newone87

I found this site about a month ago, I had posted a new thread and received many thoughtful responses. i've taken the advice that I was given and tried to do my best. Here is a part 2, if you will, of my situation.



My boyfriend and I started dating about a year ago now. We have become very close in many ways and recently found a nice little apartment where we live together. I feel like we are helping better eachother in many ways and i'm overall very happy with our relationship. His drinking had been a question lingering over us the entire time.

I met my boyfriends family for the first time during this past summer. His family is VERY well to do and successful. They have a gigantic house on the water and a house that looks like something out of a magazine. Sadly my life has not been all that glamorous. My parents are struggling alcoholics and its a miracle I turned out how I did. I don't drink ( socially ) or do drugs and have a good head on my shoulders. Growing up in a household of alcoholics has of course had its long term affects on me. I can be uncomfortable around people who drink alot. My boyfriends family has the mentality of bloody marys in the morning, afternoon cocktails, wne before dinner, party after. Almost every day. They pull it off as classy. I'm not here to judge, it's just what I have observed .

His sister who is only slightly younger than me is finishing up college and moved in with us recently . She will be staying for a few months while she finishes. Long story short we are not getting along whatsoever. I can't put my finger on why. I feel like i'm an approachable person :/ I have lots of wonderful people in my life who I care about and who care about me.

We were making dinner the other night and I started a comvo about what my visit to see their family was like. I very tactfully explained where I am coming from and what my family is like. I was trying to bond a little and open up. She listened for a few minutes and then said " oh ok well i'm going to go to my room " .

what?

I told my boyfriend my feelings on this. I said I was upset that his sister didnt seem to want to try at all. I don't have any sisters and I thought it would be nice to get close over time. He told me that she thinks we have "nothing in common" . Basically that means I dont go to bars every night. I hear her talking to her boyfriend all the time about me . Just rude unneccesary complaining. It makes me really sad.

I'm not trying to throw it all on them. Maybe I was too shy, maybe its because I dont share their joy in drinking . I just know that i've been very polite and friendly and recieved NOTHING in return for it.

Today I was informed this his mother, sister, brother AND sister in law will be staying at my apartment this weekend. I want to run and hide. I feel so incredibly uncomfortable. Maybe i'm just so turned off at this point that I dont want to make an effort. I dont want to sit around all weekend with a cocktail in my hand.


A friend of mine today was talking about how it feels to go against what you believe. Thats sort of how i've been feeling. I joined in on the drinking scene more than I would have merely to stay away from the awkwardness of " why isnt she drinking" .

If anyone has any advice on how to get comfortable with people that clearly do not care for you I would reallly appreciate it!

Maple

You can't control what people think about you. People are always going to have their opinions.

You can however control your own thoughts and behavior and whether you choose to expose yourself to it.

Might be time to think about some boundaries.

Willybluedog

You have to decide are you going to "go along to get along" or are you going to do what you believe is right?

You and your boyfriend just may not be a good fit for the long haul, as maple says you cannot control what they do or what they think. It sounds like alcohol is a big part of their life, can you live with that?

Some people are very uncomfortable when you don't drink or do drugs with them because they feel judged by your lack of participation.

Also, you should not have to put up with her you badmouthing you in your own home, you cannot control how she acts, but you have the right to demand respect.

I believe al-anon would be a good place to work through your issues.

Best of luck to you.

Bill

boudiepitbull

Do you really need to be there for the weekend or can you separate yourself from the situation?

newone87

thank you for your thoughts everyone.

i know some of this situation is very cliche. how many times have two families not meshed right away, millions. I guess i'm taking it incredibly personal because I am an overall kind hearted person. I have done and currently do my best to make them feel comfortable . Engage in comvorsation, try to make plans, what have you. I get nothing in return.

In fact his sister just told me that when their mom comes she wants alone time without me there. I get that a woman would want to see her children but shes staying in my home . My boyfriend and I are a package deal.

