Willybluedog

The following is a chart given to me by my therapist called "The Family Trap", it shows the different roles we may play in a dysfunctional family and the typical results.

In my case I found it incredibly accurate, I hope you find it beneficial, if any of you would like a better copy, it is in my Photobucket Account under willybluedog, in the Sober Recovery Album.

The Family Trap 001.jpg

jjc81

So True !

PaperDolls

I'm reposting this only because it took me a while to find it and I really wanted to see it.




I feel like I fit into all of these ..... some, more than others for sure.

Thanks for the post Willy.

bluebelle

Thanks for sharing!! I'm pretty much the lost child, but also a bit of the chief enabler. That was very hopeful!!

PaperDolls

oops!

Willybluedog

PaperDolls,

Thanks for re-posting it in the correct orientation!

Kialua

We did this. In family AA treatment when my AF was in lock up. What I found interesting was. The explanation that. As we have our roles it was like a pyramid with th A on top. When one of us woke up and moved away stopped playing our role, it caused every one to fall. That's when they get mad at you. When you make your move it upsets the apple cart...

choublak

Is this exclusive to families with alcoholism?

bluebelle

I think this applies to dysfunctional families.

Willybluedog

The way my therapist described it, this applies to any family where these behaviors take place, whther it be from dysfunction in general or dysfunction caused by alcoholism, drug addiction, mental illness, etc.

choublak

Oh, okay. I would show this to my mom, but I'm afraid I might get a lecture from her about how I am making other peoples' problems my own, or something.

Willybluedog

choublak,

I have given up on all that, I started to show my dad some stuff on co-dependency and I thought, are you working on yourself or are you working on him.

I decided if it is not directly involved in my recovery then it is none of my business, man, what an eppiphany that was for me, it finally stuck, work on me and let them work on themselves.

I hope it all works out for you, best of luck and big hugs,

Bill

choublak

She is just now figuring stuff out that I feel like I've already known for years, and she tells me - it's preaching to the choir, basically.

tromboneliness

Not at all -- it was a perfect fit for a band I used to play with (led by, you guessed it, a bandleader who consumed more alcohol than I thought humanly possible without going into a coma).

His wife, the manager, was the chief enabler -- no surprise there.

The trumpet player -- who had been playing with him for upwards of 30 years -- was the scapegoat. They were always arguing about how we were supposed to have played the previous tune... on the bandstand, in front of the audience. Which led to...

Yours truly functioning as the family hero -- always trying to patch together the holes those two left in the ensemble lines, getting my parts just right in the arrangements, etc.

The bass player, banjoist, and drummer were basically the lost children -- sit down, shut up, play your part, and don't rock the boat.

The piano player was the mascot -- he'd laugh at the bandleader's rages, or if they got too bad, he'd just take his hands off the keyboard and refuse to play until the leader settled down. He'd tell jokes, distract us, and so on.

We were a classic dysfunctional family -- but at least we got paid!

T

Kialua

I love this chart, is it in the stickies? It should be

DesertEyes

Done stickied under "Resources for ACoA's"

Mike

MMkM

This is an excellent chart.

Also suggest perhaps in the stickies - although there in the stickies the roles are explained with detail this just puts it right there on paper in a chart form.

I believe the ACA has brought in the definition of child abuse as a kid that had to witness a lot of yelling and unhappy home environment because of bad relationship of parents. (Someone correct me if wrong).

It could be not only alcoholism, but drug addiction, sex addiction, a toxic hateful marriage, a neglectful parent always gone, some type of situation where it affects the child and even as adults they feel the effects. With absolute devastation the loving parent always there becomes the alcoholic and dies a horrible death.

missg

Thanks! I've seen this before but not in chart form.

I have also heard the family system described as a mobile. If someone gets healthy and steps out of their allotted space on the mobile it starts spinning wildly. Everyone tries like mad to get them to go back into place so the (dysfunctional equilibrium) can be restored.

These roles are not always cast in stone for life. A manipulative alcoholic parent (and let's face it most alcoholics are very manipulative!!!!!) is perfectly capable of moving her/his children around in these roles,pitting them against one another like some crazy game of chess that never ends. I used to be the Hero......but got downgraded to scapegoat when my incredibly enabling lost child brother got moved into the Hero position. The former lifelong scapegoat told everyone to go to hell,so there was an open spot there. The new hero is just thrilled to death that he is finally getting attention from his mother, even if it is from a completely insane, mean, nasty drunk ( though she tends to spare him the kind of abusive behavior she rains down on everyone else, since duh, he gives her money). As is often true the youngest is the mascot...the only role that has stayed the same.

In order to move me from hero to scapegoat has taken mind-boggling amounts of just pain lying about my life. The craziest part is that she writes these lies to ME...(or did until I shut the whole deal down and went NC)...shocking but helpful in realizing what she is telling other people about me. It used to be that I didn't do anything well enough.....now I didn't do them at ALL. Whole decades of my life's great moments,joys, successes and achievements simply never happened according to Mommie Dearest.

Honestly, I get it, intellectually. That does not however reduce what is still a fairly excruciating amount of pain that I struggle with about all of this.

Willybluedog

missg,

So sorry, sounds like we grew up with the same mom.

I was always the hero outside the house and the scapegoat at home. my parents bragged on me to others to boost their own status and came home and literally kicked th crap out of me and called me stupid in the same 24 hour period.

Thanks for you analogu of the mobile, it makes a lot of sense.

Take care,

Bill