My Story

Old 09-15-2011, 06:25 PM
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My Story

Hello guys, I'm a 22 year old student living with an alcoholic mother and a hoarding father. While both parents drive me almost to the brink of insanity, I find that it is my mother who I am more critical of.

My mom has been an alcoholic since the summer of 2009. While it may have been a short 2 years since she was hooked, I've had to bear the pain of my mother's drinking since I was a child. She wouldn't drink everyday, only on payday or special occasions. However it was on these "special occasions" that bear the most painful memories of my life.

One memory which comes to mind was a barbecue when I was 9 years old. My parents are married, however at that time my mother had a boyfriend. Both my mother and her boyfriend had decided to go to a barbecue that a fellow coworker was hosting. She was "the life of the party", dancing with guys half her age. I was the only kid there, and I had to sit and wait for hours till my mother decided to leave. Unfortunately, she didn't feel like leaving and her boyfriend and I had to force her into the car. I myself had gotten so frustrated and tired that I began hitting her, we got into a sort of fistfight. It ended with my mom eventually getting into the car and going home after I had unintentionally locked myself in the car while her finger was caught in the door. If I recall correctly, when we got home we slept in the same bed and I woke up in her urine, something which has happened a few times.

Throughout my teenage years I'd have to put up with her drinking, and her hanging out. She would sometimes get drunk and refuse to go to sleep, missing a day of work as a result. Presently not much has changed. On occasion she disappears, leaving me to think that she's dead or hurt just like I had felt when I was a kid. A regular day would consist of her coming home a bit late, with a beer or two in her. She denies that she had a drink, and it drives me up the wall. I either cope with it by telling her the agony that she subjects me to, or by sobbing and having myself believe that I'm unable to be loved by anyone.

I've had my own bouts of depression due to my parents. I find that I'm progressing in life, but I'm not allowed to have a normal one. I can't lift weights around my dad because he'll say that I'm going to hurt myself, and I really don't want to hear him. I can't go to a baseball game without calling my mom, checking to see if she got home alright. Then coming home to her drunk, lying naked on the couch. I can't have a pet, I can't speak on the phone, I can't go out unless it's for a job interview or school. It's not against my will that I'm held at home, it's due to me refusing to have a life because I'll just come home to a drunk mother who isn't even home!

I've tried counseling, I even spent two weeks in the psych ward because of the situation at home. All it really ended up doing was putting me on medication, when instead my parents should be on medication. I've tried talking to my family, and they choose not to be involved, blaming my father and me for her problems. I don't even see my family unless it's a funeral, and while they're around they're gossiping about one another.

I feel that despite 22 years of abuse from both parents, as well as my retaliation has made us all look like crazies. Sometimes I feel that I'm the one who brought chaos to this house.
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Old 09-16-2011, 05:15 AM
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Welcome and I am glad you are here, though I am sorry for the reason you are.

I started with counseling about your age, and in the long-term it has helped immensely.

I just want to say that the behaviors that I read into your story at age nine sound like problem drinking to me then. That would have hurt me. If that was then I can't imagine how hard things have gotten in the last two years.

There is a saying that we call the Three Cs
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it.

In addition to counseling, Al-anon (for friends and family who have loved ones with alcohol problems) has helped me a lot. They have books, meetings etc but all designed with people who have been impacted by alcohol problems in their life. You might want to look into them further.

Keep posting, that helps too, and many of us have been in similar situations.
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Old 09-16-2011, 06:49 AM
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Thank you for your Story Rising Sun................any Indian Connections.I used to love watching Indian Films during my Childhood.

The Advice given is what you need to do now for yourself..................you cant change anybody.......... you can only help yourself to understand whats happening is not your fault.......Al Anon.............and ACA Meetings will be of great help to you. Im AA and ACA Myself with a background of Serious Tranqualiser addiction.Cheers.
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Old 09-16-2011, 08:20 AM
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She's had a drinking problem all along....being the life of the party, having a boyfriend, dancing with men half her age, refusing to take a 9 year old child home, sleeping in bed with him and urinating in bed. None of this is normal.

You're most certainly not to blame for any of that. Stay away from anyone who tells you you are.

