New Pair of Glasses

Old 12-09-2003, 09:48 AM
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Exclamation New Pair of Glasses

It may be because I am, for the first time in a VERY long time, being around my parents while sober. It may be because I have worked the Twelve Steps of Recovery in my own program. It may be because I just have on a new pair of glasses but...

My perception of my parents has changed. I am noticing things I'd not noticed before. Things that allow me room for empathy as opposed to hostility. For example... All these years at looking at Mom as a self-seeker, controlling and manipulative, etc well that pretty much kept me in knots. [Kept me in knots because I was a shadow compared to that kind of *out loud* behavior.]

But now I see why she does what she does... I see her trying to control things out of her own fear of her world falling apart. I see her self-seeking only to the extent of her consuming fear of failure. Her being manipulative, I've noticed, is only used so the rest of us gets along - thereby insuring her world remains safe.

I have begun to see and understand that my mom is a good person, with a good heart. Our relationship is changing for the better and I am very grateful for the opportunity to be sober [w/ a Spiritual Program] and to have found ACoA. If I'd not found it, I probably wouldn't have noticed that my Mom was one as well and by extension, continued to not understand her behaviors as desperate pleas for normalcy and okayness (as opposed to her trying intentionally to slight me). [Egads. It is true. I did turn into my mother.]

This is so exciting! She taught me last night how to pop a mushroom stem out of the cap...I know it's small potatos to some but she said - as I was cutting them- "Do you pop the stem out or cut them off?" I said: "Cut them off. How do you pop them out?" She showed me and I told her "A-Ha! I always wondered how the caps, when sliced, looked so neat." It was a great exchange...and that's just one example of how we've been interacting....Like adults.

This might not make much sense to some but it's as if she's trying to look at me as a WOMAN (as opposed to child) and I am trying to look at her as a WOMAN (as opposed to boss of me). It's very cool. This a very nice vacation....

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Old 12-09-2003, 05:39 PM
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That is so cool! Your Mom sounds like a codie...trying to keep everything even so her world does not dissolve.

You have made a huge step! Accepting in AA is not only about is about taking it out into the world. Your Mom had a life before you and that has alot to do with how she acts.

I am excited for you!!
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Old 12-10-2003, 08:12 AM
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I too am amazed at the fact that I can see my mother as a person a lot easier now. I can see why she does the things she does and although I don't like the behaviour, I can separate her actions from her true nature. Not all the time! But its a good change.

I'm so glad you are getting these rewards.

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