my story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Dorset uk
Posts: 1
my story
hi everyone, im sarah and im 21. i'm a newcomer.......sort of, ive been reading this forum for quite some time, mainly so i didn't feel alone. Anyway, i basically wanted to tell my story to help, even if just one person reads it and tries to stop drinking i would be happy. i warn you, this may be a long one! Basically my mum's been drinking for as long as i can remember, it started as a bottle of wine at the weekends, then a bottle each night then a few bottles a day. I also live with my dad, and two brothers, and after many years they finally realised that mum was an alcoholic too as she alway hid it from us. there have been many occasions with ambulances, broen arms and unconciousness, due to her drinking. i could never have friends or boyfriends round, only the select few i told. eventally summer last year i decided, after another fall down the stairs, it was time for me to step up and do something aboout it, so i wrote her a letter. it basically told her we loved her and wanted to help her and told her not to deny it as we all knew. i gave it to her a sat as she read it, afterwards she said she understand how it could have got out of control and told me she'd stop. that day i was the happiest id been in a long time, until it didnt last. the drinking again spirialled out of control, she quit her job and spent all day and night in bed, with a bottle of wine. then her and dad decided to go on holiday, dad has alzeiheimers so they decided it would be they're last holiday as his health was getting worse. they spent all the money they had on a cruise, the day after they sent off i had a call from mum, she sounded sober. the next day i spoke to her in the morning and she sounded sober again and bright and happy. later that day i had a call from mums mobile while i was at work, i answered it to dad on the other end in tears. after a long time he managed to tell me that mum had died. she had liver cirrhosis and was 47. that was 3 months ago and we're still in shock. dads alzeimers is holding up at the moment and at 21 i am now a carer to him aswell as my brothers. a year ago i couldnt of imagined how different my life would be, i work full time come home cook dinner , wash clothes and sort all the paperwork out as dad obviously hasnt got a clue when it comes to things like that, and neither did i before mum died. but yeh, thats my story, we're still stuggling, sometimes i just cant handle it, but have to stay strong for the family. I really do hope someone takes the time to read this and i hope even more that this could possibly help someone. thanks for reading my essay!!
sarah xxxxxx
sarah xxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Oh Sarah, I am so sorry, my heart breaks for you and your family, I am so glad your here, this is a wonderful place to come and get some support, a place to vent, or get a hug or some propping up when you are feeling down or alone.
My mom has been fdrinking like that for 40+ years, it has finally attacked her heart but she won't stop for anything, luckily my sister and I are grown and my dad is healthy.
Please come back often and let us know how you are, can you get some support from Social Services, so you can do things with people your own age on occasion?
I will say a prayer for you and your family, best of luck to you.
Bill
My mom has been fdrinking like that for 40+ years, it has finally attacked her heart but she won't stop for anything, luckily my sister and I are grown and my dad is healthy.
Please come back often and let us know how you are, can you get some support from Social Services, so you can do things with people your own age on occasion?
I will say a prayer for you and your family, best of luck to you.
Bill
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Dear Sarah,
I am so sorry for your loss. To loss your mother at such a young age is tragic. Also, you are very young to have to shoulder the responsibility of a household and family members. I doubt I could have handled all of that when I was 21. You truly do sound like a remarkable woman.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. This is a great place to come to for support and healing.
Keep coming back.
Warm Regards,
db
I am so sorry for your loss. To loss your mother at such a young age is tragic. Also, you are very young to have to shoulder the responsibility of a household and family members. I doubt I could have handled all of that when I was 21. You truly do sound like a remarkable woman.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. This is a great place to come to for support and healing.
Keep coming back.
Warm Regards,
db
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Where the buffalo roam
Posts: 370
I couldn't say it any better than Bill and db have said it, Sarah.
My heart breaks for you, and you are indeed an amazing woman to be dealing with all of this at your age, and doing the things that need to be done.
I also would never have been able to handle something like what you're going through when I was 21 years old.
I am also praying for you, that you will find the love, support, and guidance that you need to get you through this.
Much support and loving energy going out to you, and I also hope that you keep coming back here to share, receive support, and get whatever you need from the caring, supportive community here.
My heart breaks for you, and you are indeed an amazing woman to be dealing with all of this at your age, and doing the things that need to be done.
I also would never have been able to handle something like what you're going through when I was 21 years old.
I am also praying for you, that you will find the love, support, and guidance that you need to get you through this.
Much support and loving energy going out to you, and I also hope that you keep coming back here to share, receive support, and get whatever you need from the caring, supportive community here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I'm glad the site has helped you and I'm glad you have decided to write and join us. Welcome. My condolences to you as you go through this difficult time in your life. We are here to listen and help if you need. God Bless.
This is an awful lot to deal with at any age, but even moreso when you're so young. I'm glad you've come here. We do care and will be here for you.Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Wow Sarah, I am very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story as I imagine it is still very raw for you. And I can only imagine losing a parent, especially one so young, and to a disease like alcoholism.
