Dealing with denial
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Dealing with denial
I have been meeting with my new therapist and one of the issues we have been discussing is my mothers denials. She says, I am not an alcoholic, you were not beaten as a child, there is not an abuse/incest problem in our family, etc.
Forgiveness and letting go of anger are two huge issues in my recovery, I forgave my dad because he owned up to the horriffic beatings and verbal abuse, I have moved to a point of indifference where my moms drinking and self destruction is concerned, but I am still severely pissed about her denials as to my abuse.
How do you deal with denial?
Thanks,
Bill
Forgiveness and letting go of anger are two huge issues in my recovery, I forgave my dad because he owned up to the horriffic beatings and verbal abuse, I have moved to a point of indifference where my moms drinking and self destruction is concerned, but I am still severely pissed about her denials as to my abuse.
How do you deal with denial?
Thanks,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: England
Posts: 116
Your post caught my eye today,
This too was a problem for me-my mother's denial about how abusive she and other's were to me in my FO,my mother unlike yours was not the A,but she was a very sick person, very toxic,she traingled all my siblings against me,
She my mother is now dead, and never ever apologised to me,
The subject of my mother comes up on quite a regular basis with my sister,she is quite closed off about that I was ever abused as a child,I just say to her now ,'I know my own truth' and I stay with that.
I have a theory on my mother,her upbringing when she was a child wasnt good,she didnt know how parent children,she actually told me one time she should have never had children.Also I dont think she would have ever apologised for not keeping me safe ,because then it would have reflected on her so bad ,and I dont think she would have been able to cope with that.In my opinion it would have sent her quite mad.She always had to keep face.
I just say to myself now-a-days,she just didnt have the tools to parent,I was fed ,clothed and had shelter,and I'll just thank her for that,so I suppose that's getting to a somewhat point of forgiveness on my part.
As for my sister,I just keep repeating that 'I know my own truth',as I know what happened to me and it wasnt a dream or something I made up.I am getting to a point of not being angry about it all now.But it did linger with me for a lot of years
Thank you for letting me share,all my best wishes
This too was a problem for me-my mother's denial about how abusive she and other's were to me in my FO,my mother unlike yours was not the A,but she was a very sick person, very toxic,she traingled all my siblings against me,
She my mother is now dead, and never ever apologised to me,
The subject of my mother comes up on quite a regular basis with my sister,she is quite closed off about that I was ever abused as a child,I just say to her now ,'I know my own truth' and I stay with that.
I have a theory on my mother,her upbringing when she was a child wasnt good,she didnt know how parent children,she actually told me one time she should have never had children.Also I dont think she would have ever apologised for not keeping me safe ,because then it would have reflected on her so bad ,and I dont think she would have been able to cope with that.In my opinion it would have sent her quite mad.She always had to keep face.
I just say to myself now-a-days,she just didnt have the tools to parent,I was fed ,clothed and had shelter,and I'll just thank her for that,so I suppose that's getting to a somewhat point of forgiveness on my part.
As for my sister,I just keep repeating that 'I know my own truth',as I know what happened to me and it wasnt a dream or something I made up.I am getting to a point of not being angry about it all now.But it did linger with me for a lot of years
Thank you for letting me share,all my best wishes
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
jOSE2,
Thanks for your reply,
You know I wonder why my mother did not have the tools, she was raised in a loving home.
I think part of it is because she never loved my dad, her parents loved my dad, so I think she married him to make them happy, plus she knew he would be a good provider and she would never want for anything, she started cheating on him right after they were married and it went downhill from there.
My wife says my mother is not mentally capable of admitting to all the bad things that happened and I should do my best to forgive her and move on.
I just about get there and then her head opens up, the snakes come out, and she says the most outrageous things, I try hard to limit my contact with her, but if I want to spend time with my dad I have to tolerate her for limited periods.
Hopefully my therapist will teach me some tools to work my way through this.
Thanks again for sharing, I really appreciate it,
Bill
Thanks for your reply,
You know I wonder why my mother did not have the tools, she was raised in a loving home.
I think part of it is because she never loved my dad, her parents loved my dad, so I think she married him to make them happy, plus she knew he would be a good provider and she would never want for anything, she started cheating on him right after they were married and it went downhill from there.
My wife says my mother is not mentally capable of admitting to all the bad things that happened and I should do my best to forgive her and move on.
I just about get there and then her head opens up, the snakes come out, and she says the most outrageous things, I try hard to limit my contact with her, but if I want to spend time with my dad I have to tolerate her for limited periods.
