MMkM

So sorry about this. Your stepfather had no right to blame you. Many of us have had to detach and go no contact so that we have a peaceful life. You did all you could helping your mother.

Do not feel guilty that you did not want to witness someone with a drinking problem.

You have a precious baby now that needs you, please find comfort in that.

wellnowwhat

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry there are so many people on this thread that have also shared this type of loss.

Please cherish that little baby.

Thinking of you all.

ACOAHappyNow

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that it wasn't your fault at all and that it's complete abuse for someone to try to blame this on you. You did what you had to do, in order to survive yourself.

(((HUGS)))

Willybluedog

Sorry for your loss,

Your stepfather is being an *******, probably because he feels guilty for not beng there when she did it.

You did absolutely nothing wrong, please take care of yourself, and say goodbye to your mom on your own terms, do not let your stepfather and brother drag you down.

Lindsey0606

Hi Melissa...your story reads exactly like mine. (I love your name by the way, the name of my new baby girl). My mother committed suicide 3 years ago by a self inflicted gunshot wound. I can only hope that she didn't feel much pain. She was a very severe non-functioning alcoholic for nearly 40 years..prior to my birth...it perplexes me how she had such a strong constitution. She too exhibited trauma from a rape and other sexual abuse. She was 60 when she took her life. I had ceased communication for a year prior. I had/have ptsd following news of her death. The way I feel now to the way I felt a couple years ago has changed quite a bit. As time goes by I feel less involved emotionally and I can see things with greater rationality. Even though I loved my mother and I miss her..there is relief..relief that she doesn't have to live another day in pain..sleep another night in terror...and for me I feel relief and peace. In a way, maybe she decided to let go of life to give me that peace. I have since married and had a child..I cannot imagine doing these things with her in my life...it is true. I don't blame myself anymore..she started dying a long time ago.

reverse

So sorry for your loss Melissa.
I just wanted to add one thing to consider. If your stepfather had never said blaming words about you in regards to this incident, do u think u would feel guilty or responsible? Her broken-heart stemmed from her actions. The tumultuous relationship w/ you was a result of her actions; not yours. That's terrible to even think you had something to do with her drinking/death or anything. You were not the cause of her misery. If it were me in ur situation, for my well being...I'd keep my space from my step-father for as long as I need and as long as he is choosing to use me as a scapegoat vs. see that she had a problem and needed serious help. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I imagine you are a great mother to your baby and are doing everything u can for your family. You are not responsible for your mom....please know that. She was responsible for her. To take the blame would be to sabotage yourself and participate in the dysfunction. Perhaps your step father should seriously consider the ways in which he possibly contributed to her passing. I'm sure he had a greater influence than you ever did...but again that's not the point...that is a sick way of thinking. Hang in there and again I'm so sorry for your loss. Just keep thinking of your beautiful baby girl and the wonderful mother you will be to her. Honestly, if you were as responsible for her actions as he'd like to think...suicide would have been the last avenue you would have chosen for your mother b/c you truly loved her. If it were all up to you...you would have made her stop drinking. Saying you made her die is ludicrous. My family tried pulling that on me before and I finally realized I didn't have to take it. Then some of them eventually realized I wasn't the one responsible....it was her.

It's easy to find someone else to blame; it's not always easy to face the truth and/or look at one's self. Take care and Blessings to u.

Kialua

We had a suicide in the family last year during the holidays, it was very hard. But we do get on with life. I am surprised how some in the family have gotten on. One said, "Life is for the living". I think of that often. I hope time is helping soften the blow.

Bless you.

seek

I agree you can still talk to her. I talk to everyone when I am taking a shower or a bath, but you can do it anywhere, anytime. You can also write a letter if you want. I also sometimes light a candle and put a picture of the person in front of me and have a little chat with them . . . I believe I am really communicating and if nothing else, I get what I need to say off my mind.

Blessings and support to you.

ttbp

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

Hopeworks

So sorry for your loss...

Life is a series of choices for each of us and sadly your mother did not make the right ones when those opportunities were there for her to help herself get better and change her life.

