Ms.TimmyV

Growing up the discipline was atrocious. Either it was greatly exaggerated or non-existent. I remember when my mother found a cigarette in my purse when I was 13 and we had it out right before I went to school. When I got home CPS was there waiting for me. But when my mother hit me and I hit her back she went in her room and cried. It was so crazy and confusing.

Anyway, considering all of that, proper discipline was always a challenge. Before I had my children I already knew I was going to give them the "gun" -- the propensity to abuse substances due to genetics (my entire family is addicted to drugs or alcohol on both sides). I also knew I was not going to give them bullets -- preventable situations that occur in childhood that would "load that gun". Considering I could get ZERO advice from my family regarding this, I took to books and watched healthy families and how they interacted with one another. I would also like to find a parenting class. I try so hard to make sure the punishment fits the crime. I let my kids negotiate with me about things instead of being a dictator. I also try not to go to the other end of the spectrum and let them get away with murder. I talk to them with respect, and I expect respect from them. I teach them intimacy. My six year-old drapes her arms around my neck and says, "I love you, mama." without a moments hesitation. I would have never, EVER done that as a child. I was too afraid. I didn't want my kids to be afraid of hugging their mother.

My kids do not know my family. The haven't met half of them. They ask me sometimes and I tell them we'll talk about it when they get bigger. It works most of the time. When my mother said that she couldn't watch my daughter if she couldn't hit her; that was the end of that. I don't think my daughter was even a year old.

I know no parent is perfect, but the pressure is outrageous when you come from a dysfunctional family. You don't want them to grow up a mess, but you don't have very many tools to prevent that from happening. I already know the standard issue answer to this: "You do what you can, hope for the best."

But has anyone else experienced this self-doubt I guess you can say?

Willybluedog

I think almost all of us, those who have been raised in physically and verbally abusive homes struggle with this, what do you do when you do not have good role models to emulate.

Luckily for me I married a woman who was raised in a "normal" home where no one raised their hand or their voice, she is the voice of reason and I follow her lead on discipline.

Plath

Wow, I admire the good job you're doing with your kids.
My son is 8 months old, and I have *a lot* to work on as far as my learned behaviors go.
I have, unfortunately, learned to conduct myself very much like my mother (although to a vastly lesser degree of crazy, thankfully).

Like you, there was either strict, disproportionate punishment in my childhood, or none at all.
There was a lot of discipline that took place for either bizarre or minor reasons, or even valid reasons, but then my mom would feel guilty and let me off the hook.
So I learned that nothing made sense, there was no rhyme or reason for anything that happened as far as getting yelled at, having privileges revoked, etc., and that at any time I could be screamed at, publicly humiliated, berated, or have the punishment revoked entirely.

I have major control issues because of all the chaos that took place during my childhood, and I'm just now starting to identify all of the many ways that manifests itself in my behavior. A lot of it has gone totally unnoticed by me, or I just thought that my attitudes and behaviors were normal, to be expected, or justified somehow.
But, they are not. I have been reacting to triggers that my mother created, and expecting others to apologize for activating those triggers, even though a good portion of the time, my reaction is NOT proportionate, or even particularly justified, except in my own head.

So...I have no idea how to conduct myself appropriately with my son and husband in many areas, but I am determined to figure it out.

I do know that some of the things my mom did to me I would, and could *never* put any child through, let alone my own child--but, when it comes to the verbal lashing out and throwing the emotional low blows (especially when they come in the form of seemingly small comments that point out shortcomings in others in a passive-aggressive way), I need help, and I need to monitor myself

Sorry if I've hijacked your thread a bit here, but what you're saying really strikes a chord with me, and I figured I would share my own experience.

Thanks so much for sharing yours, you're doing such a wonderful job! (extra exclamation points...!!!!!)

