Why?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Are/were any of your grandparents alcoholics or did they suffer from mental illnesses?
ACA traits come from being raised in a dysfunctional home. The dysfunction doesn't necessarily have to come from alcoholism.
Both of my father's parents were alcoholic, but my mother's parents did not drink at all. However, my mother's mother was verbally abusive and I think my mother was deeply affected by that.
Thanks for letting me share.
db
ACA traits come from being raised in a dysfunctional home. The dysfunction doesn't necessarily have to come from alcoholism.
Both of my father's parents were alcoholic, but my mother's parents did not drink at all. However, my mother's mother was verbally abusive and I think my mother was deeply affected by that.
Thanks for letting me share.
db
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Well...
My dad is very manipulative. He would give me and my brother money while we were in college, and pay for our college, but then act obnoxious and annoying, always needing attention and bothering me (and my brother) to the point where we would have to say "go away, go find something to do" and then HE would come at us with "I give you so much money, and this is how you treat me?" blablabla
My mom stayed out of this.
And it's only the tip of the iceberg...
I will write more, as I think of it.
BTW I am not yet financially independent but I am getting there.
My dad is very manipulative. He would give me and my brother money while we were in college, and pay for our college, but then act obnoxious and annoying, always needing attention and bothering me (and my brother) to the point where we would have to say "go away, go find something to do" and then HE would come at us with "I give you so much money, and this is how you treat me?" blablabla
My mom stayed out of this.
And it's only the tip of the iceberg...
I will write more, as I think of it.
BTW I am not yet financially independent but I am getting there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
My parents are going through a divorce (this time it is for real, I think...) and my dad is always asking me to ask my mom to take him back (even though he cheated and lied about it for several years). My mom, well I'm not where she thinks I should be in my life, and I don't have a perfect mapped-out plan for the future which is what she wants from me. So every time I talk with her on the phone she nags at me to get my act together even though sometimes I feel like she barely has hers together herself.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
It's so easy to see someone elses faults while ignoring your own.
the best thing I ever did was detach from my parents constant drama, it made my life so much easier.
Now I just say talk to each other, i am not getting involved.
Repeat as necessary, it works!
the best thing I ever did was detach from my parents constant drama, it made my life so much easier.
Now I just say talk to each other, i am not getting involved.
Repeat as necessary, it works!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Well you will find when you become a parent that it is the hardest job in the entire world. Even if you are perfect. My adult child lived with us for the first two years of her college. She was the unhappiest person and wanted to be independent but couldn't afford it.
I understand that your parents are having problems and may not have been perfect. That is not easy. But you may have to learn to ignore the bad parts and embrace the good parts until you are financially independent. As long as you are not being beaten or emotionally abused or go easy on them. Just a thought.
I understand that your parents are having problems and may not have been perfect. That is not easy. But you may have to learn to ignore the bad parts and embrace the good parts until you are financially independent. As long as you are not being beaten or emotionally abused or go easy on them. Just a thought.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Well, like last semester, I had to ask my mom for money to pay for this one class I was taking. I was feeling good about myself because I felt that I had educated myself enough about alcoholism to understand why my boyfriend, then an active alcoholic, was doing some of the things he was doing (i.e., hiding alcohol in the house, lying to me about being drunk, etc.). I felt accomplished, like I had crawled out from under the wreckage, or something. So, I was feeling good, feeling like I could progress forward, feeling good about the class I had signed up for. So I call my mom and tell her I had signed up for this class, and that I need help paying for it. And she says, "well, maybe you should ask your grandfather, that way if you don't do well in the class you'd have to pay him back." And that felt like a slap in the face.
Now, granted, my academic history is horrible, my parents threw away a lot of money paying for classes that I failed for stupid reasons (I had/have so much trouble getting out and making it to class on time, and would miss too many classes and end up failing). So maybe her snarky comment was justified.
She is also going through a divorce with my dad, and financial squabbles are common. However, this has happened so many times before, that I have lost count. The cycle. Mom finds out dad is STILL cheating on her, kicks dad out, dad is gone for a few months, begs and pleads and cries and makes empty promises, and my mom caves and takes him back. Repeat.
So I don't know. I feel proud of myself, and I would like my mom to be proud of me, but she's always telling me, "it shouldn't matter how I feel about your accomplishments. You need to do well for you, not to make me happy or proud." and it's like she uses that as some sort of justification for not being proud of me.