Take very good care of yourself and keep coming back. There is so much incredible support on this site; don't hesitate to reach out and use it when you need it. You've got a full plate already.
Sending prayers and positive thoughts to you today!
~T
Take very good care of yourself and keep coming back. There is so much incredible support on this site; don't hesitate to reach out and use it when you need it. You've got a full plate already.
Sending prayers and positive thoughts to you today!
~T
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Dear Sarah, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss at such a tender young age.
My father lost both of his parents within a year of each other to alcoholism while he was still in high school (they were both in their 40's). He became the caregiver to his two younger brothers.
I hope you will continue to post here, and know that you are among friends.
Sending you gentle hugs of support!
My father lost both of his parents within a year of each other to alcoholism while he was still in high school (they were both in their 40's). He became the caregiver to his two younger brothers.
I hope you will continue to post here, and know that you are among friends.
Sending you gentle hugs of support!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Sarah, I am glad you found SR but so incredibly sorry for the pain that has brought you here. You are a very strong young woman and my heart hurts for the pain you are going through. I hope you have someone you can talk to face to face to help you through this as well. Sending prayers for you and your family. Keep reading and posting and know that we are walking with you in spirit.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Sarah - my heart goes out to you for all you've been through. I think it's amazing that you're sharing this here - I'm sure it will help someone.
Let us know how things are going. You never have to feel alone, there's always someone here to listen and share your pain. Hoping for brighter days for you and your family.
Let us know how things are going. You never have to feel alone, there's always someone here to listen and share your pain. Hoping for brighter days for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Sara, I hope to give you some words of encouragement. I am not 21 anymore, by, um, well, a lot of years beyond that. But the truth is - 21 or 51, what you're going through is incredibly difficult.
Last August, with no warning to the rest of the family to speak of, my dad was arrested on 29 felony counts. My mom has dementia. I'm in Management and right now this is one of our busiest times that I can remember. I'm working 70+ hour weeks.
My dad left the finances in a mess. My mom had no clue what was going on. Dad had made everything electronic (bills emailed, autopayments etc). My mom didn't even know how to do email, forget complicated online bill paying. He's been in jail for 5 months now and I still don't have all the bills sorted out.
In addition, I have a teenager who is in college now but comes home a lot. He is not my child, but we've adopted him due to family dysfunction in the exended family. He takes a lot of energy.
Sound familiar? Taking care of the family while working full time and trying to sort out the mess?
The only thing that my years gave me was enough bad experiences to know I was resilient and could handle dang near anything thrown at me. I could handle this. So I thought. And y'know what? I *can* handle it. Most of the time. But not always. I've had a couple of full on nervous breakdowns.
The only difference between my situation and yours is that my dad is still alive. I can't talk to him (I'm a witness) though. So I have no ability to find closure through discourse, any more than you do with your mom. And I can't take care of their estate the way I would have if he had died (not that he didn't try, he tried to kill himself during the arrest).
But here I am, posting on SR. I'm still working 70+ hours/week. You are resilient. You are strong. You are intelligent. You will make it too. That doesn't mean that you're going to be able to be calm, cool, collected, and always mentally sharp. It means you'll survive, and you'll do so especially if you can get others to help you (can your brothers help with the house? You don't say how old they are - and single men have to cook too, so there's nothing wrong with them helping with cooking or cleaning).
At 3 months, the jarring emotions were just barely starting to settle in for me. Now, at 5 months, things are sort of normal. I think of it as the "new" normal. There are still many unresolved things. And more surprises in wait for me, I'm sure.
But I am strong, I am resilient, and most importantly, I am human. Because I am human, I feel. I feel anger, sadness, sometimes despair. I feel shocked, hurt, spiteful, petty, mean, vindictive. What I don't do is act on those things. I can recognize that I'm feeling spiteful without acting on the spite. Nothing wrong with feeling it, nothing wrong with acknowledging that I feel it - as long as I don't act on it.
I'm guessing that you are filled with a metric tonne of emotions, some of which are probably conflicting (like experiencing great love and great hatred at the same time).
Try to remember that insanity is a perfectly sane response to an insane world. You will be knocked around a bit emotionally for some time. I promise you that it WILL settle out. Things won't ever go back to the way they were, but you will develop a "new" normal and you'll be able to live your life accordingly.
I am still straightening out my parents bills (only 1 left to go now I think...after 5 months of trying to straighten out their bills). I still have to check my dad's email daily. I go over to my mom's once a week to pay the bills, do little chores for her, and generally make sure she's doing okay (kitchen isn't filthy, house isn't too cluttered etc) I often bring my husband to help me. Thankfully, my mom isn't into full-time care yet - she's still pretty capable of doing the things she's done all her life. New things are difficult for her, and if they involve a computer or electronics, they're even more difficult for her.
