Kialua

My Dad was a functional drunk that beat me and my 3 siblings horribly. He made our life a living hell while favoring the other 2 siblings.

Conventional wisdom and the media both tell us that we are what we live, especially concerning violence and addictions. I don't know if that can be true. I have 5 siblings and none of us ever beat our kids, 6 out of 6 so there goes that idea. Only one of us had a drinking problem but he has dealt with it. We were raised Lutheran, attended without fail, and had to memorize the whole catechism and do tons of bible study. We've always known right from wrong. We all are decent nice people. But more specifically:

• My oldest sister was not beat but favored. She has been married to the same man who just recently passed away. I lived with them on the week days and took care of her kids. they were never beat and there was no drinking problem.
• My oldest brother was beat. He was married 3 times and never could hold a job but! never beat his kids and finally stepped up to the plate for the last marriage and raised his daughter, he had a drinking problem but finally dealt with it.
• Next sister was beat, she ended up divorced and diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. She had twins and a third, never beat her kids, and I lived with them on weekends since 6th grade and raised them when I was 18 off and on while my sister was 'crazy'. I placed them with their father when they were 13. We mistakenly blamed drinking for her problems for far too long but it wasn't.
• Next brother was beat, he is married to the same woman, 3 daughters and 5 grands. great job, never beat his kids. I ran to his house to hide out often and there was no drinking problem.
• I am next in line, was beat but never beat my daughter and haven't drank since I was 18.
• Younger sister was favored. She has 2 kids and 4 grands. She and her family lived with us in our duplex for years. She is very successful. Never beat her kids no apparent drinking problem.

One thing I learned in AA when my Dad finally was in it, court ordered at age 80(!) is that each family member has role they are playing and support the sick family in a pyramid with one another on top and side to side. My role was savior/adult. I was the one that had to take care of all the (grand) children in our family. I loved them all very much and it was my job to be there and was never allowed to say no. I had to fix things that were wrong for everyone. Since having my own child though, not one relative helped me. When one stops playing their role and walks away everyone else falls over and gets mad at the one that leaves. That was me.

My dad like to see me as the scapegoat and he did that with all four of us, though it lasted with me because I didn't grow up to drink with him like the rest of my family did. I instead went to a Billy Graham conference when I was 20 and lived a Christian life that for me needed to be sober and not drink at all. That separated me from my family and still does. My family sees it as judgmental instead of a life saving skill for me, as I had drank far too much myself as a teen.

One of the first lessons I learned as a new believer was forgiving my Dad even though he didn't deserve. I realized that I didn't deserve to be forgiven either. The parable of the unforgiving servant (Matt 18:23-35) was immediately brought to my mind, (no doubt from all my memorizing as a kid) and I saw the need to forgive or be a hypocrite. He was a miserable person and we really never close, but one doesn't do the right thing just for the rewards, one does them because it is right. So, that's how I live.

Thanks for having this forum.

Kahlia

You are right , every person in a family plays a role.....thank you for sharing your story. Thanks for coming to SR. Keep coming back. I am sad for all you have been through. It sounds like my house growing up.

Blessings,
Kahlia

ACOAHappyNow

Thank you for sharing your story, and thanks for being here! I was raised Lutheran, too! (ELCA)

I remember reading once that the biggest difference for children of alcoholics was if they had any person in their lives who was sane and functional, any adult, to provide a role model and help reflect reality to them. Someone who didn't lie to them, someone they could count on. The book said that if children had that, they had a much better chance of being able to be healthy and functional. Was there anyone in your life who served that role for you, who modeled healthy behavior for you? Sometimes we do have angels who come into our lives and help. I know I did along the way. One of my Aunts was an angel who helped me, and my teachers were often angels.

Again, welcome, and thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for what you went through. I'm glad your life is better now and that you got away from the bad things.

Kialua

Thanks so much for the warm welcome. No I didn't really have any sane person in my life. We moved about 14 times by the time I was in high school. So we never knew neighbors or had relatives nearby. It was pretty fend for yourself or sink. I think the only constant I did have was church. And not that I was very religious as a kid, I was a troublemaker, but looking back it helped to have it pounded in and have a constant.

Willybluedog

Welcome, glad you found us, hope being here helps, it sure is nice to just have a place to share with people who have walked the same roads and battled the same monsters.

Kialua

Music to my ears...thanks!