new here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Darwin Northern Territory Australia
Posts: 15
new here
Hello everyone.
I am new to this board.
I have been on another board for ACoA but it is very very quiet, and I have been on an Al Anon board on another site for about three weeks.
I am an Adult child. My Dad went to rehab and AA when I was 8 and was then a dry drunk for as long as I can remember. My Mum was in Al Anon. I left home at 17.
to cut a very long story short.... I have been in physically emotionally and mentally abusive relationships my entire life (5 defacto relationship and this is my second marriage). I am now 40.
I have no reference of 'normal' and I qualify normal by being... average... within the bulk of the statistics. I want to be average. Not living on the fringe of 'normalicy' anymore. I am here because I need help in my life to understand what is an average reaction to things, not an over reaction. Henny penny should have been my sign in name. I identify as the 'lost child' in my family. I am very co dependent. I need help.
Currently I have a husband who smokes pot. He used to smoke pot constantly when I first met him and we were not a couple. I mean about an ounce a fortnight. He quit of his own accord. He started when he was 13 and he quit at 39. Good job. I then started a serious relationship with him.
ONce we moved in together, for the next 3 1/2 years, he smoked occassionally. At party's that sort of thing. Three days prior to our weddding in September last year. He relapsed as his heavily addicted family stayed in our house.
Currently... the important bit... he is smoking a couple of days a week in teh morning prior to oing to work. He is smoking on the weekends, usually on a Sunday afternoon. He has one cone. He is stoned and is hard to communicate with for a few hours. Thats it.. he isn't loud or obnoxious. He isn't lazy, he happily would chat to me and muck about, nothing about his personality changes, he is just mellow and relaxed and he really like it. I hate it. The bit I hate the most, is that he won't stop doing it around me every weekend becasue he sees nothign wrong with it. I know I contribute by being overly controlling.
I have asked him to cut back, not do it when we are spending time together. He won't. this is where my problem starts. I feel if he loved me he would stop doing something that I do not like him doing (I accept he can't because he is addicted, I need to look at why I hate it so much). Even other things.. I should be THE most important person in his life. I know if he stopped smoking pot tomorrow.. I would find something else to obsess over.
Why do I not like him doing it???? I can't answer that question except that it makes me mad and scared. I recently identified the fear aspect in teh past few weeks of looking at myself.
I want to know if this is 'normal' and 'average' that a person smokes pot a few times a week. Currently there are no negative implications except my dislike.
I had an epiphany earlier today that perhaps, just perhaps, I am in a normal relationship and I can't see it. I have no idea what a normal every day non abusive relationship looks like.. perhaps I am making this into one in myown head becasue that is what I am so used to. My friends say thier husbands so things to really get their goat too... to press thier buttons, that sort of thing. ONe friend says if her husband is watching a movie, he may as well be stoned becasue she can't talk to him or get his attention.
I have major control issues. I believe he has basically gone back on all the promises he made to me that he won't be a smoker again. He thinks he isn't because he has a few cones a week. He can't see that he used to have a few cones a year. When confronted with this fact he says, I cahnged my mind, I want to smoke again. how frustrating that he has his own mind and does whatever he wants to do.. despite me being annoyed by it (half tongue in cheek there)
I don't want this discussion to be about me accepting his smoking as such. I need to know if this 'problem wiht it' is centred on my past.
My friends say that in every other aspect, our life is happy and the same as everyone else. Just he smokes every few days. So what?????
Thoughts are appreciated.
I am new to this board.
I have been on another board for ACoA but it is very very quiet, and I have been on an Al Anon board on another site for about three weeks.
I am an Adult child. My Dad went to rehab and AA when I was 8 and was then a dry drunk for as long as I can remember. My Mum was in Al Anon. I left home at 17.
to cut a very long story short.... I have been in physically emotionally and mentally abusive relationships my entire life (5 defacto relationship and this is my second marriage). I am now 40.
I have no reference of 'normal' and I qualify normal by being... average... within the bulk of the statistics. I want to be average. Not living on the fringe of 'normalicy' anymore. I am here because I need help in my life to understand what is an average reaction to things, not an over reaction. Henny penny should have been my sign in name. I identify as the 'lost child' in my family. I am very co dependent. I need help.
Currently I have a husband who smokes pot. He used to smoke pot constantly when I first met him and we were not a couple. I mean about an ounce a fortnight. He quit of his own accord. He started when he was 13 and he quit at 39. Good job. I then started a serious relationship with him.
ONce we moved in together, for the next 3 1/2 years, he smoked occassionally. At party's that sort of thing. Three days prior to our weddding in September last year. He relapsed as his heavily addicted family stayed in our house.
Currently... the important bit... he is smoking a couple of days a week in teh morning prior to oing to work. He is smoking on the weekends, usually on a Sunday afternoon. He has one cone. He is stoned and is hard to communicate with for a few hours. Thats it.. he isn't loud or obnoxious. He isn't lazy, he happily would chat to me and muck about, nothing about his personality changes, he is just mellow and relaxed and he really like it. I hate it. The bit I hate the most, is that he won't stop doing it around me every weekend becasue he sees nothign wrong with it. I know I contribute by being overly controlling.
