Do I Tell Others About My Moms Alcoholism.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Panama City, FL
Posts: 9
Do I Tell Others About My Moms Alcoholism.
Ever since my mom moved to Florida in 2001 she's been an alcoholic. I didn't know until 2006 when she told me out of the blue one night. As far as I know I'm the only one that knows and I still haven't told anyone aside from a couple very close friends (who didn't know what to say about it).
She only once tried to get help for it by going to some sort of AA meeting (it wasn't AA though I don't think), but she ended up stopping that after a few months.
This past year she reached a breaking point. She hasn't had a job in over a year, no health insurance, a hardly working car, no money, bank is threatening foreclosure, and its gotten to the point where she MUST leave her house before the end of the summer. Not because of financial issues but because of her mental health. She's worried sick to the point of vomiting almost every day and on top of all of these she's drinking constantly. Not to the point of stumbling drunk, but its just a steady constant.
Really what I want to know is if you think its a good idea I tell her brother (my uncle) that she's an alcoholic. While I have two brothers, me and my uncle are really the only ones that are there for her (she has no friends in Florida either), and I'm the only one that lives close by (uncle lives in Chicago). I'm not sure how he'll handle me telling him or what he'll do but I feel like I'm the only one that understands just how poisonous her environment is for her.
So, do I tell someone else about her problem?
She only once tried to get help for it by going to some sort of AA meeting (it wasn't AA though I don't think), but she ended up stopping that after a few months.
This past year she reached a breaking point. She hasn't had a job in over a year, no health insurance, a hardly working car, no money, bank is threatening foreclosure, and its gotten to the point where she MUST leave her house before the end of the summer. Not because of financial issues but because of her mental health. She's worried sick to the point of vomiting almost every day and on top of all of these she's drinking constantly. Not to the point of stumbling drunk, but its just a steady constant.
Really what I want to know is if you think its a good idea I tell her brother (my uncle) that she's an alcoholic. While I have two brothers, me and my uncle are really the only ones that are there for her (she has no friends in Florida either), and I'm the only one that lives close by (uncle lives in Chicago). I'm not sure how he'll handle me telling him or what he'll do but I feel like I'm the only one that understands just how poisonous her environment is for her.
So, do I tell someone else about her problem?
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
For me, I could not hold it in anymore, I was tired of secrets, I was tired of carrying this crap around alone, I talked about it with people I thought should know how bad it was getting, especially family members that I thought might be able to get my dad to stop enabling her.
I would think you uncle would want to know, how he reacts is his choice, if it was my sister I would hope my niece would tell me.
Please consider therapy or al-anon for yourself, you are carrying a heavy burden, and maybe al-anon would help you to deal with it.
Best of luck,
Bill
I would think you uncle would want to know, how he reacts is his choice, if it was my sister I would hope my niece would tell me.
Please consider therapy or al-anon for yourself, you are carrying a heavy burden, and maybe al-anon would help you to deal with it.
Best of luck,
Bill
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 32
The first day I was in treatment for my alcoholism they told me 'your secrets keep you sick'. The truth of that hit me like a ton of bricks. I believe that it is true throughout alcoholic family systems....for both the alcoholic and other in the family.
Another thing I was told is to say things that I need to say for myself and then let go of the result. The other person's response is their responsibility. This means in part,letting go of expectations of how the other person is 'supposed' to react, based on what I want.
That said, this doesn't mean I run around the world telling everybody everything important and/or personal about myself. I have learned that before I tell anyone something important I examine my reasons....my motivations for doing so. I ask myself...What am I looking for in telling this person this? If I am honest with myself there really can be all kinds of reasons,things I am looking for in telling my tale,some better than others.
If I am telling them something because I want or need something in return from them then I have learned to ask -specifically-for whatever that is in the course of doing the telling. This allows the other person to also be clearer about whether this is something they are able or willing to give. Sometimes people back away because they really don't know what they are being asked for/what might be expected of them.
I, like many others from alcoholic family systems had a great deal of trouble identifying my own needs,let alone ask for them to be met. The system is stacked with 'don't ask, don't tell' and for goodness sake "don't ask for help"!
Not knowing him, it is impossible for me to answer whether or not you should tell your uncle. It seems like it would be good to be clear about what you would ask from him when you tell him. What, exactly, are you looking for from him in terms of help/support? (that question is for you to answer for yourself....not to answer me).
I don't know many alcoholics who don't have it somewhere in their family tree which means that of the dysfunctions and ways of (not) dealing with it that come with it are in the family system. In may family people run for cover -whatever their cover is- when the subject comes up. I have had to find support systems outside my family to help me cope with my alcoholic mother.
Very few addicts address their addictions without having had some major consequences. I am sure that it is really really hard for you to watch what your mother has made of her life but realistically she apparently needs a huge amount of bad stuff and pain before she is going to 'get' that booze is not her friend and decides to reach out for help. Misguided 'helping' by making her life easier in any way will only get in the way of that process. Your mother has to save her own life...no one else can do it for her.
