Marriage with an ACA who is not in recovery?

Old 02-09-2012, 12:20 PM
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Marriage with an ACA who is not in recovery?

Although my home life is at least fifty percent very loving and happy with my son and husband, the other fifty percent...well...

Let's just say that my triggers and my husband's triggers match up to a really emotionally volatile degree a lot of the time.

What is frustrating is that my husband doesn't do any sort of ACA work, as he feels that he has already dealt with his childhood issues (I am suspicious of this claim), and so it seems to me that not only does he react to his triggers in an unhealthy way (of course I do the same thing), but he is often totally unaware that he's doing it, and refuses to acknowledge anything that I say about how he's reacting.

I'm not perfect (not at all...I'm realistically an extremely difficult person to live with...argumentative, defensive, and controlling, etc.), but I try to at least acknowledge my faults and work on them.

I generally don't find that my husband is very willing to do this.
I don't know if it's something that comes very naturally for him to begin with, as he's had no experience with 12 step groups (despite having some pretty serious issues with drugs when he was younger) and only a couple of therapy sessions in his life, but it's extremely frustrating for me to deal with sometimes.

I do believe that I have a part in our dynamic, as he has told me before that he is afraid to talk to me about anything, as I am generally just angry, defensive, accusatory, insulting, etc., and I know that I think of myself before I consider others a good deal of the time (unless it's my son, he comes first).

I have tried to curb this behavior, monitor it, make amends as needed, etc...
But I feel that my needs are often unmet, overlooked, or disregarded as not being important, and I end up relapsing with my ACA behaviors.

My husband is the typical ACA who puts everyone else's needs before his own, pushes himself beyond a reasonable level in order to get everything done that he believes needs to be done RIGHT NOW, and then comes home and has little to offer in the way of helping me get things done around the house (even if that just means taking the baby somewhere so that I can do some cleaning, etc.).

Most of the things that he thinks need to be done so immediately are stressors that he places upon himself. No one else is expecting him to do some of these things.

He expects me to read his mind regarding his needs, and I have tried to explain to him that self-care involves telling people around you what your needs are, and that I am not a mind reader.

This situation is so frustrating right now, as he has been complaining incessantly about the small, cramped apartment that we're living in (it clearly bothers him far more than it does me), and pushing me to go look at houses to buy every day, in spite of my very clear statements that I am not ready to rush into buying a house right now, and that going to look for houses is stressful for me, so one major event each weekend (i.e., family coming to visit, major trips, etc.) is all I'm willing to do.

He doesn't seem to grasp the fact that our history has been a bit unstable as far as moving around from place to place (we moved from the city we live now to Anchorage in 2008, I hated it, so we moved back...then we moved to a small town in 2010, and we both disliked it, so we moved back to our city, etc...), and that buying a home is something permanent, not to be rushed into simply because a person feels "cramped" with their current living situations.

I have tried to talk to him about acceptance (he will go on and on and on about how everything would be so great if we could all just move back to his home town, even though none of his family or close friends live there anymore...it's like he's pining away for a memory, and thinking that his home town will be just like it was when he was growing up).

He does not seem to be interested in hearing about acceptance, or gratitude, or anything other than "yes, let's spend every spare waking moment looking for a house to buy because you're uncomfortable here...never mind the fact that you have a good job, we have a roof over our heads that many people do not have, we're not hurting for money, etc...."

He also takes out his frustrations about living in this apartment on me, because I am only willing to deal with one stressful event per weekend (that is my rule), and we have had a non-stop parade of family visiting, bad winter weather, work, and other things that have simply prevented us from looking for houses.

We put an offer on a house that we loved a couple of weeks ago, but it fell through. So now, here we are again.

Anyway, this is what I'm dealing with right now. I don't want to divorce my husband, we have things to work through for ourselves, but I often don't feel that he does his part in checking his own behavior or motives, and I'm starting to feel really resentful and hostile towards him, and it's being returned in kind (or vice versa).

Anyone have experience or advice they want to share?

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Old 02-09-2012, 01:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Plath View Post
Anyway, this is what I'm dealing with right now. I don't want to divorce my husband, we have things to work through for ourselves, but I often don't feel that he does his part in checking his own behavior or motives, and I'm starting to feel really resentful and hostile towards him, and it's being returned in kind (or vice versa).
What you're saying sounds like, "I'm only going to be happy if he changes." Reminder: We are powerless over people, places, and things. Particularly other people, places, and things. Hate to state it so bluntly, but that's how it is. "I'm only going to be happy if she stops drinking" is pretty much the same thing as what I'm hearing.

