long, but please help, i need serious advice please
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: NYC, New York
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long, but please help, i need serious advice please
This is going to be considerably long, but in order for you to understand the situation it must be. Please read and help, I’m desperate for help…
I am 18 and a freshman in college, 4 years ago, when I was a freshman in high school I began dating my boyfriend who is 22 and works for my step father as of a few months ago. My boyfriend is a drug addict. I don’t remember when I first found out when he was a drug addict, but I know I have known for a long time. For the longest time he mainly smoked pot, and did pills, and I know he had done coke a few times. How many times I’m not certain. It’s hard for me to tell, he just told me he couldn’t afford to do it so he stuck with the pills. I am 100% against doing drugs. My mother is a drug addict as well and she spends all of my step dad’s money on drugs that should be spent on my 2 younger brothers. I am very against drugs but, however, I’m understanding of the addiction. So anyways I believe a year and a half ago or 2 years, I’m not real sure, my boyfriend was in college and he had gotten into a lot of trouble with drug dealers and owed a few people a good amount of money and they weren’t happy and were going to kill him, but luckily his dad was there when he was getting all of the phone calls and brought him home and he dropped out of college.
A few months later he was checking into rehab (if that’s what you want to call it). The place was a total joke. I would go to visit and they wouldn’t check my purse or anything and they would let us go wherever we wanted and could be alone. It was so easy for anyone to sneak drugs into that place. Anyhow he failed 2 drug tests while in there and was kicked out. While he was in there he met this guy named Mike. Mike did harder things than my boyfriend did. He taught my boyfriend to shoot up the pills instead of snorting them because it supposedly affected you faster. Well he started doing that, and it wasn’t good. His mom took his cell phone from him, made him get his number changed, took his car from him, made him delete all the phone numbers of anyone that was even somewhat involved with drugs, and if he wanted to go anywhere they would take him and pick him up and either me, his sister, or his parents or grandparents had to be with him almost at all times. He supposedly “quit” after a good long 6 months or so. Then that’s when my step dad got him a job with his oil company not too long ago (which makes good money). I noticed him looking ****** up a few times, and noticed a few numbers in his phone that I knew he was made to delete and I knew the people dealt and did drugs badly. But I didn’t say anything. (I know this was not good to not say anything but I was in denial myself that he would be back into things). Then he would tell his mom he was coming to my house and would go into people’s houses I knew were into drugs but he would deny that they were even though I knew the truth but had no proof. And he started looking ****** up more and more. And his money was always gone but he never had anything to show for it. (He did pay my car insurance and rent some but not the extent that he shouldn’t have any money with the type of job he has). He has spent 7-10 thousand dollars in the past few months and has no place it could have gone to. (His grandparents pay his car insurance, his parents let him live at home so he has no other bills, and his rides to work with my step dad and doesn’t have to pay for gas because the company pays for it, and he hasn’t gone shopping since he got his first pay check and took me and his sister out to eat and bout us new clothes and stuff. So he has no place this money would have gone to.
Anyhow, during Thanksgiving I noticed that he must have been on something. Apparently his sister’s new boyfriend was talking to him and my boyfriend told him that he had done suboxone (spelling?), and Xanax, and still had more of each left, and told him he had needles hidden in the speakers in his car and told him he had hiding places all around his grandparent’s house and his house where he kept his drugs and drug things, and also had mentioned that if he needed him too he could get him heroin for 350 dollars a gram or something along those lines. When his sister and her boyfriend left he told his sister what was said and she called her mom and told her and all of us (me, his parents, and grandparents) sat him down to talk to him and told him that this was the last straw and asked if this is what he wanted for his life and asked if he wanted his kids to grow up like I have (because of my mom being a drug addict), and asked if he wanted me and him to never have anything in life because he is always using our money for drugs, and if he wanted his parents and grandparents to have to bury him because he took the wrong thing or wasn’t given what he was meaning to get or something and showed him we found the needles in his car and the aluminum foil and other things that involved using drugs and asked him what all he was using. He told us just that same things he already had been, and when we asked what he was shooting up he said just the same things. Then his mom asked if he was shooting heroin and he said no but she asked 3 more times and by then he said yes. But he said he only had done it 4 times (but idk if that’s the truth). He then told us he needed us to help him because he was an addict (which has not happened before). Then he gave his mom all the money he had, and his debit card and check book and told her to keep it and not give it to him so he wouldn’t be able to spend any of the little bit of money he did have on drugs. He also went through his phone and deleted all the phone numbers of the people involved with drugs on his own without anyone asking him too. Then when he went to go get a shower he brought out the outside of a pen he had hid in the bathroom and told his mom he had used it to snort and smoke with, and that there was still one in his car, which were things we had no idea about.