I have an alcoholic brother. I am part of the support system for his wife and children (thank goodness she left him and got those kids out of there) but I've made it clear to my brother that until he makes the choice to get help he is not welcome in my life. I pretty much suspect that he will die a drunk. Sad choice,but his choice. Just because alcoholism is a disease doesn't make not treating it a choice.
Wish I could give you some easy answers but really there aren't any. I offer a monster huge hug though! I can definately relate to your pain.
Another thing I was told is to say things that I need to say for myself and then let go of the result. The other person's response is their responsibility. This means in part,letting go of expectations of how the other person is 'supposed' to react, based on what I want.
That said, this doesn't mean I run around the world telling everybody everything important and/or personal about myself. I have learned that before I tell anyone something important I examine my reasons....my motivations for doing so. I ask myself...What am I looking for in telling this person this? If I am honest with myself there really can be all kinds of reasons,things I am looking for in telling my tale,some better than others.
If I am telling them something because I want or need something in return from them then I have learned to ask -specifically-for whatever that is in the course of doing the telling. This allows the other person to also be clearer about whether this is something they are able or willing to give. Sometimes people back away because they really don't know what they are being asked for/what might be expected of them.
I, like many others from alcoholic family systems had a great deal of trouble identifying my own needs,let alone ask for them to be met. The system is stacked with 'don't ask, don't tell' and for goodness sake "don't ask for help"!
Not knowing him, it is impossible for me to answer whether or not you should tell your uncle. It seems like it would be good to be clear about what you would ask from him when you tell him. What, exactly, are you looking for from him in terms of help/support? (that question is for you to answer for yourself....not to answer me).
I don't know many alcoholics who don't have it somewhere in their family tree which means that of the dysfunctions and ways of (not) dealing with it that come with it are in the family system. In may family people run for cover -whatever their cover is- when the subject comes up. I have had to find support systems outside my family to help me cope with my alcoholic mother.
Very few addicts address their addictions without having had some major consequences. I am sure that it is really really hard for you to watch what your mother has made of her life but realistically she apparently needs a huge amount of bad stuff and pain before she is going to 'get' that booze is not her friend and decides to reach out for help. Misguided 'helping' by making her life easier in any way will only get in the way of that process. Your mother has to save her own life...no one else can do it for her.
I have an alcoholic brother. I am part of the support system for his wife and children (thank goodness she left him and got those kids out of there) but I've made it clear to my brother that until he makes the choice to get help he is not welcome in my life. I pretty much suspect that he will die a drunk. Sad choice,but his choice. Just because alcoholism is a disease doesn't make not treating it a choice.
Wish I could give you some easy answers but really there aren't any. I offer a monster huge hug though! I can definately relate to your pain.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 3
Gosh. I am in this confusion too - I don't know if I should tell my Aunt and Uncle about my fathers alcoholism, because they are quite ill at the moment (one has MS and the other needs heart surgury). They must have some sort of idea, but I can't bring myself to go round and sit down and tell them. Everyone of my friends tells me to go and tell them because my boyfriend and I are pretty much the only ones that left to deal wtih him and all we get is harrassment in return. :s
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 101
After reading your experience, I would tell my uncle, but only for a means of emotional support. You really don't know if he can, or will be willing to, help your mother. A lot of people don't realize that addiction runs deeply, and getting the substance out of the picture is one piece of a very large and all-consuming puzzle. I wish putting down the booze was the only part of my addiction I had to face, in fact, that was the easy part.
I would think if your mother has a mental illness, and is willing to get treated for it, that would be a good starting point. But you have to bear in mind that she has to make a choice. Trying to help her can sometimes morph into enabling, and that's a other ball of wax.
I have been in your shoes, worrying myself to death, beating my head against the wall and talking to my family about my mother's drug problem. In the end, my mother continued, and still continues to drink and use drugs, but I took myself out of the equation. It took all I had to turn and walk away, but it was the best thing I could do for my family and I.
So yes, tell your uncle, but go into this will your eyes wide open and know the nature of this disease. Just know that while you may try, it will ultimately be your mother's decision to take responsibility for her life.
I would think if your mother has a mental illness, and is willing to get treated for it, that would be a good starting point. But you have to bear in mind that she has to make a choice. Trying to help her can sometimes morph into enabling, and that's a other ball of wax.
I have been in your shoes, worrying myself to death, beating my head against the wall and talking to my family about my mother's drug problem. In the end, my mother continued, and still continues to drink and use drugs, but I took myself out of the equation. It took all I had to turn and walk away, but it was the best thing I could do for my family and I.
So yes, tell your uncle, but go into this will your eyes wide open and know the nature of this disease. Just know that while you may try, it will ultimately be your mother's decision to take responsibility for her life.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: houston tx
Posts: 5
I am alcoholic and have an alcoholic father and 2 brothers. Ever since I broke the silence to my friends, I felt like huge pressure was off my chest. I had my doubts, what others might think of me. But you know what? Part of the recovery is to be honest. If someone not gonna like me, I can't change that. It's a lot of pressure for you to deal with it by yourself. Talk to your family. Best of luck
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
It is probably better to talk about it. Otherwise, it becomes this thing that everybody knows, but they don't talk about. I've gotten to a point where I've talked about the alcoholism/addiction in my family to family members. It helps for us to share. It's better than keeping everything a secret.