Hopefully my therapist will teach me some tools to work my way through this.
Thanks again for sharing, I really appreciate it,
Bill
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
I sort of lump denial, codependency, and addiction into the same category. I believe that they all are used to cover up pain.
I once read a great quote about denial being a security blanket and how you can't just rip off someone's security blanket if they're not ready because they will die in the cold without it.
I have stopped trying or even hoping that the rest of my family of origin will see things the way that I see them. They need their denial to survive.
The alcoholic in my life, my father, has already passed away. He never truly apologized either. He developed dementia near the end of his life. He was so fragile and helpless at the end, it got easier for me to be around him and it was also easier for me to forgive him. Forgiving was truly a gift to myself. It was a slow and sometimes painful process, but it gave me a lot of peace. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off me.
I also think it's easier to forgive someone when they are no longer hurting you.
My father held onto his denial and blame until the end. A couple times he said that he thought God was punishing him for all the bad things he had done. That's the closest he came to acknowledgement.
Usually he would tell people what a close family he had and what a great father he was to his children. This would infuriate my mother (his ex-wife who primarily raised us alone). I think the truth would have been too painful for him to acknowledge.
Part of forgiveness, for me, was accepting that I was never going to get the father that I always wanted. He stopped drinking at the end, but his dementia was so bad he wasn't really there. The grief that I felt about giving up the "dream father" was worse than the pain that I felt when he actually died.
I guess I first grieved for the father that I never had and then figured out how to eventually grieve for the father that I got.
What's amazing is that I actually miss him in a strange way.
Thank you for sharing and for letting me share.
Good luck with your new therapist!
Fondly,
db
I once read a great quote about denial being a security blanket and how you can't just rip off someone's security blanket if they're not ready because they will die in the cold without it.
I have stopped trying or even hoping that the rest of my family of origin will see things the way that I see them. They need their denial to survive.
The alcoholic in my life, my father, has already passed away. He never truly apologized either. He developed dementia near the end of his life. He was so fragile and helpless at the end, it got easier for me to be around him and it was also easier for me to forgive him. Forgiving was truly a gift to myself. It was a slow and sometimes painful process, but it gave me a lot of peace. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off me.
I also think it's easier to forgive someone when they are no longer hurting you.
My father held onto his denial and blame until the end. A couple times he said that he thought God was punishing him for all the bad things he had done. That's the closest he came to acknowledgement.
Usually he would tell people what a close family he had and what a great father he was to his children. This would infuriate my mother (his ex-wife who primarily raised us alone). I think the truth would have been too painful for him to acknowledge.
Part of forgiveness, for me, was accepting that I was never going to get the father that I always wanted. He stopped drinking at the end, but his dementia was so bad he wasn't really there. The grief that I felt about giving up the "dream father" was worse than the pain that I felt when he actually died.
I guess I first grieved for the father that I never had and then figured out how to eventually grieve for the father that I got.
What's amazing is that I actually miss him in a strange way.
Thank you for sharing and for letting me share.
Good luck with your new therapist!
Fondly,
db
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: -
Posts: 118
I read somewhere in the Al-Anon literature that forgiving was cutting the tie/string that binds. I have lots of baggage, but holding onto to it just hurts me some more, so in order to be free I need to forgive. I don't do it out loud or to the other person. I need to do it to help me have inner peace and serenity.
Keeping hold of it just makes me sick literally. I think it was desert eyes that explained so clearly about forgiveness being releasing a debt like a bank releasing someone from a debt, but its still owed.
I probably botched it, but maybe he'll be along to say it more clearly or maybe a search?
Keeping hold of it just makes me sick literally. I think it was desert eyes that explained so clearly about forgiveness being releasing a debt like a bank releasing someone from a debt, but its still owed.
I probably botched it, but maybe he'll be along to say it more clearly or maybe a search?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Willy, and thanks everybody for this thread.
* thanks for the lovely compliment, cymbal
*
What happened to me is that I became very angry at my parents for all the stuff they did to me, and for all the loving parenting they did _not_ do. I realized that they had awful childhoods of their own, but that intelectual understanding did not change my feelings.
My problem is that I was using the wrong version of the word "Forgiveness". Recovery has taught that as I child I learned how to deal with the world while living in a horribly toxic environment. Part of the "toxic" stuff I absorbe was the definitions of words.
