Please help! I appreciate your time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2
Please help! I appreciate your time
Hello,
Im new here and dont currently attend Al-anon meetings although I have often thought about it. My name is Emily and I am 23.
The alcoholic in my life is my father. Although Im not sure if he is actually an alcoholic or whether my problems with him are really that big compared to others. What I do know is that I do consider him an alcoholic and it does cause me misery.
My Dad has always been a big drinker. I think it started getting bad about 12 years ago. And it really started spiralling out of control when I left home for university 5 years ago. I dont know how bad it really is since I dont live at home but I have been at home for the last few weeks. He drinks every single day and defintely cannot go a day without drinking and that has been the same for as long as I can remember. When I come back from university to visit I have often found him drinking whiskey in the morning. He always has a reason for this, hes "stressed" or he didnt sleep well. But normal people dont drink in the morning do they?
He has recently lost his job (I dont know whether this is due to drinking or not) but this means he is home all day and almost definitely drinking a lot more. The thing that has stressed me out now is I have discovered he is hiding his drinking. Every day he says he goes out for a walk and leaves the house for around 2 hours plus. However one day I left the house during that time and saw him in a local pub. Yesterday he brought home a 1.5L bottle of vodka and I noticed (and said something to him) in the evening that he had drunk over half of it in just a few hours. This evening I noticed that the bottle looked more full than previously so I took a sip and found that he had filled the bottle with water. I know that this is probably not shocking to many of you but to me it was a big shock and I ended up crying over it.
He has already seen a doctor who has diagnosed him with fatty liver which I understand is a step on the way to further health problems. But other than his health problems I also hate him when he is drunk. We used to get on very well and now I just find him very self centred and selfish especially when drunk. He no longer takes any interest in my and tends to rant at me about his views. I feel like I am walking on egg shells around him when he has been drinking, waiting for him to get angry. And he never remembers the next day. It upsets me since we used to get on so well. I have in the past got upset and confronted him about his drinking but he always gets angry at me saying I dont understand. He doesnt think he has a problem.
This may be insignificant compared to other peoples problems but it is really upsetting me. I am an only child and my mum divorced my father many years ago. He doesnt have any other relatives or many other friends. I just dont know what to do. it upsets me to see my father who used to be my idol deteriorating in front of my eyes.
Can anyone offer me any advice? I just feel like I should confront him. He is not going to change otherwise. Please help.
Sorry for such a long post.
xxx
Im new here and dont currently attend Al-anon meetings although I have often thought about it. My name is Emily and I am 23.
The alcoholic in my life is my father. Although Im not sure if he is actually an alcoholic or whether my problems with him are really that big compared to others. What I do know is that I do consider him an alcoholic and it does cause me misery.
My Dad has always been a big drinker. I think it started getting bad about 12 years ago. And it really started spiralling out of control when I left home for university 5 years ago. I dont know how bad it really is since I dont live at home but I have been at home for the last few weeks. He drinks every single day and defintely cannot go a day without drinking and that has been the same for as long as I can remember. When I come back from university to visit I have often found him drinking whiskey in the morning. He always has a reason for this, hes "stressed" or he didnt sleep well. But normal people dont drink in the morning do they?
He has recently lost his job (I dont know whether this is due to drinking or not) but this means he is home all day and almost definitely drinking a lot more. The thing that has stressed me out now is I have discovered he is hiding his drinking. Every day he says he goes out for a walk and leaves the house for around 2 hours plus. However one day I left the house during that time and saw him in a local pub. Yesterday he brought home a 1.5L bottle of vodka and I noticed (and said something to him) in the evening that he had drunk over half of it in just a few hours. This evening I noticed that the bottle looked more full than previously so I took a sip and found that he had filled the bottle with water. I know that this is probably not shocking to many of you but to me it was a big shock and I ended up crying over it.
He has already seen a doctor who has diagnosed him with fatty liver which I understand is a step on the way to further health problems. But other than his health problems I also hate him when he is drunk. We used to get on very well and now I just find him very self centred and selfish especially when drunk. He no longer takes any interest in my and tends to rant at me about his views. I feel like I am walking on egg shells around him when he has been drinking, waiting for him to get angry. And he never remembers the next day. It upsets me since we used to get on so well. I have in the past got upset and confronted him about his drinking but he always gets angry at me saying I dont understand. He doesnt think he has a problem.
This may be insignificant compared to other peoples problems but it is really upsetting me. I am an only child and my mum divorced my father many years ago. He doesnt have any other relatives or many other friends. I just dont know what to do. it upsets me to see my father who used to be my idol deteriorating in front of my eyes.