You will survive this. Time will pass. Each day that the sun rises is a day closer to finding your peace. Having a good cry now and then is totally healthy, if you weren't affected by this, it would mean you weren't able to feel at all, and that would be very concerning. But you can, even on your worst days, take heart in the fact that you can feel - psychopaths don't feel, ergo you're not a psychopath. You're in a situation of extreme duress, having extreme emotions is to be expected.
Hang in there. It isn't going to be fun, but it will get better. And if you can get your brothers to help, even in small ways, each thing they can take off of your list of responsibilities will help.
I have no doubt that you will make it through this. If you weren't going to, you wouldn't be posting three months after the fact. That you made it through the first three months is highly encouraging - those first months are the most difficult and most disorienting. I promise things will start to stabilize out for you, but it won't happen quickly. One day you'll have a day that seems perfectly normal and it will catch you off guard. That's when you know you're well into the 'new' normal.
I have faith in you.
Last August, with no warning to the rest of the family to speak of, my dad was arrested on 29 felony counts. My mom has dementia. I'm in Management and right now this is one of our busiest times that I can remember. I'm working 70+ hour weeks.
My dad left the finances in a mess. My mom had no clue what was going on. Dad had made everything electronic (bills emailed, autopayments etc). My mom didn't even know how to do email, forget complicated online bill paying. He's been in jail for 5 months now and I still don't have all the bills sorted out.
In addition, I have a teenager who is in college now but comes home a lot. He is not my child, but we've adopted him due to family dysfunction in the exended family. He takes a lot of energy.
Sound familiar? Taking care of the family while working full time and trying to sort out the mess?
The only thing that my years gave me was enough bad experiences to know I was resilient and could handle dang near anything thrown at me. I could handle this. So I thought. And y'know what? I *can* handle it. Most of the time. But not always. I've had a couple of full on nervous breakdowns.
The only difference between my situation and yours is that my dad is still alive. I can't talk to him (I'm a witness) though. So I have no ability to find closure through discourse, any more than you do with your mom. And I can't take care of their estate the way I would have if he had died (not that he didn't try, he tried to kill himself during the arrest).
But here I am, posting on SR. I'm still working 70+ hours/week. You are resilient. You are strong. You are intelligent. You will make it too. That doesn't mean that you're going to be able to be calm, cool, collected, and always mentally sharp. It means you'll survive, and you'll do so especially if you can get others to help you (can your brothers help with the house? You don't say how old they are - and single men have to cook too, so there's nothing wrong with them helping with cooking or cleaning).
At 3 months, the jarring emotions were just barely starting to settle in for me. Now, at 5 months, things are sort of normal. I think of it as the "new" normal. There are still many unresolved things. And more surprises in wait for me, I'm sure.
But I am strong, I am resilient, and most importantly, I am human. Because I am human, I feel. I feel anger, sadness, sometimes despair. I feel shocked, hurt, spiteful, petty, mean, vindictive. What I don't do is act on those things. I can recognize that I'm feeling spiteful without acting on the spite. Nothing wrong with feeling it, nothing wrong with acknowledging that I feel it - as long as I don't act on it.
I'm guessing that you are filled with a metric tonne of emotions, some of which are probably conflicting (like experiencing great love and great hatred at the same time).
Try to remember that insanity is a perfectly sane response to an insane world. You will be knocked around a bit emotionally for some time. I promise you that it WILL settle out. Things won't ever go back to the way they were, but you will develop a "new" normal and you'll be able to live your life accordingly.
I am still straightening out my parents bills (only 1 left to go now I think...after 5 months of trying to straighten out their bills). I still have to check my dad's email daily. I go over to my mom's once a week to pay the bills, do little chores for her, and generally make sure she's doing okay (kitchen isn't filthy, house isn't too cluttered etc) I often bring my husband to help me. Thankfully, my mom isn't into full-time care yet - she's still pretty capable of doing the things she's done all her life. New things are difficult for her, and if they involve a computer or electronics, they're even more difficult for her.
You will survive this. Time will pass. Each day that the sun rises is a day closer to finding your peace. Having a good cry now and then is totally healthy, if you weren't affected by this, it would mean you weren't able to feel at all, and that would be very concerning. But you can, even on your worst days, take heart in the fact that you can feel - psychopaths don't feel, ergo you're not a psychopath. You're in a situation of extreme duress, having extreme emotions is to be expected.
Hang in there. It isn't going to be fun, but it will get better. And if you can get your brothers to help, even in small ways, each thing they can take off of your list of responsibilities will help.
I have no doubt that you will make it through this. If you weren't going to, you wouldn't be posting three months after the fact. That you made it through the first three months is highly encouraging - those first months are the most difficult and most disorienting. I promise things will start to stabilize out for you, but it won't happen quickly. One day you'll have a day that seems perfectly normal and it will catch you off guard. That's when you know you're well into the 'new' normal.
I have faith in you.
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