second chance of first impression
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Darwin Northern Territory Australia
Posts: 15
second chance of first impression
Hi
I am going to have another go at my introduction and see if I can do it better this time.
My name is Linda and I am the Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I am 40 years old this year. I live in the tropical north of Australia
My Dad was taken to residential rehab by his employer when I was 8 years old. He had hit his rock bottom and hit my Mum (not for the first time in my recollection, but maybe the worst time). He attended AA and my Mum attended Al Anon I went to Al Anon with my Mum for a while. To this day, my Dad has never picked up another drink. 32 years and counting. He is 80 years old now and still goes one day at a time.
So... why do I think I had it bad??? According to my siblings I didn't. According to them, Dad stopped drinking when I was 8 so my life was sweet as. I am the youngest of 5 kids, they are ranging from 10, 13, 17 and 18 years older than me. So when Dad got sober, there was only two of us at home, me and my sister, the older three were off and married and I accept they got 'the worse of it'.
During his drinking, there was domestic violence between my parents as well as the 'normal' stressors that we can all relate to being in an alcoholic home. I was often left at home as a very very young child becasue I was asleep and my Mum and sister had escaped int eh car. I remember crying fo rmy Mum in the middle of the night and she wasn't there.
I feel like my plight at home was so minimised because my siblings had no idea what was going on. BAsically my Dad was a dry drunk. I believe that I had been hurt from time of conception. My Mum was having a baby in the midst of the worse episodes of alcoholism. She was trying to nurture a baby and escape violence. My sister was very violent toward me and I look back now and see it as jealousy on her part.
She was sexually abused by my two eldest brothers. She got the worst of my Dads anger as she grew up. She couldn't fight back like the boys could. Literally the elder three boys woudl get into fist fights with my Dad on our front lawn. I don't recall him hiting my sister, but gee she ws the biggest sl**t out as far as my Dad was concerned.
My Dad was never violent toward me. I was his little baby. Boy did Mum and my sister hate that. I was the little one who gave him a hug when everybody else was calling him names. I helped him pour the drinks for guests. I sat next to him and held his hand when he was down and upset. I now, as an adult know, he was down and upset because of the trauma he created in the family. When my Dad was drinking, I was his best friend. I was his only friend. Everyone hated him. I have always been one to go for the 'underdog'.
My sisters violence included sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I never knew what woudl happen one day to the next. My parents never noticed becasue she hid it soooo well. I was just a very clumsy child apparently. She tried to drown me when I was very young and I remember one of the incidents but did not understand. She told me only a few years ago that she tried to kill me many times but knew it would upset Mum so stopped what she was trying to do. She was sexually violated, she is one messed up lady in her adult life with addictions and codependency.
When Dad got sober I was no longer his friend. He hardly even spoke to me. EVerything in our household was centred around him when he was drinking, and it was more so when he was sober. AA, Al Anon, keep Dad happy, isn't life wonderful he is not drinking. My sister moved out of home and it was just the threeof us.
If life was so freaking wonderful, why was there crying and arguments and fights and screaming matches every day, in public and in private... He had stopped drinking, he was not sober as such. I started to really hate him, I hated everything, my family, me .. everything.. I was very suicidal as a youngster and a teenager. I had also lost my friend... my Dad. WE have never regained any real closeness.
No one in my family understands why I have/had problems... I had the glorious sober days in my life!!!!!
i told my Mum once, "just because you married him and had me doesn't mean I have to like him" I said lots of hurtful things.
so we move on to my own 'adulthood??" At 17 I moved in with an extremely abusive alcoholic. I was bruised and hit and raped and burned with cigarette butts etc. I was only there for a few months but I was a mess by the end of it. I literally shook and shivered at any sudden moves by anyone. He took my money my car and any last ounce of self respect I had. My anger was gone for good. I was just scared all the time.
18 I moved in with, and had a baby to a very sick schizophrenic with full blown visual and auditory persecutary hallucinations. Our baby died at one day old. that is a long story but you can imagine it ws not a good one.
19 I met and spent the next 8 years with a man who was abusive in all ways without substances. I was isolated in the extreme 'outback' of Australia. I had the whole thing, black eyes blood noses, exploited sexually and publically, became a sex worker, was dragged out of bed by my hair, strangled while being held up against walls... that sort of thing. I attempted suicide and was nearly successful one time. What did my partner do... tell me I was stupid and drove me to work while I was still vomiting the alcohol and valium!!!!
