Can we read minds?

Old 10-16-2011, 11:14 AM
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Can we read minds?

Are we all like this or is it just ACAs
Here is ...........................a friends story



Sitting in front of my computer enjoying a little CSI game on Facebook, I could hear my friend moving around the house. I heard him get out the vacuum cleaner and start hoovering the lounge and immediately I felt guilty. Should I have done that today? He probably thinks that I'm lazy and did not see that the carpet needs a vacuum. Of course now it would be too late to offer to hoover the carpet. Feelings of unease as well as irritation pulse through my body. I feel angry with him for putting me into this situation.


"Oh well, if he thinks it's not clean enough, then he can darn well do it himself", I think angrily. It really annoys me now that he expects me to hoover the carpet when I don't think it needs it at all. Why does he always have to make me feel bad for not doing one chore or the other? My home is not dirty or untidy. I think of the line scale marks on the bathroom taps and feel I should stop and go clean it. I could be doing that every day if I wanted shiny taps, even the kitchen sink looks like it's not been cleaned properly after just cleaning it in the morning. This darn lime scale makes everything looks dull. Now my foot is tapping, a pure sign of being irritated.

I play on, daring him to say something about me relaxing with a nice game. I hear the vacuum cleaner stop and now he's running the water in the kitchen sink. What have I not done again, I fume.

After a while footsteps come up the hallway. Guiltily I quickly close down the game and click on my email window. Maybe he'll think I'm busy doing important emails and not sitting relaxing playing a game on the computer, I think.

He's standing at the door. "I'm making coffee", he says with a smile." Would you like a cuppa?"

"Thank you, I'd love one".

The footsteps retreat and I wonder why I do this to myself all the time. I'm my own worst enemy. My friend never judges me and has never accused me of being lazy or not having a clean home. We share the chores and each does his or her bit when they see it needs it of when they feel like it. So why do I think I can read his mind?

Is it that so often we make ourselves worry and fret over things that are not happening or will not happen? We make ourselves believe what people think of feel about us without a word from the accused person. I really wonder sometimes why we just don't say the words and ask the person. Are we that insecure in ourselves or just afraid of the answer?

We can't read minds, at least I can't. I did mention it to him later just to see his reaction, not with an accusing tone (my own guilt made that up). He just laughed and said he had no such thoughts and just felt like doing the carpet. He was never the accuser; he was not judging me. I was doing that all by myself.

I know I'm not the only one that does this, but I do wonder at times if we would be more relaxed and less judgmental of others if we did not think we could read their minds



I can do this as well,
Another one is ,If my wife is out and shes coming back into the house after finishing work or doing some shopping.........Im on edge presuming she is going to say something that will make me feel guilty of.........What I dont Know...its a neucence,I'm learning to Live and Let live.
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Old 10-16-2011, 01:59 PM
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I can relate to what you're saying, and I'll toss out my experience, which I think explains these reactions in myself.

My AF was forever shouting at me to DO {whatever it was} in a tone that suggested I OUGHT to have known. If he was working on a home project, for instance, he would never ask me to get the tools he would need, never explain what the tools were, never tell me where they were. At the instant he needed them, THAT is when he would shout as if I should have read his mind, as if I should have done it already, instead of waiting to be asked.

Keep in mind, we're talking even when I was probably as young as 8 and 9. And of course, it went on until I left home at 18.

I realized around the age of 16 or 17 what was happening, when I worked at my dad's company. He was forever accusing me of 'doing a half-assed job.' (Nice language to use with your daughter.) So I took the job I was given and I did it as thoroughly as it could humanly be done. Guess what. Then I was yelled at for dawdling and taking too long. Once again, I was supposed to read his mind, and know ahead of time, without being told, exactly how thoroughly THIS job was supposed to be done.

Even as an adult, if he came to my house to help, he'd treat me the same way, as if I ought to know beforehand exactly what he'd need, and be right there ready with it.

And sit down with a game...forget it. NOBODY sat in my house. In fact, I was very active in music in high school and went on to major in music in college and become a professional musician, but I hardly dared practice at home, because it wasn't considered 'work.' It was disregarded and viewed as screwing around. So I definitely feel even now that I can't sit and play a computer game (or whatever, just for fun).

So I can see myself reacting as you describe to someone vacuuming my house. But it would be because I grew up with constant criticism that I would believe this person, too, was viewing me critically and judgmentally.
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Old 10-16-2011, 02:39 PM
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Its been staring me in the Face all those years but I could never see it.The Higher Power has put situations in my way for years now.....trying to give me Hints as to what went horribly wrong in my Family Of Origon.
CRITICISM>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>CRI TICISM
Mostly by My Father..........I can Identify with what you are saying Evening rose.
I could never get it right..........I was supposed to know......................how could I know or learn If I was never Thought Properly...................yes I thought I should Know...............but how could I.
This has been happening for the last couple of years at work.........especially with one Boss.......Trying to catch me out..........Nasty .......Thank God I stood up for my self and Told him ...I DONT KNOW.......But if you show me how its done Properly I'm sure Ill be able to learn.He pulled back..............but I was still left to feel I was In-fear-e-or.