Now, granted, my academic history is horrible, my parents threw away a lot of money paying for classes that I failed for stupid reasons (I had/have so much trouble getting out and making it to class on time, and would miss too many classes and end up failing). So maybe her snarky comment was justified.
She is also going through a divorce with my dad, and financial squabbles are common. However, this has happened so many times before, that I have lost count. The cycle. Mom finds out dad is STILL cheating on her, kicks dad out, dad is gone for a few months, begs and pleads and cries and makes empty promises, and my mom caves and takes him back. Repeat.
So I don't know. I feel proud of myself, and I would like my mom to be proud of me, but she's always telling me, "it shouldn't matter how I feel about your accomplishments. You need to do well for you, not to make me happy or proud." and it's like she uses that as some sort of justification for not being proud of me.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
She is right that you shouldn't be dependent on her being proud of you. I'm sure she is proud of you and maybe just doesn't show it right.
I have said the same thing to my daughter about getting finances from an aunt but she refused it. That made me sad because my daughter didn't want to be responsible and answer to her aunt. With me she doesn't feel like she has to answer to me. Finances make the best relationships strain and if you have been irresponsible with what you hav e already received it makes it hard. Do your best and prove her wrong.
I have said the same thing to my daughter about getting finances from an aunt but she refused it. That made me sad because my daughter didn't want to be responsible and answer to her aunt. With me she doesn't feel like she has to answer to me. Finances make the best relationships strain and if you have been irresponsible with what you hav e already received it makes it hard. Do your best and prove her wrong.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Where the buffalo roam
Posts: 370
Your story sounds a lot like mine when I was in my early twenties. I had some substance abuse issues going on in my own life, but that was only a fragment of what was really going on.
My parents also offered very little encouragement or financial assistance when I first tried to go to college.
I had been irresponsible in other areas of my life prior to that (getting into a couple of car wrecks, etc.), but the deep rooted issue was that I was living out a prophecy that my mom and step-dad had already determined for me, that I was a failure who would never amount to anything in life.
My mother was a verbally abusive bully, full of emotional cruelty, regular put-downs about what a loser I was (even when I was very, very young), how irresponsible I was, etc.
She told me on a regular basis that I was too stupid to think for myself, like my dad (and all of this at a very young age, even though I was always at the top of my class in school until I reached my teenage years), etc. ad nauseum.
So, maybe some questions to ask yourself would be: Has your mother always been overly critical of you? Is she/has she been verbally or emotionally abusive towards you (i.e., insults, backhanded compliments, not emotionally available, etc.)?
And, as dbh mentioned, do either of your parents come from alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional families? Do you know your grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc., and is there anything about them that seems uncommonly dysfunctional, or have you noticed that your parents don't talk about their childhoods, etc.?
Have you asked yourself why you might have been attracted to someone who was an alcoholic in the first place?
I don't really have any advice, as I don't know your situation very well...
It could be that you're just experiencing the reasonably normal confusion and lack of responsibility that many people have when they're starting out on their own, and your parents just have their own problems and ways of dealing with things, like everyone else...
Or, there could be something more to it...
Anyway, I hope my little bit of input is helpful in some way.
Good luck to you, I hope you continue to post on here and get it sorted out.
My parents also offered very little encouragement or financial assistance when I first tried to go to college.
I had been irresponsible in other areas of my life prior to that (getting into a couple of car wrecks, etc.), but the deep rooted issue was that I was living out a prophecy that my mom and step-dad had already determined for me, that I was a failure who would never amount to anything in life.
My mother was a verbally abusive bully, full of emotional cruelty, regular put-downs about what a loser I was (even when I was very, very young), how irresponsible I was, etc.
She told me on a regular basis that I was too stupid to think for myself, like my dad (and all of this at a very young age, even though I was always at the top of my class in school until I reached my teenage years), etc. ad nauseum.
So, maybe some questions to ask yourself would be: Has your mother always been overly critical of you? Is she/has she been verbally or emotionally abusive towards you (i.e., insults, backhanded compliments, not emotionally available, etc.)?
And, as dbh mentioned, do either of your parents come from alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional families? Do you know your grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc., and is there anything about them that seems uncommonly dysfunctional, or have you noticed that your parents don't talk about their childhoods, etc.?
Have you asked yourself why you might have been attracted to someone who was an alcoholic in the first place?
I don't really have any advice, as I don't know your situation very well...
It could be that you're just experiencing the reasonably normal confusion and lack of responsibility that many people have when they're starting out on their own, and your parents just have their own problems and ways of dealing with things, like everyone else...
Or, there could be something more to it...