I really want to help him and let him know that I am here for him and always will be because I will not leave him over this, I know he wants to get through it and that he can do it, but it is an addiction and it is going to be hard for him, as well as the rest of his family and myself. I know this is a long and rough journey to go down but I have been dealing with it for a long time and he is a better person that just an addict. He is the best person with kids I’ve ever seen and I knew when he gets through this he will be a terrific dad because he is so good to my younger brothers. I plan on marrying my boyfriend, we have talked about it numerous times, and he has talked to his family about wanting to get me an engagement ring (I’m not supposed to know that but it was slipped out), and I plan on spending the rest of my life with him. My 2 younger brothers adore him and that means more to me than anything, and my step dad really likes him a lot too because he knows he has had problems but knows he wants to not have them and knows how good he treats me and how much he loves me. A lot of the people in the town I live in that are into drugs are my family and I hate that I know some of them have sold him things and not told me or even cared about him (because if they did they wouldn’t sell him things) and I wish I knew who had gotten him to start doing heroin and hope 4 is the only times he has done it.
I feel like the person who sold it to him was my uncle but I really have no idea I just feel like it could be him. But I hate that this is the type of family I am in. It’s not everyone in my family though, just a hand full but that’s all it takes but the town I live in is filled with drug addicts (& I’m not exaggerating either, 1 out of 2 people are addicted to pills or something harder). But I just want to know what I should do, and what I should say to him to let him know I am here and he can always tell me how he’s feeling and what’s going on and I will understand, he knows I look down on drugs very much because of everything I’ve gone through with them (I also have lost my grandmother to drug overdose) and I think that’s why he doesn’t tell me when he does things because he knows I get very upset, but I want him to be able to talk to me about what’s going on because I am very proud of him for admitting he’s an addict and coming out and getting rid of things on his own, and I want him to know he can talk to me about it, even though I don’t like it, I am a very understanding person about anything, even this. I just don’t know what to say to let him know that I’m here, and always will be, and am proud of him. Oh and my mom and my mom’s brother (not the uncle I have talked about already) and my boyfriend have done pills together too.
Please help, any advice about any of the situation is helpful, because I don’t really have anyone to talk to because my friends are really judgmental and don’t understand addiction because they’ve never been around it.
I am 18 and a freshman in college, 4 years ago, when I was a freshman in high school I began dating my boyfriend who is 22 and works for my step father as of a few months ago. My boyfriend is a drug addict. I don’t remember when I first found out when he was a drug addict, but I know I have known for a long time. For the longest time he mainly smoked pot, and did pills, and I know he had done coke a few times. How many times I’m not certain. It’s hard for me to tell, he just told me he couldn’t afford to do it so he stuck with the pills. I am 100% against doing drugs. My mother is a drug addict as well and she spends all of my step dad’s money on drugs that should be spent on my 2 younger brothers. I am very against drugs but, however, I’m understanding of the addiction. So anyways I believe a year and a half ago or 2 years, I’m not real sure, my boyfriend was in college and he had gotten into a lot of trouble with drug dealers and owed a few people a good amount of money and they weren’t happy and were going to kill him, but luckily his dad was there when he was getting all of the phone calls and brought him home and he dropped out of college.
A few months later he was checking into rehab (if that’s what you want to call it). The place was a total joke. I would go to visit and they wouldn’t check my purse or anything and they would let us go wherever we wanted and could be alone. It was so easy for anyone to sneak drugs into that place. Anyhow he failed 2 drug tests while in there and was kicked out. While he was in there he met this guy named Mike. Mike did harder things than my boyfriend did. He taught my boyfriend to shoot up the pills instead of snorting them because it supposedly affected you faster. Well he started doing that, and it wasn’t good. His mom took his cell phone from him, made him get his number changed, took his car from him, made him delete all the phone numbers of anyone that was even somewhat involved with drugs, and if he wanted to go anywhere they would take him and pick him up and either me, his sister, or his parents or grandparents had to be with him almost at all times. He supposedly “quit” after a good long 6 months or so. Then that’s when my step dad got him a job with his oil company not too long ago (which makes good money). I noticed him looking ****** up a few times, and noticed a few numbers in his phone that I knew he was made to delete and I knew the people dealt and did drugs badly. But I didn’t say anything. (I know this was not good to not say anything but I was in denial myself that he would be back into things). Then he would tell his mom he was coming to my house and would go into people’s houses I knew were into drugs but he would deny that they were even though I knew the truth but had no proof. And he started looking ****** up more and more. And his money was always gone but he never had anything to show for it. (He did pay my car insurance and rent some but not the extent that he shouldn’t have any money with the type of job he has). He has spent 7-10 thousand dollars in the past few months and has no place it could have gone to. (His grandparents pay his car insurance, his parents let him live at home so he has no other bills, and his rides to work with my step dad and doesn’t have to pay for gas because the company pays for it, and he hasn’t gone shopping since he got his first pay check and took me and his sister out to eat and bout us new clothes and stuff. So he has no place this money would have gone to.
