reverse

Though I have removed myself from my alcoholic mother, step father, and most of the extended dysfunctional family members, I have a really hard time with birthdays and holidays. I have three children ages 4 (soon to be 5), 3, and 2 and I feel like no one cares about them other than myself and my husband. There are no extended relatives who visit (and I wouldn't want many of them too considering how dysfunctional the family is) and I just get really sick and tired of being alone and feeling like my children get really lonely. I'm growing more and more depressed over it all the time. During their births...no one came to visit...my mother saw my first born shortly after she was born but turned it into a drinking/drug session. I'm just soo sick of the pain and I really don't know what to do. So many people do not understand...the town I live in is a really close-knit community and have close families. So tired of being alone and feeling like no one wants to celebrate my life and my children's life. I literally am growing sick/nauseous over it. I've been going to a counselor, but she just tells me my children will be fine and I'm better off being alone w/out my family, and to count my blessings. I really don't think she understands how deep my pain is. I just don't know what to do anymore. Sick and tired of being sick and tired for 25+ years and I'm only 29 years old. It's hard to be excited about life when no one else could give a **** if I were dead or alive...same w/ my children. The only thing that keeps me going is my husband and children, but it's not enough sometimes.

DesertEyes

Hello reverse

Sorry to hear you are going thru so much pain. I am going thru my share tonight. Life can be very hard sometimes, but then add all this ACoA stuff and it just makes it worse.

My family was the generic, self centered, alcoholic type. Just like you said, they only cared about themselves and how the world would pay attention to their needs. Eventually I did the "no contact" thing like they say in al-anon. That made my life _much_ simpler, much more serene and calm.

Recovery helped me replace all those old feeling of anger and pain with healthy ones. What I learned is that recovery has three parts. Awareness, Acceptance and Action. Talking about my "issues", going to meetings, a couple of good therapists, that was all part of the Awareness and Acceptance. I needed that, and still do. However, in order to stop hurting I had to take action.

I made a new family for myself. A "family of choice" as they see in meetings. I made a few friends and then I did for them what I needed for myself. I took an interest in their lives, the good times and the bad. Instead of talking to them I listened. I called them on the phone once in a while, invited them over for holidays. It took a little time but I was able to create that circle of people that cared about me, because I showed them that I cared about them.

Life did one of it's nasty turns and I had to leave that "family of choice", move outta town for a job. I had to start over and make a new "family". That was hard, but I managed to get by. Then the company I work for had layoffs and I had to move again.

Now I am starting over one more time.

Yup. Same here. They have a full life and there's no empty chair in their living room for some new person. They have never been _without_ a family, so they just have no experience or comprehension for what it's like to be without one.

Then again, I have no understanding for what _their_ life is like.

I'm not giving up. Some days I just decide to stop trying, for that day, simply because I am much too tired. I am also physically ill, so that makes it harder. Then, after a day, or two, or three, I try again.

uh-huh. Been there, done that. One trick that works for me is to keep my mind busy. Doesn't matter what with. Sometimes I just repeat a prayer over and over again, just to keep my thoughts from wandering into "negative territory". I got to meetings, or browse around here on SR, and I see how many people have lives that are so much harder than mine. That helps me keep positive thoughts going.

Somedays I make it a point to answer somebody's post here on SR. Not because I have any solutions for them, just to let them know they are not alone. Somedays I don't write and I just read the positive things others are writing. SR helps me fight off the loneliness, and that feeling of there being nobody in the world who cares.

Holidays make it worse for me. I avoid going to the mall, don't even turn on the radio, try to avoid reminders of what I don't have. Instead I make my _own_ holiday. I fix myself a special dinner, make a few decorations for the little tree I have. Some years I have gone out and bought myself a small butterfly ornament to put on my tree. THe butterfly is the symbol of recovery in al-anon, so those little ornaments on the tree help me focus on what is good in my life, and how I am slowly making it better, little by little.

It's not the big things that have made my life healthy and positive. It's the small things that add up day after day, month after month.

