EveningRose

One of the reasons I quit calling my mother several years ago was that, in addition to being so negative about life in general and full of complaints about other people, things kept getting back to me that she was saying (negative, untrue things) about me, too. She said some of them to my face, ugly things about how I deserve to be treated badly because I did such and such (things I never did). Putting together bits and pieces I remember from childhood, I finally concluded she has some really negative and off-base views of who I am (such as realizing she's accused me multiple times of lying--it sort of went over my head that's what she was saying because I wasn't lying, I was an extremely honest child.)

So today at a family gathering, this came up and my cousin said when I'm not there, she raves about me and my success, etc., etc.

The things she says about me are so wildly contradictory, I begin to wonder even more if she's not altogether there.

FWIW, as I try to understand and unravel the past and its effects on the present, I look back and remember my father, in the wake of beating her up, dragging ME to family counseling and telling her that I was somehow causing their problems. A friend of hers (actually a mutual friend of mine and hers) recently told me that at 70, my mother still believes that there's a good marriage waiting for her in the future, that it's just around the corner. Is it possible that in her desperation to somehow have a good marriage that she was willing to let my father convince her of these negative things about me, that the real problems in their marriage were somehow me, even though somewhere inside she knows they're not true?

Kialua

I know the feeling. Which is the real one? Both are. That is part of the craziness isn't it?

jOSE2

That so resonates with my life,I was blamed for everything in my family of origin- their relationship,anything they could tagg on me.In the end had to leave and get out of there,and I never looked back.The crippling negative attitudes they had for everyone and everything not only me.I often wonder how I got through all that crazy stuff as a child.
I have this last few years trying of sorts to have a relationship with my sister,and there are times when I see and hear my mother,I dont react now,I take my leave,get in my car,come home and sigh a sigh of relief,and smile,yes actually smile,I am my own person,my own home and peace and quiet and am not going to listen too long to that stuff.

I actually saw my mother when I was a child smirk if she got me crying,how do you tell that to anyone,not because she'd hit me,it was the cruel taunting things she said or did.
I looked at my mothers family of origin a couple of years ago,and funny as it may seem, I have actually not forgiven her as such ,but understand that was how she was treated,so had no positive role models on mothering or nuturing, to bring to me and my other siblings.

Best wishes

danielleinto

My sister lies like that. Most of her lies are exagerations and I let that go - she adds something that never happened to juice up the story. Her behaviour changes while she's doing it, she gets flustered - I don't know how to explain it except that she becomes more animated like she's out of control when she goes there. When it gets personal though is when it affects me. We got into an argument recently and it was about something really stupid and she could have left it there - I would have been the one apologizing and I did for my part. She added a lie to the end of it though and her lie made me the liar. I'm honest too and I'm blunt and honest to a fault. I have no reason to lie to prove a point or get people sympathizing with me. When it's personal it feels like abuse and there is no resolving it because neither one of us is going to admit they lied. How can she get help for something like that? How does she go and tell a therapist that she's a liar?

What your parents did and what your mother's doing now is so abusive. Not being able to resolve anything with a liar is an awful feeling. They likely won't change but you're stuck with the ongoing drama and I don't know about you but I tend to go overboard sometimes trying to defend myself if it comes up in conversation with someone who heard about whatever the latest drama is.

I don't think that walking away and never looking back fixes the damage. Therapy helps because someone's on your side and can look at it rationally. Understanding why is huge. We never forget though and it does impact on relationships with others. I have a hard time knowing when to shut up and I get defensive.

My dad was the alcoholic but my mother created so much drama. I didn't realize how much worse she made everything until I left. The focus was on him and she knew that, she was the victim and made sure she stayed the victim even after he died.

Just wanted you to know that I know how this crap makes us feel and healing from it is healing from abuse. It's a no win when you're dealing with a liar and there's no resolution - it keeps us stuck. I'm puting some distance between my sister and I right now and we'll get past it and move on. I've told her that we do get past it we have to agree not to talk about anyone and stop the drama - no drama.

I think your mother is stuck in victim mode.