Can anyone offer me any advice? I just feel like I should confront him. He is not going to change otherwise. Please help.
Sorry for such a long post.
xxx
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome
I am so sorry that you are being exposed to his drinking. My guess would be that he is much further along in his disease than you are aware of. This is a progressive disease that has no cure. He will be an alcoholic all the rest of his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober or not.
Unfortunately, confronting him will not change him, he has to want to be sober, he has to want recovery more than anything else in life.
I would suggest that you read the Family & Friends of Alcoholic forum and the stickeys at the top of the page, lots of great information at your fingertips.
Not knowing what country you live in I will assume that there are Alanon meetings avaiable, I would suggest that begin attending meetings.
We are here for you.
I am so sorry that you are being exposed to his drinking. My guess would be that he is much further along in his disease than you are aware of. This is a progressive disease that has no cure. He will be an alcoholic all the rest of his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober or not.
Unfortunately, confronting him will not change him, he has to want to be sober, he has to want recovery more than anything else in life.
I would suggest that you read the Family & Friends of Alcoholic forum and the stickeys at the top of the page, lots of great information at your fingertips.
Not knowing what country you live in I will assume that there are Alanon meetings avaiable, I would suggest that begin attending meetings.
We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 112
You seem a little unsure in your assessment of whether or not he is in fact an alcoholic. I can assure you that if he has been a heavy drinker for 12 years, makes his family miserable, lost his job, mysteriously disappears for hours, downs whiskey in the morning, drinks half a bottle of vodka in a few hours (and replaces it with water), hangs out in the pub during the day and hides his drinking he is 100% an alcoholic. At least relieve yourself of the burden of accidentally "mislabeling" him. There is no doubt there!
If you confront him, it won't change him. It will likely wind up with an argument and leaves you more upset than you already are. They have to want to change. Some do, some don't -- unfortunately, he is the only one that can make that choice.
Keep posting. Everyone here understands. If you do have access to meetings, try one. It may help you just to know you are in the company of others who understand, even if you don't speak.
If you confront him, it won't change him. It will likely wind up with an argument and leaves you more upset than you already are. They have to want to change. Some do, some don't -- unfortunately, he is the only one that can make that choice.
Keep posting. Everyone here understands. If you do have access to meetings, try one. It may help you just to know you are in the company of others who understand, even if you don't speak.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello Emily, and welcome to SoberRecovery 
That problem _is_ big. The way we define a "problem" is whether it affects the life of people who love the alcoholic. Clearly it has affected you deeply, so yes, the problem is plenty big and you are most welcome here.
No, they don't. It also does _not_ matter how much they drink because alcohol affects people differently. Some people can drink vast amounts and it has no effect. Other drink only a small amount and they are completely drunk. For that reason we don't measure how much they drink, or when, or what type. The only thing that matters is how their _behavior_ is affecting the lives of those who love them.
It is always shocking. The addict that brought me to this website and to al-anon was my ex-wife. I will never forget when I first realized what was happening to her. I cried and cried and cried. I cannot imagine anything worse than realizing that the person we love most in the world is destroying themselves in such a horrid way. It's been many years but it still brings tears to my eyes.
There is a lot that you can do to help your father, but it's not the obvious things. First you need to educate yourself about the disease of alcoholism. We have some wonderful "sticky" posts at the top of this forum and at the forum "next door"
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Take a little time to read those "sticky" posts, and browse thru all the posts that people have made. That will help you get perspective on your father and better understand what to expect.
I strongly recommend al-anon. Even if you don't like the meetings they have a fantastic set of books and pamphlets that are filled with information and suggestions.
Next, you need to put together a "support group" of your own. People you can turn to and give you direction on this matter. The doctor who diagnosed him is a good start. Ask him if he is a specialist in alcoholism, and if not ask him for a doctor who is. Are you in contact with your Mum? Do you have a good relationship with her? Even if she wants nothing to do with your Father she can still be helpful to _you_ as you move forward.
Visit several different al-anon meetings, not just one. Each one has a different "flavor" depending on the people who attend. You may find some women there who are wise and can help give you direction.
After you have done all that you will realize that "confronting" an alcoholic requires a great deal of planning and very careful timing. It usually doesn't work the first time, so you have to do it in a way that leaves you the option of confronting again at a later time. It very rarely works if only _one_ person confronts by themselves, but it has a much better chance of working if you can get multiple people to agree on a plan of action such that the alcoholic can't claim that it is only _your_ opinion.
