Sisterly Love
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: WI
Posts: 14
Sisterly Love
Why do I even bother? I have put myself on the line for her because I believe that maybe she will change and get better. And more and more each time, it appears that it is just one disappointment after the other and after the other. I am not talking about my mother, father, step-father…but my biological younger sister.
I struggle with denial when it comes to her…because I love her so much.
My mother has been an alcoholic for quite some time now. Once she left my father when I was 8 (I am 34) and my sister was 4 it spiraled out of control…and even though she tried to balance everything away from having to say she is an alcoholic…that is what she became. I have spent so much of my time hoping and thinking and praying and begging and crying and arranging and plotting ways to get her to change. Maybe if I react or respond in this way it will be better. Perhaps we can have the relationship that is considered “normal” and that I see other mothers and daughters have. But over time, I have accepted it for what it is…accepted her for who she is…and started the work of strengthening my boundaries with her starting 8 years ago. That was when my son was born…and it forced me to look at myself and start to change myself…the one thing I can control…so that I can be what I would want him to be..see…so someday when he is grown going through his own life lessons…I know I did the best I could…with no regrets that stem from my own issues I couldn’t face until that point in my life…and allow forgiveness in all areas. It has been a slow process…but I am happy (for myself) where it is at…but it still isn’t easy. AND I find myself being challenged everyday with it. However, I find comfort in these challenges…not always at first unfortunately…but when I do see the beauty in them…I am proud of myself and it gives me strength and inner love.
When it comes to my mother, there is definitely a very thin line of balance…especially when it comes to my two children (8 and 6). However, she makes it easier by living a 2 hour distance away…doesn’t have a driver’s license…and her car barely works. It has allowed me to set boundaries with and for my children (but yet not shielding them 100% from the truth of the situation…or at least until they are cognitively ready), and it has allowed me to surround them with people that love them and set the examples I want my children to witness and model. However…back to the subject at hand…my sister.
My sister lives very close. In the same town actually. Her and her family lived with me and my family for awhile when they up and moved across country and were “down and out”. She claims she moved here to spend time with me and my family. She claimed she had changed and gave me all the reasons for her behavior due to “family issues” and fear. Since I had started the journey of healing myself…I believed her. AND she was another reason why I had started my journey of healing (verses smoking and drinking like my mother to deal with issues)…because when she left my mother’s house she HAD started that journey. Little did I know…she hadn’t been on that journey for a while, and I learned it the hard way. One of the most hurtful things she did “kind of” apologize for was trying to pick a fight about our mother the day after my son was born five years prior. I remember feeling so happy at this beautiful baby boy…and it was like she was trying to bring me down by talking about my mother’s alcoholism. I wouldn’t let her and just about when I was going to get off the phone, my son started screaming when a moment before he was in a deep sleep. I said I needed to go and she said what is wrong with him? I said nothing but I needed to go. Her and I had many painful conversations over the phone when I was pregnant with him…one where I was sobbing very hard…she wanted nothing to do with being apart of this beautiful time in my life. His screaming was a reminder of feeling those exact feelings at that moment over the telephone (that she claimed to call to congratulate me). I think that was my first sign that she is not healthy for my children. And she said she had regrets about not being there for my wedding, the birth of my second child, etc due to her needing time to heal and think things through. But…five years later…I wanted our relationship too much and I slipped right into my co-depenedent role with her. I believed her when she said she was sorry. Even taking care of her children at the drop of a hat…even though I had major family life changes going on in my life, going back to school, moving, changing jobs…and a husband and two children of my own. My husband was amazing though…he knows my depth of love for her…and due to his love for me…and as long as there would be “balance”…he supported it. He trusts me to know…but is very strong in saying when he thinks something isn’t right neither. I was “trying” to help her get on her feet, get a new start…but in the end…trying to save her AGAIN. And back to her “reason” of why she moved here…the truth that I have had a hard time facing in the last two years is she actually moved here to my town because she got kicked out of the family house she was living in prior to my house. She had no where else to go due to cutting ties with all of her family and not having a healthy relationship with her husband’s family. The day she moved out of my house, she picked a fight and we have been fighting ever since. Not once has she asked, sent a birthday card, nothing for my children. I do not expect anything for me…but I won’t lie in saying it doesn’t hurt. I did do that for my nieces/nephews up until about six months ago…when I started to realize I needed to stop being in denial…and start to let go. I want so badly to have a relationship with her and her children…but she is not in a good place…nor do I even begin to trust her not to hurt my children again. My son had a very hard time understanding why he couldn’t see his aunt, uncle, and cousins. I have offered to talk things out (especially for the children), but she has thrown so many untruths/verbal attacks my way that I know I would be going backwards if I sat back and took it. Plus she would easily hurt my children again…and now her oldest is at a place that she would remember me now…and I wouldn’t want her to be hurt neither if my sister decided to change her mind again and decide she wants nothing to do with me and my family. It is so hard. The children and their best interest give me strength…but my heart wants to help her, be there for her, hug her, hug her kids, play with them, have our children play together, and be HAPPY. But I know she isn’t at that place right now. The rest of this is a venting session on what I am feeling about her. So hopefully the pain will be released…at least for now…so that I can find the strength again in doing the healthiest thing for myself and my family now. These are the things going through my brain that I am fighting right now to accept…because I know it is unhealthy behavior for myself…
“Maybe if I react or respond in this way or that way it will get better. Perhaps we can have the relationship that I’ve always wanted and I can have my sister back. The sad truth is, with us growing up in an alcoholic and abusive home, it doesn’t get better, it gets worse…or at least that is how it feels on the inside for me. Things get uglier, she does evenmore things to cross boundaries and violate even to the point of emotional, physical, and verbal abuse when I want to have a healthy relationship and handle things with love instead of hate and attack. The jealousy within her wants to pull me down to where I used to be…where she is used to me being “unhealthy”…all the things I have worked through in the last ten years…and am STILL working through. The minute I ever put my foot down or try to assert a boundary, the responses have been the following at various times…
Rage
Belittlement
Condescending
You do what I say when I say
You do what I want when I want it
You go along with what I want you to do
Verbal outlashings
You don’t love me or my family
Verbal threats
Guilt trips
Lies, lies, and more lies.”