I'm glad your kids and husband are there for you. That's wonderful to hear, and knowing that you have them helps me feel better about my own life. Someday I may fall in love again, and build myself another little "family". It won't happen today, but little by little it will come to pass.

Mike

chicory

(((Reverse))) and (((Desert Eyes)))

I care.

I know that pain of loneliness, and sadness of a family of origin gone wrong, but I find it helps me to look outside of myself, and focus on the beautiful family that I do have.

The only way to make tomorrow different, is to look for the beauty and good, and giving is healing for me.

Reverse, let the health of your family begin with you. Those children are blessed to be protected by their momma. Take care of yourself, and if you find yourself being chronically depressed, maybe see your doctor about getting some help with that. It could work wonders as a jump start to going forward in your life. sometimes that runs in families, i believe, it did mine. and antidepressants help me so much. exercise is so vital,tho you probably get a lot of that with those little ones. Bless you honey, hang in there, and know you are not alone in your search for wholeness, and joy.

Desert Eyes, I wish sometimes that I could find people like you, to be friends with, for how blessed would my life be , with such a friend! I have family, but friends have sort of been outside my comfort zone, as I am a bit insecure to reach out. Should hang a sign on my neck that reads " I am more fun than I look-wanna be friends?"lol

I love the idea of making your own ornaments! never thought of that! think i will do that, too!
love and hugs,
chicory

GingerM

Building on what Mike said above:

My nuclear family moved a lot due to my dad's job when I was growing up. The longest we ever lived in any one city was 2 years, 11 months. The shortest was 6 weeks. As a result of all this moving, my familial circle was limited to my mom, dad and sister. We didn't have time to build a family of choice because we would move before we got to know anyone well enough.

And my parents? Not so hot.

So I'm going to ask you to look at your children. You've removed them from a toxic environment so you can give them a healthier upbringing. Y'know what? I would have LOVED to have had a healthy upbringing, even if I was isolated from the rest of my family. Actually, I have two Uncles, and Aunt and 5 cousins. I don't know where one of my Uncles lives (I think it's in a corn state). The Aunt? I know what state she lives in, but haven't seen her since I was 8. Three of my cousins I've never even met. The other two live within a 1 hour drive from my house, but I've seen them twice in the past 17 years.

But to have parents who support and love you? That's worth everything!

Keep loving and protecting your kids. They don't need extended family. A therapist I know once told me that a child only really NEEDS one (just ONE) stable supportive adult in their life to make it through in pretty decent shape. Just one. If you and your husband are giving your kids two stable adults? Huzzah for your kids!

Birthdays can be small family gatherings - you can make them special by allowing the kid to be "Queen" or "King" for the day - they get to choose what activities (within reason, obviously); what tv shows; what dinner is going to be. They get to issue edicts, and for that one day they even get to change the house rules. Trust me, your kids will enjoy that as much as any big birthday party (what kid doesn't want to be able to issue their own rules for the house?) AND it teaches them to set boundaries at the same time.

I'm well into my 40s and I still ask to be Queen for a Day on my birthday. Honestly? Those birthdays are the ones that I remember the most and still smile about.

In terms of your family - it isn't quantity that matters. You can have 100 toxic people at celebration dinners and no one will be happy. You can have one healthy person at the same dinner, and it will be memorable.

Go for Quality - it's far more important than quantity.

cymbal

(((((hugs)))))

You are not alone!
You're among friends here.
(((((more hugs)))))

dbh

Dear Reverse,

I can relate to your feelings of pain, especially when it comes to your children and everything you hope for them to have.

My children are slightly older, they are currently 9 and 11.

When they were little it was hard. I was adjusting to life as a mom, getting pulled in so many directions, and sometimes having to function on very little sleep.

I so desperately wanted everything to be perfect for them. Especially around the holidays. I longed to have the Norman Rockwell family gathering.

Unfortunately, I was not given the Norman Rockwell family card when I was born. My extended family doesn't even try to get together anymore. I remember this used to be a source of embarrassment and sadness for me. When people asked about my plans I almost wanted to invent an imaginary family so I could feel "normal".

