Father's Final Days
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 1
Father's Final Days
I'm 20, my dad is 50, and in his final days of his life.
He's been an alcoholic for years, I was the only one that had the guts to say anything (I have a 50 year old mother [they've been married 21 years], 17 year old sister, and 13 year old brother) when I was thirteen and he only admitted to having a problem three years ago. Doctors told him if he didn't stop drinking and smoking he'd die and he continued to do both, and now he has ESRD and was brought home from the hospital on Tuesday because he said he didn't want to die there.
I feel helpless and hurt and bad for not feeling worse. I wish there was a way to fix the way my sister, brother, and mother feel, but I know there isn't. My mom is losing the man she loves. My sister, who was the victim of light abuse by him, loves him so much. My brother shouldn't have to navigate his teen years without his father. And I'm here, telling myself he did this to himself and he's a selfish ******* and I feel awful for not feeling worse. I can't help but feel so bad for my family but I can't feel bad for losing him for me. The rest of my family so blindly loves him and I look at it logically and feel awful for that because family is supposed to be about blind love.
He's largely immobile, using an oxygen machine right now, and it breaks my heart to see my mom try to tell him she's sitting him up and hearing his grunt, see his eyes halfway open, and essentially comatose without actually being comatose. I need this to end so the healing process can begin. I cannot deal with the fact that my siblings and mother are in so much pain. I'm not supposed to bury my father at twenty.
He's been an alcoholic for years, I was the only one that had the guts to say anything (I have a 50 year old mother [they've been married 21 years], 17 year old sister, and 13 year old brother) when I was thirteen and he only admitted to having a problem three years ago. Doctors told him if he didn't stop drinking and smoking he'd die and he continued to do both, and now he has ESRD and was brought home from the hospital on Tuesday because he said he didn't want to die there.
I feel helpless and hurt and bad for not feeling worse. I wish there was a way to fix the way my sister, brother, and mother feel, but I know there isn't. My mom is losing the man she loves. My sister, who was the victim of light abuse by him, loves him so much. My brother shouldn't have to navigate his teen years without his father. And I'm here, telling myself he did this to himself and he's a selfish ******* and I feel awful for not feeling worse. I can't help but feel so bad for my family but I can't feel bad for losing him for me. The rest of my family so blindly loves him and I look at it logically and feel awful for that because family is supposed to be about blind love.
He's largely immobile, using an oxygen machine right now, and it breaks my heart to see my mom try to tell him she's sitting him up and hearing his grunt, see his eyes halfway open, and essentially comatose without actually being comatose. I need this to end so the healing process can begin. I cannot deal with the fact that my siblings and mother are in so much pain. I'm not supposed to bury my father at twenty.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I am so sorry for what your family is going through.
I think you have begun the healing process. Anger is one part of grief. The other parts, including sadness, will come in time. We all grieve in our own way, but similarly too.
Have you considered Alanon? It is for the friends and families of alcoholics. It helps us deal with having a relationship with an alcoholic and all that it entails. It is so nice to be with people who understand these feelings, because they've been there too. There are lots of different groups, including in some areas for teens, and for young adults, and specifically for adult children of alcoholics. They suggest you try 6 meetings and different groups before you decide if it is for you. Each group has a different feel to it. I like my group, but I have attended other groups that just weren't for me.
My AH still drinks and smokes and I used to be so, so angry at him and feel just how you described. After attending Alanon for some time, my anger has become compassion, which is much healthier for me.
Sending kind thoughts your way for you and all your family.
I think you have begun the healing process. Anger is one part of grief. The other parts, including sadness, will come in time. We all grieve in our own way, but similarly too.
Have you considered Alanon? It is for the friends and families of alcoholics. It helps us deal with having a relationship with an alcoholic and all that it entails. It is so nice to be with people who understand these feelings, because they've been there too. There are lots of different groups, including in some areas for teens, and for young adults, and specifically for adult children of alcoholics. They suggest you try 6 meetings and different groups before you decide if it is for you. Each group has a different feel to it. I like my group, but I have attended other groups that just weren't for me.
My AH still drinks and smokes and I used to be so, so angry at him and feel just how you described. After attending Alanon for some time, my anger has become compassion, which is much healthier for me.
Sending kind thoughts your way for you and all your family.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult experience. Sending positive thoughts to you and your family.
My father was an alcoholic his entire life and he died last year at the age of 71. I'm much older than you and it was extremely hard for me at the time. I completely understand having mixed emotions.