All this time though, I worked, I had friends, I was/am very high functioning. I even went to further education and had my own small business (strippers but it was a business). No one would have guessed. I even worked int eh Military part time
I left him eventually and married a man who was 16 years my elder. No physical abuse, he drank but it didn't affect me at all. He did not even yell at me, not even once... heaven on earth!!!! I could finally relax in life.....
yeah right... he was a pathological liar and a sex addict. Another long story but I know by now I am/was so screwed up I dind't know what was good or bad anymore. We ended up living the 'swinging' lifestyle and having sex party and sex groups run out of our home... I had enough and was strong enough by now to know to ask him to stop. He didn't... I found someone else.
during this time I went to university and worked my way up in the world. Again.. who would have guessed????? I never told anyone except my partners aobut my past.
I divorced my now ex husband and married a new man. (I have not been single since I was 17). This relationship is not perfect but I AM my own person. He is encouraging me to get help. He is not a controlling person. He smokes more pot than Iwould like and I know he is addicted to it, but aht is his issue.
During the past 10 odd years I have started working on things. I concentrated on my past domestic violence. I went to DV counselling and I have been on antidepressants. I am a Nurse and I specialise in Drug and Alcohol, I also have a Graduate Certificate in Counselling.
I have found that I have issues coming up again and again. A fellow counsellor showed me the characteristics of ACoA and I was astounded. That was a coupleof years ago. Things iwth my current partner have come to a head a few months agoa nd I started counselling again. That has stopped due to unforseen circumstances.
I found Al Anon and ACoA boards and books in the past month... I am reading my heart out... or eyes out... I want to fix this part of me so I know that I am working with my current issues from a helathy view point.
A point about what is going on with me now. Yesterday my husband and I were going to meet friends at the movies. Had to be there at 330pm, we were running late and I got very angry. It was my fault we were late. I didn't let my husband stop to buy the paper, we got there and I flew into the line to get the tickets and grabbed myself an ice cream and paid for it all. Then I looked around and my poor husband is standing there looking at the ice creams and then me... I had closed the top and didn't even think to ask what he wanted...... the movie didn't start for another half an hour.. but I was 3 minutes late and it was all panic stations for me.
I get angry and spoke very harshly to him infront of strangers and friends... that was not right.....
I need help and I need to know what to do now. Is there a first step help for ACOA??????
If you have read this far...
All help taken........
I am going to have another go at my introduction and see if I can do it better this time.
My name is Linda and I am the Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I am 40 years old this year. I live in the tropical north of Australia
My Dad was taken to residential rehab by his employer when I was 8 years old. He had hit his rock bottom and hit my Mum (not for the first time in my recollection, but maybe the worst time). He attended AA and my Mum attended Al Anon I went to Al Anon with my Mum for a while. To this day, my Dad has never picked up another drink. 32 years and counting. He is 80 years old now and still goes one day at a time.
So... why do I think I had it bad??? According to my siblings I didn't. According to them, Dad stopped drinking when I was 8 so my life was sweet as. I am the youngest of 5 kids, they are ranging from 10, 13, 17 and 18 years older than me. So when Dad got sober, there was only two of us at home, me and my sister, the older three were off and married and I accept they got 'the worse of it'.
During his drinking, there was domestic violence between my parents as well as the 'normal' stressors that we can all relate to being in an alcoholic home. I was often left at home as a very very young child becasue I was asleep and my Mum and sister had escaped int eh car. I remember crying fo rmy Mum in the middle of the night and she wasn't there.
I feel like my plight at home was so minimised because my siblings had no idea what was going on. BAsically my Dad was a dry drunk. I believe that I had been hurt from time of conception. My Mum was having a baby in the midst of the worse episodes of alcoholism. She was trying to nurture a baby and escape violence. My sister was very violent toward me and I look back now and see it as jealousy on her part.
She was sexually abused by my two eldest brothers. She got the worst of my Dads anger as she grew up. She couldn't fight back like the boys could. Literally the elder three boys woudl get into fist fights with my Dad on our front lawn. I don't recall him hiting my sister, but gee she ws the biggest sl**t out as far as my Dad was concerned.
My Dad was never violent toward me. I was his little baby. Boy did Mum and my sister hate that. I was the little one who gave him a hug when everybody else was calling him names. I helped him pour the drinks for guests. I sat next to him and held his hand when he was down and upset. I now, as an adult know, he was down and upset because of the trauma he created in the family. When my Dad was drinking, I was his best friend. I was his only friend. Everyone hated him. I have always been one to go for the 'underdog'.
My sisters violence included sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I never knew what woudl happen one day to the next. My parents never noticed becasue she hid it soooo well. I was just a very clumsy child apparently. She tried to drown me when I was very young and I remember one of the incidents but did not understand. She told me only a few years ago that she tried to kill me many times but knew it would upset Mum so stopped what she was trying to do. She was sexually violated, she is one messed up lady in her adult life with addictions and codependency.
When Dad got sober I was no longer his friend. He hardly even spoke to me. EVerything in our household was centred around him when he was drinking, and it was more so when he was sober. AA, Al Anon, keep Dad happy, isn't life wonderful he is not drinking. My sister moved out of home and it was just the threeof us.