Anyhow, during Thanksgiving I noticed that he must have been on something. Apparently his sister’s new boyfriend was talking to him and my boyfriend told him that he had done suboxone (spelling?), and Xanax, and still had more of each left, and told him he had needles hidden in the speakers in his car and told him he had hiding places all around his grandparent’s house and his house where he kept his drugs and drug things, and also had mentioned that if he needed him too he could get him heroin for 350 dollars a gram or something along those lines. When his sister and her boyfriend left he told his sister what was said and she called her mom and told her and all of us (me, his parents, and grandparents) sat him down to talk to him and told him that this was the last straw and asked if this is what he wanted for his life and asked if he wanted his kids to grow up like I have (because of my mom being a drug addict), and asked if he wanted me and him to never have anything in life because he is always using our money for drugs, and if he wanted his parents and grandparents to have to bury him because he took the wrong thing or wasn’t given what he was meaning to get or something and showed him we found the needles in his car and the aluminum foil and other things that involved using drugs and asked him what all he was using. He told us just that same things he already had been, and when we asked what he was shooting up he said just the same things. Then his mom asked if he was shooting heroin and he said no but she asked 3 more times and by then he said yes. But he said he only had done it 4 times (but idk if that’s the truth). He then told us he needed us to help him because he was an addict (which has not happened before). Then he gave his mom all the money he had, and his debit card and check book and told her to keep it and not give it to him so he wouldn’t be able to spend any of the little bit of money he did have on drugs. He also went through his phone and deleted all the phone numbers of the people involved with drugs on his own without anyone asking him too. Then when he went to go get a shower he brought out the outside of a pen he had hid in the bathroom and told his mom he had used it to snort and smoke with, and that there was still one in his car, which were things we had no idea about.
I really want to help him and let him know that I am here for him and always will be because I will not leave him over this, I know he wants to get through it and that he can do it, but it is an addiction and it is going to be hard for him, as well as the rest of his family and myself. I know this is a long and rough journey to go down but I have been dealing with it for a long time and he is a better person that just an addict. He is the best person with kids I’ve ever seen and I knew when he gets through this he will be a terrific dad because he is so good to my younger brothers. I plan on marrying my boyfriend, we have talked about it numerous times, and he has talked to his family about wanting to get me an engagement ring (I’m not supposed to know that but it was slipped out), and I plan on spending the rest of my life with him. My 2 younger brothers adore him and that means more to me than anything, and my step dad really likes him a lot too because he knows he has had problems but knows he wants to not have them and knows how good he treats me and how much he loves me. A lot of the people in the town I live in that are into drugs are my family and I hate that I know some of them have sold him things and not told me or even cared about him (because if they did they wouldn’t sell him things) and I wish I knew who had gotten him to start doing heroin and hope 4 is the only times he has done it.
I feel like the person who sold it to him was my uncle but I really have no idea I just feel like it could be him. But I hate that this is the type of family I am in. It’s not everyone in my family though, just a hand full but that’s all it takes but the town I live in is filled with drug addicts (& I’m not exaggerating either, 1 out of 2 people are addicted to pills or something harder). But I just want to know what I should do, and what I should say to him to let him know I am here and he can always tell me how he’s feeling and what’s going on and I will understand, he knows I look down on drugs very much because of everything I’ve gone through with them (I also have lost my grandmother to drug overdose) and I think that’s why he doesn’t tell me when he does things because he knows I get very upset, but I want him to be able to talk to me about what’s going on because I am very proud of him for admitting he’s an addict and coming out and getting rid of things on his own, and I want him to know he can talk to me about it, even though I don’t like it, I am a very understanding person about anything, even this. I just don’t know what to say to let him know that I’m here, and always will be, and am proud of him. Oh and my mom and my mom’s brother (not the uncle I have talked about already) and my boyfriend have done pills together too.
Please help, any advice about any of the situation is helpful, because I don’t really have anyone to talk to because my friends are really judgmental and don’t understand addiction because they’ve never been around it.
Last edited by Morning Glory; 12-13-2011 at 04:36 PM. Reason: Added page breaks to make it easier to read
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Sadgirl))) - Welcome to SR, though sorry for what you are going through. I don't have parents who do drugs, but am a recovering addict and have had 3 bf's who were alcoholics and addicts. I recommend you read around on the friends & family/substance abusers forum to see what you're in for if you truly want to stay with him.