Overtime, I have learned to cherish my little nuclear family. We spend many holidays with just the four of us and have a wonderful time. There was one Thanksgiving where we went to Medieval Times and spent the afternoon eating chicken with our hands and watching jousting. One Christmas, we were all having so much fun with our toys that we never got dressed and ate Christmas dinner in our PJs! We're starting to form our own joyful holiday memories and traditions. It's taking awhile, but I'm slowly starting to be grateful for everything I do have and not think so much about the things that I'll never have.

This year I'm already starting to make a mental list of things I would like to do over the Christmas holiday with my husband and children. We're active in a church so there are some church centered stuff. There are a couple of movies coming out, light displays to see, and we're planning a special lunch at a restaurant we have wanted to go to for awhile. None of these things (thankfully) involve my extended family.

Thank you for letting me share.

Fondly,

db

Kialua

Reverse I also understand your desire to have a family that cares. But you have the opportunity to give that to your children now. They don't need quantity of relatives if they have you. I was the one in my family of origin that babysat and took care of all the kids and helped out to no end. When I had my child no one cared, no one helped, no one visited. No one. I understand. It's not fair, it's tiring and it hurts.

All towns big or small are inclusive. I didn't find anyone willing to take me and mine in either. I have friends but they keep busy with their own family. One of the biggest hurts in the holidays for me has been not having a "cookie" day with friends or family. Even my best friend is too full with her own kids to make room for me. My daughter and I could make a dozen cookies to trade with each other but we'd only have two dozen then! haha. So I would make my own treats and deliver them to my loved ones whether I got anything in return or not.

But make a new beginning now. I did. Keep your kids busy with classes, crafts, field trips, friends over, movie night, etc., be creative it doesn't even have to cost a lot. Mine was too distracted to notice. She once told someone that she never was lonely as she was always busy with friends and activities.

My daughter used to wonder why we had no extended family until I finally told her a bit of the truth when she was an adult. I never felt like she had to know the gruesome details as a child, she didn't need to carry my burden. And now she has a friend with an alcoholic father who creates havoc so now she sees it. She thanked me for keeping her from our extended family now that she knows what it is like.

Make a Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas for your kids. They will love it, if you love it.

reverse

Wow, thanks so much everyone for your encouraging words, holiday suggestions, and sharing your personal experiences/struggles. Truly grateful and thankful. I've taken everything to heart and will start looking forward to creating my own traditions w/ my children vs. constantly looking back. Life goes on and I have to go with it and move forward. And Mike--hope your health improves. I already felt better today after talking w/ some friends (and getting myself a haircut and facial--long needed after going to school for nursing full-time). I've just been so busy w/ school and now that I'm on break for hte holiday, it all came crashing in on me last night and just hit me again. But I regained focus--thanks to friends and people like you in SR. Thanks again everyone.

judelabug

If you haven't already, try Al Anon. You will not feel alone.

As we hear in the Al Anon closing: After a while you’ll discover that though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way - the same way we already love you.

When I first heard that I thought, Yah, right! But have actually sat in many meetings and thought: I do love all these people.

Willybluedog

Reverse, so sorry you are hurting, I know where you are coming from.

My kids ask why their grandparents on both sides don't make more effort to spend time with them, what do you say to a kid when he asks that, I tell mine that their grandparents love them but are very busy, privately I have kicked my parents and in-laws in the @ss over it on multiple occasions with no improvement.

One thing that has helped me refocus, I came about 5 minutes from bleeding out in a bad car accident a few years ago, now I try to remember everyday that I am alive becuase of gods grace, I hug and kiss my wife and kids and tell them I love them every day.

If my parents or in-laws cannot make time for my kids then I work that much harder to make sure the kids have support from friends and other parents in sports, 4-h, etc.

Please remember you have friends here, I feel much closer to many people here than I do to many members of my own family.

I am always happy to listen if you need a shoulder.

Please take care and best of luck to you.