No worries. This is a very ugly and frightening disease. We all cary huge amounts of pain and it takes time and lots of words to work thru the pain and get back to a sense of balance. You are doing exactly the right thing by looking for answers and asking questions.
Welcome again. I am truly sorry that you had to come here, as I know the pain you feel. Please know that there are thousands upon thousands of people who participate in this website and we all have felt the pain you feel. The details of our loved ones are different, but the disease is the same. We are all here to be supportive of each other and I am glad you decided to join us.
Mike
Originally Posted by worriedandscare 
...The alcoholic in my life is my father. Although Im not sure if he is actually an alcoholic or whether my problems with him are really that big compared to others. ...
Originally Posted by worriedandscare
... But normal people dont drink in the morning do they? ...
Originally Posted by worriedandscare
... I know that this is probably not shocking to many of you but to me it was a big shock and I ended up crying over it. ...
Originally Posted by worriedandscare
... Can anyone offer me any advice? I just feel like I should confront him. He is not going to change otherwise. Please help....
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Take a little time to read those "sticky" posts, and browse thru all the posts that people have made. That will help you get perspective on your father and better understand what to expect.
I strongly recommend al-anon. Even if you don't like the meetings they have a fantastic set of books and pamphlets that are filled with information and suggestions.
Next, you need to put together a "support group" of your own. People you can turn to and give you direction on this matter. The doctor who diagnosed him is a good start. Ask him if he is a specialist in alcoholism, and if not ask him for a doctor who is. Are you in contact with your Mum? Do you have a good relationship with her? Even if she wants nothing to do with your Father she can still be helpful to _you_ as you move forward.
Visit several different al-anon meetings, not just one. Each one has a different "flavor" depending on the people who attend. You may find some women there who are wise and can help give you direction.
After you have done all that you will realize that "confronting" an alcoholic requires a great deal of planning and very careful timing. It usually doesn't work the first time, so you have to do it in a way that leaves you the option of confronting again at a later time. It very rarely works if only _one_ person confronts by themselves, but it has a much better chance of working if you can get multiple people to agree on a plan of action such that the alcoholic can't claim that it is only _your_ opinion.
Originally Posted by worriedandscare
... Sorry for such a long post....
Welcome again. I am truly sorry that you had to come here, as I know the pain you feel. Please know that there are thousands upon thousands of people who participate in this website and we all have felt the pain you feel. The details of our loved ones are different, but the disease is the same. We are all here to be supportive of each other and I am glad you decided to join us.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Emily,
First of welcome, I am so glad you are here!
You need to know that no one her will discounted your problems or your feelings!
Your posts are not too long, come here as much as you want, rant, rave, write novels, whatever makes you feel better, I promise I will read your posts however long they are.
You are among friends, many of us have the same story with only the names, places and dates changed, there is no need to feel alone.
You cannot fix your dad, my mom has been an alcoholic for over 40 years, nothing anyone says or does has had any impact, she chooses to get drunk every single day of her life that she does not spend in the hospital.
Please do two things for me, 1) find a al-anon meeting asap and 2) come back here often.
Bill
First of welcome, I am so glad you are here!
You need to know that no one her will discounted your problems or your feelings!
Your posts are not too long, come here as much as you want, rant, rave, write novels, whatever makes you feel better, I promise I will read your posts however long they are.
You are among friends, many of us have the same story with only the names, places and dates changed, there is no need to feel alone.
You cannot fix your dad, my mom has been an alcoholic for over 40 years, nothing anyone says or does has had any impact, she chooses to get drunk every single day of her life that she does not spend in the hospital.
Please do two things for me, 1) find a al-anon meeting asap and 2) come back here often.
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2
Hi All,
Thank you so much for all your kind messages. I feel happy that this is somewhere that I can talk about it and someone can listen.
Im feeling pretty down about it at the moment. Im continuously doubting myself as to whether I am making a big deal about nothing. I cried for ages last night and eventually my dad heard me and found me. I kept trying to put him off but I eventually I had to say something. I realise it was the wrong time. Of course he got angry, denied it, saying I made a big deal about nothing. But he saw I was upset and said he wouldnt drink anymore.
This morning when I woke up he had already been shopping and bought a bottle of wine. He hadnt started drinking it yet. But it upset me that he couldnt go one day without drinking after he had seen me so upset.
I have been doubting myself all day. But surely if he didnt have a problem he could have had one day without drinking. Now it is the evening and he has drunk 1 1/2 bottles of wine. I left the house all day so I have no idea what he was drinking then. And he can still see im upset all day, ive barely spoken to him.