Most of this has been through emails. Very few verbal but there is a couple. Even some from her husband. And many times it is her and her husband both that write the letters.
All of these things I know do not deserve. But it is so hard to not try to reach out in hopes she has changed her mind. But instead of reaching out to her…I am blogging here. I want to stay away from the hate, resentment, revenge, etc towards her. I want to keep on forgiving her but NEVER forgetting so not to allow it again. I want to keep on loving her…keep on detaching with love. But it is so hard. I miss her. She was a big part of me…and still is. She doesn’t believe it, but I always wish her the best.
Thanks for allowing me to let go…this one today was hard but this writing did really help me today. I think with this, praying, taking a bath…and then getting back to work I will be recharged to keep my strength.
Thank you and God Bless anyone who takes the time to read this LONG message about me.
I struggle with denial when it comes to her…because I love her so much.
My mother has been an alcoholic for quite some time now. Once she left my father when I was 8 (I am 34) and my sister was 4 it spiraled out of control…and even though she tried to balance everything away from having to say she is an alcoholic…that is what she became. I have spent so much of my time hoping and thinking and praying and begging and crying and arranging and plotting ways to get her to change. Maybe if I react or respond in this way it will be better. Perhaps we can have the relationship that is considered “normal” and that I see other mothers and daughters have. But over time, I have accepted it for what it is…accepted her for who she is…and started the work of strengthening my boundaries with her starting 8 years ago. That was when my son was born…and it forced me to look at myself and start to change myself…the one thing I can control…so that I can be what I would want him to be..see…so someday when he is grown going through his own life lessons…I know I did the best I could…with no regrets that stem from my own issues I couldn’t face until that point in my life…and allow forgiveness in all areas. It has been a slow process…but I am happy (for myself) where it is at…but it still isn’t easy. AND I find myself being challenged everyday with it. However, I find comfort in these challenges…not always at first unfortunately…but when I do see the beauty in them…I am proud of myself and it gives me strength and inner love.
When it comes to my mother, there is definitely a very thin line of balance…especially when it comes to my two children (8 and 6). However, she makes it easier by living a 2 hour distance away…doesn’t have a driver’s license…and her car barely works. It has allowed me to set boundaries with and for my children (but yet not shielding them 100% from the truth of the situation…or at least until they are cognitively ready), and it has allowed me to surround them with people that love them and set the examples I want my children to witness and model. However…back to the subject at hand…my sister.
