My Mom committed suicide
 

Hi all,
Im new here. My mom was a very severe alcoholic for many many years. I honestly cant even say how long, but it had gotten progressivly worse. Id guess at least 25 years maybe more. I hadnt spoken to her in about a year and a half. The reasons are numerous, but they all stem from her behavior as an alcoholic. My stepfather behaved as if all was normal, my brother who is also an alcoholic (who was in recovery for 7 years btw, just started drinking severely again a year ago.), he had a relationship with her as well, and my mom enabled my brothers drinking. Just to add my mothers mother was also an alcoholic who died many years ago, partially due to her alcoholism.
I just had a baby girl 9 weeks ago, and she didnt even bother to reach out to me. My husband and I were trying to have a baby for 10 years, so she knows what a miracle my daughter is, yet still nothing.
She shot herself after drinking a bottle of vodka, after a night of partying with her friends. My stepfather was away overnight on business and she was found Friday afternoon. My stepfather is basically blaming me, saying she died of a broken heart becasue of me. My mother was only 61 years old, and a survivor of severe childhood trauma and sexual abuse. I know thats why she drank, she never sought help, she was always in deep emotional pain. I had tried to get her to see a therapist through the years, but it didnt work.
Regardless of it all I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt, because I hant spoken to her. I know my reasons were valid, its just the thought that i now can NEVER talk to her again that is killing me.
If someone has any insight at all, please help me. My heart is broken.

Dear Melissa,

I don't have the words of wisdom in this very heartbreaking situation. Please just let me say that I am so very sorry for your loss.

Please remember - you didn't cause this, you didn't have it in your power to cure her and you, nor anyone else could control her addictions. Please be gentle with yourself. Again, my deepest sympathies for your loss.

Suicide is a selfish act. No one is responsible for another person's suicide except the person who committed it. Your mother was suffering severely from demons that existed before you were born.

I had a friend of mine years ago whose brother committed suicide. I told her I was terribly sorry to hear it. She replied "I'm not, my brother has been plagued by severe depression all his life. He has never been happy. I think he's happier now."

Perhaps your mother is happier now. Perhaps she found a way to escape her demons.

Guilt is a very common emotion for those who are affected by the suicide of another person. It is not your fault. It was never your fault. The drinking, the need to protect yourself from the drinking - none of it was your fault.

That said, I am truly sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I suggest you find a grief counselor (most hospitals can help you find one) and set an appointment if you can. A counselor can help you work through this.

Melissa - You can talk to her now! My mom passed away 3 years ago and I talk to her every single day. I know she is with me whenever I call. Take comfort in knowing she is very peaceful now -- her torment is over. You have a new baby that needs you and nothing is served by lingering in regret. Move forward and live for today. That's the way your mother would want it.

(((Hugs)))

I have read that there is an overwhelming sense of calm when a person really decides they will commit suicide and be free of all the pain they have been feeling for a lifetime. You tried to have her see a therapist. You tried to help her more than your stepfather who was in denial, or your brother who was allowing her to enable him to drink too. Sounds like you are a level headed person and even if you were estranged from your mother, you will feel grief and even some guilt , but realize it was her decision to commit suicide, her decision to not seek counselling, and by her own hand that she did it.
I extend my deepest sympathy ....you must grieve and eventually will feel better....then get on with life! You have a beautiful new baby to nuture and turn your focus on.

Melissa I am sorry for your loss but please don't blame yourself.

There is often a sense of guilt whenever we lose a loved one. I buried my sister two days ago and one of the greatest emotions I felt was guilt for not spending more time with her.The unspoken words that will never be said and the empty space that can never be filled....

From what I have read you did nothing wrong. Grieve your mother but celebrate the wonderful miracle of your daughter and know that in a way your mother lives on. Death merely cracks the mold that allows our spirit to finally be free...

I am so very sorry. Be patient with yourself, as there will be a grieving process that you must go through.

Your mothers choices are not yours to bear, long term heavy acohol use effects the brain, it changes the chemistry.

Each day millions die and millions are born, it is part of life.

Hug your baby, focus on her.

Hugs,

cyber hugs
 

Melissa sending cyber hugs your way.

I don't want to repeat what most of already said. I lost my mom in 09 and we never had that good of a relationship so when she passed and even now still I have twinges of guilt.

As far as your step father well hog wash he is just in a lot of pain and needs to lash out as someone and that someone is you.

Only God has the power to say who lives and dies and seeing as though none of us are God (although at times I think I am) that power we don't have.

The one thing I have learned since my mom's death is peole react to it and very different ways. I have my Dad two brothers & sister and believe me some of them are all over the place.

If you really feel like thing were left unsaid write a letter to your mom you don't have to show it to anyone and then burn it. It helps some but be careful where you burn it because I burnt my letter to someone once in a park and the cops came and tried to hang an arson charge on me. Thank God the judge laughed it out of the courtroom :rotfxko but it was crazy none-the-less lol.