You've been around addiction, and you've seen that it doesn't get any better unless the person REALLY wants it. He doesn't sound, to me, like he does. I don't mean to be harsh, but just because he's good with kids, does not make him parent material or spouse material.
He's doing some serious drugs. The people who can help him the most are other recovering addicts. Those of us who love them and want to "always be there for them" can end up loving him to death. My last XABF was great with kids - had 3 of them. Hadn't seen the younger 2 in over 15 years, the oldest he had selling crack with him. He's dead. Me? I got sick of the consequences (which my family loved me enough to let me deal with them) and have over 4-1/2 years in recovery.
I'm sorry if I sound heartless..I'm not. I'm just sad to see someone willing to spend their life with someone else who has a long way to go before (if ever) he chooses recovery. I spent over 25 years with guys like that.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
You've been around addiction, and you've seen that it doesn't get any better unless the person REALLY wants it. He doesn't sound, to me, like he does. I don't mean to be harsh, but just because he's good with kids, does not make him parent material or spouse material.
He's doing some serious drugs. The people who can help him the most are other recovering addicts. Those of us who love them and want to "always be there for them" can end up loving him to death. My last XABF was great with kids - had 3 of them. Hadn't seen the younger 2 in over 15 years, the oldest he had selling crack with him. He's dead. Me? I got sick of the consequences (which my family loved me enough to let me deal with them) and have over 4-1/2 years in recovery.
I'm sorry if I sound heartless..I'm not. I'm just sad to see someone willing to spend their life with someone else who has a long way to go before (if ever) he chooses recovery. I spent over 25 years with guys like that.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Sadgirl))) - I'm really sorry if I came across wrong. You will get a lot of ES&H (experience, strength and hope) here. I do hope you check out the friends & family forum, too, as this one is slow sometimes.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Dear sadgirl,
So sorry for all you are going through, but please listen to Amy, she has "walked the walk".
I think you know deep down that this is not going to end well for anyone, please don't start a family with this guy, children deserve better than this.
Please read these forums, get to al-anon or nar-anon and learn the right way to deal with all this.
Best of luck to you.
Bill
So sorry for all you are going through, but please listen to Amy, she has "walked the walk".
I think you know deep down that this is not going to end well for anyone, please don't start a family with this guy, children deserve better than this.
Please read these forums, get to al-anon or nar-anon and learn the right way to deal with all this.
Best of luck to you.
Bill
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Indiana
Posts: 17
Growing up in a home where addiction has taken hold of a mother or father or sibling (or even a combination of that) WILL predispose you to relationship issues such as yours.
I could warn you of "what is to come" when dating an addict because I have experienced "what is to come". But I doubt that will deter you from it.
I will tell you that all of the answers you need are within yourself.
For me, it's impossible to find those answers or even use them when I'm not emotionally or spiritually healthy. When I am working on my recovery from an emotional abusive childhood, I can make discussions with confidence and find answers that I'm comfortable with.
It's awesome that you've come to soberrecovery to help you. Everyone here will understand you, love you, and listen to you. If you like the feeling of other people understanding, loving, and listening to you, you should consider going to an Al-Anon meeting. You will get the same gentle and loving support you get here but in person! Although Al-Anon is meant for friends and family of alcoholics, plenty of friends and family of addicts use the program as well.
You can ask for advice and commentary all you want... But until you get help for yourself, none of that advice or commentary will make you feel any better.
I could warn you of "what is to come" when dating an addict because I have experienced "what is to come". But I doubt that will deter you from it.
I will tell you that all of the answers you need are within yourself.
For me, it's impossible to find those answers or even use them when I'm not emotionally or spiritually healthy. When I am working on my recovery from an emotional abusive childhood, I can make discussions with confidence and find answers that I'm comfortable with.
It's awesome that you've come to soberrecovery to help you. Everyone here will understand you, love you, and listen to you. If you like the feeling of other people understanding, loving, and listening to you, you should consider going to an Al-Anon meeting. You will get the same gentle and loving support you get here but in person! Although Al-Anon is meant for friends and family of alcoholics, plenty of friends and family of addicts use the program as well.
You can ask for advice and commentary all you want... But until you get help for yourself, none of that advice or commentary will make you feel any better.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
What do you think the outcome will be of this marriage for you? What about for any children you may have? Are you planning to do this no matter if he seeks treatment or not? No matter if he is using or not?
You've lived with having an addicted parent and an addicted grandparent, so you know the pain and chaos. You have every right to choose to spend your time with someone that creates that same kind of chaos - but do you really want to consider bringing children into this world that you know will suffer the same pain you've been through?
You've lived with having an addicted parent and an addicted grandparent, so you know the pain and chaos. You have every right to choose to spend your time with someone that creates that same kind of chaos - but do you really want to consider bringing children into this world that you know will suffer the same pain you've been through?
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