Plath

Hi, I'm pretty new to ACA. I discovered it last year online, after finding out that I was finally pregnant (something my husband and I planned).

I realized that, in spite of attending other 12 step meetings for years, I still had a lot of learned behaviors that I didn't want to pass on to my son or affect my family with.
ACA seemed like a place where I could address my family of origin issues more fully, rather than focusing on surface issues that arose due to my childhood experiences.

My husband is also an ACoA, but I think it's harder for him to acknowledge it, and although it does affect his behavior, I will admit that it does so to a lesser degree than it does for me.

I've known for decades that my parents (and step-parents) were really dysfunctional people, and that their parents were even more so...but it's kind of a new concept for me to realize that, although I've known for about 15 years that my step-dad is a late-stage, chronic alcoholic, that alone qualifies me as an ACoA...not to mention the emotional and verbal cruelty that eventually crushed all self-worth I would have had.

I suppose that his alcoholism never made itself clearly apparent to me until I was in my early twenties and began tending bar for them at their business.

So, at any rate, the realization that ACA might be a good place for me not only because of the emotional trauma I experienced as a child, but because at least one of my parents is a serious alcoholic, is a new one for me.

I have a big red book that I peruse, and a couple of sites that I go to for ACA, but I'm still trying to gather the courage to go to my first face to face meeting. I have a lot of anxiety (I used to post on this forum years ago, on the anxiety board, and found it pretty helpful), so it takes a lot of guts for me to walk into a small room full of strangers at this point.

Bigger meetings were always better for me when I went to other 12 step meetings, and from what I can tell the ACA meetings here are kind of smaller...so, I'm trying to get my courage up.

Anyway, I thought I would introduce myself and say hi, and say thanks for being here. Even though we may not know each other in person, it's good to have people who can understand how I feel, my behaviors and triggers, and maybe some of my experiences as a child.



PS, I evidently chose this username back in 2008 when I was still fancying Sylvia Plath as some sort of obsessive, self-destructive role model...thankfully, we change over time if we're willing, but my username must stay the same.

Willybluedog

Plath,

So glad you are here, thank you so much for your contributions to my post on ACOA meetings, I really appreciate it.

I am also working up the courage to attend a group meeting, I do fine sharing on here and in therapy but I don't know how it will go with a group of strangers.

Hope everything works out for you, best of luck,

Bill

Plath

Thank you, Bill, and likewise!

Isn't it funny how we can be so fearful of going into a room full of people very similar to ourselves to talk about things that everyone can identify with on at least some level? I mean, it's not really funny, but it kind of is...and scary, too.

Personally, I can handle a big room full of a lot of people, provided I can go sit by myself somewhere if I want to.
A small room where everyone is sitting right next to each other makes me feel really uncomfortable...and I know from attending other 12 step meetings that the ACA meeting closest to me is in a very small, cramped space, yikes!

Best of luck to you as well, and thank you for your posts and your response.

dollydo

Fear can be paralyzing, and it is a self imposed emotion. As FDR said, "We have nothing to fear, but, fear itself."

Give it a shot, you nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Glad to meet you, keep posting!

Kialua

Ditto. I love big crowds, big cities, big churches, etc., for the same reason. But you can do this if you want...bring a book with to look at if need be.

Plath

Interestingly, fear does not feel like a self imposed emotion (at least it doesn't feel that way to me), and yes it can be very paralyzing.

Sometimes it rings true for me that my fear is self-imposed (although I would probably say that it's more like ingrained), but it's a very deep-rooted feeling for me.
I do a lot of beating on myself for being so fearful and having anxiety, so I try to go easy on myself about it.

Eventually, we all have to take small steps out of our comfort zones, but I think it's important to do so on a level that we can deal with...in our own time, in our own space so to speak.

As you say, Kialua, big crowds are so much easier to deal with (at least for me)! We'll see...

Plath

I really should add here that I've experienced a lot of intolerance (both from myself and from other people) for having anxiety and not liking to be in situations like small, cramped meetings, movie theaters, etc.

