CC90

Stumbled across this website tonight in a mad google of bereavement and alcoholism as I try to come to terms with the death of my mum. I am 22, my mum died 6 weeks ago at the age of 54. Her cause of death was heart failure due to alcohol abuse. It was predicted 6 months ago. Her doctor told her that if she didnt stop drinking she would die...
I only reconciled with my mum a year ago and saw her the day before I left home to travel the world. In the 7 months sinse I left I know my mum deteriorated a lot again and refused, yet again, to get any help. After being home for a month for the funeral, etc, I am travelling again but am in great need of people to talk to who understand exactly what I am feeling - GUILT, sadness, anger, etc etc. I know my mum is finally at peace from her deamons but her time was cut so short and I feel our time together - having only just reconciled - was cruelly, even shorter. She was a very beautiful and talented lady who unfortunately wasted her life and her blessings. I know alcoholism is a disease but I struggle every day with it's unreasonable, chaotic nature. I feel suffocated by all of the questions and guilt in my mind. Some of her family (my uncle, for example) are very clear that they think my sister and I should have been there for mum more. We moved out when I was 14 and after 2 years of strained contact and broken promises, we cut ties with her for a number of years. I cant help but think of this period as invaluably precious but lost time with my mum and feel affected by my mum's family's feelings. Deep down I know my mum would not want me to feel that way but the doubts are in my mind every day.
Thank you for listening - Im new to this!

Kialua

Oh I'm so sorry, we seem to say that a lot these days here. But it in no way is diminished by frequency. Many here have lost their alcoholic parent to premature death. You found the right forum, welcome.

It's very easy for others, like your uncle, to say that we should be more involved. They don't understand the life we have lived. If he was so concerned he could have easily filled the gap he saw instead of wait for you or your sister. It's always easy to blame the children of alcoholics instead of helping. Please know he and the others are way off base. They have no idea what trauma you have gone through and what trauma they are now creating for you by saying such things.

I encourage you to read through the stickies above and as you do you will see that you didn't cause her drinking, you couldn't control it and you couldn't cure it. It was not your fault or your responsibility. Please be gentle with yourself. This is a hard time and your feelings will swing from guilt to relief, we understand both. God bless.

Here are couple links of similar life situations:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-hospital.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-hospital.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...suicide-2.html

JustAYak

((CC90)) I'm sorry you've had to endure such pain. I lost my father to addiction as well. Please seek a counselor...I can't tell you how much that has helped me get past all the guilt and pain that comes along with losing your "dysfunctional" family member. Also know that you had every right to cut her out of your life--there's nothing wrong with that, you were doing it to protect yourself from the chaos alcoholism creates in your life. Don't let your uncle or anyone else tell you that you were a "bad child," they simply do not understand what we've gone through in our young lives.

I'm glad you've found SR, you'll find lots of comfort and helpful info here .

Willybluedog

CC, I am so sorry, please know I will say a prayer for you and your family.

I am basically in the same boat, my mom has been in the ICU twice in the last 18 months for drinking related heart damage, she wastes $500.00 a month on heart drugs that don't help if you are drinking, she consumes between 3& 6 bottles of wine every day.

I have felt all the emotions you have, but mostly anger and rage. I refused to go see her in the hospital and generally have as litlle contact with her as possible, she is mean when she is sober, when she is into her 2nd bottle of wine she is a acid tongued devil who no one can stand.

Therapy has helped me so much, also there is some great information here in the "stickies" also there is a list of books that my therapist has recommended on one of my recent posts.

You are not alone, you could not stop the train or its eventual derailment, so please don't beat yourself up. Please get some help.

If you need to talk, there are many of us who will be here to listen.

Big hugs,

Bill

CC90

Thank you so much for all of your kind words and for sharing your experiences with me. I will hopefully take comfort from them. I will definitely have a look at those links and look up the books - will hopefully be able to get them on my kindle - backpacker friendly therapy! Seriously thank you.

Impurrfect

(((CC))) - I am so sorry for your loss. I haven't lost a parent to addiction, but have lost a few people I love. You will go through a slew of emotions...anger, guilt, grief, etc. It's okay. You did the best you could do under the circumstances, and for me, at least, anger is valid.