Melissa, my prayers are with you. It sounds like you did what you could but ultimately none of this was in your control. You are not to blame for any of this, and for anyone to tell you it's your fault is just cruelty.

This happened with my mom. I'm so sorry it happened to you. I feel guilt too. It's very painful at times. She died in April, over a year ago. I quit drinking in June this year and finally grieved some over it. Again, I'm so sorry this happened to her and to you. I know exactly what you must be feeling, the guilt over it. I had distanced myself from my mom about 8 months before she took the pills.

Melissa: I am so sorry for your loss and agree with all who have said that it is so important for you to be gentle with yourself at this difficult time. It is absolutely not your fault that your mother died by suicide. NOT your fault.

Nor do I believe suicide to be a selfish act. It is the product of pain that the person feels incapable of resolving, and is often an impulsive act--especially if the person was intoxicated at the time of death. It is terrible to think that a loved one was in such pain, but it's important to remember that we did not cause and could not cure that pain.

Please take care of yourself.

Melissa I'm So Sorry for you Loss.............God has a plan...............The dark threads are as needful in the weavers skillful hands as the threads of Gold and Silver in the Pattern he had planned.

Just have to say thank you to everyone with all of your helpful words. Its just so good to hear this from people who really "get it".
Have a recent update from my aunt, as my brother and stepfather are keeping me at a distance and are planning the funeral and wake without talking to me at all. Just found out my Mom called my brother at 1:15am (45 mins before she shot herself-(time of death according to the MA is 2am). He he asked if she was drunk and she said yes, and he told her to go to sleep. She said kiss the baby for me. Now..more than likely my brother was drunk as well at that hour, and I now wonder what else was said. Was their an argument? A clue? I think she was reaching out-why else would she make that call? My brother has NOT told me he spoke to her that night. I wonder why!? I dont even want to confront this as then I will really be kept out of the loop, and until the funeral I cant have that happen.
Im so sick of this tippy toe around the drunk-"you dont want to set him off" ********.

Sorry that happened to you ((Melissa)). My heroin-addict dad also committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. That was a little over two years ago. The pain does subside, ever so slowly... it is confusing, losing someone to suicide. When I get fed up with not knowing the answers, I write all my questions out and reread them. When its before my eyes, I can realize that I will never have the answers to my question and relax enough to let it go (for that moment/day). It's tough, many healing thoughts to you.

I do not feel guilt over my dad's death, not anymore. More often I feel abandoned, like I'm being punished in some way. All the feelings you have right now are valid, but know that they are not the truth (ex: feeling guilt, like you caused your mom's death when you absolutely did not).

(((Melissa))) - I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I won't tell you to not feel guilt, as from my experience, I've felt it any time I've lost someone, no matter how they died. For me, it's just one of the many feelings I go through in the grief process.

Everyone is different, and it takes time to work through them. Please take care of you and your miracle baby.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Melissa,

I am sorry for this tragedy. Sorry that your mom never found sobriety, but she has found peace now, from her struggles .
As was said above, your mom lives on, through you and this new miracle. Make the best of it, dont let the disease of the family affect your happiness. Perhaps your mom is looking down now, and hoping that you will remember her in a better light. I feel like my mom is. she was an alcoholic, and she got sober, after ruining her health. She passed at 62. we had not had a good relationship. but a week after she passed, i dreamed she was above me, smiling down, and she looked radiant and happy. my sister had the very same dream around the same time. I feel her near, and know she is not the sick, ill, unhappy person she was.

wishing you comfort for your heart. take care of yourself and your precious family,
chicory

My father killed himself when I was pregnant with my second child.

My mother told me that I "obviously didn't love him because I wasn't crying enough." WTF?

Please try not listen to what other people say. A death is always complicated and suicide even more so. It tends to bring out the worst in some people.

Live a good life.
Love your baby.

You living a fulfilling, happy (ok happy and complicated), and non-addicted life is the best legacy for your mom.

I'm really so very sorry to hear about your mom. My deepest sympathies on your loss.

What a joy, though, to have that beautiful child for which you have waited so long! Congratulations!!

Please be kind and gentle with yourself right now. Know that you are among people who do understand.

HG

Melissa,

I know this is hard. It may not feel like it now, but time heals. My father commited suicide 6 months ago. I too felt some guilt. But you MUST remember, that what ever distance that was between you and your mother, was not your fault. The distance was because of your mother's illness. You did not choose this, nor did you want things to be this way.

The most important thing now, is to know that you have so much life of your own to live. Life must continue, and you have a a new bundle of joy to love.

Stay brave, and know that you are worth loving. Things will get better.

I just want you to know that alcoholics always make us feel like we are to blame.
You were never the blame of anything at all.
I am sorry you lost your mother. It's painful no matter what the circumstance. I hope that you will find a deep renewing peace in your journey ahead.