Words like "love", "happiness", "help", and "forgiveness" I learned from _them_. The crazy, toxic people. When I grew up I still had those incorrect definitions stuck to me like parasites. I had to learn the _real_ definition of those words, which I did by listening to people in meetings, reading recovery literature, and a couple good therapists.
"Forgiveness" in the healthy world does _not_ mean to pretend it never happened. Does _not_ mean that it is all over and we can start over like it never happened. That is _not_ forgiveness, that is "absolution".
Absolution is what I do when a two year old child breaks a glass of milk. I pick up the spilled milk, pick up the broken pieces of glass, remind myself not to do something as foolish as hand a two year old a glass and go find a plastic cup with a lid.
I don't ask the child to clean up the mess, or to pay for the glass and milk. I absolve the child for responsibility over the broken glass.
Forgiveness is what a bank does when they lend money to a loser who won't pay it back. The bank looks at the cost of taking the loser to court, of having the sherriffs deliver a subpoena, of getting an order for garnishing wages, then following the guy around all over the country trying to get a few bucks out of the wages. If it costs too much to do all that the bank just says "forget it", it's not cost-effective.
The bank forgives the loan, but they do _not_ absolve the loser of responsibility. The guys credit is trashed, the bank will _never_ lend him money again, they will black-list him with all the other banks. The bank is protecting itself from further losses, as well as being wise with their operating costs.
My parents were no different than that loser. They were _never_ going to "grow up" and become responsible people. They were never going to acknowledge the harm they did. For me to expect them to change is just as foolish as a bank chasing a loser for too small a loan.
I forgave my parents the debt they owed me. They owed me a childhood, but I was _never_ going to get paid back. So I quit trying. Instead I made my _own_ childhood. I took lessons in juggling, I bought a bicycle, I took classis in clowning and even ran a small troupe for a couple years. I learned how to do magic tricks ( ok, I really suck at this, but it was fun ). I take myself out to the national parks when I can afford it and take pictures. I do all the things I wish my parents had done for me when I was a child.
I even have a dozen kids toy's that other members of ACoA have given me as we all build our own childhoods.
That deep, ugly hatred I had towards my parents just evaporated. Not all in one day, it took a couple years of ACoA work. But once it was gone they were no longer "parents". They were just ordinary people who happened to be the accident of my conception. I was able to look at them objectively for the first time in my life and what I saw was two very sad, very lonely people. They were seriously messed up in the head from all the abuse they endured as children.
Except they did not _want_ to heal. They were not like the other people in my ACoA meets, or in AA or Al-anon. They were perfectly comfortable sitting in their dysfunction. I did not feel any anger towards them, a bit of sadness for the life they _could_ have had and never did, but nothing else.
Once I got to know them as they really were and not as I _hoped_ they would become I realized they were not particularly nice people, and I much preffered not to associate with them.
At that moment I realized how much time and life I had wasted being angry at them, expecting them to change and make _me_ happy as a result. I forgave them the childhood they owed me, because I had better things to do with my life. I did _not_ absolve them, I told my father that if he ever set foot in the same _State_ of the country in which my children lived I'd call the parole officer on him so fast it would make his head spin. I quit taking their calls, tossed their mail in the trash and went on with my life.
They died some years ago, as a result of too much drinking and smoking. I felt bad for them, their lives were so miserable for no reason, but that was it.
Today I have a great life. I have tons of friends all over the country, I have enjoyed a fantastic career that has given me a huge sense of acomplishment, I have had the honor of being a part in the recovery and the lives of more people than I can count. I've been married to one of the most wonderful women in the world, and dated some rather spectacular ones as well. I have had a life better than I ever imagined. A big part of that was being able to build my _own_ childhood and "let go" of the expectation that my biological parents would change.
Ok, so my health sucks, the economy has destroyed my finances, my employer is laying me off next February, but that's just the speed bumps of reality. The important things in life I have enjoyed by the bucket load. But only because I was willing to do all this recovery "stuff", instead of hanging on to the dysfunction the way my parents did.
Forgiveness is not absolution. Forgiveness is letting go of the expectation that people who have no interest in changing will somehow, magically, change.
Mike
* thanks for the lovely compliment, cymbal
*What happened to me is that I became very angry at my parents for all the stuff they did to me, and for all the loving parenting they did _not_ do. I realized that they had awful childhoods of their own, but that intelectual understanding did not change my feelings.
My problem is that I was using the wrong version of the word "Forgiveness". Recovery has taught that as I child I learned how to deal with the world while living in a horribly toxic environment. Part of the "toxic" stuff I absorbe was the definitions of words.
