which he not only wasn't expecting but that really impressed him. It's a shame my dad doesn't see it, but hey, I'll take props wherever I can get them.

Atty had a long talk with my dad about mending fences and my dad's need to try to fix some of the damage he caused. He told me (and my mom, who wanted to go to the meeting) that he "thought [he] really got through to [your dad]" My mom and I both snorted out loud and without thinking. I then told his atty that the day *after* that conversation, my dad called me mom and told her that he never wanted to speak with me again and that all business dealings would be passed through her (great idea dad! pass important business information through someone who has now *told her doctor* that she's having memory issues! bloody brilliant!)

So even while locked up, even while refusing to speak to me, even when his own atty tells him he needs to start working on himself? Nope. He's still the same old alcoholic dad, minus the alcohol, and I suppose, I have a barrier between me and him - he can't go chasing me down, calling my cell phone or calling me all the time. I can hang up on him very easily and he's got exceedingly limited access to phones.

10 years is a long time. As his atty said, prison has a way of changing people, sometimes even for the better. It is possible that that may happen to my dad. I don't hold out much (if any) hope for that. And if not? I need to take care of my mom (who not only quit drinking, but also started therapy - she is a different person from the woman I knew. She actually complimented me genuinely the other day, and told me she appreciated me. *gasp*! Really! I swear it's not a figment of my imagination! I believe this is the nicest most sincere display of affection she has given me in my entire life. Which then made my sister envious - yay. More dysfunction, because I don't have enough on my plate).

To be able to take care of my mom, I need to have some business communication with my dad. And if mom's still alive when dad gets out (assuming he doesn't die in prison), well, he can take his own damned household over again. It's not like I'm exactly enjoying trying to run two households plus a place of work all at once on 6 hours of sleep a night.

At the end of this month, I'm going on a weeklong vacation. I'm going someplace where I don't get cell reception. I'm going to sleep. Meanwhile, there's stuff to be done.

Mo S

Eat up all those compliments because you certainly deserve them! I hope your vacation is a nice escape from everything you have going on. I too have a father like yours. I am convinced at this point he will never change. AWESOME you are experiencing a diffeent relationship with your Mom.
I wish you the best.

Willybluedog

You have handled this whole thing with way more grace and poise than anyone could have been expected to, thank you for updating us.

Hang in there, we are rooting for you,

Impurrfect

(((Ginger))) - from what I've read, you HAVE handled everything with dignity and grace. I'm really glad you're taking a vacation and get some "ME" time - you definitely deserve it.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Kialua

Have fun on your vacation you deserve it. I have found my escapes into the national forests now have cell service, hope you can find somewhere that doesn't. That is the best vacation to be really out of touch and not live dreading the next problematic phone call.

It was all my fault too when my a Dad was incarcerated for taking a shotgun trying to shoot my mom and various other people. No matter that they lived 300 miles away and I had no part of anything. While in lockup treatment he continuously blamed me, the 5th of 6 kids for his life. I didn't expect anything less though it shocked his AA group. Your Dad will be in for a lot longer so that might be good in the long run. He may come around yet. Especially if things get worse with your Mom's memory problem. My Dad's Alzheimer's progressed pretty quickly once diagnosed. Praying for you.

dbh

I admire you so much Ginger. You have the type of recovery I hope to achieve someday.

db

JustAYak

I don't think I have ever replied to your threads, but I've read most of them Ginger, and I really respect and admire your integrity as do all the others here. I hope you enjoy your vacation, you certainly deserve it.

tromboneliness

Maybe the Department of Corrections can -- at least they can control it for awhile.

You're doing great. Time for a well-deserved vacation!

T

Plath

What dbh and SpeedyJason said, Ginger.

You are an inspiration, and I'm grateful for your shares and input here, as well as your wit.

GingerM

I've been spending a rather large amount of time doing research lately (that's part of the reason I kind of fell off the face of this board). I've managed to find ex-inmates I can ask questions of about how things work on the inside - not the institutional rules, but the unwritten ones that the inmates play by.

Going in as a sex offender, he will be at the bottom of the pecking order. And going in blaming someone else for his conviction? That's really frowned upon by other inmates. They have a saying "If you're man enough to do the crime, be man enough to do the time." They also do NOT tolerate lying. And they really really don't tolerate sex offenders blaming others.

So either my dad will learn to mask his real thoughts to others (very possible, he's very good at it), or he will get "convinced" by other inmates. My only concern with the latter is that he's on blood thinners, and he's in his 70s. Which means one solid punch could make him bleed to death internally. That worries me.

Or maybe, just maybe, the other inmates will teach him to take responsibility - because his other options within the inmate population? Aren't so hot. Take responsibility or die. That's it in a nutshell.

Dept of Corrections job is not to rehabilitate, but to warehouse people, preserve order and avoid things getting too out of control. They don't care if my dad ever changes or not. But the inmates? Yeah, they may have a thing or two to say.

For as difficult a man to love as he is, I do love him. I don't necessarily like him, but I do love him (the heart's funny that way, isn't it?). And I will continue doing what's right based on my own internal moral compass. He can choose to never speak to me again (though if my mom dies, that's gonna be a tough one for him to get around) if he wants. That's his issue. My job is to run the estate and help my mom to the best of my ability - she is a victim too, as are we all.

Thank you all for the props. I will definitely take them where I can. I would not wish this on any family ever.

tromboneliness

Ya, there is a lot of that. When I lived in Arizona, I had a friend who was a prison guard at the big house in Winslow. He referred to his job as "babysitting," but said that the inmates did have a lot of rules. The big one was racial segregation. If he spotted a white inmate sitting down for lunch at what was normally a black table -- or vice versa -- he'd go over and tell the guy, "Uh, I would not recommend sitting there. It's going to start a fight -- and I hate that, because every time I break up a fight, that means 45 minutes of paperwork I have to sit down and do, and I do not like that. So can you move to this other table? That way, everyone's happy." Just like on TV.

T