Are you in a position to leave home? If so, you really need to. You need to follow your own path, make your own life, make friends with people who behave normally. You can't fix these problems for your mother. At this point, you can only save yourself.
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Old 09-16-2011, 08:29 AM
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I agree, you need to get out of the dysfunctional environment you are in right now. And ACA and Al-anon meetings will be your path to a happy life instead of one filled with pain.

When we are ACA's, we are brought up with no idea of what normal is and what is tolerable or intolerable behavior. We have no life skills, and living in chaos and in a crisis feels normal to us.

Welcome, and I'm sorry you grew up with the craziness of addiction, too.
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Old 09-16-2011, 03:05 PM
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Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
Are you in a position to leave home? If so, you really need to. You need to follow your own path, make your own life, make friends with people who behave normally. You can't fix these problems for your mother. At this point, you can only save yourself.
Well it's almost near impossible to leave home because what they want for rent is so high. I figure when worse come to worse I'll join the army or something.

Thank you all for your reflections, it made me feel a bit better
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Old 09-17-2011, 11:52 PM
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risingsun, I have bipolar 2 and I was diagnosed during my 1 and only trip to the psych ward and that was for a suicide attempt. I was raised in a hell hole and I'm sure that the dysfunction was the trigger that set off the illness. You mention 2 weeks in the psych ward, did you get a referral to a psychiatrist and therapist? If you have a mental illness and remain in that house you need a support system and a therapist/counsellor is a good way to get that. I realize you tried counselling but maybe you didn't click with that counsellor. Try another one and give it a few appts. before you write it off. Those first 2 or 3 can be uncomfortable.

For now don't think about "who" triggered you. Deal with the diagnosis and get healthy.
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Old 09-18-2011, 01:26 PM
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Well the only condition that I'm aware of is depression. The reason I checked myself into the psych ward was because I was depressed, no more than I am now. I was just frustrated with everything that I just stayed in bed for 2 days and didn't want to do anything besides stare at the ceiling. It was through my mother's nagging and promising that better days lie ahead that I checked myself in.

The only reason I stayed for 2 weeks was either because it looked like I was contemplating suicide or because they were testing their medication and its response to my epilepsy. It was a complete waste of time.

I saw a psychologist on a regular basis for about 5-6 months, the medication had no effect on me. I told them this, and they said I had to wait for it to take effect. After a few months I just asked if they would take me off the medication. The psychologist and I got along well, even calling in my mother to speak to her about our differences. It didn't turn out so well because my mother denied everything I said, and I ended up walking out of her office because she believed her.
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Old 09-18-2011, 02:11 PM
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Hey risingsun, I'm so sorry that the counselling didn't go well. Obviously it was a big mistake on the psych's part getting your mother in there. It is true that it can take awhile for meds to kick in and they often have to switch you until they find one that works. For myself I don't believe that antidepressants mean that you need to take them for life. With my being bipolar I was first diagnosed with depression/anxiet and they put me on SSRI's and it made me worse without a mood stabilizer. By the way most of the mood stabilizers are epilepsy drugs. I'm on lamictal.

I'll tell you how I dealt with the issues of being raised by an alcoholic father. I hated him. I went to an addiction counsellor. You need a counsellor who knows addiction. I'd been to regular therapists before and they didn't address those issues. I came out of the ACOA'c therapy accepting that my father had done the best with what he had. I'm not saying the pain went away but I was able to move on and quit being a victim. I own my own problems now. There are ACOA groups which are not affiliated with AA. I have never been comfortable with working a "program". Maybe the psych you were seeing can hook you up with some referrals.

I've read that 80% of people with MI have had traumatic childhoods. Being raise in a home with a hoarder and an A is traumatic but the blame game isn't going to help you. Your parents are likely MI. Most alcoholics suffer from depression but they often don't know which came first. I know I self-medicated and I have no clue how I'm not an alcoholic/addict today. Once the bp was treated the self-medication wasn't neccessary anymore.

