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Wanting to disappear! Kinda Long

Old 12-29-2011, 10:03 AM
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Wanting to disappear! Kinda Long

I keep having this recurring thought (maybe I should say dream) of moving to another country, changing my name and disappearing from everyone but my husband. But I know that isnít a reality.
My father was an abusive alcoholic and drug addict and died in 2003 of a drug overdose.
My mom was in a bad motorcycle accident 19 years ago when I was 10 and it did a lot of damage mentally. My sister is an alcoholic. My mother in law used to be what I wanted to be if I ever have kids. She was a great mother and friend, even to me! I say was because my father in law died almost 3 years ago from cancer and she has lost touch with reality. She will not seek help and is not the person she used to be. I know you canít go through something like that and remain unchanged but now she has joined my pain without even knowing it.
The problem is I really really want to tell them to lose my phone number and that I disown them. I have had enough. My mom is so angry at my sister for what she has become and will not listen to me when I try to point out some obvious things that she does as a result to our childhood that I have learned through my own recovery. I do it without blame to her! I mean most of the horrid stuff happened when she was in a coma for 3 months and my father took care of us so it isnít in any way her fault. Sheís angry at my father and hates him. and I mean that in the truest of the statement. I donít know how to deal with these people. I have worked very hard to pick myself up and move on to be happy, but itís short lived. And when Iím around them, afterwards I am a mess for weeks. Christmas day I went into full blown anxiety attacks after being around everyone and my husband just doesnít understand. Yesterday I was really sad and cried all day. Today Iím angry! My dr says limit contact with them, distance yourself from them. and no matter how much I want to do that I canít.
And Iím trying to figure out why on earth I canít say something when someone says something that is way out of line. Especially when itís to me/about me? I am so mad at myself for not blowing up on those people who deserve it for their cold useless words. My dr says next time someone says something to you that hurts tell them as nice as you can how much they hurt you. and I think to myself she canít be serious! My husband was really upset when I told him about his momís careless rude comment and wanted to say something to her about it but I wouldnít allow it because he was angry and I didnít want him to hurt her. now what kind of sense does that make? Absolutely none!
Iím just really frustrated and I feel like no one gets it. I tried talking it out with a friend and she said just ignore them donít let it get to you. itís just not that simple!
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Old 12-29-2011, 11:19 AM
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I have a fantasy of moving to New Zealand. I know it is just a fantasy, but sometimes, retreating into a fantasy can be healing (just don't live in the fantasy, that makes you delusional).

Disentangling your emotions from those nearest to you is incredibly difficult. If I had to guess, I would guess that part of you still really very badly WANTS there to be a different outcome. You really WANT there to be peace in the family. You may, possibly unconsciously, still hope that something will change and the people can give you what you want.

And what you need. That's part two. I would also guess that you have bucket loads of unmet needs. The people who can meet those needs? Actually can't. They don't have the ability to, and are likely to never have the ability to. So you still chase after them in hopes that maybe this time, they'll be able to fill that need.

Identifying your needs is also not an easy process - the need is often layered deeply down underneath all the other stuff that has accumulated over the years. I made a list once of what I considered my most basic needs. Rather than trying to identify what needs weren't being met, my list was comprised of simply what my needs were: to be loved, to be respected, to be treated with dignity, to not be diminished/put down/accused, to be useful, to be kind, etc. I took the more "outside in" approach to identifying my needs.

Once I'd identified them, then when I got frustrated at (pick a person), I would go down my list to see if one of my needs wasn't being met. Pretty much every time, there was at least one (and often more) needs that weren't being met.

Those unmet needs are like leashes - they keep you tethered to the people who you hope will meet them. The key to untethering yourself from them is to find ways to meet your needs without needing those particular people to do so. This, for me, meant sitting down with my list and saying "If I was the last person on earth, and only had myself, how could I meet my own needs?" There are some needs that can only be met by other people (socialization, affection, touch etc), but they don't have to be met by THOSE people - others can meet those needs too.