Bill

reverse

Thanks Bill....yea it is hard to know what to tell my kids why their extended fam. doesn't visit. My alcoholic mother wants to visit (she lives only 2 hours away), but hasn't had her drivers license for 20+ years, has been drinking hardcore 25+ years, and is still with my abusive stepfather who drives her everywhere and I refuse to allow him around my children (altho my sister does--which caused strife between us and we also don't talk tho we live in the same town), and lastly--when I did go pick her up from my sister's house, she had to hurry back to stay at my sister's house so as not to offend my sister b/c she's severely jealous--tho I've only been back in WI for only 3 years (I lived in WA state for 5 years prior to WI). So, it's more drama than it's worth and I refuse to enable her by driving her around and/or picking her up, and really what's in it for me? I feel like I'm giving more to the relationship than she is and it feels like one big photo-op--b/c she is in severe denial of what type of mother/person she has been. I struggle w/ guilt over this--not as bad as I used to tho. As a result of all of this, my mother has only seen my almost 5 yr. old daughter 3 times, my 3 yo daughter 2 times, and my 2 year old daughter 0 times.

In regards to Alanon--i've been to alanon but stopped going b/c one of the ladies pressured me to visit family members that I wasn't yet comfortable doing. So, I'm looking for a diff. group to go to on a different day--but going to school leaves me w/ very little time right now. It's still a goal of mine, tho.

Kialua

There is no point beating yourself up over wanting to have a "normal" family of origin. You don't have one and neither do I. I know you angry and you have every right to be angry but forgiveness is crucial for yourself and your FOO. After that it doesn't mean you need to remain in contact with them. I live in the same town with my FOO but rarely see them or speak to them. They have lives that I know nothing about as I have a life they know nothing about. Sure I wish it was different but it never will be. Holidays come and go and so will these lonely feelings. Make the most of your own kids, and don't waste one minute on wishing things were different.

I've read through this forum a lot and a couple sentences come to mind:

• Don't look back if you want to move forward
• Anger is like a hot coal you hold in your hand, the longer you hold it the more it hurts.

I pray you can embrace hope with your whole heart and to look the future, happy with your own children.

reverse

I guess when it comes to being angry, I think there is a fine line between forgiveness and denial. If I am angry, does it mean I am unable to forgive? At what stage of grieving is forgiving doable? I just completed a year's worth of counseling and began the acceptance stage. I now am in the stage where I am angry and grieving b/c for so many years, I held my feelings in and never accepted how I felt--and the pain of my loss(es). Throughout various life events, is it not natural to be angry when there are major things that transpire and FOO is still the same? I was recently hospitalized for the third miscarriage I've had in one year. First I miscarried my son at 18 1/2 weeks, next was a 6 week miscarriage, and the last one in June was at 17 weeks--another son. I lost so much blood. I needed 2 units of blood and then went to surgery. Would it be unhealthy for me to allow myself to feel an anger for the current situation of which I am in, i.e. that I cannot call my mother prior to going to surgery and/or even tell her about my loss (es)? Tho, my intellect tells me she is not healthy, nor someone in whom I can rely on--however, is it not normal to experience anger at various points of one's life while grieving not having a mother? I think it tends to be a cycle sometimes. Whenever a major life event strikes, it's like going thru the process all over again. Or is the goal to never be angry or sad for the loss and instead seek others to fill the void of someone who is irreplaceable? Just trying to get some insight here. I appreciate any advice or clarification on this. I personally think that throughout life, my FOO will continue to disappoint for various reasons...it is natural to want them to be there at certain points in my life--hence why I need to take it one step at a time when things do happen and know that the pain lessens w/ time and I will get used to it. I guess at this stage in my life, my children are so young and I have experienced 3 recent losses, am planning on lcompleting nursing school in 2013--all of these major life changes are an adjustment for me. Forgiveness is sort of a blurry concept for me at this point. I can rationalize it, but doing is another. I also understand that forgiveness is not equivocal to trust. There is a vast difference there. I guess what I'm trying to say is that being postpartum for the last 5 years for 3 successful births and 3 unsuccessful pregnancies has been a bittersweet and at times pardoxal experience for me emotionally. And while going to counseling throughout all of that and facing the demons of the abuse from my FOO...I feel I have come a long way, have much further to go, and know that I will always have this pain from time to time. Who wouldn't considering it's my mother--the woman who gave birth to me? Again...any insight is greatly appreciated.