Even our creator does not force change upon us and gives us free will ... and you allowed her that same dignity to live as she chose to live. Even if you had taken a cage and locked her in it and forced her to abstain from alcohol she still would not have been free ... living but still imprisoned.

She was the only one who held the key to her freedom and she chose not to even try the lock... so very, very sad.

My father commited suicide the slow way... poisoning himself to death with huge amounts of his homemade moonshine all alone until he was found dead of alcohol poisoning. His deterioration into severe depression, isolation and eventual physical decline was heartbreaking as he also refused help or recovery. He threatened violence and suicide constantly to anyone who would listen to his rants but drank himself to death instead.

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this sad time.

bluebelle

My prayers are with you. I am sure that there is a lot for you to work through. There is no way that you are at fault for this. This was your mother's choice. I can't imagine the pain that goes along with this. My mom has attempted suicide a couple of times, and I remember the terror when waiting to see if they could revive her. Your mom was in a lot of pain, and there was nothing you could do to fix her. I would suggest counseling for yourself to help you through the process. It sounds like your immediate family is going to handle this in a unhealthy, dramatic way. Good for you for staying out of the drama. It sounds like you have your own beautiful family with your husband and baby. You can build your own life the way that you want to lead it. That's the great thing about free will. Take care.

NeverQuit

You have my deepest sympathy and prayers. You have made brave and good choices in your life and you need keep moving forward. Do not worry about what may or may not have been said when your Mom called your brother. That changes nothing for you and your child. Stay focused on that growing child and be well and loving.

Phmdyw

Thank you for sharing that with us. The first things that come to mind is that we really are not responsible for other people. God decides who will be awakened and when and how. It is not up to us. One thing we can't give other people is Willingness. I knew a man a few years ago who was head over heels for me, would have done anything for me, but he wouldn't go to 12-step fellowship...he lost me over it. Willingness can only come from the person themselves. You have no reason to feel guilty - and your mom is definitely in a better place. I truly believe we see people on the other side, and she is in the big AA meeting in the Sky, waiting for everyone else in light and joy. God used her as a channel to put you here, what a gift. God Bless You and your little girl.

soundboy1

My heart goes out to you Melissa. I experienced the same thing this week. I am a guy but the situation is similar. I am an only child but i have 3 stepsiblings who were abandoned by their first mother. My mother was also abused physically and sexually until her father died when she was 11. I was raised in a loving and supportive household. My mother repressed all of her problems until she was about 39. Before that she suffered from severe depression that only my father could help with and he could not always do that. Through therapy she rediscovered her trauma. Around this time my dad left and her mother died. She never recovered.
She drank heavily and was on xanax and triavil for years. Many trials through the years. She remarried in 03 and he was a complete enabler. He did attempt to get her clean many times and was sober himself. However he took her doctor shopping and paid for all of her booze and brought it to her. So I am not happy with him but at the same time realize he was a victim as well.
All my life my mother wants a daughter in law and grand children. I met my wife in 01. the first time they met she asked her when we would have children just in case. At this time alcohol wasnt a full time habit. So we get married. My mother does about all she can to ruin the wedding. Ruins the bridal shower and gets carried out wasted. wears white to the wedding and looks like shes attending a funeral in all the pictures. We don't speak much for the next year or so. When we do get back together she looks terrible. Pale,bloated chain smoking and drunk. constantly drinking vodka at all times she is awake. also taking 4mgs of xanax and triavil. We make a go of having a relationship but she constantly cancels plans and ruins events.
My dad dies in 2010. 2 weeks later my cousin her niece hangs herself. That same day I found out my wife was pregnant. Talk about emotional whirlwind. I also lose another cousin and 2 uncles that summer. Then my mother in law gets diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma. Dies 3 days before my lovely daughter is born :day1... My mother sobers up!! does the right thing for about 6 months. then she changes doctors and is prescribed oxy,xanax and triavil. All hell breaks loose. During Hurricane Irene she demands I bring my family to her cabin in Windham NY. This town practically washed away. We attempt to maintain contact. I invite her to her granddaughter's christening and she accepts. She asks to sit in a booth in the front. She had a seat at the head of the table but she is mad that nobody sits in her private booth besides her husband and stepkids. She leaves in the middle without saying goodbye to old friends she hadn't seen in 20 years. I get livid.
Every conversation after this is a screaming match or hangup. January 15 she eats many pills and is found facedown in her puke. I go to the hospital and she resumes our previous argument. She is mad I did not bring the baby for Christmas. The only reason i didn't is because she made plans with me that she cancelled and did not call me. She calls me 2 weeks later somewhat calm and claims the od was antibiotics. You don't give anti narcotic medication for antibiotic reactions. so we fight again. She says "you think you were sad when your dad died wait until you see what I have planned for you" At this point my wife and therapist and aunt suggest i cut off communications for my health and my families. Monday morning I get the call that she had eaten all of her pills and died in her chair.

