MyGypsy

I'm new here, and I guess I just feel like I need to tell my story to people who have been where I've been. Every once in a while, all my feelings from my childhood come welling up, and I don't know what to do about it. I was doing a little research on Adult children of addicts and found this place, so I hope you don't mind if I share.
I was raised until the age of 9 by my multi drug addicted mother. I was her primary caretaker when she was high, and for the most part ignored when she was not. Although physical and sexual abuse was not an issue, mental neglect, as well as manipulation were her controls. She was impulsive with her discipline, I once was caught sneaking a sip of beer at a party (I was 4, and there was nothing else for me to drink for the hours we were there) as a punishment she forced me to drink until I passed out, forcing me to walk a straight line after each beer in front of her friends. but the next party, I was offered beer as if it was koolaid, so I never really understood, clearly, what the rules were.
My mother overdosed when I was 18, 9 years after I was taken and placed with my father ( who has PTSD from the Vietnam war, and was almost as mentally harmful as my mother, although he was completely sober.) I have never really dealt with how I felt when she died, or how I felt about my childhood.
I guess I'm here because I need someone to listen who act horrified by my childhood. I feel this overwhelming desire to tell people who I am, but I hate when people pity me, or act as though I'm somehow less than I truly am. I guess what I really want is someone to say " I understand, and you aren't alone." I'm married to a wonderful, supportive man and I have a daughter who is strong and smart, and everything I wasn't when I was her age, and I sometimes feel like I faked my way into this life. I feel that if people knew who I truly was, they would stay away from me. Does anyone else feel like that? Like everything you have you were given because you had fooled everyone?

Thank you for listening. I think the anniversary of my mothers death is looming and it's getting harder to deal with now that I'm older.

bluebelle

I certainly understand how you feel. My feelings yo-yo, but sometimes I feel inadequate and not worth it. I seem to have taken some of the words/actions of my parents and they come to my mind as an adult--especially, in times of stress. Your mother's behavior was abusive and must have been very confusing. I can't imagine what it is like to have lost your mother at 18. My addict mother and addict/alcoholic father are still alive. My parents are a mess, and I also don't want to feel pity for my experiences. I do feel like a fake sometimes and like I am fooling people.

Have you tried talking to a counselor? I have had counselors on and off since I was 19, and I think it helps. It is someone that I can talk to that I don't have to worry that they think I'm whining, or they won't judge me for what I've been through. Sometimes, I feel that if I tell the people around me my story, they will think I'm crazy.

I share must of everything with my RABF, and I have a few friends that know a lot of my story. Some people on here will probably suggest meetings, and you might want to try that. I've never been to one. I have books that I read about codepdency and now I'm reading a book about sexual abuse (it was occuring in my family). I've also done some workbooks on depression/anxiety. I've also done writing exercises, and kept journals. Have you tried journaling?

ACOAHappyNow

Welcome! I'm sorry for the horrific abuse you endured and the harm that came to you.

ACA meetings are a great path to healing if you can find one in your area! I wish you happiness and healing.

Willybluedog

Gypsy, so glad you have found us, you are always most welcome, come as often as you want and just pour it out, for me it's like purging poison.

I cannot promise I will be here every day, although I try, this is a great group of folks here, and most have walked in your shoes.

I have not lost my mother, rather she is in her 70's and is hell bent on drinking herself to death, some days she is self-absorbed and mean spirited, other days she is just self absorbed. She cheated on my father and broke his heart, he has stayed with her because he believes she will not drink as much if he is around to ride herd on her.

As a man who was sexually abused (both by a stranger and a family member) you don't want people to know about what happened because you are afraid of how it reflects on you, what did I do to bring this on. I know exactly how you feel, you feel like you have a sign on your forehead that says "damaged goods" Many times I have felt that I deserved bad things to happen to me.

Well here you are among friends, you can tell your story, there are no judges and juries here!

Please come back often.

Kialua

Welcome, yes I understand where you come from and how you feel now. I raised a daughter and at every stage of her growing up I constantly compared how my parents poor nurturing hurt me and how I tried to be a good Mom for her. I was constantly feeling like wow, they did this, they never did this. It was so awesome to go through. Now she is in college struggling and I still feel that way. Like how can I help her instead of being kicked out when I had to wait for fall for my promotion, that I lost.

You are not a fraud, what happened happened and it wasn't your fault and it doesn't diminish your worth as a person. Many people can understand that, some don't. I've shared a lot with people about my early childhood and they weren't as condemning as I thought they would be. If they are, well they are not good people and I'm better off without them anyway, might as well know sooner than later and not invest emotionally in them then. This is how I find 'safe' people.