When I went to other 12 step meetings prior to finding ACA, I had a number of people in my life, including one sponsor (who I eventually had to fire, much to my dismay) who had absolutely no clue how panicked and powerless I felt when I went into such situations...or how much I have hated myself for being, in my own eyes, so weak.

They would push me to go places where I felt uncomfortable and filled with anxiety, and when I would try to go, I would end up just hating myself more because I had not been able to overcome the feelings of anxiety.

So I stopped doing things that exacerbated those feelings, but the people around me still pushed, and seemed to have absolutely no sympathy for how I felt. I was somewhat appalled by how intolerant I found people who were supposed to be practicing tolerance, and how much blame they seemed to place on me for having anxiety (something that I absolutely have to take medication for).

Anyhoo, as anyone reading this can probably tell, it's easy for me to feel as though I'm being pressured to go to meetings, or to places/situations where I generally feel a lot of anxiety...

So, I'm sorry if anyone has inadvertently stepped over one of my triggers and I am coming across as on the defensive, but this is definitely a trigger for me!

Thank you all so much for being here, and for your support.

Plath

Eeep! I feel like what I just posted sounds like a rant, which isn't what I had intended. I just felt that I should be courteous enough to offer a bit of my history, in case I came off as defensive, which I don't want to do.

Thanks again, everyone.

tromboneliness

Not to add to the pressure to go to a meeting -- but keep in mind that there's no rule that says you can't show up at a meeting, listen, and not say a word (although most meetings have everyone introduce him/herself by first name). I do that a lot myself -- most recently, last night! :-D

T

DesertEyes

No worries, Plath The management of SR goes to a great deal of trouble to maintain respect for everybody. As a result you will find that SR has attracted a very high caliber of members.

As far as other programs in real life, well, those are all "self-help" programs. That means that nobody there has any kind of professional training. They are all just regular people trying to find their own way thru their own hardships.

The _offical_ view of AA on the matter of medications is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with them. As long as they are not misused.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iew-na-aa.html

Thanks for the explanation, Plath, and feel free to rant all you want. The reason we are all here is because we all have our own rants and triggers. Triggers is the one thing you will never have to explain to us ACoA's

Here is the way I see it.

The programs for chemical addictions; AA, NA, etc. need to be "pushy" because the addicts are in danger of dying, and rather quickly at that. They are also in danger of killing family members, or innocent bystanders.

The programs for family members; Al-anon, Nar-anon, are much less pushy because the family members are not in danger of killing anybody in the immediate future.

The programs for survivors; ACoA, ISA are completely non-pushy because the members are dealing with the fallout of living in an overwhelming, abusive nightmare.

Each of the above "issues" needs a different approach. Those of us who qualify for more than one "program" have to adapt those programs to our own needs and make use of them in our own "recipe" of recovery.

Mike

Plath

Thank you all so much for your support and understanding!

It's so nice to feel like I'm in a safe place where it's okay for me to make mistakes, occasionally act out on my issues (as they're apparently not going to evaporate overnight), apologize if necessary, and not be judged too harshly.

The more I examine my issues and triggers, the more horrified I am feeling, just within the last 24 hours or so...it seems like sometimes, when we're ready and willing to address certain issues, it's almost like a flood gate is let open; the little hidden behaviors, ways of controlling others, etc., become suddenly visible after being invisible but right in front of us, causing us to trip and fumble for years.

I say "horrified", because I can only guess at how much diligence it will take for me to maintain awareness of these behaviors and try to catch myself when I am acting out on them. Eeek!

So, thank you all again for your patience and understanding. I am so happy that I found this site, and the supportive people who use it.

bluebelle

Welcome!!

ACOAHappyNow

Welcome! I'm glad you are here! I struggle with anxiety too.

micealc

You are great to come back...plath.
We would all love to get that magic word,
that would help us RELAX.......oh I hate that word.

Help me to be Calmer....thats it.

The Skills I need to Live Today are In ACOA.