Holding onto resentments that may no longer be applicable, and the inability to edit
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Originally Posted by Plath 
.... and how there is not even one single molecule in my being that believes even for a second that I deserve love, respect, dignity or validation from anyone, *let alone* from myself. ....
Originally Posted by Plath
.... It's crazy, but I'm finally willing to look this in the face, so to speak, and tell it to Eff off.....
I'm also not sure about not having "one single molecule". I mean, you are here on SoberRecovery, working on healing yourself, so maybe there are a few molecules bouncing around in there somehere, you just haven't be able to see them yet.
All of which is the short version of what my first therapist said to me. People with _no_ self-respect never seek to improve their lives. They never _get_ to therapy.
For me, at least, she was right. I did have a little, tiny bit left. It took me awhile to nourish it to health. Partly because it was so small, and partly because I am stubborn. But once it got started I found that it is like a weed. It just grows and grows and grows and with it comes joy and serenity and a life worth living.
There is a saying in the rooms of recovery. That if you are not yet able to love and respect yourself, just keep coming back, we have plenty to spare so we'll just love and respect you until you can grow your own
Mike
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Thanks, Mike.
I suppose there must be a small amount of something positive left for myself somewhere, it's just so buried beneath all of the self-hate that I can't see it or feel it yet.
I think that, once we start to look at these things clearly, a solution is available.
So I'm glad for that, because I'm noticing that as soon as I wake up in the morning I'm criticizing myself for something. Anything.
All I know is that I am tired of over-explaining things to people because I feel the need to constantly apologize for everything, as if I need to excuse my very existence somehow.
So...now that I have this information, I suppose I can start by finding some things about myself that I actually do like, love, respect, or appreciate.
That seems like a good step in the journaling department.
This is going to be a tall order, but my guess is that once I begin to address this issue with myself, being critical and judgmental of other people will probably become less of an issue, almost by default...so it's almost like getting two in one, so to speak.
I'm not quite as freaked out as I was last night...sometimes when these realizations hit me with the force of a ton of bricks I'm just in shock. But now I can work on it, and I suspect that it will help to alleviate a lot of other unhealthy behaviors that I would like to throw to the curb as well.
Thanks again for your support, and thanks to everyone who has read and responded.
I suppose there must be a small amount of something positive left for myself somewhere, it's just so buried beneath all of the self-hate that I can't see it or feel it yet.
I think that, once we start to look at these things clearly, a solution is available.
So I'm glad for that, because I'm noticing that as soon as I wake up in the morning I'm criticizing myself for something. Anything.
All I know is that I am tired of over-explaining things to people because I feel the need to constantly apologize for everything, as if I need to excuse my very existence somehow.
So...now that I have this information, I suppose I can start by finding some things about myself that I actually do like, love, respect, or appreciate.
That seems like a good step in the journaling department.
This is going to be a tall order, but my guess is that once I begin to address this issue with myself, being critical and judgmental of other people will probably become less of an issue, almost by default...so it's almost like getting two in one, so to speak.
I'm not quite as freaked out as I was last night...sometimes when these realizations hit me with the force of a ton of bricks I'm just in shock. But now I can work on it, and I suspect that it will help to alleviate a lot of other unhealthy behaviors that I would like to throw to the curb as well.
Thanks again for your support, and thanks to everyone who has read and responded.
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Plath,
One thing I have tried to do when I am feeling especially ugly, cranky, etc. is go out and try and find something beautiful about everyone I see, now I cannot do this with someone screaming at their kids or yelling at a store clerk, but people in general, every person, it forces me to search out beauty, does that old man have nice eyes, does the woman that society deems unattractive have a beautiful smile, can I see past the 50 rings in this kids face to look at find beautiful hair, a nice tat, etc.
Pretty soon I start feeling better about me, my search for beauty ignites feelings of my own beauty.
It works the same way with smiles, I am a shy person, so I make myself smile and make eye contact with everyone, I love to see the light come on in their eyes. I know there are some folks who think I am a little "touched" but so what.
Big hugs to you,
Bill
One thing I have tried to do when I am feeling especially ugly, cranky, etc. is go out and try and find something beautiful about everyone I see, now I cannot do this with someone screaming at their kids or yelling at a store clerk, but people in general, every person, it forces me to search out beauty, does that old man have nice eyes, does the woman that society deems unattractive have a beautiful smile, can I see past the 50 rings in this kids face to look at find beautiful hair, a nice tat, etc.
Pretty soon I start feeling better about me, my search for beauty ignites feelings of my own beauty.
It works the same way with smiles, I am a shy person, so I make myself smile and make eye contact with everyone, I love to see the light come on in their eyes. I know there are some folks who think I am a little "touched" but so what.
Big hugs to you,
Bill
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That's a really nice idea, Bill.
It rings a little bit of a bell that, perhaps if I can focus on the beauty and love that I see in other people I might be able to find that in myself and recognize it.
It rings a little bit of a bell that, perhaps if I can focus on the beauty and love that I see in other people I might be able to find that in myself and recognize it.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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I know what you are saying. I have the same thoughts often. However, I also think that the realization that happiness comes from within is truly liberating. I don't have to wait until my AM or AF does something nice to me or nurtures me. I can do those things for myself. I am capable of it. It doesn't mean that I've necessarily learned how to do it. It gives me hope that I am capable of it and that it is possible here in this lifetime (not when my AM or AF stops drinking/drugging).
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Originally Posted by bluebelle
It doesn't mean that I've necessarily learned how to do it. It gives me hope that I am capable of it and that it is possible here in this lifetime (not when my AM or AF stops drinking/drugging).
I feel that as long as I can see this for what it is, I have a chance to change it somehow, but that's about as much as I can comprehend right now, in all honesty.
But I am guessing that these realizations, and our ability or willingness to accept them, run their own course--and that once we are able to accept how we truly feel, the changes often just follow of their own accord as long as we keep doing the work.
I don't believe that I have any power at this point in my life, but I am pretty sure that, as I acknowledge this for what it is, it changes the dynamics at play in my brain by default.
I'm no longer keeping a secret of shame from myself and others, so there is automatically a huge amount of space that has been opened up for me to breathe easier and see things more clearly, and to put more positive things in that space.
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Thanks
That's how it feels, as though I've been locked in a tiny closet that is located in a gigantic room, and I finally pushed at the door and, whoah! There's an entire huge space here that's just waiting to be filled with beautiful, lovely things, and I've been living in this cramped, horrible closet for most of my life with a leaky roof and mildewy carpet.
Hahah, it might be an odd analogy, but that's how it feels. So I am not sure what I will put in the big space, so to speak, and for now I'm just kind of wandering around in it in a bit of awe.
Hopefully, rather than dragging out all the mildew and junk from the closet, I will clear that out as well, and just put beautiful things in the big space I found.
Like I said, it might seem like a strange analogy, but it's really how I feel.
That's how it feels, as though I've been locked in a tiny closet that is located in a gigantic room, and I finally pushed at the door and, whoah! There's an entire huge space here that's just waiting to be filled with beautiful, lovely things, and I've been living in this cramped, horrible closet for most of my life with a leaky roof and mildewy carpet.
Hahah, it might be an odd analogy, but that's how it feels. So I am not sure what I will put in the big space, so to speak, and for now I'm just kind of wandering around in it in a bit of awe.
Hopefully, rather than dragging out all the mildew and junk from the closet, I will clear that out as well, and just put beautiful things in the big space I found.
Like I said, it might seem like a strange analogy, but it's really how I feel.
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