The thing that happened to me, after I had been going to Al-Anon for awhile, was that I stopped reacting (or, more important, feeling that i had to react) to whatever my AW (at that time, AGF)'s provocation might be, on any given day. Once I figured out that I could deal with her sober, slightly in the bag, half-drunk, plowed, or passed out, things started to calm down a lot. It's hard to put a finger on it, but I just found that when she wanted to pick a fight, I didn't have to accept. Eventually, "the family situation improved," and she finally went to treatment, got sober and healthy, and so on. But even with no change on the part of the other person, there is a lot you can do to de-escalate things.

T
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Old 02-09-2012, 03:06 PM
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Both individual and couples counseling were a huge benefit to me, not so much to my ex-wife, but that was because I embraced it as a learning process and she thought she was perfect. It taught me how to be a better person and a better husband.

If he will read it, get John Gray's Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars.

It will help both of you understand how to communicate better, I know several men who read it that said they had that "aha" moment.

As sad as it sounds I know some couples who communicate by email because if you read it then it sinks in, also you could write him a letter.

Hope some of this helps, if you want to talk I will be here to listen.
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Old 02-09-2012, 05:28 PM
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You can't make him want to participate if he doesn't want to. I had a really difficult time when RABF was abusing pain killers. For a long time, I tried to tell him what he needed to do to get his life together. That went nowhere. He had to do things at his pace and do things for himself. The best I could do was work on taking care of myself. All the work on this website, the books, etc., have helped me.

What is it about the small apartment he doesn't like? Can he make a compromise? Are things too cramped? Could you put some stuff at a storage facility? I wouldn't want to be pressured into buying a home. As you know, something like moving is not enough to make you happy. However, he has to discover what makes him happy on his own.

I don't have much of a suggestion at communication. I think it helps if I try to focus on saying positive things to my bf. I think it is easy to just criticize, and not tell people when you appreciate what you are doing. Maybe you could try positive reinforcement with your husband? If he does something to help you, make sure you tell him that you appreciate it. Maybe it would help if you could focus on the positive rather than the negative.
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Old 02-09-2012, 06:01 PM
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Thanks, everyone.

Ha ha, Bill, I do the email thing, and it does usually work.

I doubt he would read the book, though. *grumble...*

Bluebelle, that is such a good point about focusing on positive things instead of criticizing.
Thanks to my ACA issues, doing that is like trying to pull out my own fingernails, but I'm working on it.
It helps to be reminded by people (like you, and others on the forum) who have an objective standpoint.

What I figured out earlier, after starting this thread, is that obviously living in this apartment and feeling cramped and uncomfortable, with no real space of his own (he likes to have a workshop of some sort, a garage, where he can work on whatever projects he has, etc...that's a new one for me, as I've never been in a relationship with a guy who is into "manly man" activities).

I figured that, as he is obviously *really* distressed about our living arrangement (we have a lot of our extra stuff stored at his brother's house, or in the bedroom we were going to use as our son's room but ended up being an extra storage space out of necessity), I might as well acknowledge his needs as much as I would like for my own needs to be acknowledged.

I'm not opposed to buying a house, but I'm cautious about it. We do honestly need a house, not an apartment, and renting in this area is insanely expensive. It's literally cheaper to buy a home than it is to rent one.

So I agreed to go look at houses with him next weekend, provided that is the only major stressful event taking place that weekend (looking for houses is really stressful for me, as my husband just wants to GO GO GO, and it involves a lot of driving, etc., so I'm always drained after a day of doing it).

The last two weekends were all about having his family over a lot, looking at houses, and then letting him recuperate by zoning out on TV and the internet, so I didn't get much time for myself.

This weekend my dad is supposed to be visiting (we'll see if that happens), and my birthday is on the last weekend of this month, so we'll either be going to see my mom or she'll be coming over to visit, etc.

All of these things are major trigger issues for me, and as I am only willing to deal with so much stress in one period of time, I try to work within my limits.

I wanted to have one weekend in between all of this stuff to just sort of do my work around the house and have some R&R time, but I guess it's not too much to ask for me to take one of those days to help him cope with how he's feeling.