Hope you continue to read and post here. Sometimes even the worse experiences provide us with an opportunity to heal.
Hugs,
db
My father was an alcoholic his entire life and he died last year at the age of 71. I'm much older than you and it was extremely hard for me at the time. I completely understand having mixed emotions.
Hope you continue to read and post here. Sometimes even the worse experiences provide us with an opportunity to heal.
Hugs,
db
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: TX
Posts: 43
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I lost my mom on October 2nd. She drank herself to death intentionally and refused any help whatsoever. I think once she realized she accomplished her goal she stopped the final week of her life. I was with her at her home all the way up until she passed. She told me that she knew what she was doing and this is what she wanted but it was SO SO HARD. I have to say being there was one of the hardest things but it has also given me the most comfort. She knew that I was there and she was not alone. I got to tell her I love her. There is also a grief board on this forum it's helpful. Also, the week up to my mom's death and a few days after I kept a blog. I don't know if it will help or not but feel free to look it up. It's just random thoughts but it helped me SO MUCH. I can't go back and read it yet, but it helped to get it out at the time everything was happening. I'm 29 btw. She was my only parent. I cannot imagine having to be there for your mom and other family. Stay strong but take time for YOU. Don't be afraid to go to counselling.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 18
My sympathy goes out to you and your family. No matter what the reasons for losing a parent it is never easy. I remember when my father passed the biggest mistake I made was not admitting that I wasn't okay and trying to get back to life pretending that there was nothing wrong. Please remember that it is okay not to be okay for a while. Make sure that you get lots of support and talk about how you feel with people you trust.
Time does heal. I hope that that the fond memories that you and your family have of your father help you get through this most difficult time.
Time does heal. I hope that that the fond memories that you and your family have of your father help you get through this most difficult time.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: S/w england
Posts: 26
Newbie :-)
Hi,this is pasted from another forum I didnt seem to be getting any respose lol so thought I would try here instead...
Not sure ive im doing this in the right place,but here goes..currently I am in therapy for my very loooooong and if im honest destructive relationship with alcohol..im finding that one hour a week(although free)isnt enough.and thought I could try and reach out in a few other ways.ive had an abusive complicated life from day 1 really,i am nearly 40 now,and alcohol,on a binge basis has been a symptom of alot of turmoil and emotional pain.,.as we know though,drinking to "self medicate"often the sy.mptom and starts to become the catalys
Catalyist(sorry phone typo) ive actualy had another far more disabling addiction to benzodiazepines,which has been totaly life altering and in a different realm entirely from booze,but it is fair to say I may well have never have aquired an addiction to benzos if I had not used them to medicate the anxiety caused by drinking...sooooooo I can trace the root back to that.i do not know what my life would be like without alcohol for mire than say,4 months at a time,since I was around 13 or 14 years old. The last few months however ive been doing great with*
A more controled aproach.i havnt been on a bender(that is to say continuos drinking for two days or more)for several months.and feel I have a good grip on that aspect of things.but I still get drunk once a month or so,and it is still I feel not enough.deep down I would love to not drink for atleast a year while I clear my head and work through issuea of abuse.but it is very hard.i have used drink as a kind of counceller for a very long time.i believe it has caused a kind of low grade continual depression,and now when I drink,after a certain amount I will automaticaly slip into a tearful and depressed state.i know this is my mind and bodies way of saying enough is enough,time to find a new way.i am blessed to be in this world,to still be here after all the crazy things ive done to myself,i love life but because of some of the things ivw been through,i struggle..anyway enough of that! Lol ,i would love to speak to anyone here who has similar issues..maybe who has decided on controled drinking or abstinence.how do you cope?what kind of things help you?