I spoke to my boyfriend and he said I should go stay with my mum for the night. I needed time to think about it away from him. But I was too scared to go because I knew he would be angry. And then I started thinking about how Im always too scared to make him angry - is that part of his alcoholism>
Oh I dont know, I just dont know if im making a big deal out of it when it would be easier to just let him get on with it. I always think we would get on so much better if he wasnt drinking, but maybe that is just his personality? And I would feel so guilty if he became really ill from alcohol and I didnt do anything to stop it.
x
Thank you so much for all your kind messages. I feel happy that this is somewhere that I can talk about it and someone can listen.
Im feeling pretty down about it at the moment. Im continuously doubting myself as to whether I am making a big deal about nothing. I cried for ages last night and eventually my dad heard me and found me. I kept trying to put him off but I eventually I had to say something. I realise it was the wrong time. Of course he got angry, denied it, saying I made a big deal about nothing. But he saw I was upset and said he wouldnt drink anymore.
This morning when I woke up he had already been shopping and bought a bottle of wine. He hadnt started drinking it yet. But it upset me that he couldnt go one day without drinking after he had seen me so upset.
I have been doubting myself all day. But surely if he didnt have a problem he could have had one day without drinking. Now it is the evening and he has drunk 1 1/2 bottles of wine. I left the house all day so I have no idea what he was drinking then. And he can still see im upset all day, ive barely spoken to him.
I spoke to my boyfriend and he said I should go stay with my mum for the night. I needed time to think about it away from him. But I was too scared to go because I knew he would be angry. And then I started thinking about how Im always too scared to make him angry - is that part of his alcoholism>
Oh I dont know, I just dont know if im making a big deal out of it when it would be easier to just let him get on with it. I always think we would get on so much better if he wasnt drinking, but maybe that is just his personality? And I would feel so guilty if he became really ill from alcohol and I didnt do anything to stop it.
x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Emily,
You cannot fix him and you cannot stop him from drinking, the sooner you come to that realization the better off you will be.
Please do not stay there if you are scared of him, that is no way to live your life.
He could not go 12 hours without a drink because he has a problem with alcohol, he gets angry so you will leave it alone, he denies and deflects and lies and hides because that is what alcoholics do.
You are not imagining that there is a problem, the problem is real and it will most likely only get worse until he decides to stop or something happens to him.
None of it is within your control, the only thing you can control is how you deal with it.
Please take care of yourself, get enough rest, eat right, exercise, get to al-anon, pray or meditate, and come back here often, we'll be here.
Bill
You cannot fix him and you cannot stop him from drinking, the sooner you come to that realization the better off you will be.
Please do not stay there if you are scared of him, that is no way to live your life.
He could not go 12 hours without a drink because he has a problem with alcohol, he gets angry so you will leave it alone, he denies and deflects and lies and hides because that is what alcoholics do.
You are not imagining that there is a problem, the problem is real and it will most likely only get worse until he decides to stop or something happens to him.
None of it is within your control, the only thing you can control is how you deal with it.
Please take care of yourself, get enough rest, eat right, exercise, get to al-anon, pray or meditate, and come back here often, we'll be here.
Bill
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
You cannot control it, you cannot cure it and you did not cause it.
You've mentioned it upsets you. You are not making a mountain out of a molehill. Your upset feelings are valid. Now that he knows this, can you just leave at that? He might act on this, he probably won't, but he does know how you feel. Going back over the same conversation won't help either of you and might breed resentment in both of you.
He is not drinking at you, he's just drinking. I found great relief when someone told me that. I was taking it personally that he wouldn't quit drinking when I was so obviously upset.
And I would feel so guilty if he became really ill from alcohol and I didnt do anything to stop it.
You've already done all you can / should do. He has to stop it. The ball is in his court. He can find out what help is available for him, and where, and how. He's an adult. This is for him to do. But he won't do it successfully before he's ready, and you can't change that.
All you can do is work on you, be the best you that you can be, seek help for you if you need it. That's pretty much all any of us can do.
I know it feels impossible to stand by while someone struggles with alcoholism, but it is truly their struggle.
Wishing you well.
You've mentioned it upsets you. You are not making a mountain out of a molehill. Your upset feelings are valid. Now that he knows this, can you just leave at that? He might act on this, he probably won't, but he does know how you feel. Going back over the same conversation won't help either of you and might breed resentment in both of you.
