My Mom committed suicide- UPDATE
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 8
My Mom committed suicide- UPDATE
Well first I need to thank everyone here for all of your kind and very wise words. I had only just found this site and I have never found so many like minded people in one place in my life.
At thw wake/ funeral -after several attempts to talk to my stepfather- kindly, compassionately, he told me he feels sorry for me because I have to live with this., that my mom died with a broken heart because of me, etc. That when all calms a bit we will sit down and talk. My brother watched us talk and tried very hard to keep that from happening. You see my mother died holding all his secrets and lies. That he's drinking again, the abusiveness to his wife, his neglect of his 2 yr old daughter. She hid it all, as she didnt want my stepfather to "cut my brother off". (They are wealthy). I wasnt speaking to my brother either when I got the news of my moms death. He is a beligerent mean nasty drunk who likes to call people late into the night and tell them off. He referred to my 11week old daughter as a "thing", the names he called me and my husband are not fit to write here.
Prior to this relapse (he was sober 7 yrs), I had always taken care of him. I was the mother figure, I got him into rehab. My husband got him a job after he got out, he lived with us on at least 3 occasions. See the pattern? I have always picked him up. Now Im done.
At the wake and funeral, I discovered that my brother (who is currently active in his disease), was fired from yet another job just prior to my mom killing herself, and that he was the last one to speak to her 45 mins before she died. He ofcourse didnt tell me this. Neither my brother or my stepfather acknowledged my new baby, not a word.
Now if I have learned anything from this tragedy it is I will NO LONGER sign off on this behavior. I will not participate in the lying, sneaking, cheating and backstabbing. I have no interest in my stepfather's money, never did. I have no interest in entertaining my brothers behavior and do not want it in my life, or around my daughter.
SO the advice I ask is how do I go about handling this? I dont even want to speak to him. When he calls (he called twice since the funeral a week ago), I actually get a physical reaction of anxiety. If I eventually speak to my stepfather (which is possible, he most likely will call me.), if he asks questions, I will answer honestly, I will let him know my mom killed herself with alot of secrets and guilt. This ofcourse will cause more drama and drunken rage from my brother.
Whatever.
Do I email him? Tell him until he cleans up his act stop calling me? The thought of talking to him on the phone actually makes my stomach turn.
At thw wake/ funeral -after several attempts to talk to my stepfather- kindly, compassionately, he told me he feels sorry for me because I have to live with this., that my mom died with a broken heart because of me, etc. That when all calms a bit we will sit down and talk. My brother watched us talk and tried very hard to keep that from happening. You see my mother died holding all his secrets and lies. That he's drinking again, the abusiveness to his wife, his neglect of his 2 yr old daughter. She hid it all, as she didnt want my stepfather to "cut my brother off". (They are wealthy). I wasnt speaking to my brother either when I got the news of my moms death. He is a beligerent mean nasty drunk who likes to call people late into the night and tell them off. He referred to my 11week old daughter as a "thing", the names he called me and my husband are not fit to write here.
Prior to this relapse (he was sober 7 yrs), I had always taken care of him. I was the mother figure, I got him into rehab. My husband got him a job after he got out, he lived with us on at least 3 occasions. See the pattern? I have always picked him up. Now Im done.
At the wake and funeral, I discovered that my brother (who is currently active in his disease), was fired from yet another job just prior to my mom killing herself, and that he was the last one to speak to her 45 mins before she died. He ofcourse didnt tell me this. Neither my brother or my stepfather acknowledged my new baby, not a word.
Now if I have learned anything from this tragedy it is I will NO LONGER sign off on this behavior. I will not participate in the lying, sneaking, cheating and backstabbing. I have no interest in my stepfather's money, never did. I have no interest in entertaining my brothers behavior and do not want it in my life, or around my daughter.
