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Old 12-09-2003, 03:14 PM
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New...Looking for help!

Hello. I found this forum while searching the web for help. I am a 35 year old daughter of an alcoholic mother. My mother has been an alcoholic for at least 15 years. About 10 years ago we did an intervention on her and talked her into checking into a recovery hospital but once she got home within several weeks she was drinking again. About 8 months ago she got really depressed and wasn't eating, she would only sit in the house and drink so we finally talked her into to checking herself in again but when they showed me her admissions paperwork she said she was only there for depression which they knew right away from her DT's that she was an alcoholic so they tried to treat her for that too. Her doctors told us that she has the worst case of denial they have ever seen. She stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks. When we went to visit her there she was like a totally different person. She was the mother I love and miss. Unfortunately the day she got home she went right out to the liquor store and got several bottles of wine. Me, my dad & my brother are having a really hard time. We are scared to death that she is slowly killing herself. We have come to the conclusion that we can not make her get help because we have done that twice and it has done no good. I truly believe that she has to make the decision to get help herself or it won't work. My dad is miserable living with her. He stays because he loves her and because he is scared if he leaves and she does pass out and choke or if she falls and needs help then there will be no one there to call for help. I am angry with her for being so selfish and I am sad because I feel like I do not have a mother to do mother daughter things with like all my friends. My brother just had his first baby and I thought having a granddaughter might help to motivate her but it really hasn't. I just don't know what to do. Any advice on how to treat her or handle this situation. This past time she was in the hospital we all met with her and her doctor and told her how her drinking made us feel and she got really upset and said she didn't realize it but of course in the long run all the pain we went thru to tell her just didn't matter she still turned back to her best friend, booze. Any help would be appreciated. My mother is a wonderful person with the kindest heart of anyone I know but she has a problem that is controlling her life and in turn ours.

Thank you for listening!
bonnielouise is offline  
Old 12-09-2003, 05:46 PM
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I am so sorry to hear about your mom, (((((HUGS))))) I really don't have any answers except that you and your family need to take care of yourselfs....I am a alcohalic and have 2 boys 7 and 10.....I have been sober now for 9 days......I had to reach to the point of giving up the alcohal on my own.....although I want to be sober for my boys....My mother was a alcohalic as well, and she didn't stop.....I am glad you have your dad for support.....I do hope you get some good answers for your post.....just know you are in my thoughts and prayers.....I hope the drs. at the hospital gave your family some good support groups to attend........
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Old 12-09-2003, 05:55 PM
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JT
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Welcome Bonnie,

Your story makes me think. If it was my mother I would feel much the same as you...abandoned. My alcoholic is my son and as I think it is not so different. Yes, I am the child of an alcoholic but my most immediate issue right now is my son.

I feel abandoned like you and I have a front row seat watching him ruin his life. After many years in recovery I simply know through experience that I cannot make a dent in what he chooses to do. It is the same with your mother.

She has had the opportunity to get help, she has listened to your concerns and still she returns to...in your words...her best friend. Booze.

There is slogan in Alanon about "Letting Go". Simply put, it means getting out of the way. Your mother is an adult and has a right to choose. You may not agree with her choices but they are still hers. You can love her and support your father but there is very little you can do to change the situation.

I love my son but I have had to get out of his way too. If he should ASK for help I would be there but right now he is not asking.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 12-10-2003, 06:39 AM
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Thank you both for your advice and thoughts. While I know I need to step aside and know that she has to make the decision to stop drinking on her own I am scared to death. My dad told me this morning that in the trash can since Friday night is 8 empty large wine bottles and a scotch bottle. He said she was in bed when he got home from my brothers house last night, of course she couldn't go with him because she was drunk, and she got up sometime in the night and finished off the bottle of wine in the refrigerator and she turned on the gas fire place but when he got up to go to work this morning she hadn't turned to gas all the way off and the whole house smelled of gas. While I am worried about her health I am really scared that she is going to end up hurting herself while drunk or worse yet killing herself. I just don't think I could live with the guilt if something happens to her and I didn't try to do everything in my power to help her. Any thoughts?
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Old 12-11-2003, 05:01 AM
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Bonnie,

When guilt motivates how we feel it is not good. I have been there...still am sometimes but I try not to be.

My husband has done some really stupid things while drunk. Deep frying and falling asleep...filled the house with smoke and he (unconscious) rolled to the floor where the air was clearer. When I got home I screamed at him, he woke and tossed the burning oil in the sink and caught the curtains on fire!

I don't know what to say about those things...after several instances like that I told him I was done and would leave if I couldn't leave the house without being afraid. Nothing like that has happened since...but that does not mean it would be the same with your mom.

No answers here, I know, what your father chooses to endure is up to him.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 01-08-2004, 12:32 AM
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Dearest bonnielouise,
I know how you feel. I'm the 18 year old daughter of an alcoholic-- my dad. my mom stays with him because of the same reason your dad stays with your mom. we got my dad to check himself into rehab, and four days later he was back to drinking. he's an attorney, but he can no longer function. i don't know what to do, we've had numerous interventions for over a year now and i can literally see my dad deterioating before my eyes. i've come to terms with the fact that my dad is going to die soon from his addiction unless he quits immediately. my family & i are still trying our best to get him to quit, but i'm losing all hope. although i know that i have serious issues with my dad's addiction & the affect its having on my family, i need to know what you do to help your dad & brother deal. my mom & i talk about my dad's addiction and try to comfort one another, but i feel like there must be more i can do to be there for my mom. please help me.-- and i will pray for your mother to recover, i truly hope that she becomes sober.
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