He is not drinking at you, he's just drinking. I found great relief when someone told me that. I was taking it personally that he wouldn't quit drinking when I was so obviously upset.
And I would feel so guilty if he became really ill from alcohol and I didnt do anything to stop it.
You've already done all you can / should do. He has to stop it. The ball is in his court. He can find out what help is available for him, and where, and how. He's an adult. This is for him to do. But he won't do it successfully before he's ready, and you can't change that.
All you can do is work on you, be the best you that you can be, seek help for you if you need it. That's pretty much all any of us can do.
I know it feels impossible to stand by while someone struggles with alcoholism, but it is truly their struggle.
Wishing you well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: new york
Posts: 29
Hi Emily... sounds like my old man (dad). He's been dead for 4 years now and I used to drink with him the last 5 years of his life. When I was a kid he use to treat me bad. I hated him. It took me a long time to get over my insecurities from his treatment of me when I was a kid. He did spend the last yrs of his life apologising to me. I accepted his apologises and ended up having quite a few drinking parties with him. In hindsight, obviously not a good idea. When I was your age I was only a weekend warrior drinker. Many years later I have become a full blown alcoholic and have at times found myself passed out on the couch just like him. Anyway, I hope that this doesnt happen to you. You may feel a bit responsible if something should happen to him, dont ! You may want to try to suggest and or take him to an open AA meeting. This kind of fellowship may help him. Keep your head up, smile and have some fun.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 52
You are not making a big deal out of nothing, hunny its a horrible thing to go though, especially when you are still living at home.
My Mum is the alcoholic, has been for 20 years and it sucks, Al Anon does help some people - it didn't really help me, I found it more upsetting, but I find knowing my enemy helps by getting books and looking at websites like these. Also get some councelling for yourself. You need to talk all this stuff through with an actual person and not feel guilty about it.
It does get easier sometimes - and harder sometimes, but remember alcoholism is a disease and it's like a little monster that gets into your Dad, so try and remember it's not your Dad you should hate, its the alcohol.
I really hope things get easier for you x x
My Mum is the alcoholic, has been for 20 years and it sucks, Al Anon does help some people - it didn't really help me, I found it more upsetting, but I find knowing my enemy helps by getting books and looking at websites like these. Also get some councelling for yourself. You need to talk all this stuff through with an actual person and not feel guilty about it.
It does get easier sometimes - and harder sometimes, but remember alcoholism is a disease and it's like a little monster that gets into your Dad, so try and remember it's not your Dad you should hate, its the alcohol.
I really hope things get easier for you x x
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
You also need to make sure you start right away to plan how to take care of yourself. Read the stickies at the top of this forum. Learn about adult children of alcoholics.
Start working some type of program such as AlAnon or ACOA.
Post here and ask questions, read about what others have gone through.
You are not helping yourself by dwelling on what he is drinking and doing - that just makes it worse for you.
There is nothing you do that would control the drinking. Crying and begging and pleading just leads to denial and fights and hiding the alcohol.
If anything is there any way you could move out and not have to be living with this. How is this affecting your life. I don't know if you posted if you are in college or working - be careful how this starts to affect your life.
Start working some type of program such as AlAnon or ACOA.
Post here and ask questions, read about what others have gone through.
You are not helping yourself by dwelling on what he is drinking and doing - that just makes it worse for you.
There is nothing you do that would control the drinking. Crying and begging and pleading just leads to denial and fights and hiding the alcohol.
If anything is there any way you could move out and not have to be living with this. How is this affecting your life. I don't know if you posted if you are in college or working - be careful how this starts to affect your life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
Welcome. I am so sorry for the pain and grief and worry you are going through right now. Your story sounds so familiar. It's funny, all of us who grow up in alcoholic homes have the same story.
Everyone has given you such great advice and I hope you will feel strong enough to be able to take the advice. I know how hard it is. I've struggled all my life with these issues.
You deserve better than this. It's terrible when you realize how helpless you are to stop this and that he just isn't going to be there for you the way you need him to be. It's terrible to realize how alone you are in the world.
But you aren't alone - we are here for you. Let us be your family and your support as you work through this.
(((HUGS)))
Everyone has given you such great advice and I hope you will feel strong enough to be able to take the advice. I know how hard it is. I've struggled all my life with these issues.
You deserve better than this. It's terrible when you realize how helpless you are to stop this and that he just isn't going to be there for you the way you need him to be. It's terrible to realize how alone you are in the world.
But you aren't alone - we are here for you. Let us be your family and your support as you work through this.
(((HUGS)))
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