My sister lives very close. In the same town actually. Her and her family lived with me and my family for awhile when they up and moved across country and were “down and out”. She claims she moved here to spend time with me and my family. She claimed she had changed and gave me all the reasons for her behavior due to “family issues” and fear. Since I had started the journey of healing myself…I believed her. AND she was another reason why I had started my journey of healing (verses smoking and drinking like my mother to deal with issues)…because when she left my mother’s house she HAD started that journey. Little did I know…she hadn’t been on that journey for a while, and I learned it the hard way. One of the most hurtful things she did “kind of” apologize for was trying to pick a fight about our mother the day after my son was born five years prior. I remember feeling so happy at this beautiful baby boy…and it was like she was trying to bring me down by talking about my mother’s alcoholism. I wouldn’t let her and just about when I was going to get off the phone, my son started screaming when a moment before he was in a deep sleep. I said I needed to go and she said what is wrong with him? I said nothing but I needed to go. Her and I had many painful conversations over the phone when I was pregnant with him…one where I was sobbing very hard…she wanted nothing to do with being apart of this beautiful time in my life. His screaming was a reminder of feeling those exact feelings at that moment over the telephone (that she claimed to call to congratulate me). I think that was my first sign that she is not healthy for my children. And she said she had regrets about not being there for my wedding, the birth of my second child, etc due to her needing time to heal and think things through. But…five years later…I wanted our relationship too much and I slipped right into my co-depenedent role with her. I believed her when she said she was sorry. Even taking care of her children at the drop of a hat…even though I had major family life changes going on in my life, going back to school, moving, changing jobs…and a husband and two children of my own. My husband was amazing though…he knows my depth of love for her…and due to his love for me…and as long as there would be “balance”…he supported it. He trusts me to know…but is very strong in saying when he thinks something isn’t right neither. I was “trying” to help her get on her feet, get a new start…but in the end…trying to save her AGAIN. And back to her “reason” of why she moved here…the truth that I have had a hard time facing in the last two years is she actually moved here to my town because she got kicked out of the family house she was living in prior to my house. She had no where else to go due to cutting ties with all of her family and not having a healthy relationship with her husband’s family. The day she moved out of my house, she picked a fight and we have been fighting ever since. Not once has she asked, sent a birthday card, nothing for my children. I do not expect anything for me…but I won’t lie in saying it doesn’t hurt. I did do that for my nieces/nephews up until about six months ago…when I started to realize I needed to stop being in denial…and start to let go. I want so badly to have a relationship with her and her children…but she is not in a good place…nor do I even begin to trust her not to hurt my children again. My son had a very hard time understanding why he couldn’t see his aunt, uncle, and cousins. I have offered to talk things out (especially for the children), but she has thrown so many untruths/verbal attacks my way that I know I would be going backwards if I sat back and took it. Plus she would easily hurt my children again…and now her oldest is at a place that she would remember me now…and I wouldn’t want her to be hurt neither if my sister decided to change her mind again and decide she wants nothing to do with me and my family. It is so hard. The children and their best interest give me strength…but my heart wants to help her, be there for her, hug her, hug her kids, play with them, have our children play together, and be HAPPY. But I know she isn’t at that place right now. The rest of this is a venting session on what I am feeling about her. So hopefully the pain will be released…at least for now…so that I can find the strength again in doing the healthiest thing for myself and my family now. These are the things going through my brain that I am fighting right now to accept…because I know it is unhealthy behavior for myself…
“Maybe if I react or respond in this way or that way it will get better. Perhaps we can have the relationship that I’ve always wanted and I can have my sister back. The sad truth is, with us growing up in an alcoholic and abusive home, it doesn’t get better, it gets worse…or at least that is how it feels on the inside for me. Things get uglier, she does evenmore things to cross boundaries and violate even to the point of emotional, physical, and verbal abuse when I want to have a healthy relationship and handle things with love instead of hate and attack. The jealousy within her wants to pull me down to where I used to be…where she is used to me being “unhealthy”…all the things I have worked through in the last ten years…and am STILL working through. The minute I ever put my foot down or try to assert a boundary, the responses have been the following at various times…
Rage
Belittlement
Condescending
You do what I say when I say
You do what I want when I want it
You go along with what I want you to do
Verbal outlashings
You don’t love me or my family
Verbal threats
Guilt trips
Lies, lies, and more lies.”
Most of this has been through emails. Very few verbal but there is a couple. Even some from her husband. And many times it is her and her husband both that write the letters.
All of these things I know do not deserve. But it is so hard to not try to reach out in hopes she has changed her mind. But instead of reaching out to her…I am blogging here. I want to stay away from the hate, resentment, revenge, etc towards her. I want to keep on forgiving her but NEVER forgetting so not to allow it again. I want to keep on loving her…keep on detaching with love. But it is so hard. I miss her. She was a big part of me…and still is. She doesn’t believe it, but I always wish her the best.
Thanks for allowing me to let go…this one today was hard but this writing did really help me today. I think with this, praying, taking a bath…and then getting back to work I will be recharged to keep my strength.
Thank you and God Bless anyone who takes the time to read this LONG message about me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Hello Fushia Flower, welcome, I am so glad you came in and shared your story.
You and I share an almost identical situation, my sister is 4 years younger than me, our mother is a alcoholic, both have issues with rage, guilt and boundaries.
I hope you will come to a point where you can just not read her venom, my sister did the same thing to my dad until he was so distraught he had to be hospitalized (it was all lies, I know I was there). Until then please come and vent whenever you need to, I will read your posts whatever the length.
You and I share an almost identical situation, my sister is 4 years younger than me, our mother is a alcoholic, both have issues with rage, guilt and boundaries.