On top of all of this, its very uncomfortable to be meeting people who have heard from their own family bad things. His sister had nothing good to say about me to his brother and sister in law who i am meeting for the first time.

maybe this girl just sucks haha. ( really mature of me )

suki44883

If his sister wants alone time with her mom, they can go somewhere else, or spend time in her room. It's YOUR home and you are doing her a favor by letting her stay there at all, especially with the way she treats you.

It amazes me how pushy and ungrateful some people can be while YOU are doing THEM a favor!

Kialua

If this is your apartment as well, you should be asked and you should be giving your permission as to who is living or visiting, not informed. And you are allowed to change your mind if you need.

I cannot tolerate drinking in my home, you have the right to establish your desires in your home. If not, then that is a problem.

I have my own reservations about living together and this is one reason why. He should be more considerate of your feelings and desires than his family of origin. That is what mature men in love do. The family is definitely a problem but it's his job to handle and educate them to be polite and giving to you or else, not yours. If this continues and he doesn't step up to the plate he is not a good choice. This is what I have taught my daughter. Good luck

wellnowwhat

I felt similarly when my MIL would visit. I decided early that regardless of what their family habits were I would be a gracious and courteous host and do my best to make their stay comfortable. This didn't mean I tried to be Martha Stewart, just clean home, tasty food and pleasant conversation.

I also don't drink. Don't like wine, hate beer and after I realized I was the permanent designated driver in the home, no alcohol appealed to me (& I didn't miss it - never could have more than 2 drinks anyway). I would offer them drinks, but not like it was a party situation with constantly a refilled glass.

I did this partly for my AH, but mostly for me, and later as an example for my kids (to use manners and civility rather than matching discourteous behaviour tit for tat, not rising to every slight). I may not feel great about the way I was treated /considered, but I could rest easy that I had done everything (within reason) to be gracious. My side of the street was clean.

p.s. Sister staying with you seems very immature and a bit of a sh*t disturber!

splendra

Stop worrying about what other people think of you i guarantee most people don't care what you think of them.

Many people are repelled by people who try too hard to make them like them.

Also I have found that when we hold conversations if we mirror their body language to them and say back to them what they have said they think you understand them more.

frankly

The peacekeeper. So you are put in a position of having to make everything OK for everyone else. Where exactly do you fit in all of it? When do your feeling and needs become important? "They" can't give you what you need. Only you can give yourself what you need. I know that is hard to understand, because in your mind you are searching for what you can do to make the situation tolerable. No one else seems to be making that effort so it falls on your shoulders. But, only if you allow it to.
When you spend your life trying to accommodate everyone elses needs and wants, it is when you slowly loose yourself. Years later, you will wake up one day and not even know "who" you are. Not to mention that everything you put into trying to be what they want, or trying to be the peacekeeper, will be for not. It want help, they want change except to take advantage even more, and you will be left feeling drained, sad and unappreciated.
So my advice would be...Be yourself. If you don't want to drink, then don't. You don't have to make excuses for that, you don't have to change yourself to make others comfortable. Your job is to live your life your way, take control of the only thing you can, you. They will either love you just the way you are, or not. Either way is a win. They accept you, great. They don't, well, then you avoid wasting 5, 10, 15.....years of your life just to be in the same position as your are now, just worn down into something that you wouldn't even recognize and wondering, what happened and when. The "when" is happening right now.
You have some tough choices hun. It isn't easy, but you are worth it.

Learn to be comfortable in your own skin. Learn to say no. If something makes you uncomfortable, don't do it.

B

kiki5711

they sound like a bunch of stiff, cold fish, as...holes.

doublewhammy

I don't want to comment too much on their visit, because I feel like that's only a symptom of the problem. At the end of the day, you really need to decide if you want to continue living your life trying to prove yourself to people that don't seem to deserve it. I feel like you are bending over backwards to become a person that they will like and no one should ever have to do that. If you continue on this way, you will end up resenting them more down the line. You need to stand up for yourself and be yourself. Maybe they won't like that, or maybe they will start respecting you for it. Either way, at least you will not be compromising who you are, and if things go sour with the boyfriend because of it, well then he didn't like you for you either.