My good friends know, too. I don't share that information with people I don't know very well. Only some of the people I work with know about it.
My good friends know, too. I don't share that information with people I don't know very well. Only some of the people I work with know about it.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by Kialua 
You will probably be surprised how many people really know. We all play the secret game, tell no one, but the elephant is always in the room. Don't be afraid of the truth, the truth does set you free.
I try to tell them, "Well, I realize that's how he came across, but it was really hard being his kid." I get this uncomprehending look (or written reply), as if I were from Mars or something.
The only people who get it at all are a couple of cousins. One of them lived with my Dad for most of his last 2 years or so -- basically, my Dad gave him free room and board in exchange for being his chauffeur. This cousin was around when my Dad -- 90 and quite rickety -- would get up in the middle of the night and make himself a couple of Manhattans, etc., and was the one who called 911 when he went to the hospital in a state of confusion that doctors eventually decided was probably due to alcohol withdrawal when he gave it up for a week or so.
The other one who gets it is my cousin the ostracized lesbian, out on the west coast, who understands a lot of things about my family that no one else gets. That's why she's always been my best buddy....
T
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I had a lot of that when my Dad first died. But when I said flat out, HE was an alcoholic, they all under their breath acknowledged it begrudgingly. Alcoholics are usually the life of the party and great guys --to other people. Just try living with them, hah! At least when I tell them flat out there are no more polite games, they know where I stand. They can stand wherever they want about it but I don't play my 'reindeer games' anymore...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Where the buffalo roam
Posts: 370
Have you talked openly with your mother about your concerns, or asked her whether she has mentioned her alcoholism and mental state to any other family members?
If your mother is the type of person who is open to communicating with you (my guess is that maybe she is, since she told you about it), I might think about bringing my concerns directly to her first, before going to someone else about it (who may or may not be willing/able to be supportive of her during this time, as others have mentioned).
If you haven't already done this, maybe go to her first and suggest actual treatment, possibly even a detox facility if she will experience withdrawals, therapy, AA, etc., before bringing it up to someone whose reaction is an unknown factor...?
If your uncle lives in Chicago and your mother lives in Florida, there is a possibility that he has no idea that she is an alcoholic. Alcoholics can often hide their alcoholism pretty well from people who are not in their immediate environment, and family members are often more comfortable being in denial that actually acknowledging that there's something amiss.
I definitely agree that going to Al-Anon meetings would be a good step for you, just for the emotional support you can get there.
If you've already tried everything else, including talking to her about your concerns, then maybe it's time for some sort of outside intervention from supportive family members.
I'm sure it's already been said that you can't control her drinking, or "fix" her, but you can offer support, and maybe test the waters to see whether your uncle would be able to provide emotional support for you and/or your mom, or talk to her about getting help as well.
I don't know your family history, or why your siblings are not as close to your mom, etc., so I'm only throwing out some ideas.
I don't have any experience with this specific type of scenario, but I know that there is a fine line between being codependent with someone, and being supportive.
I would definitely encourage you to attend some Al-Anon meetings and talk this over with your mother if possible (and if you haven't already done so).
And, to reiterate what others have said, our secrets do in fact "keep us sick", so that's a thought worth keeping in mind.
In the end, only you know your family situation well enough to make this call, and I wish you and your family well, hoping you will all get through this with strength and love.
If your mother is the type of person who is open to communicating with you (my guess is that maybe she is, since she told you about it), I might think about bringing my concerns directly to her first, before going to someone else about it (who may or may not be willing/able to be supportive of her during this time, as others have mentioned).
If you haven't already done this, maybe go to her first and suggest actual treatment, possibly even a detox facility if she will experience withdrawals, therapy, AA, etc., before bringing it up to someone whose reaction is an unknown factor...?
If your uncle lives in Chicago and your mother lives in Florida, there is a possibility that he has no idea that she is an alcoholic. Alcoholics can often hide their alcoholism pretty well from people who are not in their immediate environment, and family members are often more comfortable being in denial that actually acknowledging that there's something amiss.
I definitely agree that going to Al-Anon meetings would be a good step for you, just for the emotional support you can get there.
If you've already tried everything else, including talking to her about your concerns, then maybe it's time for some sort of outside intervention from supportive family members.
I'm sure it's already been said that you can't control her drinking, or "fix" her, but you can offer support, and maybe test the waters to see whether your uncle would be able to provide emotional support for you and/or your mom, or talk to her about getting help as well.
I don't know your family history, or why your siblings are not as close to your mom, etc., so I'm only throwing out some ideas.
I don't have any experience with this specific type of scenario, but I know that there is a fine line between being codependent with someone, and being supportive.
I would definitely encourage you to attend some Al-Anon meetings and talk this over with your mother if possible (and if you haven't already done so).
And, to reiterate what others have said, our secrets do in fact "keep us sick", so that's a thought worth keeping in mind.
In the end, only you know your family situation well enough to make this call, and I wish you and your family well, hoping you will all get through this with strength and love.
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