SO the advice I ask is how do I go about handling this? I dont even want to speak to him. When he calls (he called twice since the funeral a week ago), I actually get a physical reaction of anxiety. If I eventually speak to my stepfather (which is possible, he most likely will call me.), if he asks questions, I will answer honestly, I will let him know my mom killed herself with alot of secrets and guilt. This ofcourse will cause more drama and drunken rage from my brother.
Whatever.
Do I email him? Tell him until he cleans up his act stop calling me? The thought of talking to him on the phone actually makes my stomach turn.
How about just blocking them with no explanation. Do they really deserve one? They sound like truly horrible people. If it were me, I wouldn't feel one ounce of guilt by just cutting them off at the knees.
I agree with suki, just shut them out, if you must communicate with your stepfather then write a letter. I wold change my phone number and make it unlisted, only giving it to the people who support you.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I cut my mom off because I'd get the sick, anxious, gut wrenching feelings you're describing every time she called... she overdosed and died from complications. We'll never know if it was intentional, but she had a history of OD'ing, so I just consider it a suicide.
Take care of you! I know, in my heart... deep down, even though I feel so incredibly guilty, that my mom would understand and did understand that I was only protecting myself. She loved me as much as an addict could... and I'm speaking as a former addict. We both were alcoholics. She's dead now. I'm sober. But... first and foremost, you MUST protect yourself. I don't think my mom would hold it against me that I did what I did. I had to shut her out to get my life together.
What others do, they are responsible for... even if they are drinking or doing drugs. My mom had many, many chances to change things for herself. I am NOT responsible for her actions.
So... I can understand your feelings in this situation even thought it's different than mine. Just protect and take care of you.
Take care of you! I know, in my heart... deep down, even though I feel so incredibly guilty, that my mom would understand and did understand that I was only protecting myself. She loved me as much as an addict could... and I'm speaking as a former addict. We both were alcoholics. She's dead now. I'm sober. But... first and foremost, you MUST protect yourself. I don't think my mom would hold it against me that I did what I did. I had to shut her out to get my life together.
What others do, they are responsible for... even if they are drinking or doing drugs. My mom had many, many chances to change things for herself. I am NOT responsible for her actions.
So... I can understand your feelings in this situation even thought it's different than mine. Just protect and take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Bethany Beach, DE
Posts: 30
boy this feels like what I am dealing with right now. My mom tried to drink herself to death and been in the hospital since Friday or Thursday, no one calls me to tell me anything since "I don't care" anymore according to them. What a crazy mess addiction can be. so sad to lose
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. I'm sorry too that you got dealt such a lousy family in life. I agree with Suki, you don't owe them anything. You deserve to be happy and healthy and I think the only way you can do that, is to separate from those people.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through and I wish you comfort and strength at this time.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through and I wish you comfort and strength at this time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: ontario
Posts: 78
Most suicides are not personal. Your step father blaming you is cruel, heartless and it's ignorant. Most people who commit suicide are mentally ill, they are not thinking rationally. Your brother likely added to her stress but even he likely didn't cause this. When you're ready perhaps consider a support group like this one aimed at people who've lost a loved one to suicide.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now.
As for your brother. Take care of you, you're suffering enough right now. If it would make you feel better to get your emotions out on paper, go for it and send the e-mail. One suggestion though, type it out and then don't send it that day. Maybe keep adding and deleting stuff until you're sure you've said all that you want to say. You decide then if you still want to send it.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now.
As for your brother. Take care of you, you're suffering enough right now. If it would make you feel better to get your emotions out on paper, go for it and send the e-mail. One suggestion though, type it out and then don't send it that day. Maybe keep adding and deleting stuff until you're sure you've said all that you want to say. You decide then if you still want to send it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 8
Hi everyone. So I decided to send emails to both my stepfather and brother.