I have asked him to cut back, not do it when we are spending time together. He won't. this is where my problem starts. I feel if he loved me he would stop doing something that I do not like him doing (I accept he can't because he is addicted, I need to look at why I hate it so much). Even other things.. I should be THE most important person in his life. I know if he stopped smoking pot tomorrow.. I would find something else to obsess over.
Why do I not like him doing it???? I can't answer that question except that it makes me mad and scared. I recently identified the fear aspect in teh past few weeks of looking at myself.
I want to know if this is 'normal' and 'average' that a person smokes pot a few times a week. Currently there are no negative implications except my dislike.
I had an epiphany earlier today that perhaps, just perhaps, I am in a normal relationship and I can't see it. I have no idea what a normal every day non abusive relationship looks like.. perhaps I am making this into one in myown head becasue that is what I am so used to. My friends say thier husbands so things to really get their goat too... to press thier buttons, that sort of thing. ONe friend says if her husband is watching a movie, he may as well be stoned becasue she can't talk to him or get his attention.
I have major control issues. I believe he has basically gone back on all the promises he made to me that he won't be a smoker again. He thinks he isn't because he has a few cones a week. He can't see that he used to have a few cones a year. When confronted with this fact he says, I cahnged my mind, I want to smoke again. how frustrating that he has his own mind and does whatever he wants to do.. despite me being annoyed by it (half tongue in cheek there)
I don't want this discussion to be about me accepting his smoking as such. I need to know if this 'problem wiht it' is centred on my past.
My friends say that in every other aspect, our life is happy and the same as everyone else. Just he smokes every few days. So what?????
Thoughts are appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
I think it's important to get away from saying "If he loved me, he'd do X," and "if I loved him, I'd do Y." That's not really how it works. I know I do things my wife doesn't like, and she does things I don't like -- but we don't instantly change our ways just to suit one another. It's not that simple.
You have every right to be upset that your husband smokes weed. It is not acceptable, and -- like booze -- it causes behavior changes, is addictive, and otherwise has the potential to mess up your life, big-time.
Where it gets hard is that there's no way to make someone give up an addiction. If your husband is going to smoke weed, well, he's going to smoke it until he decides it's a problem and he needs help. In the meantime, you have to figure out what that means for you.
In my case, my wife was a heavy drinker -- eventually, she almost died from liver damage, then went into treatment for several months (inpatient, as in she left the state, went away to a treatment place now affectionately referred to as "the spa"), and got healthy. That was 15 years ago.
Do you go to Al-Anon real-life meetings? That's better than an on-line group like this one -- which can be useful, but is not substitute for sharing with a group in-person.....
T
You have every right to be upset that your husband smokes weed. It is not acceptable, and -- like booze -- it causes behavior changes, is addictive, and otherwise has the potential to mess up your life, big-time.
Where it gets hard is that there's no way to make someone give up an addiction. If your husband is going to smoke weed, well, he's going to smoke it until he decides it's a problem and he needs help. In the meantime, you have to figure out what that means for you.
In my case, my wife was a heavy drinker -- eventually, she almost died from liver damage, then went into treatment for several months (inpatient, as in she left the state, went away to a treatment place now affectionately referred to as "the spa"), and got healthy. That was 15 years ago.
Do you go to Al-Anon real-life meetings? That's better than an on-line group like this one -- which can be useful, but is not substitute for sharing with a group in-person.....
T
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
Welcome Linda and you might also want to check out the Friends and family of addicts forum and read there.
Check out the stickies here and read posts on what others are going through and their recovery.
Not knowing what a normal family is and what behaviors are expected is quite a typical result of being an ACOA.
Read the stickies here and learn and keep posting.
You have to work on you and as Tromboneliness posted there is nothing you do that controls any addiction.
Al Anon meetings would be a good idea.
Check out the stickies here and read posts on what others are going through and their recovery.
Not knowing what a normal family is and what behaviors are expected is quite a typical result of being an ACOA.
Read the stickies here and learn and keep posting.
You have to work on you and as Tromboneliness posted there is nothing you do that controls any addiction.
Al Anon meetings would be a good idea.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Darwin Northern Territory Australia
Posts: 15
Thanks guys
I understand fully that I can't control or change his addiction to pot.
I was hoping on this board I could address more my issues with ACoA and my control and all of that stuff.
Even if he quit smoking tomorrow, Iwould find something else to obsess over.
I want to work on ME and MY recovery from my past.
The need for consistency, difficulty to adapt, why one little omission (ie: not telling me that he bought lunch today when he takes his lunchevery day) is like a massive big lie to me.
I am working on my response to his addiction to pot. I need to work on other areas so I do not do something similar to 'drug substitute' now I have accepted he is an addict, Ihave no ccontrol over it and I chose to accept it and remain married to him.