Please know that we are here to help you throug this. It's like being on a roller-coaster of emotions, one minute you're feeling one thing, the next something else. It's only thanks to the people here that I was finally able to resolve my feelings and find peace. I wasn't alone, and neither are you...we are here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Hevyn

Hello CC. I just want to send you some love. I don't know what to say that could ease your pain and sorrow, but this situation was not your fault. You can't make a difference in someone's life if they won't allow you to. Your mom wouldn't want your future life to be affected by her choices. Please be kind to yourself. Let us know how you're doing. We care.

Ann

I am sorry for your loss, now and through the years, of the mother she used to be.

It is good you have come here and good you are reaching out for support. Once you can work through the pain of all this, which takes time but does happen, then you can remember the good person she was underneath the disease of alcoholism. That woman is the woman you will mourn, not the sick alcoholic that she became. It is then you will find peace.

I lost my mother (who never drank) many years ago, she was one of the wisest, kindest, most vibrant women I have ever known and continues to inspire me today. I cherish her memories and something that helps me deal with the grief of her loss is to talk to her, sometimes through my thoughts when walking, sometimes through my prayers when I need her, and sometimes just because I feel something "unsettled" and need to process it. Maybe try journaling to your mother or talk to her too and say those things that you wish you had said before. It will bring you peace, I think.

Hugs

dollydo

I too, am sorry, we are here, for you.

firecallie

Im 29 and lost my mom to alcoholism back in October, we were together every weekend until the last few months. Then she pushed me away till the end. I dont know if it will help but I have several posts here, and on the grief board and even some blogs if you are wanting insight into someone in similar situation. Feel free to Private message me if you ever want to talk.

Plath

I'm glad that you found this forum, and I can only reiterate what others have said. It is a very deep wound that we all feel from our childhoods, but I am sure that wound often becomes even deeper with the death of a parent.

I have thought quite a bit about what I will feel like when my own mother dies, as we have a fairly strained relationship, and I'm not always very kind to her (it's hard to demonstrate that to someone who only gave it sporadically and with conditions attached throughout my childhood).

I'm sorry for your grief, loss, feelings of guilt, and the roller coaster of emotions you are probably experiencing right now.

And, as others have pointed out, it's very easy for extended family members to feel entitled to lay guilt trips on us for setting reasonable boundaries with our family members, but they have no entitlement to lay those guilt trips on us, as they were clearly not there to experience our childhoods first hand.

My mother was also very artistic, and has demonstrated a lot of guts and ingenuity in her life, and I feel the mixed emotions of admiration for her struggles, knowing that she wanted the best for me but just didn't know how to give it, and the feelings of resentment and abandonment that often linger.

Welcome, I am so glad that you're seeking help, and this is a wonderfully supportive place to find it.

Sending lots of healing thoughts and energy to you, and that you are never alone here.

Big virtual hugs if you want them throughout your travels.

GingerM

My deepest condolences. Those who weren't there (physically or in the same situation as you are) have absolutely no room to chastise or criticize. They were not living your life, they did not have to try to cope with what you were coping with.

It may help to consider what would have happened if you HAD stayed with your mom. My guess is that her behavior would not have changed, it would have continued to do more damage to you and your sister.

You didn't cause it, you couldn't control it, and you did not have the power to cure it. Repeat that as needed. You took care of yourself (and by the sounds of it, your sister as well). In this life, the only person we are able to change is us. We can not force people to make better decisions for themselves.

There are many ways one can lose a family member to alcoholism, death is only one of them. I know people who haven't spoken to their parents in decades. They lost their parents, though their parents still legally lived. And all of us who have lost our parents to alcoholism grieve. Unless we're heartless emotionless shells, we all also get dogged by the "what if"s. If you're also "what if"ing, I suggest you try to follow that thought through, but be real about it.

What if you hadn't left home at 14? (be honest, be real) Would that have changed your mom's behavior one jot? Would she have not died? Would she have woken up one day and said "CC90, I just realized that what I am doing is toxic to our family, medically destroying me and will eventually result in long term psychological damage to you even after I'm dead; so I have decided to check myself into a recovery house and see if I can change my destructive behaviors and find healthier ways to cope with my demons"?


You didn't cause it, you couldn't control it, and you did not have the power to cure it.