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Kialua

Welcome. I, like some others here, was totally beat till I left home at 18. But at the same time I was the caretaker for the smaller ones. From a young age I vowed I would never abuse kids, I never did. I did love those kids and my own. Love can help make up for lack of skill. I did read a lot, like you. I was abandoned by my family of origin raising mine after I had poured my heart into everyone else's kids. There are many resources for you to sharpen your skills but my best advice is error on the side of love. Good luck.

Plath

For my own validation purposes, and for clarification, I am going to add that I *never* speak in a harsh tone to my son, or say anything unloving to him. He is a very happy, very loved little boy. I don't lose my patience with him the way that I do with most people.

However, he is only 8 months old, and it's far easier to have patience with a baby than it may be when he becomes a teenager, etc., and I'm taking my preventative measures now rather than after it's too late.

I do, however, have to make amends to my husband on a fairly regular basis, and catch myself with my controlling behavior and little verbal digs...so, it's a process, and a journey into a happier way of life for all of us.

Willybluedog

Plath, as long as you are aware of your behavior and making progress then hopefully he will forgive the slips, my biggest problem with my kids which are now 11 & 13 is the "how many times do I have to tell you to_____" Lately I have just walked away, sat down, come here and did a little bit of sharing, then when I am calm I will go back and address the issue with them.

Plath

I think that sounds like a very good way of dealing with things, Bill. I think that, for those of us who may be prone to verbally lash out or overreact, taking a "breather" before continuing on to address the problem is a priceless tool in our recovery.

It's so hard to do at first, but it really does help! That and email, hahah.

Kialua

My hardest was babies crying. Other than that was the later teen years when they really mouth off. I think wow, I could never do that without getting smacked. I would never do that. Then I realize yeah, she isn't afraid of me physically so that is good thing!

Ms.TimmyV

Heck, being a parent is hard! Even if you came from the best family it's still tough. I think you have to know who you are as a person then you can be a better parent.

I mean, who likes labels but I am quite the introvert. I am analytical in my thinking. I don't assess things based on how I feel. I assess on what makes the most sense logically. I like to build and fix things; I am definitely not a girly girl. Now, that doesn't really match with being the stereotypical mom and that bothered me for a long time.

I have a Facebook friend that constantly posts smiling pictures of her family, and how awesome it is that she has all this help from extended family and post after post about her kids. I'll admit, I had to had to hide her posts! Cigarette smoke used to be a huge trigger when it came to my addiction. That was a trigger for me to start judging parenting skills with no mercy at all. Nevermind this person is a elementary school social worker. My rational mind says that's her nature. My irrational mind says you're just a loser.

So learning more about my personality traits help me be more comfortable with my parenting style. I probably won't color with my children, but we certainly can start a garden together. Would we go to a concert with a gazillion screaming kids? Um, no, but we can go to the zoo or the Museum of Natural History. Chucky E. Cheese? How about we ride bikes...please?

I don't know, and maybe someone can chime here, but I my opinion, I feel we as parents should do things that are within the scope of what you're able to give. As a kid all I wanted was a normal parent who was predictable and stable. I didn't care if I didn't have the latest this or that; I just wanted normalcy and to be respected. I also did not mind discipline, but not crazy, off the wall madness.

So Plath, as a parent you're going to get frustrated. Who wants to yell, but when your kid cuts off an entire ponytail it's a little tough to hold it together! When I do lose my cool I never curse, I never berate and criticize, never say, "You are making me mad." or, "You're making me yell at you." and I never call them names. When I do get out of pocket I cool off, apologize for yelling (not for the discipline!) and think about how I can make it better next time.

Kialua

It sounds like you have a good handle with what you're doing and just needed a sounding board to check it out? Well good insight and practice from what you've described. Give what you can and take a deep breath with a time out if you need it.

Like you we didn't have extended family either. But I kept the schedule full of opportunities, swim lessons, playground time, zoo membership, Y memberships, classes. Had many of the friend time at our house, and many traveling vacations. She has since remarked she doesn't remember a dull day growing up. ha ha.

So yes, do what you can do and like to do. It will pay off.