Exhausted by my Mother
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: UK
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Exhausted by my Mother
Hello everyone,
I'm new here, and hope I'm in the right place. I'm a guy of 24, and live at home with my mother and elder brother. My mother is an alcoholic, and has been sober for about 7 weeks. My Dad died nearly three years ago, and since then my mum's drinking became really bad, with binges getting closer together, and increasing in quantity.
I have had to ring for ambulances in the middle of the night for her on countless occasions, buy her alcohol at her request, though I hated doing so, but she would tell me she could have fatal withdrawals if I didn't. I am sick with worry all the time that she will relapse.
I can't turn to my brother for help because he has mental health issues, and I feel embarrassed at confiding in my mates. My mother is in AA now, but she doesn't go as often as she should, and I usually have to push her.
She also suffers from clinical depression, which makes her spend a lot of the day in bed.
Although she is sober now, she texts me repeatedly throughout the day to bring her things like food, her handbag, or just to talk. I don't feel I can just go out for a walk without hearing the ping of my mobile phone going off with some new request.
I know she gets very worried if I or my brother are out - she is terrified we are going to die like our father, but sometimes I feel like I am suffocating. I feel horrible writing this, because I really love my mother, she is a great person, kind and supportive, and I know how much she is grieving for my dad.
It's just that I feel I haven't had much chance to feel my own grief, and I feel too young to know how to carry my mother sometimes. But I think she would fall apart completely if I left home.
I'd be very grateful if anyone has any advice they could give me.
Thank you
I'm new here, and hope I'm in the right place. I'm a guy of 24, and live at home with my mother and elder brother. My mother is an alcoholic, and has been sober for about 7 weeks. My Dad died nearly three years ago, and since then my mum's drinking became really bad, with binges getting closer together, and increasing in quantity.
I have had to ring for ambulances in the middle of the night for her on countless occasions, buy her alcohol at her request, though I hated doing so, but she would tell me she could have fatal withdrawals if I didn't. I am sick with worry all the time that she will relapse.
I can't turn to my brother for help because he has mental health issues, and I feel embarrassed at confiding in my mates. My mother is in AA now, but she doesn't go as often as she should, and I usually have to push her.
She also suffers from clinical depression, which makes her spend a lot of the day in bed.
Although she is sober now, she texts me repeatedly throughout the day to bring her things like food, her handbag, or just to talk. I don't feel I can just go out for a walk without hearing the ping of my mobile phone going off with some new request.
I know she gets very worried if I or my brother are out - she is terrified we are going to die like our father, but sometimes I feel like I am suffocating. I feel horrible writing this, because I really love my mother, she is a great person, kind and supportive, and I know how much she is grieving for my dad.
It's just that I feel I haven't had much chance to feel my own grief, and I feel too young to know how to carry my mother sometimes. But I think she would fall apart completely if I left home.
I'd be very grateful if anyone has any advice they could give me.
Thank you
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Have you spoken to you mom (or thought about for yourself) a grief counselor? It sounds as if she could use some help there, although I wouldn't hold out hope that it will fix all the problems, since many of them existed prior to your dad dying (and my condolences there).
As for your mom, she is an adult. She is making decisions and choices that are not your decisions or choices. If you protect her from the outcome of those decisions/choices/behaviors, you are doing her no favors at all. She will never have the opportunity to learn because she will never have to deal with the fallout from it.
At this stage, the best thing you can do for yourself is take care of YOU. YOUR needs must come first, or your mom will drag you into her own pit. It sounds like your pit is icky enough - you don't need to wallow in hers as well.
If you haven't heard of the 3c's before, I'd like to present them to you:
You didn't Cause it; you can't Control it; you can't Cure it.
The only person on this earth that you can change is you. And you're spot on: you need a chance to deal with your own grief. Being perpetually focused on your mom will prevent you from moving through the natural stages of grieving. And you may find that you need to grieve for both your parents - the one who died from luekemia and is gone from this physical world, and the one who is gone, yet still resides in this physical world.
I am terribly sorry to hear what you're dealing with. Others should be along soon to offer you more support (this forum can be rather quiet on weekends)
As for your mom, she is an adult. She is making decisions and choices that are not your decisions or choices. If you protect her from the outcome of those decisions/choices/behaviors, you are doing her no favors at all. She will never have the opportunity to learn because she will never have to deal with the fallout from it.
At this stage, the best thing you can do for yourself is take care of YOU. YOUR needs must come first, or your mom will drag you into her own pit. It sounds like your pit is icky enough - you don't need to wallow in hers as well.
If you haven't heard of the 3c's before, I'd like to present them to you:
You didn't Cause it; you can't Control it; you can't Cure it.
The only person on this earth that you can change is you. And you're spot on: you need a chance to deal with your own grief. Being perpetually focused on your mom will prevent you from moving through the natural stages of grieving. And you may find that you need to grieve for both your parents - the one who died from luekemia and is gone from this physical world, and the one who is gone, yet still resides in this physical world.
I am terribly sorry to hear what you're dealing with. Others should be along soon to offer you more support (this forum can be rather quiet on weekends)
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
You are at the beginning of a long journey you must make to be healthy. I am so sorry this is happening to you, it's not fair is it? You live in such chaos, I know. But you must take care of yourself. Your mother is an adult and she will have to face her own consequences. You are not responsible for her choices. She will have to either choose to remain sober or suffer the consequences. You are not to pick up the pieces. Yes honor and love her but you are not her errand runner and supporter. When you need to go out turn off your pager, or you must learn to ignore it. Tell her you will not be answering. Try going silent for longer and longer each time if you need to work at it to train her.