"I pray you can embrace hope with your whole heart and to look the future, happy with your own children."

reverse

Thank you very much. I guess any unhappiness that does occur stems from feeling and wishing I had more support--more family involved w/ my kids, wishing my mother could see the happiness in my children that I see. However, how can I expect her to see that when she never saw it in me? How would she even know what she is missing if she never saw it in her own children? Why would she want to see the happiness and joy in her grandchildren...and the miracle that life is, if she never saw it in me? Idk....the more that time goes on, the more that it seems people keep telling me I should do this, I should do that, you need to do this, but how? Sometimes I feel like I have blinders on and sometimes I feel like I"m still going thru a process in which I am stuck. It's hard to tell what normal is. There's a fine line between accepting myself where I am at, and then knowing when and how to move on...and what that looks like. It's just all a jumble for me. It's also tough that I don't have a strong social support network at the moment, but it is slowly starting to improve. Other than that......perhaps I am holding myself back from being happy and experiencing happiness b/c I don't think I deserve it. Why would I deserve it and what would that feel like/look like? I'm always anticipating doom...while struggling to maintain optimism. I feel bad for my poor husband b/c he's such an optimist and doesn't quite get why I am "so negative all the time"--or at least that's what he thinks. I tell him, I'm a realist, but considering my past...I do feel often times that it is quite difficult indeed to feel hopeful, to look to the future, and realize this too will pass. I can rationalize it, but emotionally it feels like I'm stuck in a depression.

chicory

Dear Reverse,
I am so sorry about your miscarriages, I have had two and I do understand the sorrow, grief, and the desire for sharing and need of understanding. This has been a tough time for you, and added to your grief of foo dysfunction, must be hard to deal with. I hope that you are able to draw strength and comfort from your sweet girls and husband.

Personally, I feel that if and when you are ready to be with your family of origin, you will know it. Don't feel badly about that. It is hard to be neglected for your whole life by them, and then to feel comfortable reaching out. give yourself the permission to take care of your feelings. you seem to be taking care of yourself, and working through some tough things, and on top of that, going to school (good for you!) and caring for three beautiful daughters and being a wife. wow- that is a lot, and enough to focus on, for sure.
as others have said, your children will look back not so much on what family they did nothave, but the family they do have, and the memories made there. and your focus on recovery will pay off, and your determination to keep them safe, that is going to be appreciated by them someday when they are able to see for themselves .

I am sorry that you dont have that maternal support, for i know you grieve that. stinks, i know. but your girls will never feel that way. they are blessed to have a mom who will be sensitive to their needs.

hope your holiday is beaultiful, and full of laughter, hugs, and warmth.

chicory

DesertEyes

I did the same thing with my parents. Protecting my daughter, and later on the grandkids, was #1 on my list. I let my mother see them once, before she had progressed too much into alcoholism. My father I never let near. He was just too abusive and hostile to allow children to be exposed to him.

wow. Good for you. That kind of pressure is so against everything al-anon teaches.

Excellent. If your school has a decent campus you could always start your own meeting. Al-anon central office will send you a binder full of materials on how to start a meeting, how to advertise it, what rules to start out with.

We have started meetings by making them a once-a-month potluck. In some places they took off right away, in others they worked just fine when they stayed once a month.

nope

The goal is to have a _healthy_ life. The anger and sadness for the loss is supposed to fade over time, until it is just a minor ache that pops up very rarely, and is gone with a sigh.

That kind of void cannot be filled. That's not the objective. The point is to be able to _live_ with the void and still have a happy, positive life. The "family of choice" is not a replacement, it is a _new_ family where you can create a purpose greater than yourself. It is the _normal_ way people live.

All human beings loose their great-grandparents, some people never met them. Still, people create a circle of love with those that remain. Grand parents die, and as time passes so do parents, and then _we_ get to be the grand parents. And some day we will pass. The younger generations build a circle of love with those that remain. That is how children are raised healthy, and how they grow up to raise their own children.