{in·fe·ri·or/inˈfi(ə)rēər/ NOUN,
A person lower than another in status or ability.}
I know Im not,and I never was..............It is a dirty Habit that nearly destroyed my life.
I will make it my Lifes journey to never Pass this on to Anyone........Please God.

Im getting better at Standing my Ground..............but I need to Consciously Acknowledge this each time I make progress.
I also think I need to to connect with My Inner Spirit,{Inner Child}.................And get him to understand this was never his fault.................God this is not going to be easy

I still need more Practice doing this...........Standing up for myself.....I also need to do it calm assertively....................I can easilly loose my temper...................Its the way my Father was with me...................Its passed on to me.......We will change it.
:ghug3
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Old 10-16-2011, 02:48 PM
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I absolutely relate to this...never occurred to me that this could be an ACoA trait.
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Old 10-16-2011, 04:24 PM
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Exactly, Micealc! I COULD NEVER GET IT RIGHT! No matter what I did, he said I screwed up. I have come to believe as an adult that it's because AF was unhappy, spoiling for a fight, looking for someone to blame. He snapped and yelled because he was unhappy and then blamed me for his anger.

"Trying to catch me out."

That's exactly how I began to feel, and I realized a few years ago that it had even affected my view of God, that I had long viewed God as Someone Who was going to play word games with me, not tell me what I needed to know, and then CATCH ME OUT when I showed up at the Pearly Gates with...A-HA!!! You should have KNOWN this is what I wanted!

In the last few years since I've cut contact with my family, my view of God has changed and for the first time in my life, I'm seeing Him as a loving father, not as someone dangling answers just out of my reach who will then blame me for not knowing what he never told me.

It's sad, it's scary, to realize what power our alcoholic or dysfunctional parents had over every area of our lives.
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Old 10-18-2011, 05:27 AM
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If we grow up with every statement we hear containing meta-messages, we learn that *all* statements from *everyone* contain meta-messages.

If someone says "I made you a cuppa" and you immediately think "what does s/he want from me?", that's a meta-message that you're hearing inside your own head.

The search for meta-messages nearly killed my marriage. It's taken me years to get to where I don't hear them (except from people who always speak in code like that, and those people I've gotten really good at saying "If that's what you meant, you needed to say it so that I could understand you.") My husband and I both had to work very hard, even though he's not an ACoA (his family had other dysfunctions to make up for it), to get past hearing meta-messages.

Invariably, the conversation would go something like this:

me: benign comment on how cold it is out and does he want to get a coat?
him: so you're saying I'm not dressed well enough?
me: **gets sucked into argument about how that's not what I meant**

After a couple of years of therapy, that conversation changed to the following:

me: benign comment on how cold it is out and does he want to get a coat?
him: so you're saying I'm not dressed well enough?
me: "I didn't say that, you said that. If that's how you feel, I'm sorry to hear it."

Oh my! Did that one little tool ever change my life! I started using it with everyone - coworkers, other family members, people I barely knew - anyone who accused me of saying something I didn't say and didn't mean. Stops 'em dead in their tracks.

Conversely, saying it to yourself can stop YOU dead in your tracks of going down that thought path as well. You find yourself thinking "what he's really saying" or "what he really means is..." Remind yourself that he didn't say that, you did. And you have the option to chose to listen to what he said or to what you said. I normally followed this by asking WHY I was saying that to myself (there's usually an underlying reason).

This is probably the tool that made the biggest all-around difference in my life and my way of being in the world - both in telling other people that I refuse to accept responsibility for things I didn't say, and in terms of finding what was underneath my own interpretations of meta-messages.

Becoming aware of what I was doing helped me realize that the world as I believed it was was holding me hostage. The world as it really is was not the problem, it was my perception and interpretation of it.
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Old 10-18-2011, 08:58 AM
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Pain and Fear freeze out Proper Thoughts.The words I use in a conversation come from Memory...........when the Memory of certain words are frozen out of my Conversation because of Tention and fear i can be made to feel inferior..............by someone in control.

The only way I can cope is to depend on my Higher Power to supply me with a calm assertive reply......................Hope this makes sense

I have to use ordinary words......to calm myself............and converse with others.


I have got into the habit of staying out of other peoples Minds.

I have to practice staying in my senses...........the right words will come if I trust ME.
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Old 10-18-2011, 03:35 PM
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Originally Posted by GingerM View Post
Conversely, saying it to yourself can stop YOU dead in your tracks of going down that thought path as well. You find yourself thinking "what he's really saying" or "what he really means is..." Remind yourself that he didn't say that, you did. And you have the option to chose to listen to what he said or to what you said. I normally followed this by asking WHY I was saying that to myself (there's usually an underlying reason).

This is probably the tool that made the biggest all-around difference in my life and my way of being in the world - both in telling other people that I refuse to accept responsibility for things I didn't say, and in terms of finding what was underneath my own interpretations of meta-messages.

Becoming aware of what I was doing helped me realize that the world as I believed it was was holding me hostage. The world as it really is was not the problem, it was my perception and interpretation of it.
This has been my guiding force for many many years. If someone else wants to read messages into what I am saying that is THEIR problem not mine. And I have to continually watch that I don't read into what they are "really" saying as well. Thanks for the reminder.
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