Words like "love", "happiness", "help", and "forgiveness" I learned from _them_. The crazy, toxic people. When I grew up I still had those incorrect definitions stuck to me like parasites. I had to learn the _real_ definition of those words, which I did by listening to people in meetings, reading recovery literature, and a couple good therapists.
"Forgiveness" in the healthy world does _not_ mean to pretend it never happened. Does _not_ mean that it is all over and we can start over like it never happened. That is _not_ forgiveness, that is "absolution".
Absolution is what I do when a two year old child breaks a glass of milk. I pick up the spilled milk, pick up the broken pieces of glass, remind myself not to do something as foolish as hand a two year old a glass and go find a plastic cup with a lid.
I don't ask the child to clean up the mess, or to pay for the glass and milk. I absolve the child for responsibility over the broken glass.
Forgiveness is what a bank does when they lend money to a loser who won't pay it back. The bank looks at the cost of taking the loser to court, of having the sherriffs deliver a subpoena, of getting an order for garnishing wages, then following the guy around all over the country trying to get a few bucks out of the wages. If it costs too much to do all that the bank just says "forget it", it's not cost-effective.
The bank forgives the loan, but they do _not_ absolve the loser of responsibility. The guys credit is trashed, the bank will _never_ lend him money again, they will black-list him with all the other banks. The bank is protecting itself from further losses, as well as being wise with their operating costs.
My parents were no different than that loser. They were _never_ going to "grow up" and become responsible people. They were never going to acknowledge the harm they did. For me to expect them to change is just as foolish as a bank chasing a loser for too small a loan.
I forgave my parents the debt they owed me. They owed me a childhood, but I was _never_ going to get paid back. So I quit trying. Instead I made my _own_ childhood. I took lessons in juggling, I bought a bicycle, I took classis in clowning and even ran a small troupe for a couple years. I learned how to do magic tricks ( ok, I really suck at this, but it was fun ). I take myself out to the national parks when I can afford it and take pictures. I do all the things I wish my parents had done for me when I was a child.
I even have a dozen kids toy's that other members of ACoA have given me as we all build our own childhoods.
That deep, ugly hatred I had towards my parents just evaporated. Not all in one day, it took a couple years of ACoA work. But once it was gone they were no longer "parents". They were just ordinary people who happened to be the accident of my conception. I was able to look at them objectively for the first time in my life and what I saw was two very sad, very lonely people. They were seriously messed up in the head from all the abuse they endured as children.
Except they did not _want_ to heal. They were not like the other people in my ACoA meets, or in AA or Al-anon. They were perfectly comfortable sitting in their dysfunction. I did not feel any anger towards them, a bit of sadness for the life they _could_ have had and never did, but nothing else.
Once I got to know them as they really were and not as I _hoped_ they would become I realized they were not particularly nice people, and I much preffered not to associate with them.
At that moment I realized how much time and life I had wasted being angry at them, expecting them to change and make _me_ happy as a result. I forgave them the childhood they owed me, because I had better things to do with my life. I did _not_ absolve them, I told my father that if he ever set foot in the same _State_ of the country in which my children lived I'd call the parole officer on him so fast it would make his head spin. I quit taking their calls, tossed their mail in the trash and went on with my life.
They died some years ago, as a result of too much drinking and smoking. I felt bad for them, their lives were so miserable for no reason, but that was it.
Today I have a great life. I have tons of friends all over the country, I have enjoyed a fantastic career that has given me a huge sense of acomplishment, I have had the honor of being a part in the recovery and the lives of more people than I can count. I've been married to one of the most wonderful women in the world, and dated some rather spectacular ones as well. I have had a life better than I ever imagined. A big part of that was being able to build my _own_ childhood and "let go" of the expectation that my biological parents would change.
Ok, so my health sucks, the economy has destroyed my finances, my employer is laying me off next February, but that's just the speed bumps of reality. The important things in life I have enjoyed by the bucket load. But only because I was willing to do all this recovery "stuff", instead of hanging on to the dysfunction the way my parents did.
Forgiveness is not absolution. Forgiveness is letting go of the expectation that people who have no interest in changing will somehow, magically, change.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
hi there willy,
I myself am dealing with a addicted son, he denies everything from his addiction to the trauma that he causes to his family, sometimes I just sit and wonder does he not see what he is doing???, that sitting at home asking me for money pretending he needs it to go out with his gf when i know he wants to go buy to use, he actually blames me and everyone around him for the fact that he cant get and keep a job, when i try to point these things out to him , he gets angry , defensive, total denial and will not accept any responsibility . How do I deal with it??, I feel this way, I need to get it out , tell him what his actions have done and how they make me feel , it seems you cant make somebody see but at least you can let it out its a big relief for me , maybe one day he will choose to see but thats his choice.