If you're convinced that the depression was an isolated incident and there's nothing chronic going on then deal with what's going on in that house. I was away from home when I did the work in ACOA counselling and believe me it was work but so worth it.
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Old 09-18-2011, 02:37 PM
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Just to add. When I say deal with what's going on in that house I don't mean to fix it. When I left home my mother made me feel guilty. I realize now that she was "my" parent and she expected me to be "her" parent - that's dysfunctional. What's going on in your home is NOT your fault. They're adults and you deserve so much more and it sucks but through therapy you'll understand that it is what it is and it's not your problem it's their problems.
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Old 09-18-2011, 07:05 PM
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risingsun, glad you are here. I understand what you are going through. But now it is important to be your own person and leave them behind. Find roommates and get out of there. Be careful picking your roommates or you will only get more trouble if they are party'ers. You really have to care for yourself and stop worrying about your parents. They are going to do what they do no matter what you do. Good luck.
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Old 09-18-2011, 08:45 PM
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Welcome, so sorry for all that you are going through. Please take a little time to think about yourself, are you eating ok, getting enough sleep, if you cannot lift weights than walk, run , bike or yoga but keep exercising.

Can you find a roomate or 2 or 3 and share a place, are you willing to pack up and move?

I am 49, my mom has been an alocholic most of my life, NOTHING I have attempted to do has had any impact on her drinking, the only person you can control is you.

Try another psychologist or therapist, try different medicines for depression, it does not always go smoothly, but you only lose when you stop trying.

Please take care,
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Old 09-19-2011, 04:28 PM
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Thank you all for your concern. I really am trying to get my life back on track, I have an appointment with a counselor on Friday. As for getting out and living on my own, I find it near impossible since I live in a city where average rent is over a $1000. Right now I'm just trying to find a close group of friends irl, so I don't have to be at home all the time.
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Old 09-19-2011, 05:11 PM
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But if you just got some roommates you wouldn't have to pay more than 3 or 400 for rent. If you can swing it at all give it some thought. Otherwise, yeah just keep out of the house as much as you can. It is an emotional toll being around their craziness too much.
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Old 09-21-2011, 07:45 PM
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For the time being, how do I deal with this on a daily basis? I mean I'm fighting a war on two fronts. My father on one side, a paranoid racist hoarder. And then there's my mother who doesn't come home drunk out of her mind, but had 1 or 2 in her. Alone I stand, unable to enjoy anything whatsoever.

They hit each other, especially my father. It's not a beating, but he'll hit her if what she says angers him or if she stole money for a pack of cigarettes. My mother hits him out of frustration or in response to him hitting her.

I'm guilty of partaking in the physical abuse as well, more so on my mother. I suppose that makes me as bad as they are. And if there isn't any hitting there are always arguments everyday, several times a day.

I can't stand when of either of my parents say "that thought was put in your head by your mother/father." They've been doing this to me since I was a child, and I always have to second guess myself and think if one of my parents implanted that thought into my head.

My mother having a beer everyday, or who knows how much since I don't know what she drinks. Having to see her naked at 2 in the morning, after her drink. Naked with the blankets and some pillows on the floor, her on the couch with the air conditioner blasting in 55 degree weather. Dealing with it day after day, smelling her body odor, seeing the place where I came out of on occasion.

I know it makes me just as bad as they are in my case because I have to threaten my mother in order for her to go to sleep. Or when she gaslights me, saying that she isn't drunk, that she didn't have a drink. Then I have to see and "smell" her.

It just makes me so angry, and both my parents believe this is normal behavior and I have some sort of mental illness.
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Old 09-22-2011, 05:08 AM
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If you must stay there for a while, you will have to, have to, have to realize that you can not deal with these issues for your parents. You will really have to learn that you can not do anything about your mom coming home with 1 or 2 beers in her. It is what it is. You know it's going to happen, so try not to be so let down when it does. You are setting yourself up for disappointment if you are expecting something else, even though you already know it's going to happen. If she comes home with a few beers in her....she does. You can't change that.

If you come home and find her naked on the couch, try coming in a side or back door where you literally don't have to walk past her. And then DON'T! Don't look at her, just go the other way and go straight to your room. Is that an option?

Do not threaten your mother, you can not make her go to sleep and her going to sleep is not going to change the fact she is drunk. It also is not going to change tomorrow. You have to realize that you can not change this situation and that whatever altercations that comes out of your attempts are only going to look bad on you and then make you feel worse about yourself --- because you will feel guilty for your actions. I would say your biggest challenge right now would be to do your best to learn to just accept it for what it is, you are not going to be able to change this situation. Stay out of the fights, stay away from the drama. Make GOOD friends, not just any old friends to get you out of the house. Try to find another job, concentrate on school, etc. positive changes to YOUR life. That's the only thing you have the power to change...yourself!