Not sure ive im doing this in the right place,but here goes..currently I am in therapy for my very loooooong and if im honest destructive relationship with alcohol..im finding that one hour a week(although free)isnt enough.and thought I could try and reach out in a few other ways.ive had an abusive complicated life from day 1 really,i am nearly 40 now,and alcohol,on a binge basis has been a symptom of alot of turmoil and emotional pain.,.as we know though,drinking to "self medicate"often the sy.mptom and starts to become the catalys
Catalyist(sorry phone typo) ive actualy had another far more disabling addiction to benzodiazepines,which has been totaly life altering and in a different realm entirely from booze,but it is fair to say I may well have never have aquired an addiction to benzos if I had not used them to medicate the anxiety caused by drinking...sooooooo I can trace the root back to that.i do not know what my life would be like without alcohol for mire than say,4 months at a time,since I was around 13 or 14 years old. The last few months however ive been doing great with*
A more controled aproach.i havnt been on a bender(that is to say continuos drinking for two days or more)for several months.and feel I have a good grip on that aspect of things.but I still get drunk once a month or so,and it is still I feel not enough.deep down I would love to not drink for atleast a year while I clear my head and work through issuea of abuse.but it is very hard.i have used drink as a kind of counceller for a very long time.i believe it has caused a kind of low grade continual depression,and now when I drink,after a certain amount I will automaticaly slip into a tearful and depressed state.i know this is my mind and bodies way of saying enough is enough,time to find a new way.i am blessed to be in this world,to still be here after all the crazy things ive done to myself,i love life but because of some of the things ivw been through,i struggle..anyway enough of that! Lol ,i would love to speak to anyone here who has similar issues..maybe who has decided on controled drinking or abstinence.how do you cope?what kind of things help you?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 26
I'm so sorry, seeareuh. We are very similar. I'm 29 and my dad is 57. My dad is a double amputee because he chose to keep drinking instead of controlling his diabetes. I am getting to a point where the next time I see him might very well be at his funeral.
The hardest thing about this process is accepting that there isn't anything you can do or fix -- you are heartbeakingly powerless. You can only change you and fix you. I disagree that family is about blind love -- family is about supporting each other as best you can, but even that has limits.
You're in my thoughts.
The hardest thing about this process is accepting that there isn't anything you can do or fix -- you are heartbeakingly powerless. You can only change you and fix you. I disagree that family is about blind love -- family is about supporting each other as best you can, but even that has limits.
You're in my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
50 is soooooo young to die. It saddens me
so to hear this when someone chooses to
give up, lay down and die.
There are many who have been told it was
the end and for some miraculous reason
they turned their hopeless lives around and
are still here telling us about it.
Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic who wanted
to end my miserable life as i thought it was
21 yrs ago. Family intervention saved my life
and because I didnt want to lose my little family
I stayed and fought for my life to stay sober.
We all have to crawl before we walk in recovery.
Many have had to be carried along the way because
of the lack of willpower to stay sober or clean by
themselves.
I cant save someone who wants to die, but I can
give those still suffering with addiction, hope. All
those who have stayed sober even just one day
is hope. Someone with a month or yrs. sober is
hope. Hope that anyone no matter what age or
what situation if they really want it.
The holidays are amongst us as I send my wish
that ur dad will reach for help in order to live many
more yrs. sober.
so to hear this when someone chooses to
give up, lay down and die.
There are many who have been told it was
the end and for some miraculous reason
they turned their hopeless lives around and
are still here telling us about it.
Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic who wanted
to end my miserable life as i thought it was
21 yrs ago. Family intervention saved my life
and because I didnt want to lose my little family
I stayed and fought for my life to stay sober.
We all have to crawl before we walk in recovery.
Many have had to be carried along the way because
of the lack of willpower to stay sober or clean by
themselves.
I cant save someone who wants to die, but I can
give those still suffering with addiction, hope. All
those who have stayed sober even just one day
is hope. Someone with a month or yrs. sober is
hope. Hope that anyone no matter what age or
what situation if they really want it.
The holidays are amongst us as I send my wish
that ur dad will reach for help in order to live many
more yrs. sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: ontario
Posts: 78
Seear, you have a right to have mixed feelings. My husband's had 3 heart attacks and he does nothing to help himself and prevent a 4th. It frustrates the hell out of my 2 daughters. They're in their 20's - one is 24 and told me the other day that she's thinking of pushing ahead her wedding so he'll be around to walk her down the aisle. He sends mixed messages, "I care about you but I don't care if I stick around for you". Who wouldn't feel anger?
Are you the one who's keeping things together right now? Are you the one who's taking care of everyone else in the family? Maybe you feel you can't fall apart right now.
As someone else pointed out above we all go through stages of grief and they don't follow a certain order. Some people don't cry for a year after a death. You're angry and that's o.k.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, especially when you're so young. It's not fair.
Are you the one who's keeping things together right now? Are you the one who's taking care of everyone else in the family? Maybe you feel you can't fall apart right now.
As someone else pointed out above we all go through stages of grief and they don't follow a certain order. Some people don't cry for a year after a death. You're angry and that's o.k.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, especially when you're so young. It's not fair.
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