If she creates drama to try to blame you, do not accept it. If she feels she is in danger when you are out tell her to call for an ambulance or the police and then let her. My Mom always created drama with lies about her health. I got sucked into her drama and would take her here and there only to find out time after time she was fine. She finally got to the point of taking a taxi to the hospital. But that's just my Mom. Yours might be different and in actual bad health but that is still her responsibility and not yours every time you go out.
If she creates drama to try to blame you, do not accept it. If she feels she is in danger when you are out tell her to call for an ambulance or the police and then let her. My Mom always created drama with lies about her health. I got sucked into her drama and would take her here and there only to find out time after time she was fine. She finally got to the point of taking a taxi to the hospital. But that's just my Mom. Yours might be different and in actual bad health but that is still her responsibility and not yours every time you go out.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
It sounds like you need to have some boundaries with your mom. You could tell her that you will bring her something, but she has to tell you before you leave the house--that you won't accept any texts, or something like that.
It is not up to you to hold your mom together. She has to take care of herself, and you take care of yourself. I'm in a similar relationship with my mom. For a long time, I felt responble for her and guity if I wasn't taking care of her. It took me awhile to realize that she was responsible for all of her actions and her own happiness.
I hope you can find a balance in your life with this issue. It took me a long time to realize it. Over the years, I have learned that she has gotten herself into the situations she is in. I have also learned to let go some. It isn't easy, but it can get easier with practice and time.
It is not up to you to hold your mom together. She has to take care of herself, and you take care of yourself. I'm in a similar relationship with my mom. For a long time, I felt responble for her and guity if I wasn't taking care of her. It took me awhile to realize that she was responsible for all of her actions and her own happiness.
I hope you can find a balance in your life with this issue. It took me a long time to realize it. Over the years, I have learned that she has gotten herself into the situations she is in. I have also learned to let go some. It isn't easy, but it can get easier with practice and time.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Oh yea, my mom is also full of drama about her health. I have gotten to where I won't listen to her go on and on about her health problems. I will change the subject and not acknowledge her latest ailment.
You can suggest she go to a counselor for mental health issues. I had to keep telling my mom that I wasn't her psychiatrist, and couldn't make her happy. I also have to remind her that I'm not her doctor, and I'm not talking to her for a health consultation. It is challenging!!
You can suggest she go to a counselor for mental health issues. I had to keep telling my mom that I wasn't her psychiatrist, and couldn't make her happy. I also have to remind her that I'm not her doctor, and I'm not talking to her for a health consultation. It is challenging!!
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I had to keep telling my mom that I wasn't her psychiatrist, and couldn't make her happy.
One day my mom asked if I had a referral to a good therapist after I offered. I told her yes, that I'd looked one up before the arrest because I wanted to be prepared if my mom needed one. She then told me to make the appointment. I had to go with her for the first several (partly to teach her how to drive there and partly because she was scared to death) but she went. I held her hand (literally) in the waiting room. And she liked it.
She's now learned how to get there (she still gets lost coming home) and she makes her own appointments and she looks forward to them. I never thought she'd ever agree, but I always used the same line with her over and over. I guess after a while, she got so used to hearing that line (which is a non-answer) that she figured the only way she was going to get to talk about what she wanted to talk about was by seeing the therapist. Actually, I have no idea what went through her head before she asked me to, but she asked, and I did. It took a good bit of effort on the front end, but it's paid off handsomely in the long run!
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
So next, you get her a GPS
The joys of dementia. She has, since my dad's arrest, learned how to do email (mostly, she still replies to the wrong people), use google contacts, use google calendars and use her Droid to access both calendar and contacts, along with the phone itself. The GPS feature? She uses it for the map feature (that shows her where it thinks she is), but she hasn't figured out how to make it give her directions and she seems highly resistant to the idea of it. I'll take what I can get - if she's even willing to use the map, that's a huge start.
I work with what I've got
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 52
Is there anyway you can get some distance from her?
When my Mum is binging I don't call her, I don't go over, I have no contact with her at all.
It got to the point for me that the end of the binges were when I travelled 300 miles to be with her, I'd tidy up her house, she is very house proud when she is sober, I'd make her wash, I'd listen to her go on and on and on, and I really thought if I don't help her she will just not stop drinking, but she has to do it by herself. Your Mum will no fall apart, if she thinks she can get away with it she will.
Even if you have a friend you can stay with for a little while, not only will it do your Mum good to realise there are consequences it will do you the world of good.
Then if she texts just reply with, I love you, and I'll speak to you when you are well again.
That's what I do x x x
When my Mum is binging I don't call her, I don't go over, I have no contact with her at all.
It got to the point for me that the end of the binges were when I travelled 300 miles to be with her, I'd tidy up her house, she is very house proud when she is sober, I'd make her wash, I'd listen to her go on and on and on, and I really thought if I don't help her she will just not stop drinking, but she has to do it by herself. Your Mum will no fall apart, if she thinks she can get away with it she will.
Even if you have a friend you can stay with for a little while, not only will it do your Mum good to realise there are consequences it will do you the world of good.
Then if she texts just reply with, I love you, and I'll speak to you when you are well again.
That's what I do x x x
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