If life was so freaking wonderful, why was there crying and arguments and fights and screaming matches every day, in public and in private... He had stopped drinking, he was not sober as such. I started to really hate him, I hated everything, my family, me .. everything.. I was very suicidal as a youngster and a teenager. I had also lost my friend... my Dad. WE have never regained any real closeness.
No one in my family understands why I have/had problems... I had the glorious sober days in my life!!!!!
i told my Mum once, "just because you married him and had me doesn't mean I have to like him" I said lots of hurtful things.
so we move on to my own 'adulthood??" At 17 I moved in with an extremely abusive alcoholic. I was bruised and hit and raped and burned with cigarette butts etc. I was only there for a few months but I was a mess by the end of it. I literally shook and shivered at any sudden moves by anyone. He took my money my car and any last ounce of self respect I had. My anger was gone for good. I was just scared all the time.
18 I moved in with, and had a baby to a very sick schizophrenic with full blown visual and auditory persecutary hallucinations. Our baby died at one day old. that is a long story but you can imagine it ws not a good one.
19 I met and spent the next 8 years with a man who was abusive in all ways without substances. I was isolated in the extreme 'outback' of Australia. I had the whole thing, black eyes blood noses, exploited sexually and publically, became a sex worker, was dragged out of bed by my hair, strangled while being held up against walls... that sort of thing. I attempted suicide and was nearly successful one time. What did my partner do... tell me I was stupid and drove me to work while I was still vomiting the alcohol and valium!!!!
All this time though, I worked, I had friends, I was/am very high functioning. I even went to further education and had my own small business (strippers but it was a business). No one would have guessed. I even worked int eh Military part time
I left him eventually and married a man who was 16 years my elder. No physical abuse, he drank but it didn't affect me at all. He did not even yell at me, not even once... heaven on earth!!!! I could finally relax in life.....
yeah right... he was a pathological liar and a sex addict. Another long story but I know by now I am/was so screwed up I dind't know what was good or bad anymore. We ended up living the 'swinging' lifestyle and having sex party and sex groups run out of our home... I had enough and was strong enough by now to know to ask him to stop. He didn't... I found someone else.
during this time I went to university and worked my way up in the world. Again.. who would have guessed????? I never told anyone except my partners aobut my past.
I divorced my now ex husband and married a new man. (I have not been single since I was 17). This relationship is not perfect but I AM my own person. He is encouraging me to get help. He is not a controlling person. He smokes more pot than Iwould like and I know he is addicted to it, but aht is his issue.
During the past 10 odd years I have started working on things. I concentrated on my past domestic violence. I went to DV counselling and I have been on antidepressants. I am a Nurse and I specialise in Drug and Alcohol, I also have a Graduate Certificate in Counselling.
I have found that I have issues coming up again and again. A fellow counsellor showed me the characteristics of ACoA and I was astounded. That was a coupleof years ago. Things iwth my current partner have come to a head a few months agoa nd I started counselling again. That has stopped due to unforseen circumstances.
I found Al Anon and ACoA boards and books in the past month... I am reading my heart out... or eyes out... I want to fix this part of me so I know that I am working with my current issues from a helathy view point.
A point about what is going on with me now. Yesterday my husband and I were going to meet friends at the movies. Had to be there at 330pm, we were running late and I got very angry. It was my fault we were late. I didn't let my husband stop to buy the paper, we got there and I flew into the line to get the tickets and grabbed myself an ice cream and paid for it all. Then I looked around and my poor husband is standing there looking at the ice creams and then me... I had closed the top and didn't even think to ask what he wanted...... the movie didn't start for another half an hour.. but I was 3 minutes late and it was all panic stations for me.
I get angry and spoke very harshly to him infront of strangers and friends... that was not right.....
I need help and I need to know what to do now. Is there a first step help for ACOA??????
If you have read this far...
All help taken........
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
First of all welcome, I am glad you are here, this is not the answer but just one piece.
Are you being treated for depression? I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused, it made me a sad, scared and mean person, I married a woman who was verbally and physically abusive I should have left but instead stayed until she cheated with a co-worker and moved on.
I got into therapy, started on Prozac (what a miracle) my anger levels went way down, less anxious about stupid things, etc. Met and married a very spiritual woman who helped me look deep inside myself.
I finally got to the point where it clicked for me, you can only look forward, I still have some work to do on forgiving those who hurt me but it no longer is acid in my belly.
A book that really changed my life was "Conversations with God" by Neale Donald Walsh, also Gavin DeBeckers books on fear are very beneficial.
Best of luck to you, so sorry about all you have been through, you are on a journey and it sounds like you are making good decisions.
Pease come back often and let us know how you are doing.
