Free2bmyself

I feel sorry for any woman married to this same type of person. My ex blamed me for everything! Nothing was ever his fault. I was never good enough either. When I tried holding him accountable for certain things he would say that never happened and that I was making things up. I finally started a journal so I knew I wasn't crazy. We went to marriage counseling and things seemed better for a few months and then bad again. If I would try to tell him my feelings he would immediately say that was Joe he felt too instead of hearing me. He is the most manipulative man I know. He thought I was the one who needed counseling. So I went to appease him. My counselor told me he had a hole in his soul and that I should run. She didn't handle divorce lightly but she thought it was in my best interest. I was so emotionally abused in a mere 5 years that his words still haunt me now and cause doubt. I sometimes still can't distinguish if what he used to tell me is right or wr

JustAYak

I'm sorry you experienced this. Unfortunately, we're wired a little differently than "normal" people. He was caught in a cycle of abuse, mistrust, and blame himself when he was young, so he learned that there was no other way to live. He obviously didn't develop the right coping skills due to his father's abuse. Unless adult children find therapy for themselves, they generally will continue the cycle of abuse because they have no other means of "survival." They were taught no other way of life and were subjected to the unfairness and ill regard of their parents. ACoAs have been neglected, abused, and blamed all throughout their young lives and even through their adult lives sometimes, you must understand that we don't necessarily mean harm...we just simply haven't developed the coping skills necessary to function in a normal environment. Our lives were always chaotic and unpredictable and we carry our pain with us and sometimes we unfairly lash out at others. I hope that he finds help and I hope you continue on to live a life of happiness and fulfillment. You do not deserve to be mistreated, nor did he when he was a child.

dollydo

Jay pretty well covered what I was going to say.

On the other forums I particpate in I attempt to make parents understand how traumatic it is for a child to be in the home of an abuser and/or an addict.

As a child we carry hear and see everything and carry our learned behaviors and dysfunction into adulthood. Sad, but true.

You were smart to get out, most likely without intense therapy he will not change, infact, he will probably get worse.

Nice to meet you, continue to take care of you.

Free2bmyself

Thank you for understanding and for explaining more. I know it isn't my husbands fault for what he had to go through as a child. However, he refuses to go get help and it makes me very sad. How do i break this cycle now with our child? I don't want him to grow up blaming and being a victim like his father. Was leaving enough?

Kialua

Welcome. I don't have any words of wisdom but just let your child know that he is loved by you. And teach him forgiveness. Growing up bitter will destroy anyone. Good luck.

JustAYak

How old is your son, Free2bmyself? If he is young, hopefully he won't have absorbed it all yet, however if he's older therapy will surely help. I obviously don't know your son and I don't know how he may or may not have internalized any unfortunate behaviors his father displayed, but therapy would teach him new skills to cope with unfavorable events that don't involve exploding anger or codependent type behavior. Leaving was a good decision, he doesn't need to grow up in an environment like that.

Free2bmyself

Our son is a year and a half old. I'm thinking I made the right move by leaving now when he is so young. Now that I left I can focus on providing a positive environment for my son as much as possible while I have him.

dbh

I'm an ACA whose parents divorced when I was 15 years old.

Based on my experience, I think it is useful to look at yourself and see if there was a reason you were attracted to an ACA in the first place. Even after my father left (he was an ACA and an alcoholic), our family was pretty dysfunctional because my mother had her own set of issues that she never resolved. EVERYTHING was my father's fault. As we got older, she started to blame us for things just like she used to blame my dad.

I would also resist the urge to bad mouth your ex in front of your child. 30+ years later and my mom can still go on and on about how awful my father was. Growing up it sort of made me feel like I must be at least half awful. If your ex is abusive/manipulative, you need to teach your child how to set boundaries by providing good examples. My dad wasn't a very good father and instead of protecting us and/or teaching us to stand up for ourselves, my mother seemed to enjoy these opportunities of showing us how bad our father was. I didn't learn to set boundaries with my dad until I was almost 40!

Since coming to this board, I have gain a new appreciation for the courage that it takes to leave an abusive relationship. Congratulation!

I wish you and your son a wonderful future ahead.

Warm Regards,

db

Willybluedog

Dear Free,

Building upon what Jason has said, my mom has been an alcoholic virtually all of my life (I am 49) she was self-absorbed, mean, spiteful, nasty, etc. she cheated on my dad first, then he found out and became a serial adulterer, he worked 3rd shift so what little time they spent together they fought, guess who got the brunt of the hatred she had for him, if you guessed me you would be correct, I had a greenstick fracture at 10 months old that I supposedly got running into a door frame, only I find out that it is virtually impossible to happen that way, one day in grade school i backtalked her, I was sitting in a chair so she just broke a board over my head. My dad beat me with a belt and kicked me when his boot was more handy than his belt.