Grieve, by all means. Part of all grief is guilt. I have spent the past 7 months wrestling with guilt, and only in about the last month have I finally been able to let go of the guilt. Not that I'm happy by any stretch, but I no longer feel guilty. Please find yourself a grief therapist to help you work through this. It is complicated and something that a third (uninvolved) party could help you with tremendously.

Try to hang in there as best you can. It gets better. Slowly and by degrees, but it does get better.

chicory

CC. I am so sorry for your loss. I understand well, the guilt, anger, sadness, and self-doubt you are going through. I too lost my mom to alcoholism, tho she had quit drinking her vodka,and had a few years of sobriety before her heart finally gave out.

She had hurt her children with her horrible drinking but we had rebuilt a relationship, but I too had mostly stayed away, during her failing health. So basically she went down hill alone for the most part, and I was left wishing i had been there for her more than i was. I know it wasn't my fault, but my years of anger and hurt came between us, quietly.

As others pointed out, if you had stayed around her more, it would most likely not have made any difference. Mostly it is the best thing to do for yourself and your alcoholic loved one, to detach. sometimes it wakes them up , and brings them to their bottom faster. I liked how you said that you know your mom would not want you to feel this way. I believe that you should go with those gut feelings, and ignore the ones who do not understand.

I know that if I was an alcoholic, I would hope for my children to not be affected by it, even if it meant that I would not see them much. I would wish them to have the best chance at a happy peaceful life. I would bet that your mom understood completely , no matter what she might have said in drinking times.

I am sorry. Your mom was much too young. alcohol is a devil, and destroys. Your mom is no longer suffering , and is free. She would want you to be happy, and to heal, and live a good life, taking care of yourself.

Hold the good things closely , for that was your real mom. May you find comfort as you reach out for understanding .

my best. the pain lessens,with time and understanding of alcoholism, at least it has for me.

hugs
chicory

tromboneliness

This is such an important thing to emphasize. Relatives or friends -- people who are not part of your nuclear family -- do not get it. They do not have a clue about how it was for you on a daily basis inside the home. They love to put guilt trips on us -- "you could have prevented this," "you should have been there for him/her," "don't feel that way -- that's just how he was, he didn't really mean any harm," etc., etc., etc.

Those people out there do not understand, and they have no right to tell us what we "should do" (or should have done) and how we "should feel." Those family members who insist upon doing that... I tune out.

T

Kialua

Further, even some in our nuclear families don't get it. Some siblings or others that lived within the home see things how they can, not always how it happened.

SoloMio

CC, I understand.

My dad died in 1970, on March 13. It was actually Friday the 13th.

The people who called my mother to tell her he had died told her she was lucky he had ID on him. Otherwise, he would have been John Doe #WhoKnowsWhat in the City Morgue. I was 18.

He was an alcoholic who dropped dead in the Bowery at age 43, leaving behind 4 children. One loved him. One dismissed him. One hated him. One didn't get the chance to know him.

Alcoholism is such a horrible disease, but I wanted to pay homage to the man. He was funny. He was an artist. He was smart. He was loving. He died anyway because of alcohol abuse.

Amazing that it is 42 years later, and he was not much of a dad, but I look at the date and remember what it means to me.

InsertNameHere

Mine died when I was 26, she was 48, lung embolism, I was out of the country as well. She was an alcoholic but she had slowed way down the last couple of years. Her death was sudden, no one had any idea anything was wrong with her till the day they took her to the hospital. She died a couple of minutes after being carted into the ER. So I know what you are going through. I made it back to the funeral but had to leave after two weeks, back to where I came from. I got to see her about a month before, right before I left the country. I am glad that I got to see her at least and she was sober that day and we actually got along civily. That was rare for us because my mom was an angry drunk and very critical. I am gratefull for that day at least even if I didn't know it was the last time I would see her alive. All we did was go to dinner and watch the oscars and make small talk. I hadn't spent more than three days around here in as many years. I am sorry to hear about your loss.

December2011

I am so sorry for the time you lost with your mum; the time you lost in the past because of the addiction, and the future you could have had.

My pop died when I was 21 of complications from drugs and alcohol, and is was just so damn sad that he went that way.
Hugs