The point of recovery in ACoA is to continue building that circle of love with people who are _worthy_ of that love. Simply because a person shares some genetic material with me does not make them worthy of anything.

um... yeah! You have a _lot_ of stress in your life right now. You just moved, 3 miscarriages, going to school. Shrinks put numbers on how much stress is caused by life events, and you are up there near the top. Me thinks you are doing just fine considering how much you've got coming at you.

Of course. If it were a simple thing to do there would not be a huge organization like al-anon, or ACoA, or CODA, or shrinks, or miles of self-help books at the bookstore. I've heard people share in meetings that the longest vogage is the one from the head to the heart.

You have come a _huge_ way. The amount and intensity of what you are going thru is _huge_. That you can still manage nursing school after all that is awesome. Your inner strength is commendable.

I dunno about that. You are fully in Awareness and Acceptance of the insanity of that toxic family, you are doing all kinds of "Action" to heal from the damage they did to you. You have all the important concepts understood and are making progress on all fronts.

I think you are right on the verge on one big "Aha" moment when all this recovery talk is going to "fit".

I don't. I used to have that pain, exactly as you describe it. I got into recovery, much the same way you are. Went to meetings, went to a couple good shrinks, went to college. I had pretty much the same questions, but from a guys point of view.

I did _not_ have all the other stress you are going thru.

What happened to me is I was able to understand the ACoA concept of "forgiveness". I was able to start accepting my parents as the sick, dangerous people they really were, start accepting myself as _different_ from them, as simply a child born into the wrong family. Little by little I stopped expecting my parents to somehow behave in ways they were incapable of.

I began to expect them to behave in ways they had always behaved.

Today I feel sorry for my parents. They were never able to find their own recovery, to find a life that was happy, joyous and free. They lived and died in misery. That does make me sad, because I knew them and for some time I loved them. I no longer hurt because I never had real parents. I recognize that my life would be so much easier if I had even a single biological relative I could count on. But I have come to accept that and live on in spite of it.

People who loose their loving, giving parents grieve for them, hurt for them, and over time learn to live in spite of the loss. My parents never were capable of love, so it's not that different than if they had died.

If you browse around this forum you will see that all of us ACoA's learn to live in spite of that pain you speak of. With time and recovery the pain does subside, becomes manageable, and fades away into a sigh.

It doesn't work that way First you have to separate "forgiveness" from "absolution". That takes a little time, you can browse around this forum and see how we're all handling that concept. The stages of grieving are very flexible, some people do them in a different order, sometimes people take breaks from the process. Sometimes people work a little on one stage, a little on another, come back to the first...

You heal from grief on your own schedule, in whatever order is apropriate for you. Somewhere along the way you will have a clear feeling that "letting go" of the anger is happening. It's like having a really messed up old car that you keep around because it's cheaper to keep getting it fixed than finding another one, then one day you just realize it's just not worth it anymore and you have it hauled away.

That's how the anger will go away. You will be living your life, working your recovery as you see fit, watching your kids grow up, and one day you'll just realize that bunch of "toxic" people is just not worth being angry over. That is when you will be able to "forgive" or "let go", and you will feel much, much better.

Which is how it worked for me.

Mike

Kialua

Boy can I relate. When I had my miscarriage my foo could care less. No one called, no one. After I was used up for all their kids. When I called one of them they just sneered at me and said well at least you know you can get pregnant and she was pissed of that I called her and wasted her time with my whining. duh, thanks.

It's a healthy sign that you are even exploring forgiveness. It will heal you and your nuclear family.

I remember when I forgave my abusive alcoholic Dad and abusive martyr enabling Mom. I was like "oh no I have to forgive him?" I didn't want to and I had every right not to. But I did. For me. It never influenced him one bit, not in the slightest. He never changed for me and drank till he was 83 being abusive and arrested for trying to shoot my Mom. He went through forced AA lockup and made amends to everyone –but me. He actually blamed me, his fifth child for his life. Yeah right. But I was relatively free from all his abuse and control. I had long ago forgiven him and given him to God to deal with as he wished.

Did I still wish I had a normal family? Sure sometimes. Did I dwell on it? No. It is a discipline to stop dwelling on it. It is a choice. I instead expected his bad behavior and occasionally prayed for him.