From above:
I had tried to get her to see a therapist through the years, but it didnt work.
Regardless of it all I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt, because I hant spoken to her. I know my reasons were valid, its just the thought that i now can NEVER talk to her again that is killing me.
If someone has any insight at all, please help me. My heart is broken.


this describes my feelings perfectly. Why did I not call her? I knew she was suffering from a mental illness. All I had to do was call. I will never forgive myself no matter how many support groups and therapists tell me I should. My instincts tell me I did the wrong thing. I am seeing a grief counselor on Monday but I don't know how it will help.Unless you've experienced these things on the level of many in this thread it's impossible to understand the range of emotions that flood you. Anger,Hatred,Revenge, Love,Understanding,sadness,happiness,nostalgia and despair all are in your mind at once. I am devastated.

soundboy1

This is from another forum...


I have never told my addiction story before so I may as well. I have always messed with opiates since high school. My grandmother died and there were dilaudid all over the place and I sold and snorted them. I dabbled with opiates the rest of my life. Messed with heroin in 97 and got slightly addicted. Got clean without any real trouble by locking myself into my room and smoking weed.
So fast forward to:
May 22,2010 My father who was my best friend died after a long illness. In his stuff I found 4-500 hydros and a 300 xanax. I start taking them and drinking them but I kept my ???? together.
June 2nd 2010 I get woken up to a positive pregnancy test stick in my face . Then 15 minutes later I get a phone call that my cousin had hung herself in her barn. I start drinking and popping pills like candy...
June,17 2010 My mother in law is diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma. This does not help my self control.
June 21,2010 My Uncle dies of Alzheimers at 87. This funeral feels like a family reunion and a blessing....
July 7th 2010 my cousin's husband dies. I had no idea he was ill. At this point it didn't matter who was dying I was taking pills and drinking all the time. Not every night though because I had a pregnant wife. But I would take trips to clean my dads house and get ruined.
August 29th 2010 My Uncle dies suddenly with out warning. He is my 2nd closest male relative. His son is like my older brother. I am involved with an event that can't happen without me so I miss most of the funeral. I made it to the night wake but missed the funeral and feel like ????. So I get totally messed up for weeks.
All this time my mother in law is dying more and more while my wife is getting more and more pregnant. It's sad because I saw the cancer killing her but how do you tell your wife? The few times I tried she dismisses me angrily. I can't blame her a bit. At this point I am out of hydros but I find oxys and percs all over the place. Cheap too.
February 16th 2010 They pull the plug on my mother in law. So sad because she was a great person. not getting as messed up because
February 19th 2010 Birth of my daughter Victoria!!!! Bittersweet to say the least. My wife is of course happy and could not have asked for better medicine for her pain. It helped me too but addiction had sunk in.
March 2nd 2011 my 2nd closest female cousin dies at 44 from years of abuse. Her kidneys get shot. I go to the funeral and wake totally wasted on hydros,xanax,coke,adderall,beer and whiskey.
March to August 2011. Lots of drinking and partying. I score lots of oxys and get introduced to subs as a party drug.
August 2011 I decide to get subs so I can be high and not pay that much through insurance. Plan works!
October 2011 I see how evil subs and benzos are and immediately start my taper. I am at .2 mgs right now. When my mom died I had jumped the day before. I am going to stay at .2 for awhile because I dont need w/d's right now...
And that's the story

tromboneliness

This is hard, and I don't have any advice that will help much.