I myself am dealing with a addicted son, he denies everything from his addiction to the trauma that he causes to his family, sometimes I just sit and wonder does he not see what he is doing???, that sitting at home asking me for money pretending he needs it to go out with his gf when i know he wants to go buy to use, he actually blames me and everyone around him for the fact that he cant get and keep a job, when i try to point these things out to him , he gets angry , defensive, total denial and will not accept any responsibility . How do I deal with it??, I feel this way, I need to get it out , tell him what his actions have done and how they make me feel , it seems you cant make somebody see but at least you can let it out its a big relief for me , maybe one day he will choose to see but thats his choice.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by cymbal 
I read somewhere in the Al-Anon literature that forgiving was cutting the tie/string that binds.
T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Thank you all so much, I really appreciate you sharing your advice and stories.
I was with my therapist the other day and she said something that just blew me over.
"The opposite of love is not hate, the opposite of love is complete and total indifference to a person, indifference to their suffering, indifference to whether or not they live or die".
She was trying to get me to see that I was wating valuable time and energy hating my ex-wife for her lying, cheating, and stealing.
I don't know why I can be indifferent to my mothers health, and her drinking, but not her denials, the denials when offered feel like the cuts a whip makes as it hits your back.
I would go no contact with my mom but my dad has stayed with her in an effort to moderate her drinking (from just drunk 3-bottles of wine, to dangerous to herself and others 6-bottles of wine) I do not feel I can abandon him just because he has refused to abandon her.
My dad knows how I feel about my mom and does not minimize my feelings, he just does not know how to make it easier for me, he just chalks it up as "drunk talk".
Anyway, here I am babbling away, again thank you all for being there for me, you all are like a warm coat and a hot chocolate on a snowy day.
God bless all of you,
Bill
I was with my therapist the other day and she said something that just blew me over.
"The opposite of love is not hate, the opposite of love is complete and total indifference to a person, indifference to their suffering, indifference to whether or not they live or die".
She was trying to get me to see that I was wating valuable time and energy hating my ex-wife for her lying, cheating, and stealing.
I don't know why I can be indifferent to my mothers health, and her drinking, but not her denials, the denials when offered feel like the cuts a whip makes as it hits your back.
I would go no contact with my mom but my dad has stayed with her in an effort to moderate her drinking (from just drunk 3-bottles of wine, to dangerous to herself and others 6-bottles of wine) I do not feel I can abandon him just because he has refused to abandon her.
My dad knows how I feel about my mom and does not minimize my feelings, he just does not know how to make it easier for me, he just chalks it up as "drunk talk".
Anyway, here I am babbling away, again thank you all for being there for me, you all are like a warm coat and a hot chocolate on a snowy day.
God bless all of you,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Bill I understand totally.
As my Mom turned 80 I just gave up all hope of my her ever acknowledging the abuse she allowed and participated in with my alcoholic father. Her favorite saying was "Not where it shows! Not where it shows!" We joked that we were going to put "Shut up or I'll give you something to really cry about" on my Dads tombstone with "Not where it shows!" on my Moms next to his.
By the time I was working at the drugstore in high school the pharmacist came to me and told me that he would not fill any more prescriptions for my Mom, I asked why. He said she went from doctor to doctor getting 19 different meds, for all kinds of things that didn't mix well. He said she was drugging herself. So this may be why she doesn't remember anything. But she always insisted she was physically sick though all the doctors told her it was all in her head. She had no reality.
Through out the years I had several all out talks with my Mom forcing her to hear me out all the while she played innocent and teary eyed as to why I would say such things. She would say she couldn't remember because she had so many strokes that took her memories away. Lies, she never had any strokes. She was fully functioning till she died at 97.
I did break through a couple of times telling her that today she would be taken to jail for her part in the abuse because she was just as guilty as he was.
She also played each of us siblings against each other and had total different personalities with each of us. She would try to elicit pity for herself and we had none for her. She had one bout with depression and wanted total attention from us all. I gave her Lucinda Bassett's Attacking Anxiety & Depression and told her to figure it out. She did use it and never had a problem with it again.