As you can tell by now you are not the only one who has been treated like this. Many of us have just as bad or worse stories than you. It's your choice to move ahead or look back. I recently read the top sticky in this forum and found this very helpful. It is talking about physical violence but applies to all other abuse as well in my opinion
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-patterns.html

You have to get your kids away from the dynamic so that it is not ever role modeled to them by anyone ever.

This means that you will be alone without a support system.

You might be lucky enough to have a loving spouse, but the truth is that most people who come from these sorts of families have a hard time maintaining positive loving marriages.

It is a piece of what you are trying to change...

... You will most likely be all alone while moving away to a safe location to raise your children. It is very difficult to find a support system of friends and acquaintances. When a crisis shows itself people will immediately assume that you have family to help bail you out. Most people will be too busy with their own extended families to really offer you much assistance.

Do not be fooled into thinking that you will have lots of loving coworkers or neighbors like on television to help you through your problems.

It is rare at best and you need to understand that you will have to work hard by yourself during most of the normal highs and lows of life. You have to remind yourself when tempted to move back to your hometown why it is that you are not going back there.
-------------
For some serious in depth help with forgiveness, which can be the hardest thing you will ever do, may I recommend this link? (with a Christian emphasis, I found I needed supernatural help to do what I couldn't and wouldn't do.)
Celebrate Recovery

cymbal

Dear Reverse,
I'm so very sorry about your miscarriages.
Grieving takes time. You are allowed to grieve.
You are entitled to all your feelings.

In my FOO I didn't feel entitled to feel my feelings, and it felt like others' feelings were bigger. I had to learn to feel my feelings (it sounds simple). I had been stuffing them (with food,etc.) for so long that when I had that aha moment, it was like a dam broke, and suddenly I couldn't seem to take anymore pain because ALL of those feelings erupted that I'd stuffed. I had reached maximum capacity.

Through program people I have learned to think of my feelings differently. I think of waves that pass by, and I make it through them. The slogan,"This Too Shall Pass" was instrumental. When I became aware of the build up, then I learned to ride the waves, but it was harder at first.

I couldn't talk to my foo about them because my mom(and others) did not develop the empathy place. I realized that I was going to the hardware store for bread (see Al-Anon devotional Courage to Change pg 2).
For whatever reason or excuse she did not have any empathy in her for me. Expecting her to was building huge premeditated resentment (See Al-Anon Devotional Courage to Change pg 153).
I found serenity accepting who she is, and she isn't who I'd like her to be (which is crazy-making). Reality is what it is, and sometimes it bites.

((((hugs))))

I'm so proud of the way that you have maintained all those plates spinning in the air. I don't know if I could have done it in your place. Please be gentle with yourself. Breathe. Enjoy your children. Give them hugs. Rest. Do something fun. Relax.

I believe that you will reach the other side of that wave of pain.
Surfs up!
Thank you for sharing your pain with us here. It helps me to see that I may be a couple small steps down the road of recovery.
Thank you for letting me share.

Willybluedog

Reverse,

So sorry about the loss of your babies, my wife lost 3 babies I don't know how she ever got past it but she did.

When it comes to anger and forgiveness I have not done very well, as a victim of abuse, physical (parents) , sexual (cousin and stranger), emotional (parents and ex), bullying in school, I have had a terrible time forgiving people and moving on.

I have always been afraid that if I forgive, then I might forget and then make the same mistakes, so I hold onto anger and refuse to forgive those who have hurt me, I use my anger as a shield. People tell me I am a cynic, like you I feel I am a realist.

I know that depression and anger made me a real jerk, I enjoyed tearing others down because it made me feel better about myself, treatment for depression and counseling made me a much more bearable person.

Please hang in there, if you need someone to listen I will be there for you.

Bill

micealc

I am a great one at telling others how to get out of the Rut,but I cant get out of it myself.Every moment im alive all I have to do is be grateful for just one thing that I can do that another cant.

Around this Time Last year my Work Buddie got a stroke....Can no longer walk...fed himself....Im so grateful I can walk.