The real damage was mental, your stupid, your dumb, don't be ********, shut the he!! up, I am going to beat the dog sh!t out of you, why can't you be good like your sister, you do this just to hurt me, on and on.

And my dad told me often, only crazy people go to therapy, and if you go to a shrink they will lock you up in the mental hospital, can you imagine my thoughts on therapy, I was scared to death to go get help, even when I was suicidal, I was terrified I would never get out because my father had told me "I will never lie to you" so it had to be true!

Finally I did not care anymore, I had ulcers, I was crying all the time, I would have killed myself but I was afraid that would make my cheating ex-wife happy so I had to stay alive if it was only to spite her. They put me on prozac and I started counseling, the sun finally rose for me.

I am sure you did the right thing by leaving, especially for you child, but your ex is probably like most of us, he is wired wrong from years of abuse, he may be afraid to go get help, and there is nothing you can do except gently encourage him to go to ACOA or AA or to therapy, anything else would be pointless.

I hope this helps, my wife is a nurse and she does not really understand what happens to a person who grows up like I did, I don't think most people have any idea what happens to children raised is seriouly dysfunctional homes.

Best of luck to you.

Bill

Free2bmyself

I have been attracted to the wrong type of men since grade school and yes, I am working on myself now too! I have issues just as my ex does. My father was an addict while I was growing up. Plus I have never had a good father figure in my life. I'm attracted to the guys that need me, that have major problems and I need to get my head fixed so I stop this unhealthy cycle of choosing wrong men for me and my child. I am going to try to have enough courage to go to alanOn tonite. Hope that will be a start for my long road ahead.

Free2bmyself

Bill
Wow I can't believe all you have been through. I am sorry. Thank you for helping me see through the eyes of an ACOA. I need to remember my ex had no control of his childhood. Even though he does not listen to me I know I can still pray for him to get therapy. I would never say anything negative about my ex in front of our child. I come from a broken home where my dad talked negatively of my mom constantly. I will do whatever it takes to assure our don knows we both love him.

Thanks
D

Free2bmyself

Bill
Wow I can't believe all you have been through. I am sorry. Thank you for helping me see through the eyes of an ACOA. I need to remember my ex had no control of his childhood. Even though he does not listen to me I know I can still pray for him to get therapy. I would never say anything negative about my ex in front of our child. I come from a broken home where my dad talked negatively of my mom constantly. I will do whatever it takes to assure our don knows we both love him.

Thanks
D

dbh

I spent most of my adult life with men that were exactly like my father. They usually needed fixing and would frequently abandon me. I did end up marrying another ACA, but we actually balance each other and understand each other's quirks.

Having a parent who is an addict qualifies you as an ACA! Basically, anyone who grew up in a home with emotionally unavailable parents could have ACA traits. Alcoholism, drug addiction, and mental illness all create chaotic home environments.

Have you read through the stickies at the top of the forum? You may be able to relate to some of the material. Also, there are Al-Anon meetings in my area that have an adult child focus. I find them useful.

Thanks for posting your question.

db

tromboneliness

Seems to me we had this discussion a few weeks back. Someone who is abusive, manipulative, controlling, unfeeling -- these aren't really typical characteristics of an ACA, although it does happen that people repeat the abuse they saw in their family of origin. It sounds more like free2bemyself may have some of the ACA characteristics (having an addict parent) -- repeatedly latching onto relationships with people who are in need of "fixing," whom they can pity and rescue (see the Laundry List). Her ex may be an adult child, but that's not what's at work here -- he's something else... which also begins with an "A," but it would get starred out if we typed it....

T

Plath

I agree with what other members have said--yes, ACAs have been "programmed", so to speak, to either view themselves as victims, unconsciously seeking out those who will victimize us, make us feel crazy or worthless, etc.

Or, at the opposite end of the spectrum (it sounds like your husband has taken on these traits), we are capable of repeating the cycle of abuse that we learned from our families--verbal and/or physical abuse, bullying, shaming, "do as I say, not as I do" type behaviors.

Personally, I do a little of both. It has been hard for me sometimes to see my part in a situation, and I have been capable of blaming others for MY reaction to things that "trigger" me (things that remind me of my chaotic childhood experiences, and create an unreasonable response to something that would normally not be such a big deal for people who grew up in a healthy family environment).

I'm with dbh and others who have suggested that you may want to take a look at the stickies at the top of this forum page and see if you can identify with them.

I'm sorry that you've had to go through this, and I think it's great that you're posting on here.

I wish you the best of luck in protecting your child from his father's dysfunctional behavior, and I hope you find the answers you need on here.