As she aged she pulled the fragile sick card, again total lies. She could work and clean me under the bar. If I ever said anything about what they, my parents did, the next day she tell everyone she was dying and go to the emergency room and tell everyone she had a stroke again. I quit going with her many years ago. Every time the hospital would keep her many days giving her all the tests her insurance would allow, MRI's, EMG's all the blood tests they could think of, you name it she got it. Every time they NEVER found ANYTHING wrong with her. Amazing. But she continued doing this till the last year of her life.
She died from pneumonia, suffering two days. She was medicated and out of her head. When she came out of it briefly I told her I was there and she became very lucid and and thanked me for all I had done for her and what a good daughter I was, then went back to ranting. So I called my brother and told her he was on the phone. She stopped ranting and thanked him with very different wording. Then hung up and started ranting again. I called each sibling and she was lucid for each one, thanking them and telling them she loved them. BUT she never said she was sorry for a thing. My brother said to me after I took the phone back from her, "This is all bull, she is going to pull through just like she always does, she is faking again!" The favored sister said the same thing in her phone call. This was the only real time we ever saw her actually sick and we couldn't believe it for the years of crying wolf. That was too bad but what can one expect after so many years.
After cleaning her things when she died I found a handwritten note to herself that had some groceries on it along with a note that said, "Ask the doctor what kind of pills are good for heart attacks. I had a bad one yesterday." She was an absolute hypochondriac and denied reality all of her life.
It's hard to get past the hating especially when they deny the abuse but it serves no purpose. And like DesertEyes points out forgiveness doesn't mean it didn't happen. She just can't see reality. Reality doesn't exist for her like it didn't for my Mom.
As my Mom turned 80 I just gave up all hope of my her ever acknowledging the abuse she allowed and participated in with my alcoholic father. Her favorite saying was "Not where it shows! Not where it shows!" We joked that we were going to put "Shut up or I'll give you something to really cry about" on my Dads tombstone with "Not where it shows!" on my Moms next to his.
By the time I was working at the drugstore in high school the pharmacist came to me and told me that he would not fill any more prescriptions for my Mom, I asked why. He said she went from doctor to doctor getting 19 different meds, for all kinds of things that didn't mix well. He said she was drugging herself. So this may be why she doesn't remember anything. But she always insisted she was physically sick though all the doctors told her it was all in her head. She had no reality.
Through out the years I had several all out talks with my Mom forcing her to hear me out all the while she played innocent and teary eyed as to why I would say such things. She would say she couldn't remember because she had so many strokes that took her memories away. Lies, she never had any strokes. She was fully functioning till she died at 97.
I did break through a couple of times telling her that today she would be taken to jail for her part in the abuse because she was just as guilty as he was.
She also played each of us siblings against each other and had total different personalities with each of us. She would try to elicit pity for herself and we had none for her. She had one bout with depression and wanted total attention from us all. I gave her Lucinda Bassett's Attacking Anxiety & Depression and told her to figure it out. She did use it and never had a problem with it again.
As she aged she pulled the fragile sick card, again total lies. She could work and clean me under the bar. If I ever said anything about what they, my parents did, the next day she tell everyone she was dying and go to the emergency room and tell everyone she had a stroke again. I quit going with her many years ago. Every time the hospital would keep her many days giving her all the tests her insurance would allow, MRI's, EMG's all the blood tests they could think of, you name it she got it. Every time they NEVER found ANYTHING wrong with her. Amazing. But she continued doing this till the last year of her life.
She died from pneumonia, suffering two days. She was medicated and out of her head. When she came out of it briefly I told her I was there and she became very lucid and and thanked me for all I had done for her and what a good daughter I was, then went back to ranting. So I called my brother and told her he was on the phone. She stopped ranting and thanked him with very different wording. Then hung up and started ranting again. I called each sibling and she was lucid for each one, thanking them and telling them she loved them. BUT she never said she was sorry for a thing. My brother said to me after I took the phone back from her, "This is all bull, she is going to pull through just like she always does, she is faking again!" The favored sister said the same thing in her phone call. This was the only real time we ever saw her actually sick and we couldn't believe it for the years of crying wolf. That was too bad but what can one expect after so many years.
After cleaning her things when she died I found a handwritten note to herself that had some groceries on it along with a note that said, "Ask the doctor what kind of pills are good for heart attacks. I had a bad one yesterday." She was an absolute hypochondriac and denied reality all of her life.
It's hard to get past the hating especially when they deny the abuse but it serves no purpose. And like DesertEyes points out forgiveness doesn't mean it didn't happen. She just can't see reality. Reality doesn't exist for her like it didn't for my Mom.
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