The idea that you could have prevented your mom's suicide is just an illusion. You did all the "right" things, in terms of trying to persuade her to get healthy -- and, as is normally the case, none of them worked. If you had done one more "right" thing the day before she died, she'd still have died. By the same token, if she had decided to get healthy and stay healthy, it would have been her doing -- not someone else's.

I had a lot of the same experiences -- although most of them weren't as dramatic -- with my parents and spouse. When I started going to Al-Anon and learning how to let go, I wasn't letting go of my control -- I was just letting go of the illusion of control.

The way I like to look at it is to turn it around and think, "How many people are there that control me? When I'm doing something stupid and they know a better way and try to point out the error of my ways, how responsive am I to their nagging?"

The answer is usually, "Not very."

So who am I to think I have this incredible power to control other people's behavior, show them the right thing to do based on my superior wisdom, and otherwise fix the world?

This is undoubtedly not helping much, because -- like the other things that are wrong -- it can't be fixed by someone else's supposed wisdom! If it helps any, though, most of us have had some of the same experiences you describe -- I certainly have had some of them!

T

Kialua

To think that one phone call would have changed everything is childish thinking. Even if you would have called she surely would have done the same thing. Sorry for your loss but it was waaaayy beyond your control and you know it. It's really kind of arrogant to think that your one phone call could have changed anything.

You have a child to think about now. She doesn't deserve a life of addiction and your self-serving guilt to fuel the addiction. Glad you are starting to take control. Sorry if this sounds harsh. Time to think of her now. Get/stay clean and take care of business. She is counting on you now. Be the parent you didn't have.

As far as your Mother's addiction goes:
You certainly didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.
None of us can and to think otherwise is absurd.

Good luck.

keltie

(((Melissa)))

I am so sorry for your pain. I am outraged that your stepfather would blame you. I pray you know that it's NOT your fault. Sounds like your poor mom was "gone" long ago...and it was not from a broken heart over you. It was because she had a terrible disease that would stop at nothing, not even losing her daughter, her health, and sadly, her life. It is not your fault, honey.

You're a new mother, and i am so sorry you are dealing with this. Have you tried al-anon? I think you would be so comforted by people who have been through what you have and are going through now. Nothing compares to a peer. Take care of yourself and your beautiful new baby and remember, we are here for you.

soundboy1

Kia my guilt comes from the fact that I didnt go see her one last time. She was brain damaged. She used to be a great mother. I was just reading letters from her from my senior year and she could not have been more supportive. She worked really hard at alienating me. I am going to counseling starting monday. I just think this is something I am going to need to work out for myself. Unless you have been in my situation don't attempt to understand it.

Trombone thank you for the kind words. I know so many people have worse stuff that happens to them. It's just a lot to digest you know. I am not really doing too well with it either...

Kialua

There is no way you would have ever known the right time to make it the "one last time". That is totally out of your control. You did see her one last time: the last time you saw her. Please don't think that seeing her another time would have eased your guilt. Your guilt is not realistic so it doesn't respond logistically to what you did or didn't do. Specifically, if she was brain damaged she wouldn't have known when you came or didn't anyway.

My mother died on Christmas night and I waited one more day to see her the next day because I had seen her the day before. I too felt guilty until I realized I did the best I could and it was out of my hands. My father died without me seeing him close to his death either. I was there weeks before he died. He had Alzheimer and didn't know me anymore. So you see I don't need to be in your exact situation to attempt to understand it. I do understand it. This guilt and torment you have is a trait all adult children of alcoholics have or had. Thinking that we should have tried harder, done more, been there. The list is endless.

I'm so glad you are getting counseling soon, this is a great step to finding relief. You have a new life to take care of and love. Be the parent you never had.

My prayers go out to you as you work on this demon from your past.