So. I offered a compromise, and let him know that I wanted to validate how he is feeling, and things are happier for the time being.
I think that, with this particular issue, just looking at houses makes him feel a little less crazy about living in such a small space.

Thanks again, all of you, for being here and for your awesome feedback.

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Old 02-09-2012, 10:33 PM
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Plath,

Do they have the virtual home tours out where you are, if so you can really narrow down your list of possibilites before getting in the car and I know what you mean, my ex-wife and I went round and round about when we looked at houses it made us both nuts, we ended up buying a crappy fixer upper that probably contributed to our divorce because something was always broken.

I can also see your husbands point about having a garage or shop, if you are a putterer or a mister fix-it, then it is a huge deal to not have that space.

My current (the non-psycho) wife and I have agreed we will always have one down-time day on the weekend so we can rest and recharge, that go-go-go all weekend long makes us nuts for the rest of the week.

It's all about listening to each other and compromise.

In my first marriage we both wanted our way all the time, we let little things make us crazy, we could not listen, and we could not compromise, so ultimately we failed.

Please don't let that happen, try to remember why you got married, complement each other every day, even if it is only one thing, and lots of hugs.

I have always made it a promise to myself that I will not leave the house without telling my wife and my children that I love them because I never knew if that would be the last time I would see them. Well on 5/21/2007 I came within about 5 minutes of that happening, I was bleeding to death, that is some scary stuff, what do you do, I was really glad that I hugged and kissed everyone and told them that I loved them, it gave me a tremendous amount of peace when I was sure I was going to die.

God what atangent that was, anyway my advice is to love each other, forgive each others occasional stupidity, talk, and compromise.

Big hugs,

Bill
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Old 02-09-2012, 11:41 PM
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Some of the sites have virtual home tours, and some don't...but they all have pictures of each part of the house, the yard, etc., so we can narrow it down a bit.

We did put an offer on a house that we were so sure would be perfect for us in the area we're looking at, but due to paperwork technicalities, someone outbid us even after we had a verbal agreement.

We've seen some fixer-up homes that we could have afforded, but as you mentioned, I'm somewhat reluctant to go that route. I think my husband and I are on the same page with that one...he's willing to do some things within reason, but not so much that we will be uncomfortable until we get everything done.

I think it just helps him to feel validated when I agree to go look at some homes at least once or twice a month, as circumstances allow.
So, there's really no reason that I can't compromise a bit more on the issue.

Yes, I would like to have just one weekend this month where we're not having company over for the weekend or looking at houses, but I feel like he does deserve to have that little peace of mind, even if we're just looking.

Gosh, I'm sorry that you had that experience, Bill. I often think about such things myself, and I'm glad that you made it through, and told your family that you loved them before that happened.

Tonight, after some bickering and feeling pretty peeved because of the housework I've needed to catch up on, my husband helped me a bit with some baby-proofing and cleaning while his mom babysat for a couple of hours (there are just some things around the house that I can't get done while I'm watching my son, and it's easy for things to get really messy with a nine month-old running around...my son stands, crawls, climbs, is starting to walk, etc.).

At the end of the night, I talked to him while he was going to sleep and told him how much I appreciated his help and all of the consideration he gives to me (which is a lot, in the "little things" department), and that I love him.

So, all in all, we seem to have our nice household back in order, some compromises have been made, and the resentment and hostility seems to have gone its way.

Some days are better than others, and you're right--forgiving the stupid and petty issues is really important when you have a good thing, and if a compromise can be found, it's better to go with that than to sit stubbornly and expect others to do everything our way (or *my* way, as the case may be).

I had a poor time trying to keep my control issues under wraps tonight, but tomorrow is another day, and I was successful in telling my husband how much I appreciate him, apologizing where necessary, validating his feelings, and telling him how much I love him.

I am so thankful for this forum...it just gives me a great sounding board for all my inner turmoil, and really helps me to see things from a clearer perspective.

Thanks again to all of you.
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Old 02-10-2012, 09:43 AM
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I hope you can find better housing without the stress. Too bad they don't have good virtual tours. I spend many hours searching for our next house on the internet. If they don't have good pictures I find them on google earth and see if I can "walk" down the block. But with babies you don't much time for that, I know. Hang in there, sounds like you know how to live through, compromising with success.
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:40 PM
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Good for you for setting your boundaries! I think it is wonderful that you put a limit to stressful activities. It is so easy to overcommit, and then be overcome by the stress of it all.
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