Bill
Are you being treated for depression? I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused, it made me a sad, scared and mean person, I married a woman who was verbally and physically abusive I should have left but instead stayed until she cheated with a co-worker and moved on.
I got into therapy, started on Prozac (what a miracle) my anger levels went way down, less anxious about stupid things, etc. Met and married a very spiritual woman who helped me look deep inside myself.
I finally got to the point where it clicked for me, you can only look forward, I still have some work to do on forgiving those who hurt me but it no longer is acid in my belly.
A book that really changed my life was "Conversations with God" by Neale Donald Walsh, also Gavin DeBeckers books on fear are very beneficial.
Best of luck to you, so sorry about all you have been through, you are on a journey and it sounds like you are making good decisions.
Pease come back often and let us know how you are doing.
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Darwin Northern Territory Australia
Posts: 15
I would like to know where to start in 'dealing' with it all
I have been treated for depression previously, at this point I am trying to treat myself by dealing with issues and being 'mindful' as opposed to medication.
I am confident at this point in my life that my husband is good man and he is helping me alot, I now, for the first time ever, feel comfortable in telling someone (husband) if I am getting low.
I don't want to go back on medication at this point. I was with a psychologist and we were starting to delve into the past and it was getting a bit messy and a bit hard for my husband. This psychologist has moved on and I am trying to find another one that I am comfortable with.
I need to be able to identify feelings and stuff is what she was trying to get me to do. I can spurt out all the facts of my life and there is no emotion attached to it at all.
I recenlty, for the very first time, cried over losing my Dad as a friend. I was alone in my kitchen making a coffee and I thought about it and I was wracked with sobs and sadness. I got over it in about half an hour. I think it was pretty cathartic.
I need to try to feel feelings I think. My husband has a hard time understanding that my hurt has passed becasue I do not look or act hurt. It appears as if it doesn't bother me.
I have been treated for depression previously, at this point I am trying to treat myself by dealing with issues and being 'mindful' as opposed to medication.
I am confident at this point in my life that my husband is good man and he is helping me alot, I now, for the first time ever, feel comfortable in telling someone (husband) if I am getting low.
I don't want to go back on medication at this point. I was with a psychologist and we were starting to delve into the past and it was getting a bit messy and a bit hard for my husband. This psychologist has moved on and I am trying to find another one that I am comfortable with.
I need to be able to identify feelings and stuff is what she was trying to get me to do. I can spurt out all the facts of my life and there is no emotion attached to it at all.
I recenlty, for the very first time, cried over losing my Dad as a friend. I was alone in my kitchen making a coffee and I thought about it and I was wracked with sobs and sadness. I got over it in about half an hour. I think it was pretty cathartic.
I need to try to feel feelings I think. My husband has a hard time understanding that my hurt has passed becasue I do not look or act hurt. It appears as if it doesn't bother me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Linda has your husband been through anything similar? If not the emotions that are flowing may seem very foreign to him.
I get emotional about things that don't make any sense to anyone else. Sometimes I cry for what appears to be no reason, other time I can appear extremely cold hearted, it feels like I am 180 degrees to everyone else.
I am glad you are able to tell him when you are getting down, that is very important, my wife deals with it ok but my kids who are 10 & 13 struggle with my moods.
It is so hard to make someone else understand if they have not been through something similar, that's why this site is so important.
If I can help I will, I have not been through nearly as much as you have, I wish the best for you.
Bill
I get emotional about things that don't make any sense to anyone else. Sometimes I cry for what appears to be no reason, other time I can appear extremely cold hearted, it feels like I am 180 degrees to everyone else.
I am glad you are able to tell him when you are getting down, that is very important, my wife deals with it ok but my kids who are 10 & 13 struggle with my moods.
It is so hard to make someone else understand if they have not been through something similar, that's why this site is so important.
If I can help I will, I have not been through nearly as much as you have, I wish the best for you.
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Darwin Northern Territory Australia
Posts: 15
thanks bill
he has suffered mild depression before. He has no idea how to deal or understand anything that I have been through. He doesn't get it at all, especially as I am so 'high functioning' and it, for all purposes, seems to not have effected me.
he has suffered mild depression before. He has no idea how to deal or understand anything that I have been through. He doesn't get it at all, especially as I am so 'high functioning' and it, for all purposes, seems to not have effected me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Linda, I don't know how to address this one, if you were in therapy he could go with you to a session and have your counselor explain it to him, does her read the postings here, that may help him get a feel for things, otherwise I don't know.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Darwin Northern Territory Australia
Posts: 15
I am not overly fussed about him at the moment.. I am just wanting to know where to start on myself.
My response about his feelings was answering your enquiry.
thanks for your interest in me though
My response about his feelings was answering your enquiry.
thanks for your interest in me though
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