EveningRose

Those who have been around for awhile may remember that things went downhill with my family after my sibling went into rages two years in a row at holidays, and I refused to go back for a third attack.

I believed the line that's been so popular in recent years: We teach others how to treat us. So I quit going back for more. I guess I really believed that when I stopped taking it, they'd stop dishing it out.

Instead, I'm seeing ever more clearly how sick and cruel the family dynamics are. I have recently been through a divorce due to infidelity, which my parents and siblings know about. I'm now a single mother to a large family. One of my daughters was just in a car accident and two days later, my son ended up in the hospital on an unrelated matter, and is still there a week later, with no sign of coming home, while I try to keep up with work and being with her as much as possible.

Not a single family member has acknowledged the divorce or asked if I'm okay--although they're all busy letting everyone else know that I'm now divorced and my mother is even helpfully telling people I'm imagining things--as if she actually knows better than I do what really happened in this marriage. Not a single one of my parents or brothers has said a word about the hospital stay or offered to help with anything. And they only live a mile away. My 18 year old neighbor has contacted me and stopped by repeatedly to check on my younger kids while I'm at the hospital with my son.

It's eye-opening to see.

Kialua

I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this. I too quit going to holiday squabbles and now I have been left out for decades. I don't know why they have to do that. It is mean and petty but what else can we expect I guess. That is who they are.

I know the feeling:
- Nephews and nieces will come from out of town and have big family get togethers and not let me know even though they lived in my home when they were young.
- When my husband and I had a bad time and I was emotionally wrecked I called my siblings and they were cruel, said, what do you want me to do about it? It's not my problem.
- When I lost my only baby after 17 years of trying they laughed at me and said at least you finally got pregnant. No visits no caring.
- When I finally had my only child after 19 years and needed help they flat out said no way. After I lived weekends and summers taking care of their kids.
- I went to visit my elderly Mother and the nursing home attendant told me my sister who lived a few blocks away picked her up. So I went over and there was a full blown party with all kinds of relatives.
- I had a nephew and niece move in last year with their kids while they built their house. Last week he told me all about my other niece that he sees at "all her parties" that I never hear about.

But I don't drink so I am the bad guy. I don't play their "nothing happened" game so I am the bad guy. And it's not even like I say anything about their drinking which is moderate, and I don't dwell on the past at all with them. But they just can't handle the fact that I am out of there so what can you do.

Willybluedog

One of my favorite quotes that keeps me going.

Family is not always blood.

It is the people in your life who want you in theirs.

The ones who accept you for who you are.

The ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who love youno matter what.

hope2be

EveningRose:

My heart just breaks when I read your post. You have a full plate and need to carry on to stay above board, virtually alone! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I think what Willybluedog posted says it all....there are new relationships we can create to give us what we missed and still crave. I know for me, I'm beginning to try this because I just can't relate to my biological family anymore.

So sorry for all your heartache,
Hope

Mo S

I too agree with Willy.

I fully expected, well into my recovery, that my family would somehow dramitically change with me by osmosis. In reality - they were only doing what they had always done. I was just well enought to start to see that.

I spent YEARS in counceling trying to accept them, forgive them, for being who they are.

The end result was truly letting them go. Not related to my relationships with them; I moved 1000 miles away from them almost 5 years ago. Not a single phone call unless I initiate it and filled with lots of awkward silence.

I've since filled my life with people who want to be a part of it bu choice and can meet my needs. They are my "family" now.

I feel for you too and wish you the best during difficult times.

Kialua

Eveningrose as you go through these hard times know that we are carrying you in our hearts and are praying for you. I know it's not as good as a caring family in person, but we are here and we do care.

Plath

Very much what others have said, EveningRose.

My heart breaks for what you're going through right now...and no, you do not deserve that from your family. Not even remotely.
I am glad that at least your neighbor is helping you right now, and I am also carrying you in my heart and thoughts.

You are in my prayers, and you deserve love. I'm sorry that your family is not giving you that love.

As usual, I don't have much in the way of helpful advice, but sending out warmth and caring to you and your children.

Impurrfect

(((ER))) - I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I just found out yesterday that my niece (the closest to I have as MY kid) really doesn't like me. I'm the one that sets boundaries while the rest of the family babies her and feels sorry for her.

Don't get me wrong.. I hate that her mama died in a car wreck when she was 2 weeks past her fist b'day, her dad is an, in prison again.

My thing is, she's 18...swears she's GROWN, so act like it. Deal with the consequences of your choices. I'm the ONLY person in her life that does that.

My dad is finally getting to understand where I'm coming from, but stepmom and niece don't get it. Hurt? yeah, but I know I'm doing what I need to do for me. She'll eventually get it or not. I've always told her "you can get mad at me, you can feel like you hate my guts, but what I do? I do out love".

There are still times I feel like the "bad child" because I try not to engage in the dysfunction junction I live in Thankfully, everyone here has gotten me re-grounded.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Ms.TimmyV

I know how you feel. It really is eye opening to see how screwed up your family is when you're on the outside looking in. I remember being in the hospital with meningitis, just about dead, my mother was going around talking about me, saying that I hang around with sleezy people and that's how I caught it. Meanwhile, I was in college and it was going around campus. Thank GOD I got to the hospital in time. She didn't even bother to visit. I had to give birth to my son alone. My husband was away on business. I asked her to come because I didn't want to be alone (I was pre-eclamptic) and she told me she was afraid of getting lost. I was 20 minutes away, but she was able to drive to Kentucky from New Jersey to see my Aunt.

I could go on and on about the crazy crap they do, but after ending contact, I see the craziness they do to each other. I have a cousin that I still speak to and she's been telling me how my grandmother is living with a boarded up window, but none of her six kids are willing to fix it. I almost, ALMOST went to fix it, but I changed my mind. They will manage to make me the villain for doing so, so I didn't. She has six kids, so let one of them do it.

You have to remember, if you are the black sheep or the scapegoat, you will never, EVER no matter what you do, get out of that role, so don't even bother trying. I spent the better part of my adult life trying to get out of that role, and the only thing that helped me do was become a very, very angry person. I cut my loses about 4 years ago and things have been so much better in life ever since.

gplmdyw

Evening, That's the thing...breaking off from family means that on both sides. You reject them, they reject you. I KNOW you can get through this without their support, you're just resentful because of your unrealistic expectations.

What does your sponsor say about detaching from these people?

frances2011

Evening rose, thinking of you and thank you for sharing.

Bless your neighbor for helping out in this tough time.

Strength and love and peace and healing to you. I hope your son is better soon.

I have had eye opening experiences when I realize things are what they are but I can choose happiness and love for me.

Xoxo

gplmdyw

I mean no offense by my post, I guess I'm one of those people who wants the truth. I'm willing to be hard on myself when necessary if it means not being stuck in the problem.

What I was trying to say is we can't have it both ways.

In fact, I don't get anything I want when it comes to my family, and that's the way it is. I've accepted that.