Anyway, I hope my little bit of input is helpful in some way.
Good luck to you, I hope you continue to post on here and get it sorted out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
I didn't know he was an alcoholic when I met him; in fact neither did he. He had just graduated from college. The university he attended had/has a huge drinking culture. He blended in, or should I say, didn't stand out as an alcoholic.
So, I can ask myself why was I attracted to an alcoholic in the first place, but the only answer I can come up with is what I just typed above.
So, I can ask myself why was I attracted to an alcoholic in the first place, but the only answer I can come up with is what I just typed above.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Where the buffalo roam
Posts: 370
I'm sorry, I did read that you had figured that out after you had already started dating him...
It probably seemed like an odd question, but there is a tendency for people who have grown up in dysfunctional homes to be attracted to dysfunctional people, even if they don't seem that way when we meet them (I'm not trying to say that your boyfriend is dysfunctional, maybe he has stopped drinking, etc.)...
But, in the case of someone who grew up in a dysfunctional household, it's almost like our senses and instincts all have their wires crossed, so to speak. We tend to be attracted to people who are/will become alcoholics or be emotionally unavailable, abusive, etc., rather than being attracted to healthy people who don't have those issues to deal with.
I don't know if that is the case for you or not, since I don't know much about your history. But it is a common denominator for people who have grown up in alcoholic/dysfunctional homes. It's up to you to decide whether this sort of thing is a trend or not.
It probably seemed like an odd question, but there is a tendency for people who have grown up in dysfunctional homes to be attracted to dysfunctional people, even if they don't seem that way when we meet them (I'm not trying to say that your boyfriend is dysfunctional, maybe he has stopped drinking, etc.)...
But, in the case of someone who grew up in a dysfunctional household, it's almost like our senses and instincts all have their wires crossed, so to speak. We tend to be attracted to people who are/will become alcoholics or be emotionally unavailable, abusive, etc., rather than being attracted to healthy people who don't have those issues to deal with.
I don't know if that is the case for you or not, since I don't know much about your history. But it is a common denominator for people who have grown up in alcoholic/dysfunctional homes. It's up to you to decide whether this sort of thing is a trend or not.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
I could not at the Start do anyone elses Inventory.
As far as I was concerned...my family was the Sanest Family on our Road.
But I knew that I always was in Emotional Pain,so I probibly thought
this was Normal.
It was when I picked up my First Drink that I knew that Something
in me Changed.......I recieved a Memory.
Looking back, this is What was Wrong with me all along.
I was in Constant Tention....but I did not know this.
While I was always tensed up my Memory was Poor.
The Moment I read the Laundry List ....I knew I was not to Blame for the Way I was.
Others were responsible for Inflicting....Dysfunctional coping skills in me.
These did not work in the world I lived in outside our Home.
To survive in the Outside World I needed Alcohol Or Drugs.
This .....Addiction to Alcohol and Tranqualisers lasted 25 years.
Looking Back To My FOO Alcohol And Tranx Were used to Cope.....So I needed the Same
or I would not be able to Function Properly......Im Stopped now For 25 years.
Its been a long Road.....But Im getting to Trust ME at Times.
There is So much More I could Write but Ill leave it For now...its late.Cheers.
As far as I was concerned...my family was the Sanest Family on our Road.
But I knew that I always was in Emotional Pain,so I probibly thought
this was Normal.
It was when I picked up my First Drink that I knew that Something
in me Changed.......I recieved a Memory.
Looking back, this is What was Wrong with me all along.
I was in Constant Tention....but I did not know this.
While I was always tensed up my Memory was Poor.
The Moment I read the Laundry List ....I knew I was not to Blame for the Way I was.
Others were responsible for Inflicting....Dysfunctional coping skills in me.
These did not work in the world I lived in outside our Home.
To survive in the Outside World I needed Alcohol Or Drugs.
This .....Addiction to Alcohol and Tranqualisers lasted 25 years.
Looking Back To My FOO Alcohol And Tranx Were used to Cope.....So I needed the Same
or I would not be able to Function Properly......Im Stopped now For 25 years.
Its been a long Road.....But Im getting to Trust ME at Times.
There is So much More I could Write but Ill leave it For now...its late.Cheers.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Have you read anything about personality disorders? Perhaps your father has a personality disorder and your mother is codependent? People with personality disorders have behavior very similar to people who have alcohol/substance abuse problems. You can get the same dynamic with a parent who is narcissistic or borderline who never drinks as you can with an alcoholic.
Just a thought.
Just a thought.
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