So I took each need and began to try to find a way to meet it either on my own, or through people I trusted. I became closer to my mother in law and her partner. I reached out to friends. I intentionally set out to be kinder to others than they were to me - because none of us know what's going on in someone else's head, and that kindness was repaid countless times over, by strangers or bare acquaintances.

I don't know if any of this helped, but I found that that was what kept me entangled in the never-ending cycle of frustration. Once I found ways to meet my needs that didn't involve family members, life became much more enjoyable.
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Old 12-29-2011, 12:35 PM
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My fantasy was to move to Hawaii and even got a few job potentials but my husband wouldn't go for it. I understand the desire to just vanish and be a new person all alone somewhere new without all the baggage. But that is not reality is it? I also understand the frustration when someone says something totally uncalled for and rude. I am so stunned I can't answer back and at the time I think discretion is the better part of valor. But then I steam about it later. I too wish I would just say back, "That's rude". For me I had to dig deep and forgive. I know it sounds trite and preachy but it worked for me. Good luck.
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Old 12-29-2011, 12:50 PM
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GingerM- You're right! I never thought about it that way but I want a different outcome with my sister then I got with my father. None of them ever meet my needs. My mom never ever wants to talk about anything but what my sister is doing or not doing. My sister just calls when she needs something. Thank you for that! (:

Kialua- I thought about Hawaii too! I will try forgiving! I know I take everything to heart.
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Old 12-29-2011, 01:18 PM
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In my experience the only one who can meet your needs is you and your Higher Power. I have long ago given up trying to get my needs met by others, especially my dysfunctional family LOL.
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Old 12-29-2011, 01:44 PM
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Originally Posted by GingerM View Post


Those unmet needs are like leashes - they keep you tethered to the people who you hope will meet them.
.
Ginger said it all. For me, it keeps me in the cycle of dysfunction....I keep replaying it trying to get someone who cannot/will not meet my needs...usually the unspoken ones to boot.
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Old 12-30-2011, 06:36 AM
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I've moved several times -- and it doesn't work! The problem is that no matter where you go, your brain goes with you!

I try to disengage with my relatives as much as possible -- the main method being not to answer the phone, take forever to call back, and generally don't jump when they say "boo" -- and when they invite me to something, e.g., a holiday, tell them I already got an invite from someone else.

Good luck!

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Old 12-30-2011, 09:57 AM
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I try to stay away as much as I can for my own sanity. Seems like since my mom learned to text she just goes on and on! but I am learning and trying something new. If I don't want to deal with what she texts I just don't answer. So far it's working And here I thought texting was cool........I changed my mind
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Old 12-30-2011, 10:01 AM
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And I wanna say thank you!!! Being able to come here and see I am not alone just makes life that much easier! This is my little slice of heaven!
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Old 12-30-2011, 12:38 PM
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I say follow your dr's advice and limit contact. I've gone for periods of no contact for as much as a year with my AM and much longer with my AF. Now, I am in limited contact with AM.

You don't have to put yourself through the anxiety of Christmas, or any other time. You don't have to focus on your sister's mess, or what your mom is saying about it. You have your own life and you can make your own traditions. You can create a family around you that involves your friends. You can find the people you want to spend time with, and spend time with them. You aren't required to spend time with family or talk to them just because they are blood relatives.

I understand the moving away thing. I have tried it before, too. I haven't gone to anotehr country, but I have gone across to other states. One of my friends put it very well. He said that no matter where you move, you still have to deal with yourself. He had moved from the west coast to the east coast!

He was right. I moved about 4 years ago. There are advantages of the new place, but I still have to deal with myself. Moving isn't a magic cure. My RABF thought that moving would help him with his drug addiction, and relapsed after about 9 months. He's in recovery now, but it took him a while to realize he couldn't just run away from the addiction. In my new town, I have a psychiatrist to help me. I certainly wasn't able to run away with my problems with depression and anxiety.
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