What now!!!!
I understand fully that I can't control or change his addiction to pot.
I was hoping on this board I could address more my issues with ACoA and my control and all of that stuff.
Even if he quit smoking tomorrow, Iwould find something else to obsess over.
I want to work on ME and MY recovery from my past.
The need for consistency, difficulty to adapt, why one little omission (ie: not telling me that he bought lunch today when he takes his lunchevery day) is like a massive big lie to me.
I am working on my response to his addiction to pot. I need to work on other areas so I do not do something similar to 'drug substitute' now I have accepted he is an addict, Ihave no ccontrol over it and I chose to accept it and remain married to him.
What now!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
My Partners addictions I have to live with as well as my own.My partner goes to her meetings,AlAnon and FAA.......I go to ACA ,I also have set up my own site as well as visiting others as I do this one.There is nothing I can do to change another........except love there person but not there addiction.
We have both come from Disfunctional Families........including addictions inherited.
I am re Parenting myself using ACA, Therapy, ACA friends,I also went to AA for years but was getting no where with Growth.I was dry and clean but that was it.It was not until I started ACA that I have made steady Progress.
Most days I still suffer anxiety,but thats the Child in me trying to be Heard and his emotions validated by the loving parent I have become.
Sounds complicated to another but Im sure not to ACAs
Good luck to you.
We have both come from Disfunctional Families........including addictions inherited.
I am re Parenting myself using ACA, Therapy, ACA friends,I also went to AA for years but was getting no where with Growth.I was dry and clean but that was it.It was not until I started ACA that I have made steady Progress.
Most days I still suffer anxiety,but thats the Child in me trying to be Heard and his emotions validated by the loving parent I have become.
Sounds complicated to another but Im sure not to ACAs
Good luck to you.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, I do know that we codies want to control, that we want to change everyone except ourselves. If we decide to change ourselves, we must first be honest with ourselves, look at ourselves in the mirror, acknowledge who we really are, not who we
pretend to be. That in itself is a very humbling experience.
As for your husband, he has made it clear, he will smoke dope, either you accept it or you leave, that is totally your choice. You will never change him.
There is only one person you can control or change...tag your it.
As for being in a normal relationship? For me, no, for you, maybe. Normal is, as normal is considered acceptable to you.
pretend to be. That in itself is a very humbling experience.
As for your husband, he has made it clear, he will smoke dope, either you accept it or you leave, that is totally your choice. You will never change him.
There is only one person you can control or change...tag your it.
As for being in a normal relationship? For me, no, for you, maybe. Normal is, as normal is considered acceptable to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Agree with dollydo,
You and only you will have to decide what you will and won't put up with.
Have you two been to couples counseling? I found it very helpful in the past, especially in negotiating a resolution to thorny issues.
Is the pot smoking issue about "control" or is it about "broken promises"?
You and only you will have to decide what you will and won't put up with.
Have you two been to couples counseling? I found it very helpful in the past, especially in negotiating a resolution to thorny issues.
Is the pot smoking issue about "control" or is it about "broken promises"?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: dover, pa
Posts: 20
Thanks for this thread. Broken promises just summed it up for me. dollydo and Willybluedog, your words were like an epiphany just now. These past few months forgiveness and blame haunted and taunted me. I do have control issues wnd need to work on ME, however, the the anger that holds these two in a tug-of-war i think has been more about the broken promises that trails his addiction. Today I have some new reflection on what is holding on to me. Thanks for the thoughts Bessed Be!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Darwin Northern Territory Australia
Posts: 15
IN what ways do people start to work on the childhood issues.
I would like to move the discussion away from his pot smoking if possible, I have accepted that at this stage in my life. I am going to the Al Anon board for that stuff.
Here I would like to work on the childhood issues in all and other aspects of my life.
Where does one start with the ACoA issues?????
I have read books, I am reading the Big Book for ACoA.
I am at the first step for this part of my life, I am at the second for the Al Anon business.
I see them as two separate, but very interactive, issues.
I would like to move the discussion away from his pot smoking if possible, I have accepted that at this stage in my life. I am going to the Al Anon board for that stuff.
Here I would like to work on the childhood issues in all and other aspects of my life.
Where does one start with the ACoA issues?????
I have read books, I am reading the Big Book for ACoA.
I am at the first step for this part of my life, I am at the second for the Al Anon business.
I see them as two separate, but very interactive, issues.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
For me it was volunteering, counseling and finding a new spouse who was both understanding and supportive, my first wife was so self absorbed that she could give nothing to my support.
I never did find the support I needed at church or within my family, I read several books on religion, self-improvement, etc.
Working with inner city kids was a tremendous boost to me because I found out that I could help people and help myself.
I never did find the support I needed at church or within my family, I read several books on religion, self-improvement, etc.
Working with inner city kids was a tremendous boost to me because I found out that I could help people and help myself.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
