Finding the balance in parenting our own children
 

I am struggling with wondering if I've gone too far in the opposite direction of my parents. For instance, they did a lot of yelling, swearing, quick on the trigger. I have worked hard at teaching my children with love, telling them what they need to know instead of shouting, saying excuse me instead of barking OUT THE WAY and shoving them on the forehead when I'm trying to get by.

I try hard to listen to my children and talk with them. I don't really have strong memories or any sense that my parents ever just listened to me or talked to me. Even as an adult, my mother does all the talking.

But here's where I wonder if I went too far. My kids do and say things I wouldn't dare have done or said to my parents. (To try to keep a balanced picture here, most people think my kids are very well-behaved and any 'problems' we have are typical of kids still growing up.) I get frustrated that my kids just sit down and start talking to me any time at all, including when I am clearly in the middle of a big project.

I'm frustrated today because I'm on a tight schedule with something that needs many hours and lots of concentration, and they're telling me things like--the full nitty gritty details of what happened on a tv episode.

I keep telling myself I am the adult, I have work to do, work that helps pay for their home and clothes, there's nothing wrong with them learning that sometimes they have to respect other people's time and needs, too. But I so very much resent and hate my parents' attitude that I wasn't worth listening to, that they fed and clothed me and that was enough. I literally cannot remember a SINGLE time that my parents listened to me, listened to how I felt, took an interest in what interested me. I remember sitting in the car either silently or listening to my mother talk at me.

My kids are big talkers. I struggle with how to teach them to include other people in the conversation without them feeling criticized as I always felt criticized.

I don't want to leave my own kids feeling I was too deep in my work to listen to them. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I was as much a workaholic, tuning out my kids because of work the same way I was tuned out because of alcoholic family dynamics and parents wrapped up in their own worlds.

Those are the details of the question, but really the big picture question is: how do we find the balance we didn't grow up with? How do we learn what's right and wrong as parents when we had no example?

We learn boundaries. Your kids talk to you (a LOT, it sounds like). Well, give yourself a huge pat on the back for that! You did good!

Now you need to find ways to get them to understand that, while you love them and you want to talk to them, it's not always socially acceptable to interrupt people while they're working. This is a life skill they will need to learn anyway - it's not like their teachers or future bosses are going to want to be interrupted with every little thing that flits through their minds.

Set boundaries with your kids - kind, gentle ones of course. Tell them "I'm very sorry honey, I'm right in the middle of something and am not able to give you my full attention. As soon as I finish this, I will come find you and we can talk all you want, but for now, could you please give me a little quiet time so I can wrap this up?"

I've found with my teen that it works very very well. As long as I say it with respect and as a request (or even a "could you do me a favor" type statement), he feels included, not rejected - like he's helping me get my work done. Your mileage may vary - but you'd also be teaching them a different skill: how to gracefully tell someone "go away kid, ya bother me." That skill is one an awful lot of adults could stand a lesson or two in!

Yes, I agree, bounderies are so very important and the ability to actually talk to a child on a one to one basis. Children want direction, they thrive on it.

Sit back think about what you can do to assure that your children don't over react in either direction, yours or your parents.

I respect you, you are reaching out and that is half the battle.

Thank you, both. I think I'm really struggling with not wanting to appear critical of my kids, as my parents seemed (still seem) so critical of me.

I try to treat my teen as though he were already an adult (note: not that he IS one, just that I try to treat him like one when it comes to how I interact with him).

If, say, I was standing there interrupting you, how would you react? Would you snarl at me, or would you say "I'm right in the middle of this, please give me a few minutes to wrap it up"?

At least if I'm using the same words as I would towards an adult, I can be fairly certain that I'm not going to be critical. Just yesterday, I had to ask him to stop following me around like a lost puppy. Of course I didn't word it that way, I said "If you don't mind, I'd like a couple of minutes to be alone with my thoughts." He let me have a couple of minutes, so far as I know he didn't feel criticized, and he learned a useful phrase (actually he's heard that phrase from me enough that I've seen him use it with others).

Preparing your kids for how to set their own boundaries? Priceless. Getting your own needs met in the process? Heaven!

Thank you, Ginger. Beautifully said. When I do tell them, it's in pretty much those same words, and I suspect if I were more willing to set those boundaries, those words would soon have less of an irritable edge to them. Maybe all I really needed was to know that it's okay. I'm glad that my kids WANT to talk to me. I really can't recall talking to my parents, wanting to, or feeling that they were interested in anything I had to say, anyway.

Thank you for this thread, EveningRose. I struggle with this too. I appreciate hearing everyone's wisdom!