Work hard to make yourself feel better and to build a plan to get out. This is not your responsibility and no matter what you try to do, you will not be able to fix it. Your parents think it is normal behavior because they are both sick, you can not reason with people like that. You will not get them to realize it is them and not you. That will not happen. Stop trying. I have been in your shoes. You will not change them, you can only save yourself. I promise you.
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Old 09-22-2011, 05:38 AM
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Risingsun,

I am soooo sorry that you have had to live this way. the good news is, you dont have to be like them.

It isn't your fault. They are sick. They will do this, no matter what. The best thing for everyone, especially you, is for you to get out of there. And to get counsel, so you can shed the nasty awful influence of the bad memories. You should never have had to live that way. And who can blame a child for being angry and resorting to hitting, when he is living in a He!! like that? My sister once hit my mom in the chest, for coming at her after she realized that my sister had put water in the vodka , hoping to lessen the he!! my mom put her through nightly. my sister is the most meek person ever. and now, would not hurt a fly. it only surprised my mom, did not hurt her, but gave her a shock!

Please , think of finding a meeting . like alanon. family members of alcoholics. you would find support and perhaps some connections that can help you find a way to move out. Get yourself some good counselling, so you can put this nightmare behind yourself, and get out and have yourself the kind of life you want. something else to focus on, besides the home life there. no child should have to see a parent naked, in that situation it would be shocking and totally you have been a victim of this abuse, not the cause of it.

I send hugs, and hope that you will do something each day to move forward and out of there. you can have a good life. You may however need help shedding the dysfunctional atmosphere that your parents have thoughtlessly put you in. if you have a job, and health care you might have mental health provisions?

my best to you, prayers and good wishes for good things -whatever you desire.

hugs
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Old 09-23-2011, 08:29 PM
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What great advice. This is such a safe place to find good advice. Risingson, please don't take this on yourself. Your parents are in a crazy place. Do your best to ignore it and not engage them. I know it's hard and all within you wants to cry out and fix it or shake them to their senses. But it won't work. Moving on with your life and being successful will work for you. No matter how long it takes. Just pit stop at home to sleep and then leave first thing in the morning. Can you put a lock on your door that they can't open? Stay safe.
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Old 09-28-2011, 07:33 PM
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Hi I'm 21 year old also stuck in my parents house. I live in one of the most overpriced town in my country and I'm not rich, there is no way for me to just go live somewhere else soon.
I go to college in the morning but that's all..I stay at home mostly of the remainder of the day. My mother is retired and my father "works" at home. They stay at home all day fighting and yelling at each other.
My father is also a paranoid racist hoarder. He doesnt drink anymore but he still a nasty person. My mother is a woman that is completely obsessed with homework. She get up everyday and starts cleaning the house at 8AM and goes until 10PM. Everything looks perfect here. That's the only thing that she does with her life. My parents have no social life at all. Few people are capable of being around them.
Since I was a kid I wanted to go away from here and never come back. I was to do everything to move away from here but I discovered alcohol and internet porn along the way and these addictions kept me dragging me down and I still here. I feel like a total loser.
I'm trying to follow the suggestions that people here gave me, but it is anything but easy. Today my parents drove me nuts with their noise. I have to lock myself in my room and put on headphones or just get out of the house (to make matters worse, my house is small), if I'm to still sane.
I'm feeling very depressed now. Everytime that I talk to my parents looks like everything good in life, that I'm should be grateful for, lose it's sense. It's like everytime I talk to them a little part of me dies.
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Old 09-28-2011, 08:33 PM
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Andre you have got to get to al-anon and find somewhere else to hang out, is there a campus counseling center at your university you can go to?

If you cannot get help please come here every day and give us an update, I'm not saying we can solve your problems but start a new thread where we can be there for you.

Man this is just ****** for you, I'm so sorry, my mom has been an alcoholic for 40 years, my mom and dad fought alot, I stayed there so she would have someone to keep an eye on her as my dad worked 80+ hours a week.

You can get through this, I am rooting for you.

WBD
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