To my brother it was very brief and to the point. I told him I was aware that he is drinking and I know all the crap hes been saying about me, my husband and my baby. (He referred to her as a lab experiment and not a big deal miracle. We used a surrogate as we were trying to conceive for 10 years. He has never even met her, she is 12 wks old). I told him until he goes back to rehab and gets himself together I did not want any contact. Told him I was always the one to support you and I am not turning my back on you and never have. Get your life together if not for yourself than for his 2 yr old daughter.
He ofcourse responded nasty, said he "slipped" and has since gotten himself together- (This is a HUGE lie as I know whats going on. He was just fired again for drinking on the job.) Said he has enough going on in his life that he doesnt care of he sees me, my husband or baby ever. Have a nice life. The end.!!!
To my stepfather, who I think is honestly just so lost and heartbroken I just let his blame go. I reached out to him and told him if he needs me I am here, how I wish him peace and I am always here for support even if he just wants to talk. Told him just because I am not speaking to my brother doesnt mean it has anything to do with him. I told him my brother has been drinking again for over a year and I will no longer tolerate his abuse.
He answered, very sadly about how heartbroken he is and that he may never have peace again without my mother.
He blames ALL of us. Himself, only for being out of town and having a gun in the house. He mentions nothing about ignoring the fact that my mom has been drunk for 15 yrs. He knows my brother is drinking agin, yet is taking his family to Disney. He feels bad for me "as you have to live with this". He wished me well in whatever I do in my life.
No mention of my daughter, nothing.
I am glad I wrote as I feel I have done what I need to do for me. I am trying very hard to reach the spiritual side of myself and surround myself with only positivity. I am grieving and it is a slow and painful process, but as always I am the "strong" one and will pull through this. I fight the guilt and the worry about my brother every day. God! Does that ever stop?
I thank everyone for all the advice and find such comfort amongst you all.
To my brother it was very brief and to the point. I told him I was aware that he is drinking and I know all the crap hes been saying about me, my husband and my baby. (He referred to her as a lab experiment and not a big deal miracle. We used a surrogate as we were trying to conceive for 10 years. He has never even met her, she is 12 wks old). I told him until he goes back to rehab and gets himself together I did not want any contact. Told him I was always the one to support you and I am not turning my back on you and never have. Get your life together if not for yourself than for his 2 yr old daughter.
He ofcourse responded nasty, said he "slipped" and has since gotten himself together- (This is a HUGE lie as I know whats going on. He was just fired again for drinking on the job.) Said he has enough going on in his life that he doesnt care of he sees me, my husband or baby ever. Have a nice life. The end.!!!
To my stepfather, who I think is honestly just so lost and heartbroken I just let his blame go. I reached out to him and told him if he needs me I am here, how I wish him peace and I am always here for support even if he just wants to talk. Told him just because I am not speaking to my brother doesnt mean it has anything to do with him. I told him my brother has been drinking again for over a year and I will no longer tolerate his abuse.
He answered, very sadly about how heartbroken he is and that he may never have peace again without my mother.
He blames ALL of us. Himself, only for being out of town and having a gun in the house. He mentions nothing about ignoring the fact that my mom has been drunk for 15 yrs. He knows my brother is drinking agin, yet is taking his family to Disney. He feels bad for me "as you have to live with this". He wished me well in whatever I do in my life.
No mention of my daughter, nothing.
I am glad I wrote as I feel I have done what I need to do for me. I am trying very hard to reach the spiritual side of myself and surround myself with only positivity. I am grieving and it is a slow and painful process, but as always I am the "strong" one and will pull through this. I fight the guilt and the worry about my brother every day. God! Does that ever stop?
I thank everyone for all the advice and find such comfort amongst you all.
I am sorry that you are having to deal with all this BS. It gets old, I have another challenge to overcome with my mother, I am sooooo sick of dealing with all her drama and nonsense.
Embrace your baby, take time to grieve your loss, remember when one door closes another one opens.
Sending supportive hugs your way.
Embrace your baby, take time to grieve your loss, remember when one door closes another one opens.
Sending supportive hugs your way.
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