NOLAGirl

Hello everyone,
I've been an inactive member for awhile. The last time I was posting on here was during a time when I was making the difficult choice to estrange myself from my alcoholic mother. It has been exactly two years since I cut ties with her; this was the best decision I could have possibly made. I've seen a vast improvement in all areas of my life: Mentally, physically, and emotionally. I am healthy, stable and above all happy. But, even as time has allowed me to move forward and heal, at the moment I am really struggling. I think it is the realization that I have neither seen nor heard from my mother in such a long time, and a phone call I received the other day from a family member regarding her current health. A family member was disturbed to have my mother admit to them that she is still drinking daily. I've never been naive enough to think my mother has ever stopped drinking, despite her denials. For the severity of her alcoholism there just is no possible way she could become sober without help.

My mother is in end stage liver failure. The doctors have made it very clear that her continued consumption of alcohol would lead to her death. When I became estranged from my mother, part of the choice hinged on an ultimatum: She either got help and found sobriety OR we stopped having any contact.

I guess today I am struggling with two things: 1) My mother chose alcohol over me. 2) My mother is choosing alcohol over life.

I've found myself really sad and bewildered while contemplating over these two things.

Sometimes I think...What was it that I lacked that my own mother would rather continue to drink than have a relationship with me? And, why are we (myself and my family) not a good enough reason to live?

I know it's not that simple, I am not to blame. I know it's not about us, even. I'm just a little lost right now.

likealion

Gosh, you and I could be sisters.

For a long time, I thought I was a bad person that my dad would rather hang out in seedy bars than spend any time with me. I thought I was doing something wrong that he managed to ruin every family event. But his alcoholism has never been about me, just as your mom's has never been about you.

I'm working towards complete no-contact with my father. My parents are finally splitting up, so once he's no longer living with my mother, it will make it easier. It's not the outcome I wanted, but I can't control how he chooses to live his life. I am trying hard to learn that him choosing alcohol over me is not because I am deficient. It's because he is.

I don't know how to help with the sadness, though. I feel that way a lot. I feel like I missed the opportunity to know what having two parents felt like. I feel regret for the person my dad used to be, for the person I always thought he could become, and for how much time on this beautiful planet he has wasted.

You're in my thoughts.

firecallie

I lost my mom to alcohol in October. It did feel like she chose it over me and life but I realize that is an addiction and wasn't strong enough to beat it even for me. My mom stopped drinking the last week of her life (she knew it was toonlate) but I am so blessed to have gotten to spend that time with her and get that closure. I truly wish u the best

dollydo

It has nothing to do with you, it's all her, her hell on earth.

I went no contact twice with my mother, once for 4 years and the next time for 10 years. It was the happiest, most calm periods of my adult life.

My mother is an alcoholic, she has been drinking for 65 years and there is no doubt in my mind she will continue to do so.

There is no reason to feel guilty, you didn't do a thing, she made the choice to drink herself to death.

So sorry about your circumstances.

Willybluedog

So sorry for how things are going with you, my mom is the same way, only killing herself a little more slowly, choosing alcohol above all else.

Don't have any words of wisdom, we all know it's not your fault and you cannot fix it.

Please know you will be in my thoughts and that if you want to talk i will be glad to listen.

Peace be with you,

Bill

DesertEyes

Hi there NOLAGirl

I am so sorry you are going thru this hardship. I can't imagine anything worse that having a loved one die from this horrid disease.

I have struggled with those things as well. There's thousands and thousands of people on this forum struggling with exactly those things. I don't think there is any kind of reasonable answer. Alcohlism doesn't make any sense, really, which is why those of us who love an alcoholic need groups like al-anon, or CODA, or a good therapist.

Well you go ahead and be lost as long as you need to. We will all be here for you.

My Father died from complications of alcoholism, a week later my uncle passed, and two weeks after that it was my aunt. All of them from alcoholism. I was plenty lost, so I think you are entitled to be as lost as you want.

What I did was to call up all my friends and spend a lot of time with _them_. Just to keep my mind distracted. I had to deal with all the wills and paperwork, but I did that later. I needed a couple of weeks just to let my emotions settle down. I went thru all the "stages of grief", and little by little I became more "settled".

It still hurts, that they never stopped the crazy behavior. After awhile I was able to feel sorry for them, that they never experienced a healthy, positive life. Today the pain is gone, there is no anger. Just sadness that they were never happy in life.

Getting to that place of serenity took me a few months, and the ocassional bout of tears and anger at how unfair life can be. So feel free to keep posting here all you want. We will listen and "pass the tissues"

Mike

GingerM

What he said. My father is in jail. I was the one who contacted the police in the first place because his actions were so far beyond even vaguely acceptable that someone had to do something to contain him, and I was unable to. I felt terrible guilt over "my" lack of ability to change his behavior before things got to where they are today. I spent a lot of time feeling like I was responsible for him being in jail.

It took several months for me to hit a point where I could say "if he hadn't been doing those things, the police would have had to let him go. If there wasn't evidence, he wouldn't be in jail awaiting trial. It was just a matter of time before he got caught - I just sped the process up."

Some people confuse being at peace with a situation with being happy about it. I am not happy about the situation. It's actually very trying on multiple fronts given the fallout that this has on so many other people who knew him and were relying on him. But I am at peace. I did not make him do the things he did. I did not cause whatever demons drove him to drinking and exceedingly unhealthy behaviors. I am as much a victim as everyone else is.

And like DesertEyes, I feel sad for my dad. Whatever drove him to this had to be huge. To live one's life in a perpetual state of being stalked by one's own inner demons? I can only imagine that it is a miserable existence. I can remember being stalked by my own inner demons before I entered therapy, and it was a miserable existence. But I chose to change. For whatever reason, my dad couldn't or wouldn't.

I don't feel lost, as I feel pretty gounded in who I am. I do feel disoriented and like my world is listing to one side now and then. But I can be at peace with the situation, even when I'm listing and sad and disoriented - because the situation is big enough and bad enough that listing/sad/disoriented is to be expected and healthy. While I'm not happy about things by any stretch of the imagination, I am at peace that this is where I am, this is who I am, and somehow I will make it through this period of my life, just as I've made it through other less than enjoyable times.

I used to wonder what I lacked also. Now I see that it wasn't me lacking anything. It was my dad who lacked something. He lacked coping mechanisms, he lacked tools to work with his demons, he lacked self control and self esteem and many other things. He chose his path because of his "lacks" not because of mine. You may want to ask yourself - if you weren't around at all (say, you died, or you went no contact) would your mother have made the same decisions and continued to drink anyway? If the answer to that question is 'yes', then the problem lies not with you, but with her.

She has "chosen" death over life because life is too difficult for her (for whatever reason - I'm beginning to think the reason doesn't matter anymore). She chose alcohol over her family because her family couldn't "fix her problems" - no one could fix her problems except her and she may have been utterly incapable (not unwilling - incapable) of taking steps to fix the problem herself.

Even in these horrific times, there is peace to be found. Can you forgive your mom for being unable (not unwilling, unable) to control her own demons? Can you find sympathy for someone who has lead a miserable life and will never know true happiness? Can you, at the very least, accept that this is where she is and this is the outcome of decisions she made, whether you agree with the decisions or not? These are the questions I ask that help me find peace. Not happiness, just peace. The peace makes living in the situation easier, again, not happier, but easier. I am guilty of nothing other than being genetically related to my dad and still being in contact with him.

I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it, I couldn't cure it. I am at peace with that.