I hope you will come to a point where you can just not read her venom, my sister did the same thing to my dad until he was so distraught he had to be hospitalized (it was all lies, I know I was there). Until then please come and vent whenever you need to, I will read your posts whatever the length.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 8
Hi Fushia Flower-
My story could match yours in so many ways its scarey. Only differnece is, I have a younger brother by 6 yrs, I am 42 he is 36. My mom was the alcoholic and recently committed suicide due to many factors, alcohol being first.
I just cut my brother oout of my life for ALL of the reasons you listed above. The thing for me now, is my mom's death which was only 1 month ago. My brother and my stepdad are all tryimg to play the "mom would want the family together" guilt trip.
I will NOT fall into that trap. He also has a young daughter who he is raising in a ragefull, lying hate filled environment. I had only recently opened my eyes as well, for the same reasons as you but Im just starting out. My daughter is 14 weeks old and he started abusing, cursing and threatening me days before she was born. (All unprovoked) I too was his "savior", took him in, got him in rehab, etc. My husband also kept his distance-he knew how I felt for my brother until I finally saw the truth for what it really is. I cut him out immediately after that, then my mom died. I spoke to him at the funeral, then overheard him insulting me and my family throughout the wake. It was disgusting. He started his hateful voicemails and emails again shortly after the buriel.
I have no advice as I am just starting on this journey, but stay strong. Remember it is her choice to get sober. It is YOUR choice to continue to see the truth as it is. Raise your children, love your husband and focus on them. It is what will keep you sane and loving your life.
At least that is what Im trying to do too.
My story could match yours in so many ways its scarey. Only differnece is, I have a younger brother by 6 yrs, I am 42 he is 36. My mom was the alcoholic and recently committed suicide due to many factors, alcohol being first.
I just cut my brother oout of my life for ALL of the reasons you listed above. The thing for me now, is my mom's death which was only 1 month ago. My brother and my stepdad are all tryimg to play the "mom would want the family together" guilt trip.
I will NOT fall into that trap. He also has a young daughter who he is raising in a ragefull, lying hate filled environment. I had only recently opened my eyes as well, for the same reasons as you but Im just starting out. My daughter is 14 weeks old and he started abusing, cursing and threatening me days before she was born. (All unprovoked) I too was his "savior", took him in, got him in rehab, etc. My husband also kept his distance-he knew how I felt for my brother until I finally saw the truth for what it really is. I cut him out immediately after that, then my mom died. I spoke to him at the funeral, then overheard him insulting me and my family throughout the wake. It was disgusting. He started his hateful voicemails and emails again shortly after the buriel.
I have no advice as I am just starting on this journey, but stay strong. Remember it is her choice to get sober. It is YOUR choice to continue to see the truth as it is. Raise your children, love your husband and focus on them. It is what will keep you sane and loving your life.
At least that is what Im trying to do too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I have traveled this road. I have 5 siblings. I have 32 nieces and nephews that I never see save one or two. I gave my life to saving them and taking care of them with nothing in return.
What I can't emphasize enough is don't let your children carry your burden. They don't need to know the situation. Tell them Aunt so and so is gone now and yes it would be nice to see her but we can't. and anyone else that brings craziness into your life. Your children are your priority and they will never have the cousins you crave. Mine didn't either. But your children will have a happy involved mother that cares for them and protects them. You need to take care of yourself first and not fall into your sister's craziness. You can be happy without her. I know it makes no sense now but it will.
What I can't emphasize enough is don't let your children carry your burden. They don't need to know the situation. Tell them Aunt so and so is gone now and yes it would be nice to see her but we can't. and anyone else that brings craziness into your life. Your children are your priority and they will never have the cousins you crave. Mine didn't either. But your children will have a happy involved mother that cares for them and protects them. You need to take care of yourself first and not fall into your sister's craziness. You can be happy without her. I know it makes no sense now but it will.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: WI
Posts: 14
Thank you to all of you. It helps to know I am not alone in similar situations. It also gives me much needed strength. Melissa 9399...I am so sorry for the loss of your mother...and so proud of you to hear you are staying strong with keeping your boundaries with your brother. I would think it is even harder with the tragedy of your mother...and everyone trying to convince you to do "what she would have wanted" verses what is best for you. Kialua...thank you so much for reminding me to focus on my children. I already knew this...but your reminder only strengthened it. I am honest with them (to their age level of course) about her...and through therapy I have recognized that they do view things differently with their little eyes than I do (because of my experiences). It was their births that I realized I didn't want to put my "stuff" on them like my mother...I am thankful to her for giving me the experience of what I do not want to do with my children verses the other way around. After time and healing...I hope I can honor those things more. But for now...they are often hidden. Unlearning many of these patterns has been one of the most interesting things that has been brought to my attention through therapy. I know it makes me a stronger person and mother 
. Take care all of you...and thank you so much...Willybluedog too .
. Take care all of you...and thank you so much...Willybluedog too .
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